is it fair that full time mums do all the nightshifts with baby so working hubby can sleep?

[agnes2404]

My DD is 14 months old and has decided she wants to cuddle me all night. Ahhhh. Argh! She is having ALL her teeth come at once and I think night time separation anxiety might have set in too - this not-sleeping coincided with her starting to walk. Anyhoo.... She's up at least 2x every night, and has taken to staying up for up to two hours a time.

I strongly believe if we give her lots of love and reassurance when she needs it, she will become confident and secure and more able to put herself to sleep again. This worked beautifully for her previously - after 7 months she slept 10 hours through every night, what a joy!

But no more! I am KNACKERED. Hubby helps at weekends, and my parents have her 1 night a week, so don't feel too sorry for me :)

I also have a 4yr DSD who is with us half of the time - on these nights DD is in our room with us so I lie listening to every grunt and snuffle.

You see, I recently recovered from chronic fatigue syndrome, so maybe I get a bit uptight about sleep.

So I'm wondering, how do you arrange things in your family? Do mums do the nightshift? Do you alternate nights?

Hope this makes sense, DD is skwarking at me as I type and bringing me gifts (shoes, paper...) gorgeous little duckling.

xx

from staying on the sofa all morning/day,in your pjs if necessary,tv on,letting the dcs play
lol none of my dcs would have ever let me do that! Both needed to be out and about, running around at the park, toddler groups or whatever. This both mornings and afernoons.
And at 14 months old, none would have settled for TV either. At 3yo probably yes for about 1/2 hour at most.

it's only now that they are much older (8&10yo) that we can imagine staying at home for the day (and then they still go out but on their own)

Nothing wrong with Lego on the rug if you're desperate for sleep. You're in charge not them! (Disclaimer, this works for me because mine naps- trying to nap when he doesn't want me to is impossible)

Lady- that sounds like a stealth boast about how much your kids eschew television for more worthy activity!

God, after I had DS2 I had a newborn and a two year old, neither of whom napped in the day. I was then also woken every hour all through the night. If DH hadn't helped I'd have offed myself.

lol, no I would have loved them to watch TV. I have had ME too so I have a pretty good idea how you can feel when you have 2 very active boys and you would like them to sit down and 'play with lego' and they just don't want to.

But I don't think I am the only one who has had dcs who are active and not interested in TV at that age? or dcs who can't stay in the house all day?
I seem to remember a MN advice about young dcs 'They are just like dogs, you need to take them out at least twice a day'. That was my dcs.

Lady- I'm really sorry you had ME. Must have been very tough.

It might even have been me who said that about the dogs, or at least it's something I've said myself in RL. I have two boys and you have to take them out once a day and "throw a stick" for them or they climb the walls.

Active dcs can paly on their own,toys,playdoh whatever.I always took mine to playgroups as they enjoyed it,but it was usually my choice.they can bve active without u running after them constantly

I almost wrote this exact same post today! I'm not ill though i have to say, but my 15 month old has all her back teeth top and bottom coming through, and she is waking at say 3 (last night) and not going back down til 5.45, when DP gets up, and DS1 gets up, so there goes going back to bed. I get onwith it, but today, I am sooooo emotional, I could just sit and cry. I told DP this morning I can't take much more of this but he just humphed and buggered off to work! (he's not normally a prick!?)
BUT I don't think you can do it love, you will get ill again, then you will all be in the shit, as loads have said. Good luck, I so sympathise!!xx

OP, you have my sympathy, totally. I have a horror teething 14mo as well. He screamed the house down last night and woke up my 4yo. Luckily my DH looked after her, but claims not to have heard the 14mo!

I also have other health problems going on. But DH's income is incredibly important to us, and so we "soldier on". Wish I could have had a PJ day today but the 4yo still has to go to school and we had various things going on.

FWIW, what got me through last night and today was seeing on a Facebook friend's status (a friend from another country) that she had been to the funeral of a 14mo yesterday. I have been cuddling my shrieking, PITA 14mo extra-tight ever since reading that .

My DH didn't really do much at night until DS gave up bf at 16mo. It wasn't his choice - DS would only settle when breastfeeding. He would vomit with anger and distress if DH tried to settle him.

Oh, wait, that's not entirely true - he often slept on DH's bare chest at night as a newborn (mine was too exciting). But mainly it was always me after that.

I went back to work full time when DS was nine months and continued bf up to eight times a night until DS gave up at 16mo. That was the worst bit. I felt very ill all the time.

Since DS gave up, DH has taken on the majority of night wakings. He doesn't really complain at all. After so long being sleep deprived, it's been amazing for me and now I am throwing it all away by having DS2 early next year.....

I do all nights AND work out of the home. Sigh.

Oh my God ruby- you worked full time AND got up 8 times in the night? you must have been a husk of a woman. You poor thing. I don't know how you did it.

"they can bve active without u running after them constantly"

Hahaha I wish!! I'd love to be able to put my feet up and let them 'play with lego' whilst I have a kip. It would never happen. They fight with each other (5yo and 2yo) and if they're not closely supervised all sorts of stuff can happen between them. I don't get a rest at weekends, although it's not so bad weekdays as DS1 is in school now.

My day at work is much easier to get through when tired than at home. I can wee have lunch and even get a legal break as for driving I have never heard anyone express concern about a tired parent driving to the drs or school run.
One of the things that had cemented dh and I together whilst going through a difficult year and a half (cleft palate and reflux so bad sleeper) is both being able to appreciate how it feels to be up at night.

I think it's probably reasonable for the SAH parent to do lion's share of night-time duties. But I do think it should still be a share.

IME if you are up multiple times during the night, 45 minutes resting on sofa while your child watches telly is a piss poor substiitute for an unbroken's night sleep. Having to make do with this every single day until the child starts sleeping through is utterly relentless.

You don't magically stop needing sleep just because you don't work out of the home do you?

no chips, you don't. we all need our sleep, I agree with you there....I was a nervous wreck when DS2 took 17 mths to sleep through the night. I was close to breaking point. All came down to lack of sleep. It's torture for anyone. Spending 45 mins on a sofa mid morning with your DC just doesn't cut it for a recuperation period. That's nothing! I had a relative come over and take over it all whilst I went up to bed once or twice each week. That's the only way round it, I think. Until they start sleeping through reliably.

as for driving I have never heard anyone express concern about a tired parent driving to the drs or school run.

I don't drive, but my DH has to do motorway commutes and I'd rather he was alert and awake, whilst doing that than me, at home, not driving.

I'm not sure of your point though. If you are too tired to drive then that's it regardless and I have a long motorway drive very often to take ds to Bristol for treatment nobody ever worries if I was up with the baby. My dh drives a couple if miles to do an in situ job so he can absolutely manage it after a few disturbances with his baby

ledkr- our circumstances are obviously different. if I had to do a lot of motorway driving, and DH didn't drive, then we would be doing things differently re: the nightshifts.

My point is that DH can't go to sleep at work or in the office, but I AM able to sleep in the day if need be, therefore I do all the nightshifts in the week.

Our system would not work for everyone as everyone's set up is different.

sorry, meant to say DH can't sleep on the motorway or during meetings/work.

I've just been thinking back to being a student, when around exam time or essay writing time you would have some very late nights/early starts and have very little sleep. Then you'd sleep for a week afterwards.
Ds2 is 5 months old and that is 5 months (153 days) of not having any more than four hours sleep in a row. It's amazing we survive at all. (Off to read sleep section for advice).

I do all the nights as I am breastfeeding and its just a case of feed and back in the cot. When we hit teething etc we will re assess but usually I think parent at home does nights.

When I was on maternity leave I did all get ups after midnight so that dh could get a solid block of sleep. When I was back at work dh did most of it as I had a horrendous commute and it's pretty important that I'm awake and alert at work.

Saying that, OP I think you're set up sounds reasonable. If I read it correctly you have the weekends off and a day during the week. So you get three nights where you can have a proper sleep. Does dc sleep at all during the day? Can you grab some more sleep then?

If both of us are knackered the ideal time to get sleep is by getting an early night. Kids got to bed at 7.30, we can go to bed at 9pm. You have to use the hours when the kids don't need you (or until they wake up with toothache)

Agree with you youoldslag. If you both get to bed as soon as you've settled your DC at night (7 or 8pm, or whatever evening time they usually go down at) then you'll be making sure you get a decent amount of sleep in, both of you.

It is rubbish when you'd rather be reading a book, or watching TV but these things can take a back seat until you get through the worst of it.