is it fair that full time mums do all the nightshifts with baby so working hubby can sleep?

[agnes2404]

My DD is 14 months old and has decided she wants to cuddle me all night. Ahhhh. Argh! She is having ALL her teeth come at once and I think night time separation anxiety might have set in too - this not-sleeping coincided with her starting to walk. Anyhoo.... She's up at least 2x every night, and has taken to staying up for up to two hours a time.

I strongly believe if we give her lots of love and reassurance when she needs it, she will become confident and secure and more able to put herself to sleep again. This worked beautifully for her previously - after 7 months she slept 10 hours through every night, what a joy!

But no more! I am KNACKERED. Hubby helps at weekends, and my parents have her 1 night a week, so don't feel too sorry for me :)

I also have a 4yr DSD who is with us half of the time - on these nights DD is in our room with us so I lie listening to every grunt and snuffle.

You see, I recently recovered from chronic fatigue syndrome, so maybe I get a bit uptight about sleep.

So I'm wondering, how do you arrange things in your family? Do mums do the nightshift? Do you alternate nights?

Hope this makes sense, DD is skwarking at me as I type and bringing me gifts (shoes, paper...) gorgeous little duckling.

xx

I have a 3mo who is breast fed so I get up for her a couple of times in the night and dh gets up if ds wakes up. He's two and probably only wakes one night in 3 and then just because his duvet has fallen on the floor or something so easy to settle. I'm lucky in that dd is a fast feeder and just goes straight back to sleep after without needing to be settled.

I think it is fair, except for weekends. While i was on mat leave i always did the night shifts, but at weekends DH gave me a lie in and helped at night. DS is now almost 2 though and it is usually me who gets up if he's ill in the night - usually because DH is blessed with selective hearing and stays sound asleep

My DD is 7 months and has never slept longer than 3 hours - and that's only happened a few times! Often she has hourly wakings through the night. She can usually be settled with a quick cuddle or pat, but if I was doing the entire night I would not get to sleep for more than 30-45 minutes at a time - plus doing 2-3 night feeds as I'm breast feeding. So DH is very hands on during the night. He looks after DD between her night feeds (usually from 12am-3am) and then her and I co-sleep from about 3am onwards. We have a single bed in our spare room where we can both retreat to to get a few uninterrupted hours.

DH works hard with an hours commute each way. Never once has he complained, or suggested that the nights should be my sole responsibility. In fact, he is pretty appalled at the notion that most men use work as an excuse for leaving their partners to it at night and offering little or no support. He actually thinks I have the harder job in fact. DD is quite high need and pretty unputdownable - she will nap ok in a sling or push chair - but I don't usually get a chance to sleep during the day. Maybe for 15 minutes. Naps are short anyway - 30 minutes or so.

I suppose it would be different if we had the kind of baby who slept most of the night, napped well in cot during the day, would be happy to be put down for more than 10 minutes, or would lie contentedly on a playmat while I watched telly (do such babies actually exist?). But DD is hard, hard work and demands a lot both night and day. We are opposed to letting our baby scream hysterically all night long sleep training so just trying to be patient and take it day by day. But I couldn't do it without DH. I'm on my own all day with no family support and would totally have lost it from the exhaustion of long term sleep deprivation if not for him. Between his help and co-sleeping I can manage about 4-6 (broken) hours a night. Not great, but enough to function and ensure DD is in good hands and that I'm fit to care for her.

I knew he was a good one before we married but the way he has stepped up to night time parenting since DD was born has really made me realise how fortunate I am as most women don't seem to have this kind of support, and most men aren't willing to give it.

Dd and I slept in a separate bedroom from dp until dd went into her own room at 7 months. I then still did all of the night time get ups as I, 9 times out of 10, bf her back to sleep.
This worked well for us as dp has a v stressful job an hours commute away down the motorway and I survive quite well on limited sleep.
I do think a full time mum should do the get ups unless she is cripplingly tired due to frequent wakings for example.

We did shifts! I would do until 5 am, and he would take over from 5 to 7 so I slept solid for those two hours. We both went to bed at around 10 pm, and for the early months I had a single bed in DS' bedroom. We managed OK.

Er, yes.

DD only started sleeping all night about a month ago - she's 3.5 years. In that time I think DH has had a disturbed night about 5 times.

DH has to go to work and function every day so I felt it wasn't fair to expect him to be up all night as well - as it is he works 12-16 hour days. I was a SAHM and now run my own business so my hours and what I had/have to do every day was far more flexible. I also breastfed exclusively for 6 months and until she was 2, breastmilk was the major part of her diet. She still feeds a bit now.

It was very tough for a long time - we have no family nearby and so I never got a break. DD had terrible separation anxiety from about 10 months, so even though DH would give me a lie-in at weekends it rarely happened.

For us, the best thing we did was to decide to co-sleep - it meant I got as much sleep as I could and that there was never a screaming baby waking everyone up.

I have bipolar disorder, so my perinatal psych team were very worried about my getting enough sleep as it's a big trigger for me. They came every week for the first year to keep an eye on me - and stepped in when things were going downhill 7 months PP. DH was always prepared to step in if he had to.

Pyrrah, lack of sleep is a trigger for your medical condition and yet your dh has only taken over nights 5 times in 3 years? That doesn't sound fair (or wise) to me.
Working aside, men have holidays that could be used to look after their children.

Pyrrah, lack of sleep is a trigger for your medical condition and yet your dh has only taken over nights 5 times in 3 years? That doesn't sound fair (or wise) to me.
Working aside, men have holidays that could be used to look after their children.

I will try and do all the night stuff in the week, but I know if I'm really at the end of my tether I can wake dh and he will help. I do try to do it though as I feel it's part of my job iyswim and I can use cbeebies to grab a few minutes sit down in the day to recover

If there are medical issues that are affected by sleep that's a different situation though.