Too young to cry it out?

[Emmaonthehill]

Hi,
I'm mum to a 5 week old DB. Luckily our sleep in the night isn't too bad - he goes down straight after bath and bottle but during the day, he refuses to sleep. He will start to yawn and I take him to his room where I try to put him down but as soon as the head touches the sheet, he screams! Even if he has fallen asleep on me and I put him down, he wakes within a few minutes. I know 'crying it out' is suggested for much older babies but as soon as I lift him, he's fine and stops crying. I can't get anything done as I'm constantly lifting him! Is this something just to deal with or can I just leave him to cry? I'm confident hes not hungry or wet or anything else is obviously wrong, it just seems he has got me round his little finger and I'm scared he'll get into bad habits if we don't break them now! All suggestions welcome!

I did it early, DS2 was a terrible attention seeker, the minute I put him down he cried.

Sorry but I let him cry, didnt take long, he would settle and after a few nights he realised he couldnt get his own way.

I suffer from depression and sleep deprevation is an absolute no go for me. The OH is self employed with heavy machinery for us getting a baby to settle and sleep was essential. And a baby will cry more if it realises that it gets attention.

Luckily we didnt have baby in our room either. DS2 also was wide awake at night but nothing I could do would change that he had to settle by himslef with swaddling.

By the way if anyone says it scares them or leaves them emotional wrecks they are talking bull. Both my boys are extremely happy, well grounded but mad!

Sleep deprivation is a killer, I agree. But how can a baby 'get his own way' because he cries to be picked up seeking comfort from his mum or dad? I am staggered by your post bacon :(

I'm so staggered by bacon's post that I don't think I can respond to it. Anyone who calls a tiny baby an attention seeker is...well, words fail me.

I've done CIO with my 7mo so I'm not against in on principle but... bacon, I'm almost lost for words. How can a baby that young be attention seeking? Or wanting to 'get their own way'? Tiny young babies cry because they need something. They don't cry just to annoy you.

I had periods of suffering from low mood during the newborn stage when I had both my DC but I handed them over to DH as I was sometimes very overwhelmed, gave me time to reflect and recharge my batteries and then carry on. But there's no way I had the courage to let either of my boys cry themselves to sleep, I was a nervous wreck even listening to them crying for a few mins! I would be sad if someone left me to cry if I was upset, wailing my eyes out, hoping that someone would come to me to see if I was okay. Think how hard that must be for a baby when they cannot speak to you and let you know how they feel, they can only cry to make themselves heard to the world.

Yes, the sleep deprivation is hard (goodness knows I bleated on about it on several posts on MN and also in RL) but it's part and parcel of parenthood and people understand when you've had a baby that you won't get a lot of sleep.

Showing some empathy towards a little person new to the world wouldn't go a miss. I really am staggered by that post..

Goodness. DD has only just started self settling at 19m, its amazing, and she did it herself when she was ready. Newborn stage was horrific as she had undiagnosed medical problems, she screamed each and everytime she was laid on her back, looking back, I don't know how we survived it. Neither of us had sleep for months, and I ended up on anti-depressants as a result of what we went through.

But I could never leave her to cry. We never, ever did, and I'm proud of that. I did use a sling, it was a marvel. I couldn't co-sleep, but we managed somehow. and you will too. I promise. Ali, from one depressed mum to another, please speak to someone quickly, they can help and are there for you, you aren't a bad mother, honest xxx.

Emma, you are doing a grand job, housework is for men at times like this . Have a google of the fourth trimester it will help you understand how your LO is right now. Ultimately its up to you, but my DD is such a loving, unclingy toddler now, so secure in herself, and that is down to the cuddles she's had, I know it.

Ignore bacon. A quick search shows that she bangs on about CIO and leaving DC in a room and shutting the doors so you can't hear.

attention seeking from a tiny baby? words fail me :(

Bacon that's disgusting. "Attention seeking"? Jesus.

People who feel like that about babies shouldn't be allowed them, frankly.

I suffer from Borderline Personality Disorder and Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. And yet I managed to actually attend to my sons needs.

Seriously, I feel sick reading what you've written. If you're not prepared to actually look after a baby... Don't have one.

Loads of people said to me "you'll never get them out your bed" "creating a rod or your own back"" you'll spoil them etc" but you know what to me there is nothing nicer than cuddling up and sleeping with your baby, to me it's one of the best things there is cuddling a little baby until it falls asleep on you.

Last night DH was away and DD1 slept with me and it was lovely she's 8 now. I've coslept until at least a year with all my babies, they all sleep fine now, went into their own cots and rooms by themselves, is they cry in the night they know someone will come and cuddle them, is that not better than there is o point in crying anymore?

OP - we have all been where you are one, take one day at a time, forget about the housework, seriously, just look after you and the baby, it will get better honestly.

Personally i think too young! Besides, it's lovely to have a cuddle and the more reason for you to have a rest!

Yes babies are just attention seekers. Silly, selfish things. Sheesh.........how hard hearted and callous.

Bloody attention seeking babies eh? They always want something!!

5 weeks is too young - honestly, the best thing to do is go to bed with the baby, take advantage of the fact you only have one (so far!) and can just lie in bed with him. Failing that, lie with him on the couch while you watch shite daytime TV.

• I have to admit that I have just started to leave LO to cry at 5 months old. I have PND and have also been having psychotic episodes, so it's quite important for me to be able to get sleep, and time by myself. But, I don't just chuck him in a room with the door closed. He is checked after 3 minutes, then 5 minutes then every 10 minutes. By 'checked' I mean I go in, sing a little lullaby and stroke his tummy.

My DS slept on me or DH for every daytime nap until he was about 10 weeks old and then he decided he didn't want to anymore. I would plonk myself in front of the tv with a flask of tea and pack of biscuits and tried to relax. I would grumble about it a lot back then but now that I have an active baby I sometimes miss that quiet me time. Young babies need the comfort of being with their parents and i personally would not risk doing something like CIO not knowing the longterm effects it could have. Just go with the cuddles, it may be boring and you may not get much done right now but so what - it won't last forever.

Yes I now miss the quiet moments when they just sleep on you. At the time you want to get on with stuff but this is such a small period of their life and it passes so quickly.

Bacon why did you go on to have a 2nd DC if you had to go through sleep deprivation a second time?? I honestly hope you don't have any more DC because I'd feel extremely sorry for them being brought up in such a cold, heartless way.

I really loved having baby sleep on me - we still do it now, when I can't be arsed to move from the couch to his room (I'm very lazy, we live in a flat and his room is about 3 seconds walk from the couch).

Enjoy baby's soft squashy skin, and lovely cuddly smell as long as possible. It'll be over before you know it.

I think that it is no good berating exhausted mothers for the fact that they think that their baby is attention seeking/manipulating them.

I have come across so so many nurses/midwives/doctors/paediatricians/nursery workers/nannies/general public who hold this view, so it is not surprising that some mothers hold this view. This view is far more widespread than many people on Mumsnet may believe.

I totally agree that it is wrong to think that babies are little manipulators. However, what needs to be done is to explain why this is not the case (as a number of posters indeed have done, including useful links etc.). Maybe, some people should start writing more about this in popular press/TV etc. to get across that these are outdated believes.

For the people who have posted and have difficulty enjoying their baby, I hope you seek advice either with your GP/Health visitor/telephone helplines etc. You need to seek help and luckily enough help is out there!

Sorry, meant beliefs not believes ...

OP I agree with the poster on the previous page who suggested swaddling. My DD hated being put down too, and swaddling her made such a difference, as it made her feel more secure.

Also, although I agree with the consensus that you shouldn't leave a tiny baby to cry, remember that if you feel like you're losing your temper, it's far far better to leave them for 5 minutes, and to go and take some deep breaths.

I hated the early days, it's such hard work, but it does get loads easier & more fun.

I talked to the GP and she was really nice. She thinks, and given my previous experiences of depression I'm inclined to agree, that I'm undergoing typical new-mum struggles rather than actual depression, but for the moment I'm to keep seeing her weekly (for episiotomy problems as well) and she will keep monitoring the situation. I've also written to the counsellor I was seeing during the pregnancy to ask about arranging more sessions; not sure how that will work with DD but hopefully counsellor will suggest something when she's able (she was having an operation at some point in August/September).

DH is going to be around a lot more between now and Christmas, with few if any evening meetings, so that should help too. What was really getting to me was having to be with DD 24/7; I've always struggled at times when I've not been able to have any time alone, but when DH can take her for even 20 minutes, I feel better. No chance of naps during the day though; she won't settle unless held and I can't relax enough to sleep with her on me.

Ali - would it help to get a sling/Babybjorn carrier or something like that, and take her for a walk (to the park/shops/coffee place etc.)? You both get some fresh air and to see some other people.

That's great to hear Ali, glad you have been to see someone and they have listened to you. I second the recommendation for a sling or carrier - while DD never liked it that much and never slept in it, it really saved my sanity between about 6-14w when she was in that phase of not wanting to be put down, it at least meant I could tidy up a little and make some food for myself. There are some great deals to be had getting a secondhand carrier through Ebay or Facebook.

DD was also like your baby and never wanted to sleep unless she was held. I found taking her for a walk worked really well - she slept in the pram for a good hour or so, and even though I wasn't 'relaxing' as such, it felt better to be outside in the fresh air with music or the radio on my headphones. It can get so claustrophobic being inside all day. Also, I found it a huge help to just accept 'defeat', so to speak, on her napping on me and I would just curl up in bed with a book and let her sleep. I've never read so much as I have now on maternity leave!

Oh, and also agree with WillSing that it is of course better to walk away for 5 minutes when you feel stressed or pushed to the limit. This is completely different from just leaving the baby to CIO. Its for everyone's best if you are that wound up. I've been there, and as long as the baby is safe in the cot or basket then just walk to the end of the garden where you can't hear them and give yourself a few minutes to calm down. Possibly eating some chocolate as well to keep your blood sugar up!

So cute...lol I had also experienced that,. we wont even separate before. I think its okey, your DS is afraid...so dont let your DS to cry it out. On my DD, she wont sleep before without a song,..I even put pillows around her so she will feel that mom is just beside her. Maybe you can try that. hope this helps! goodluck!