In which aspect(s) of parenting are you as deliberately different from your own parents as possible?

[Frizzbonce]

I was thinking of this because my mother was terrified of strong feelings and would often contradict what I said I felt. So I would say 'I'm feeling really depressed mum because of x' and she'd say: 'No you're not - you're just sulking!' or 'This isn't you - you're normally so cheerful'. Naturally I grew up distrusting my own feelings and ashamed of feeling depressed.

So now I take my children's feelings seriously and (I hope) listen to what they have to say. I might not be able to sort their problems out but I never trivialise them. Not to say I'm not making lots of other mistakes but I'm determined that they'll never complain I didn't listen to them.

Oh yes, I wont obsess about what food he does or doesn't eat.

Same as a lot of the other posters - I hug DS every day and make sure I tell him that I love him.

Oh God yes the 'jokes' which really hurt. What is that all about - making a child the butt of a cruel joke and then accusing them of being 'too sensitive'? Just another type of emotional abuse?

Big thing when I was a teenager - I think it's a dad's job to be his daughter's chivalrous admirer and not someone who makes remarks about her 'tits' or 'arse'. I tried to talk to dad about this recently about how utterly inappropriate it is to make sexualised remarks about your child and he apologised but I don't think he understood how horrible it was and how much it made me feel dirty and dangerous.

"I tell my daughter every day that she is beautiful. My mother was always scared of making us big headed, and hence would always put us down if there was any danger we would be overly proud of ourselves.
She also still finds it very difficult to praise me; I think it is a bit of an overhang from her childhood, but nevertheless I find it very painful ( I am 46 by the way and need to get over it!) "

Squeegle, I never knew my mum had another daughter....

I also try to give mine a bit of freedom and not panic if they are out of the house (or in the house, come to that) without adult supervision.

allpastyears - Hi Sis!!!

I'm sure our daughters will benefit!

I don't prioritise non-essential housework over time with DC- I don't mean hygienic things like washing up, I mean things like ironing pants and having the beds made before 9am. I guess always having time for them rather than being too busy.

I tell them that I love them at least once a day. I don't ever remember hearing that as a child, even though I know that they did love me.

I don't make my DD clear her plate and will not leave her in the car with a bottle of pop and a bag of crisps while I have a beer (or three - thanks Dad!) but, I'm also much more of a killjoy safety concious so DD will probably not get to ride on my uncles motorcycle without a helmet or stand between the front seats in the car (a capri no less) and stand out of the sun roof!
My parents got a lot wrong, but they were young and fun (unlike me!!)

I don't tell my dds all my problems and make them into my best friend at a very young age. I don't make them feel guilty when they don't feel like spending time with me, or favour DH to me (he's a lot more fun than I am ). I don't make them my sole purpose in life, they know that I also exist outside being a mum, I don't heap the responsibility for my happiness on their shoulders and I refuse to be a bloody martyr! I encourage them to go after their dreams and tell them they can do anything they want as long they put their mind to it and are prepared to work at it.

we talk

all the time

I couldn't talk to my Mum about anything important ever - still can't!

And although the blame is all mine, I think it was pretty instrumental in my getting pg at 14!

I don't take pictures of my kids to laugh at them because they 'look stupid'

I don't ever hit my children

I have said sorry to my children when I have made mistakes or been in the wrong

I don't ever tell my children no-one will ever want to live with them because they are nightmares

I don't refuse to speak to my kids for days at a time when I am upset/angry about something they have done

I don't chase my kids round the house with a big stick

Funnily enough I don't take my kids to see the grandparents very often unlike my parents!

I make sure they my kids know they can talk to me about anything. When it comes to talk about our bodies, relationships, emotions and everything to do with growing up, I err on the side of overshare. Mum did her best but just could NOT discuss personal matters with us. I realize that this could backfire .

I actually love my kids

I hug them and tell them I love them all the time. I don't remember my parents doing that, even though we were on pretty good terms once I stopped being a teenager. And they are told that whatever is making them sad or worried they can come to me. I used to bottle a lot up.

And, yes I know it's shallow, but I will let mine wear trendy (although not stupidly expensive designer) clothes. I was always the odd one out in crap clothes and bullied for it. Obviously this meant that as soon as I was in charge of buying my clothes as an adult I went a bit mad and my wardrobe has long since burst at the seams.

Clear boundaries explained well, ditto expectations and responsibilities, and consequences.

No constant stream of men/affairs/etc

Calm atmosphere and calmly dealing with problems

Not leaning on DD as a friend or treating her like a friend.

I also tell DD she is beautiful and pretty and funny. Because she is. But also because she should be told that by her mum.

I listen to her too.

I will not pick on my children when it comes to their love life. I was 15 and still apparently hating boys even though I'd had a couple of school relationships by then.

I will not spend all my time working to earn every penny I can so we can afford a new car every year or any other luxury item. I will spend that time being with my family having fun

I will not put them down because they didn't get the highest mark possible. When I started secondary school I got a C in my first history homework which I was chugged with, when I told my parents I was asked why not an A. Also my nan said I should be a nurse. My parents reaction was oh no not a nurse but a doctor, which I was never clever enough to be.

I am not going to be better than my kids and realise that they are Hunan so will make mistakes and not put them down in the hope that they dont grow up scared of me like I still am of my parents.

I will not force my eldest to babysit my youngest. If they are happy to stay in I may go out and pay them, but I will not say yes you are 18 but you are not allowed out as I want to.

My eldest is 7 so a few are a bit off just yet. That felt great writing that out, very cathartic.

Chuffed not chugged

I talk to them, and listen to them, I tell them every day how much I love them, I kiss and cuddle them, I play with them, I cuddle them in their beds while they fall asleep, I love it if they come into our bed in the night, I don't tell them I'm ashamed of them, or that they look a mess and embarrass me, or that they're sick in the head, I tell them how proud I am when they do things well, I tell them they're beautiful and funny and special, I will never tell them not to get ideas above their station, I say sorry when I'm wrong, I don't compare them with other children, I don't mock them, or humiliate them or try to rule them with fear.

Food.

I cook decent food, and make sure that there is at least one part of the meal that everybody likes. The DC are free to eat it or leave it. I don't comment or get stressy if they choose not to - there is no more food until the next mealtime though.

This is in contrast to my parents who would make us sit at the table for HOURS if we didn't eat our tea, serve it up for every meal until we did eat it, and more than once forced food into our mouths.

I do not chain smoke in the house and give my children empty cigarette packets to use as dolls' houses. I am not an alcoholic.

I can relate to so many orhers here.

My main one will be to never smack my DDs just because I am angry (or any other reason for that matter).

I will praise them for every achievement to try and give them self-confidence.

After an argument with DH, I would never wake them up at night to demand they choose who they were going to live with because we were going to split up.

I will try to be as truthful with them as possible (bar the tooth fairy and Santa for the next few years).

I hope to never openly have an affair that they know about, making them feel guilty about having to lie to their dad due to my actions.

Pretty much everything!
I figure if I do the exact opposite to mine then I am on the right track.

I won't be embarrassed to talk about sex and relationships, puberty, where babies come from. My DSs will always know that I will tell them the truth in a matter of fact, non judgemental way.

Apart from that mine were fine. DH on the other hand says that he will;

Not stand outside the toilet door saying "what are you doing in there?"
Teach our sons how to shave.
If they come second in a test, not ask "well what could you have done to come first?
Praise them up when they do a good job.
Not get annoyed when they want to try something but aren't all that good at it straight away.
Let them make some mistakes.
Not keep harping on about those mistakes.
Kiss and cuddle them and tell them they are loved.
Play silly games and do daft things.

I am a worse mother than my own. I'm OK, but she was, and is, amazing.