In which aspect(s) of parenting are you as deliberately different from your own parents as possible?

[Frizzbonce]

I was thinking of this because my mother was terrified of strong feelings and would often contradict what I said I felt. So I would say 'I'm feeling really depressed mum because of x' and she'd say: 'No you're not - you're just sulking!' or 'This isn't you - you're normally so cheerful'. Naturally I grew up distrusting my own feelings and ashamed of feeling depressed.

So now I take my children's feelings seriously and (I hope) listen to what they have to say. I might not be able to sort their problems out but I never trivialise them. Not to say I'm not making lots of other mistakes but I'm determined that they'll never complain I didn't listen to them.

This is a sad but interesting thread.
My parents were mostly fab and my Dts are only one, but both dh and I have promised to make holidays as child centric as possible - I think we both have memories of being dragged around a lot. Dh to be huggy and affectionate with them both. And to not be afraid of celebrating sometimes - both our parents have a frugal side which I admire, but spending a few pounds here and there to make life more fun and mark special occasions is important too

I bf, my mum didn't. I blw, she gave us mush.
Only just the other week I realised my own mother was a helicopter parent. I think every time my two breathed she was saying, 'no, don't do that'.
I'm probably more relaxed with things. And I don't treat them differently, unlike when my db was given opportunities, andeven better Xmas presents than me.

I don't refuse to speak to my children for days on end. My mother used to do this to me and my sister from the age of 8. I buy them fashionable clothes and don't make them keep them "for best"

I dont tell my kids off for getting mucky or dirty. In fact I would encourage it if it meant they were having fun. I was always to afraid to do some things as I wasnt allowed to mucky up my clothes

Wow this made me think. I think I will always try and appologise if I am in the wrong, mum is still crap at this. I will be open to talk about anything in a casual no-worries way, trying not to make some subjects feel scary and overwhelming - I worried a lot about some things growing up as mum made them feel scary and 'grown up' (periods etc). I hope my kids can be themselves around me, I find myself always trying to live up to this idea I think my mum has of me, I feel fake ALL the time and I HATE it. Like I am still trying to impress her, so I just dont tell her the exact truth reguarding my feelings etc I sugar coat everything and it is exhausting!!!!!!!

Breastfed DS until he was 23mo. Co-slept with him and did a lot of attachment style parenting wrt his crying. Hug and tell him I love him every day, tell him he's my beautiful boy, make him feel loved and lovely (which he is).

I was 29 before my mother told me I was "pretty". Up until that point she'd just criticised me at every turn. :(
She was the sort who, if you got 95% in a test, would ask what happened to the other 5%.

I still get annoyed with myself when I catch myself doing things that my mum used to do that I didn't like but I don't do it that often because I try to make sure I don't.

I won't try and palm DC off on others so I can spend all my free time going on holiday with various men, or practising my hobbies. And I won't drag DC along to adult only events when I can't get a sitter.

Not letting my DCs get abused by anyone - and if something bad did ever happen I would damn well make them pay instead of ignoring it or making excuses for the abuser (thanks mum)

I do want to encourage schoolwork etc but I am determined not to let that be the be all and end all - I will encourage other activities and play rather than banning everything except schoolwork. I make sure I praise them for everything not just being clever.

I try to play with my DCs and give them a fun childhood and recognise they are actually children, people in their own right, not just accessories.

If I think there is something wrong I will get it seen to and not just ignore it.

I will encourage them to look after their appearance and make sure they are decently clothed instead of ignoring them while looking after myself (not that it would ever happen - I am a total scruffbag as I never learnt how to be otherwise)

I will encourage them to be active and enjoy sport instead of dismissing all activity as rough and pointless

I will not use my DCs as a counsellor and friend substitute and burden them with my own problems

I will play with my DCs (this one I find difficult for various reasons but I am seeking help)

Parenting is hard!

I just love my DS!

I grew up with a father in prison (we have a good relationship now though) and a mother who would tell me on at least a weekly basis that I wasn't planned, I'm only here because my father wouldn't let her get rid of me even tho she tried. I lived in horrible second hand clothes and drank horrible things such as powdered orange juice and missed meals whilst she bought herself fags and shoes etc- she eventually upped and left me in Sheffield 2 weeks after my 16th birthday to live in cornwall with my equally horrible step dad. Didnt hear a peep from her until 13 years later when my step dad died of cancer - suddenly she wanted a daughter! Needless to say I wasn't interested!

My DS already has a savings account set up, totally comes first - I'd go without anything to ensure he gets what he needs. Plus I hug him, kiss him and tell him I love him every day - at the moment he says no no no when I kiss him but he likes it really! : )

mirai "I won't tell my daughter, when she's 9, that she's her daddy's prostitute."

fuzzpig "I do want to encourage schoolwork etc but I am determined not to let that be the be all and end all - I will encourage other activities and play rather than banning everything except schoolwork."

Yy to that, fuzzpig. I remember the horror from my mum when I bought tickets for Roxy Music at the age of 16. "But it's a schoolnight!" Yeah, well one schoolnight off out of every 597 won't hurt will it...

Having said that, my parents were OK overall. I didn't agree (and still don't) with all of the decisions they made, but they did their best for us according to what they believed and certainly weren't horrendous parents like some of the parents on this thread.

• Tell my children I love them.
• Do housework and keep the house in some reasonable order.
• If I'm supposed to be picking them up I do it on time, not leave them waiting for hours alone while everyone's gone home.

I don't co-sleep as a rule (only for a couple of hours in the early morning if he wants to - LO is 5 months old). My mum still has my youngest brother (age 7) co-sleeping with her. I don't want to share my bed with a wriggly child.

Also, LO is on a routine. A Gina Ford routine. My mum is totally anti-routine.

Frizzbonce, same as you - I have to stop myself from saying "don't be silly, of course you like x" - but I do, every time, and I hope eventually the words will stop rising up.

I tell my children I love them, in those words, every day

I let them each have things which they don't have to share

I help them to look nice and if they hate something they don't have to wear it

I don't laugh at them or hold them up to other people for ridicule and tell them they are not allowed to be hurt. When dd1 said once "don't laugh!" I was so sorry and stopped laughing at once and apologised and won't do it again

Also, I won't let him see any violence between us (not that there is mind!) I grew up with a violent (but loving to his children) father, and it wasn't until I was around 11 that I realised that my mate's dads didn't hit their mums.

I am physically demonstrative every single day...lot's of times. I also tell them I love them.

I won't minimise the achievements of one child to make the other feel better, or make them turn down opportunities that they're offered and the sibling isn't. I'd try to find something genuine to praise the other one for/things for the other one to do instead.

In adult life I will try to show enthusiasm or at least find out something about their interests/jobs rather than ignoring anything of which I don't have direct personal experience.

I will try to recognise that I am from a different generation to them and some of my attitudes may have become out of date (my parents are lovely, kind people but their attitudes to sexuality and ethnicity don't half make me cringe sometimes).

Mirai I won't tell my daughter, when she's 9, that she's her daddy's prostitute"

It beggars belief. And yet you survived it and are determined to break her toxic pattern. Kudos to you.

Another recurring pattern is that so many of our parents thought that if they apologised for doing or saying something wrong, we would lose respect for them.

You reap what you sow.

I will keep my children healthy, and give them the best balanced diet I can without too many restrictions or too much freedom to stuff there faces!

I was always the 'fat' kid although not actually overweight as a child I was bigger than my friends, the I hit teenage years and to battle the emotions I ate and was allowed, there also wasn't really healthy meals offered. My dcs are 5 and 3, my younger siblings are 7 and 4, my 4yo sibling is in size 9/10 trousers to fit there waist, and struggles to enjoy 10minutes in soft play as they can't climb/pull themselves up, my dd is a mere 4mnths younger than my sibling so its all to easy to see how he should be. Its heartbreaking.

I also promise no matter what happens between me and their Dad, I will not have my 'new family' once they are grown and make them feel like they weren't good enough. And bitch and be rude because I am jealous (for example, I should wake my dcs up and walk to school instead of letting them get enough sleep and have time for a good breakfast and then drive, we do walk, 50/50 I'd say but I'm pregnant and slow and really its none of her business, but she doesn't drive so gets bitchy about me using a car)

On that note, I promise to travel with them, so they can experience outside of the town they live, days at the seaside, museums, visiting family who don't live only 5mins away, experiencing new things and LIVING every day not existing in one house doing nothing new.

I also always apolagise if I get snappy or over-react to bad behaviour, I am not perfect, its important the dc know they're as much entilted to respect as I am, and I always so I'm sorry I shouted etc I shouted because... I love you I just do not like this behaviour etc.

I apologise to them if I am in the rong or get cross at them and shout.

I don't get drunk at every given chance and ignore them.

I dont make them feel like they are a burdon to me.

I won't hit my children with a bamboo cane when they won't do what I want. (I still have to work on being over controlling. I find hard not to shout at the kids!)

My children have a sense of routine. They live in a clean house and have a bath and a bedtime story.

Academic sucess is not everything in life.

I tell DD how much I love her, I hug her, spend time with her, enjoy talking to her and spending time with her. I do not tell her that 'she's a square peg in a round hole', or how much I 'don't like children and never wanted any'. Nor do I choose to absolve all responsibility for child-rearing on the grounds that 'if I had have enforced any discipline, I would have beaten you to death'.

Still endeavouring to get head around my weird childhood.

So very trivial compared to others on here but I warm the shampoo in my hands before washing DD's hair.

It was always squirted straight from the bottle when I was a kid and it was so freaking cold I hated having my hair washed.