is it fair that full time mums do all the nightshifts with baby so working hubby can sleep?

[agnes2404]

My DD is 14 months old and has decided she wants to cuddle me all night. Ahhhh. Argh! She is having ALL her teeth come at once and I think night time separation anxiety might have set in too - this not-sleeping coincided with her starting to walk. Anyhoo.... She's up at least 2x every night, and has taken to staying up for up to two hours a time.

I strongly believe if we give her lots of love and reassurance when she needs it, she will become confident and secure and more able to put herself to sleep again. This worked beautifully for her previously - after 7 months she slept 10 hours through every night, what a joy!

But no more! I am KNACKERED. Hubby helps at weekends, and my parents have her 1 night a week, so don't feel too sorry for me :)

I also have a 4yr DSD who is with us half of the time - on these nights DD is in our room with us so I lie listening to every grunt and snuffle.

You see, I recently recovered from chronic fatigue syndrome, so maybe I get a bit uptight about sleep.

So I'm wondering, how do you arrange things in your family? Do mums do the nightshift? Do you alternate nights?

Hope this makes sense, DD is skwarking at me as I type and bringing me gifts (shoes, paper...) gorgeous little duckling.

xx

Exactly, IrnBru, it's not forever.

Yes early nights. I go to bed as soon as DS goes to sleep - usually 7.30.

9pm is a late night.

I have done all nights since birth as it was just me. When you have no choice I think you get less upset about it (although it's bloody hard sometimes).

I nearly lost my sanity from the sleep deprivation so I had to take drastic action and just avoid watching TV each evening and just get my head down to sleep as soon as DS was asleep. It's the only way. You feel like you're just existing at that stage, but it does get easier as they get older (old mantra!).

I do think its fair generally, as long as DH does his bit when not working the next day and in certain circumstances, pregnancy, you being sick etc.

I agree you can adopt the children's bedtime. I do that from time to time now when I am totally knackered.

But when both mine were babies they didn't have a bedtime. They were cluster feeding like dervishes for most of the evening, (or should I say from teatime onwards). If you could get them settled between 10 and midnight the night was a good 'un. But zero chance to catch up on sleep.

Well DH basically gave himself a six month break from work. Yes, he went in but he was very much working at half speed...because we shared night wakings 50/50...but we did have twins.

I think it's fair yes, a full time mum can have a nap during the day or if it's been a bad night then stay in and have a lazy day at home.

My baby naps for 30 mins every morning - not much use for a nap for me - and then longer (an hour and a halfish) in the afternoon. Oh, but that's when my 5 year old is home from school, and strangely he expects mummy to be awake.
There is no one-size-fits-all approach to this. Some jobs are, quite frankly, full of opportunities for a wee skive - some aren't. Some SAHPs can have a rest-day - some can't.

I'm amazed at all the napping during the day I've had 5 and just cannot think of a time I'd be napping and not catching up with vital stuff or getting others to clubs school etc.
since I returned to work I have had many bad nights and managed to function the next day, grumpy with a headache but not the end of the world so a man is capable of that too. Sure if you are Sah parent do the majority of it but the other parent should still do something.

I do all the night wakings but then DH gets up with the children in the morning and gives me another hour or two. We get one lie in each at the weekend.

That said, our littlest is still very little and sleeps very well touch wood so I haven't had it too bad this time!!!

Napping during the day!!!!???!!!!

I always assumed mine had a pact to sleep and cry in turn (one on, one off) so that there was never knowlingly any peace in Casa Wordfactory.

But mistress surely you can relax at home with your baby if its been a bad day? Let them sit in a baby bouncer while you lie on the couch and read to them?

I've been a sahm to DS for a while before going back to Uni. And found it really easy, plenty of opportunity to relax if he had a bad night. I'm pregnant with #2 now though and DS is 5, looks like I'm in for a shock!

That's not what I need though PP, I need sleep, actual sleep, I was not designed to function on 3 hour bursts with 40 mins of baby holding in between each and every night.
I daren't risk lying on the sofa during the day tbh as I could easily drop off.

(Ie drop off to sleep, not off the sofa it's not that narrow).
Thing is, it's not just when the baby has a bad night that you are woken up, it's every single night - unless you get one of these sleeping-through-from-6-weeks ones which you probably will but oh no not me

Thank you so much - I was nervous posting this because I felt pathetic, given that I do have the support of DH and parents. I was thinking maybe I need to toughen up and get on with it. I do a bit!

I posted today (for the first time) because I spent the entire morning snapping at a very demanding DD, feeling like shaking her, then crying uncontrollably, sickened with guilt. At one point she bit me so hard (I'm her favourite teething toy) I shouted at her and roughly plonked her down and stepped away. I wanted to lash out. I stood glaring down at her. She was scared, inconsolable in seconds, sobbing her little heart out. I scooped her up and we bawled together.

Most of the time I'm a happy, fun mum. I keep our home really lovely and I try to be the best stepmum I can too.

Reading your thoughtful responses I can see that yes, I am doing what most SAHMs do in covering the nights to make sure DH can function at work. But it was also very reassuring to see that lots of parents share the night times.

I've decided to ask DH to do 1 week night at the end of the week while DD is so restless in the night. Then on the weekends we don't have DSD he could maybe do another night. And then I'll get up and watch the kids while he has a morning nap. Working together makes me feel like a worthy person again. Today I've been a mess!

DD calmed down and played happily before bed, she melts me and I know I wouldn't change anything. I think it's important to struggle sometimes. And it's important to listen to wise helpers too. THANK YOU!!!

My son did sleep all night from about 6 weeks old, and had a huge nap during the day too, dp's daughter was the exact same (both are on the spectrum so maybe that's something to do with it) so I've not had much experience with a baby who won't sleep.

Who really gets to nap in the day though? Perhaps if you have just one baby. But often the mother is picking up other kids etc. And all this sleep when the baby sleeps. If you did that, the house would be a dungheap and nobody would have clean clothes. With my ex, I did all the nights and pretty much all the days. And, in the end, I hated his guts.

When I was on mat leave I did all the night wakings and when I went back to work we agreed we would share- however dh spent so long getting up and sorting things that it is just a lot quicker for me to do it which i know is crap but the ways it seems to have panned out

I do all night wakings as DS2 is breastfed and wakes 2hrly for feeds (past few night is has been hourly and I'm exhausted) he 7.5 months old. DH sleeps downstairs so he can get a full nights sleep for going to work but he does get up with DS1 (about 6.30-7 so not that early but DS2 doesn't get up until 7.30) and gives him breakfast and he puts DS1 to bed at night (DS2 goes up with me a bit earlier as it takes ages to get him to sleep).

I think that your situation is probably like mine, as I have fibromyalgia and getting enough sleep, or not enough as the case may be, is crucial to your health. When DS1 and 2 were tiny we took it in turns waking up and supported one another, but then when they settled down and were just a bit wakeful (couple of times a night) DH would see to them, even though I am a SAHM.

We both recognised that I had to function all day with a child/children and deal with a chronic illness. I know you say you are over your CFS but it may be that being exhausted could lead to a relapse, leaving you all in a much worse situation than if your DH shared the night wakings.

My DH now works nights so if there are any wakings, I do them and I can no longer take the medication I'm on as it makes me drowsy. I've noticed a big change in my pain levels and fatigue and it's really starting to impact on my life, made even worse by the fact that I can't just collapse every day and rest as it's just not fair on little children - it's not a plan for every single day, whereas your DH doing every other night, is. Good luck, OP.

Messtins, just to clarify, I do 6 nights a week currently, parents do 1. DH is amazing during the weekend days and will happily take the kids off so I can have some peace. Hmm though... Now I want him to do Friday and Saturday nights! Joy! No, poor bugger won't get a weekend lie in, seems mean. We are lucky that his job is local, just 15 minute journey and v civilised hours. God at first he was commuting, 6am-8.30pm, and we had no parental help, and a baby that woke for BFing every 1-2 hours. I did go a bit insane (and ill) then!!

Thewakingdead - oh I'm sorry, you sound so much worse off than me. I hope things improve soon and you can either share the nights, or your DC start sleeping through. I'm sending you lots of love.

Thank you for reminding me of the need to not compare myself with what others can do, maybe I do need to accept that sleep deprivation is unacceptable for me right now.

And - its making me a right grumpy old trout. Not a good look. Humph.

Who really gets to nap in the day though? Perhaps if you have just one baby. But often the mother is picking up other kids etc. And all this sleep when the baby sleeps. If you did that, the house would be a dungheap and nobody would have clean clothes. With my ex, I did all the nights and pretty much all the days. And, in the end, I hated his guts.

I get to nap in the day. I have one at school and I only need to pick him up at 3pm. My 2yo still naps. To be honest, if you've been up all night, it shouldn't matter if the house is a dungheap. When I talk about naps, I mean an hour, not six hours, so I still manage. Add an early night to that and all bases are covered.

However, my 2yo is much better at sleeping through now so it's only if he's ill that I am up all night with him. On those days, nobody cares about the house or dinner. DH can see I'm having a tough time and usually puts kids to bed and orders us a takeaway when he gets in.

Well maybe a good compromise is that you agree to do one night each on Friday and Saturday, then the other person gets up with the kids and whoever did night shift gets a lie in. That way you both get at least 2 nights a week off and at least one long lie in at the weekend.