is it fair that full time mums do all the nightshifts with baby so working hubby can sleep?

[agnes2404]

My DD is 14 months old and has decided she wants to cuddle me all night. Ahhhh. Argh! She is having ALL her teeth come at once and I think night time separation anxiety might have set in too - this not-sleeping coincided with her starting to walk. Anyhoo.... She's up at least 2x every night, and has taken to staying up for up to two hours a time.

I strongly believe if we give her lots of love and reassurance when she needs it, she will become confident and secure and more able to put herself to sleep again. This worked beautifully for her previously - after 7 months she slept 10 hours through every night, what a joy!

But no more! I am KNACKERED. Hubby helps at weekends, and my parents have her 1 night a week, so don't feel too sorry for me :)

I also have a 4yr DSD who is with us half of the time - on these nights DD is in our room with us so I lie listening to every grunt and snuffle.

You see, I recently recovered from chronic fatigue syndrome, so maybe I get a bit uptight about sleep.

So I'm wondering, how do you arrange things in your family? Do mums do the nightshift? Do you alternate nights?

Hope this makes sense, DD is skwarking at me as I type and bringing me gifts (shoes, paper...) gorgeous little duckling.

xx

My dh does more night stuff than me. He works full time. I am a sahm, which is also bloody hard work. I need a break from the kids in some way - night time is my time, apart from bfeeding duties obviously.

I wish. I do nights. I work FT. DH is SAHD (BFing)

I'd say in principle if DH is working full time then it's fair enough that SAHM does the night shifts during the week, especially if he helps you out at weekends. Then I read you also get a night off whilst your parents are in charge...so really you are asking if it's reasonable that you do 4 nights in 7? I appreciate your need to keep yourself functioning and that you have not been well, but really I think most mums SAHM or not would be pretty chuffed with that arrangement.

In our house I did all the night wakings with DS1 until I went back to work, then he was night-weaned and it became a bit more equally shared. DS2 had horrendous reflux and didn't sleep through until he was 18m old. For months and months he was up screaming every 90 minutes like clockwork. I dealt with him, DH got up early with the kids in the morning and let me have a snooze until he went to work. I think you have to figure out what works for your family and not compare yourself with others lest you get too jealous Can I have your parents phone number please??

I do think it's fair that the SAHM does most of the nightshifts. When I worked we shared it. Although DH did most of them. Even when I worked part-time. I know that was unfair but sometimes it was twice or three times a night on a bad night. Getting up and going to work is really really difficult when you have been up in the night with a child.

I was a sahm and I did all the night shifts with DD. I fell into it after BF on demand and ended up just getting u and dealing with her.

Then i had DC2, when DD was 19 mths old. I couldn't do both of them so DH had to get up for DD. Luckily DC2 was a much better sleeper and having them close together we did get that up during the night stage out of the way.

Looking back I am a bit resentful that DH didn't even give me a night off at weekends. At the time I was so bloody tired I didn't know what day it was half the time!

Hope you get some good sleep soon OP.

I am on maternity leave a the moment and do all nights bar the week ends. I think it's totally fair enough.
May I suggest that it you can't do it anymore you should start to consider some sleep training rather get you DH to do nights?

so these working DHs are only weekend dads? If both parents were working fulltime who would do the nights - no-one if that's the logic. In the threads I've reading about fulltime working mothers the point is always made that they are mothers every night and every weekend - so why not working dads?

50:50, all the way.

OP - if your DD is teething don't think twice about dosing her up to the max - you can give Calprofen and Calpol simultaneously, or alternately, if it's really bad. We would dose up and then sit by the cot stroking her back etc - tried very hard not to get her up out of the cot, or back into it asap.

Hope it gets better soon, sleepless night are horrid!

My DS was a very bad sleeper and suffered from lots of colic as a baby and although I was on ML, my DH would still do his share of night feeds despite working FT and studying 3 evenings a week at uni entailing 14hr days. While he was out of the house for 14hrs, he was well aware that I was left home for 14hrs caring for a small baby with colic which was just as stressful

Despite this he finished his course with a distinction but most importantly neither one of us felt that we were expected to look after our baby without the support of the other

Thalia don't be silly - dh baths then and puts them to bed and reads to them - he cooks more than me and he takes one or all of them when he walks the dog

If we both worked full time - we would share night wakings - but the wasn't the question in the OP

It is only unfair if you don't want to do it. Its not fair for one person to dictate to another what their divvy of family responsibility is. It is a shared family - so a shared burden/joy.

Basically - there is no 'rule' but we adapt to our own individual tiredness. If I've had a bad night - DH will take the babies downstairs in the morning whilst I get an extra hour sleep and vice versa.

I guess its about being considerate to each others tolerances and weaknesses.

We share it too even when I was on mat leave. Dh seems happy to help cos I really struggle without sleep. We seem naturally to step up when needed I know if he's very tired or has a busy day the next day and he does too we use our initiative. I think everyone needs sleep whether they work or not, I work part time and my day at work is easier than a day at home tbh.
Most men these days aren't exactly down the mines and are just as capable of getting through the day on a sleepless night as women are.
As for sleeping in the day that's a myth,I've never been able to sleep in the day and all my babies weren't good at naps either.
I think it's a selfish man who can watch his wife get up and do al the nights without helping even occasionally

Yes of course it is.

Personally I think you should get your DD to go to sleep esp as she is 14mths. Perhaps try shush and pat?

Dd 20 months calls Daddy when she wakes up I didn't start that I swear but it's great he can't resist her sweet little voice

florence I agree but when we finally did some sleep training with dd it was dh who took it on alongside me I just don't have the heart and think its a 2 person job when possible

I think that it is completely fair for the stay at home parent (be that the woman or the man) to do the night shift. I wouldn't expect my H to get up at nights in the week, as his job entails long hours and a commute. He'd drop dead of a heart attack if he had to get up at night as well, and then I'd have to do all the night shifts without an income coming in. Wouldn't be an improvement....

My dh never helps with night wakngs ever, weekend or not.

I do the night wakings and sick children, hence why he never gets a lie in [evil]

50/50 in our house mainly because I think that my work as a mum should be treated with the same respect than 'real' work (ie paid work).

The role of a parent is to look after their children and having a paid job doesn't mean that suddenly one should/can relinquish responsibility.
When both parents are working, I would imagine both parents manage to do the night shifts. Why not when one of the parent is a SAHP, doing a job just as important?

In response to the OP case, because she has had ME, I would expect that her DH would have already stepped up and done some night shifts as he should have an idea of how debilitating this illness can be.
I am also at people saying they can 'rest' during the day as a SAHP. I have never been able to sleep at the same time than my dcs. I was always on the listening for any problem, cries etc... And I have never been able to finish my cup of tea either when they were at that age because there is always something going on. I know I found being at work much more restful than being at home with the dcs....

Dh and I shared although I probs did two thirds as was bf. He worked at night a lot anyway. DC5 had severe reflux and slept for 20 mins only a night for first few months it was absolute awful, I never knew sleep deprivation like it even after having 4 others inc twins! We shared it then and both had no sleep for days and weeks on end until my parents helped and he was admitted to hospital for treatment (he would choke and stop breathing). With 4 older ones I had to have sleep to as needed to to and fro to school and clubs etc as well as function and feed them all etc. I work as hard as DH albeit unpaid! He found going to work a break! (And his job is one most people would consider very hard work).

Most men these days aren't exactly down the mines and are just as capable of getting through the day on a sleepless night as women are.

yy!!
Have any of you seeing the thread about 2 guys 'working' on the side of the road and actually spending most of their time sleeping in the van, having cups of tea etc..? And the long list of people explaining how people skiv at work too? Cups of tea, long break at the toilet, long time on MN, etc...

I tjink its fair,SAHP can rest if not sleep,what's stopping u,on a bad day,from staying on the sofa all morning/day,in your pjs if necessary,tv on,letting the dcs play?I did all night wakings,if a bad night obv am not expected to have a sparkly clean house and wonderful dinner at the end of the day.if both parents are working full time then 50:50

The thought of DH nodding off at the wheel cos he was up all night is a real concern.

The thought of me nodding off on the sofa whilst DS2 naps is not a concern at all.

Besides, if either of us are knackered we can go to bed early.

yes, not much 'resting' in this house, sorry I don't really want to park DD in front of the TV so I can 'rest' - much better that DH and I take it in turns and spread the load, so we can both function. If I am tired I get ratty and snappy and am generally a not very good parent, which personally (I may be alone) I think matters.

Also, I have no desire to create a situation where DD won't settle for one of us - what if you're away for some reason, or unwell? I know my BiL says DN won't settle for him, but that looks like a created situation whereby he has done the night settling so little that of course she wants Mummy.

Agree that if you're going to try sleep training you both need to get involved, it can be very draining! Not necessarily to do the settling part (I think I read somewhere it's confusing if 2 people do this) but to stay awake and support you.

Thalia- you can still "rest" without having to "park" your child in front of a telly. I'd rather rest at home whilst my son sleeps than risk my husband nodding off on a motorway.

There are other ways I can get rest without expecting DH to do the nights. I can have an early night, let him take over at weekends, or nap in the day when DS sleeps. I would rather do all of that than make him get up when he needs to be up at 6am for a long commute and a day at work.