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Original poster

How to come to terms with having failed your child?

38 replies

Katymac · 21/03/2006 21:29

I am seriously upset and unhappy, it has turned out that I have failed to protect my DD.

She has been being bullied at school and I have not taken action quickly or firmly enough.

I now need to deal with my upset and sort out how to help DD but I'm very "depressed" and find it difficult to cause anything to happen

It is still very early days yet and I know I have to deal with the guilt but would appreciate anyones help or their story of how they dealt with their guilt

TIA

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salsa · 21/03/2006 21:36

Had your DD previously told you about the fact that she was being bullied? Have you just found out? Did she tell you about it and you didn't look into it?

salsa · 21/03/2006 21:37

Katymac we put our children into schools so that they can be educated. Nobodys knows what other horid children will also be attending that school. There is nothing you can do initially.

Littlefish · 21/03/2006 21:37

Katymac - you're taking action now and I know that you will be taking it both swiftly and firmly. Have you decided whether to move your dd for the summer term?

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salsa · 21/03/2006 21:37

horrid

Original poster
Katymac · 21/03/2006 21:38

No - I have known about it for a year and have spoken to school about it for as long

At least once a week sometimes more

But they haven't beleived me until this week

I should have put it in writing and forced them to do something

I just let them put me off - They even referred me to Family Support because they thought it was a home based problem

OP posts:
lucy5 · 21/03/2006 21:39

I don't think you have failed your child I have seen your posts on here agonising over what to do. It's probably now come to a head with the school finally accepting it. You have done and will continue to do the best for your child. I know you are a good mum, I can tell fromm all I have read. [Smile]

lucy5 · 21/03/2006 21:40

oops Smile

Feistybird · 21/03/2006 21:40

Please don't blame yourself for your school's failing.

salsa · 21/03/2006 21:45

It sounds like you have done everything possible bar removing her from the school. What are the school going to do now?

Original poster
Katymac · 21/03/2006 21:54

I feel powerless
I feel angry
I feel guilty

I need to put these to one side & move on for DD's sake

I don't know how

OP posts:
salsa · 21/03/2006 22:08

What does your dd say? Does she want to stay in the school?

ks · 21/03/2006 22:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Crystaltips · 21/03/2006 22:13

How old is your DD ?

Original poster
Katymac · 21/03/2006 22:13

I'm making a formal complait tomorrow
\link{http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk?topicid=43&threadid=157411&stamp=060321180811\here's the letter}

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Original poster
Katymac · 21/03/2006 22:19

Shes 8

OP posts:
notasheep · 21/03/2006 22:56

Hi,its that Family support Worker again.
Are you getting support? I read earlier that they were referred as it was supposedly a home based problem.They should be supporting you anyway,a disgrace if they are not

threelittlebabies · 21/03/2006 23:03

Katymac, no advice but lots of sympathy, have read other threads about your dd being bullied, and am so Sad for you. Think that letter is awesome, and just wanted to wish you the best of luck for tomorrow, and give your dd a hug from me for being so brave. Will you let us know how you get on?

Piffle · 21/03/2006 23:08

KM I recall feeling like this.
One day at a time babe.
Make sure your dd knows you're on to it - give her an escape mechanism (private if school obstructive)
You are dealing with it now - superbly might I add, maybe you feel bad just now, but you will feel better soon as will dd.

Original poster
Katymac · 22/03/2006 07:00

notasheep - she was on holiday last week and I spoke to her on Monday....she was going to ring the school (it's funny isn't it that it all happened on Monday afternoon)

She was out of the office today (I think in court?) and will be ringing me today.

I still need to decide whether to give in this letter this morning or wait and talk to her, and give it in this afternoon

The letter is by way of being a punishment and it's not going to help DD as such - so if she is being properly helped is it necessary?

OP posts:
Lasvegas · 22/03/2006 13:50

Katymac. Wanted to let you know that you are not alone with guilt feelings. In last 9 months DD has been mistreated by child minder, diagnosed with nut allegy and severed tip of her finger. I feel that I have not been there for her and I should have re-acted sooner to the 1st 2 issues. After my initial guilt re-action I am reminding myself of all the good things I provide for DD - a loving home environment and a house in a safe area for example. I try to concentrate on these and not dwell on the if only's as it was making me depressed. I say to myself a happy mother is best placed to help a child to develop and recover from past trauma. I owe it to my daughter to avoid being depressed if at all possible. I had a wake up call when I was looking into potential psyschiatric help for DD aged 3 (she dwells on being mentally abused by old childminder) and therapist gently suggested that maybe it was me the mother who was anxious not DD. I hope this helps even though not related to bullying at school.

Berries · 22/03/2006 14:01

Km, I have had similar problems with my dd, which we resolved by moving school. Just wanted to say that she has now been at new school since Jan and has bounced back completely. She has regained a lot of her confidence and self-esteem, and is much happier. If you can stop the problems at school (which will hopefully be dealt with now) you will probably find that your dd will also recover quickly. As long as it gets stopped immed. she will know that there is someone looking out for her.
Do know what you mean about the guilt though. dds problems started in reception & she's now in y4. Her school was more proactive though, so incidences were dealt with so the problems died down for a month or 2. I kept hoping that this time it would finally stop for good, unfortunately it didn't and I do regret not moving her sooner, but am happy now that she's in the right place.
Would it help your dd if she emailed my dd? I think they're about the same age (dd isn't 9 until end of July), cat me if you're interested.

notasheep · 22/03/2006 16:11

sorry i missed your note earlier katymac,i think stonknig letter should definately go in anyway and that your support worker should still be supporting you.

Original poster
Katymac · 22/03/2006 16:18

Letter has gone in

Family Support Lady is meeting me at the school for a meeting on Friday (which is the earliest the Head can manage)to support me

She understands that I feel fragile and that I have no confidence in my abilities and opinions

Sha has asked me to complie a list of events...so far I'm up to 17 events.....and I haven't started thinking yet

OP posts:
notasheep · 22/03/2006 16:43

Sounds good,really glad you are continuing to get support from Family Support Lady.

I have never been called a lady before,seriously though,does sound like she is there for you.

best wishes

mousiemousie · 22/03/2006 16:55

Very sorry to hear about what must be a horrible experience for you and dd. This must have been such a difficult situation to handle - hindsight is great but how many of us would really have been able to sort this out if it happened to us?

If you learn the lessons from the past then that is all you can do. If you are able to get some parenting advice on how best to support dd then I think this will be really good for you both.

As for the guilt - you did what you could at the time and no one can do more than this. Sometimes we can't protect our children as much as we would like and I think that is a harsh reality of life. It sounds as though now is a time to stop reflecting on the past, and try to concentrate on now and on the future - you will be able to offer a lot of support and listening to your child. Maybe you could do something symbolic to let go of the anger and guilt feelings...write them down and float them away down the stream if that appeals?