In which aspect(s) of parenting are you as deliberately different from your own parents as possible?

[Frizzbonce]

I was thinking of this because my mother was terrified of strong feelings and would often contradict what I said I felt. So I would say 'I'm feeling really depressed mum because of x' and she'd say: 'No you're not - you're just sulking!' or 'This isn't you - you're normally so cheerful'. Naturally I grew up distrusting my own feelings and ashamed of feeling depressed.

So now I take my children's feelings seriously and (I hope) listen to what they have to say. I might not be able to sort their problems out but I never trivialise them. Not to say I'm not making lots of other mistakes but I'm determined that they'll never complain I didn't listen to them.

I hug them at least once a day and tell them I love them.

I don't ask them what other children get in their exams, just celebrate what they acheive themselves.
My parents used to ask what .........got, as she always got better than me it made me feel second best, and she was a horrible little snob!!!!

Exactly the same as you, OP. My mum would use those exact words - and still does. I'm pretty crap at emotions as a result and M determined not to do this with my DCs.

If I do a tenth of the job my parents did, I'll be doing well with my kids. The only thing I consciously do different is to not take the mick out of my teen dd about boyfriends/potential boyfriends. Mt parents and else's sister did this to me with the result I never told them anything about any love life I might have had. So far so good with dd, she tells me who she's keen on, if she's seeing a guy-and brings him home, and is generally quite open. She's only 15 so nothing serious yet and I know we've a long way to go, but it's looking like we're going the right way.

You never get the impression that my mum is really listening to you - she just keeps on doing whatever and saying hmm now and again...waiting for her turn to talk. I HATE that - its a source of such resentment.

So I try to look at my son when he's talking, care less about what task I'm doing and focus on him, I provide eye contact and try to think about what he's said and give actually commentary/feedback. I really want my kids to feel like I care about what they are saying - that they are heard.

I don't tell them that they cramp my style and that I cannot stand them

It's amazing and heartbreaking how many of us don't remember being hugged or told that we are loved.

A few years before mum died I burst into tears and told her that my marriage was falling apart. She shoved a tissue at me and literally ran out of the room. But then nobody hugged her probably.

Pancake I hug and squeeze my dd a lot.

Jesus AF - I'm lost for words. How did you survive?

I will never hit them and I will never lie to them and I will never put them down and make them feel their achievements are nothing.

I got accepted onto a degree course today, phoned my Mum to tell her and she said 'Well I heard on the news that they are so short of students this year, the'll take anyone' I should be used to it by now, but it still rankles.

I tell my daughter every day that she is beautiful. My mother was always scared of making us big headed, and hence would always put us down if there was any danger we would be overly proud of ourselves.
She also still finds it very difficult to praise me; I think it is a bit of an overhang from her childhood, but nevertheless I find it very painful ( I am 46 by the way and need to get over it!)

I don't say I'll play "in a minute" and then never do. My parents were/are great but rarely played whatever daft games I wanted to play. I do understand now I'm a parent how boring it can be but I really try to say yes and join in as much as I can stand manage.

I was very unhappy for quite a while and made some bad choices in my teens, Frizz, thanks for asking

but I'm alright now (and have no relationship with my father)

same as everybody else who had a less than ideal childhood on this thread, I suppose, to one degree or another

Gobblers - that is exactly the kind of thing my mum says to me!! It drives me insane!

Gobblers, congratulations !

I tell DD I love her every single day and when she says she loves me I always say it back. She gets hugs and cuddles everyday too.

I go without so DD can have what she needs and wants (within reason). My parents were "skint" when we were little, but had 20k in savings when I was 14

I will encourage DD to do hobbies/classes if she wants to and I will give lifts.

I aim that my kids will grow up knowing that I love them, trust them, and am proud of them.

belinda - she's not Irish by any chance like my mum? Great with strangers - they all thought she was 'hilarious' but cool and brisk with her own children. I think she suffered badly from PND but when I tried to talk to her she would say: 'Depression - I didn't have time to be depressed!'

Molly that is a killer. There are so many adults like that - serial monologuists who just produce White Noise and wait for a gap so they can dive in and carry on with their monologue. Children know when they are not being listened to - not taken seriously.

Gobblers - congratulations on being accepted. That's brilliant. And of course it rankles - what a toxic thing to say. I hope you've got other sources of support.

I aim to emulate my mum in many ways - I certainly felt loved and listened to and am at many of these posts. I intend to be a bit stricter though. I think my brother and I were too indulged in some ways and the real world came as a bit of a shock to us!

I don't smack. Ever.

I also don't make 'jokes' about my children that make them feel bad about themselves.

I also don't spend money on chocolate and fags while my children wipe their arses on newspaper.

I let DD sleep in at the weekends for as long as she wants. I don't make her do all the housework before she goes out with her mates, I talk to her and I welcome her friends into our house.

Those are the main areas that I remember hating about my youth from my mother. Pretty shit existance, when I think about it!

Oh oh, my main one is I say sorry when I'm wrong! Argh, this still annoys me and I'm 31 now, but growing up neither of my parents ever said sorry when they were in the wrong!

If I lose my temper and shout I always apologise and if I get something wrong (eg blame them for something they didn't do) I make sure they know I'm sorry and that's it's not okay what I said/did.

There were times I could see on their faces the exact moment my parents realised they had been unfair and got it wrong but they would be totally unable of admitting it. So just carried on regardless to save face.

I will never do this to my DC.

I set boundaries and don't worry about whether or not my son is my best friend.

My mum was never keen on us having friends round,hence loads of my kids friends have been through our place.

frizzbounce,mine is almost identical to yours we were never allowed to be upset or angry ,think it was because my Mothers Father was depressed throughout her childhood and playing happy families was so important to her.
Sadly this inability to express any negative emotion has caused some serious issues with some of my siblings and their mental health.

I am always talking about my kids feelings,probably have gone too far the other way!!

I won't make my children (DSs but still relevant obviously) massively aware of the calorie content of every piece of food, teach them to be fattist or let them know when I am dieting, or how much I weighed when I got married. My Dad had my Mum doing sit ups a week after she had my elder sister. They both "joke" about it but having had disordered eating in my yoof, I don't think it's remotely funny. My Dad comments on the boys weight even now, "look at your big fat tummy!" and I see history repeating itself.

I won't treat my other half like shit, speak to him like shit, and make it seem so normal that I don't even acknowledge it's not acceptable behaviour till I am an adult and compare it to other families.

I won't compare one child's exam results to another's.

I won't want to ram home the "you must earn your own way in this world" message so much, despite being wealthy, that I risk my children not experiencing amazing life events such as travelling or the like.