Too young to cry it out?

[Emmaonthehill]

Hi,
I'm mum to a 5 week old DB. Luckily our sleep in the night isn't too bad - he goes down straight after bath and bottle but during the day, he refuses to sleep. He will start to yawn and I take him to his room where I try to put him down but as soon as the head touches the sheet, he screams! Even if he has fallen asleep on me and I put him down, he wakes within a few minutes. I know 'crying it out' is suggested for much older babies but as soon as I lift him, he's fine and stops crying. I can't get anything done as I'm constantly lifting him! Is this something just to deal with or can I just leave him to cry? I'm confident hes not hungry or wet or anything else is obviously wrong, it just seems he has got me round his little finger and I'm scared he'll get into bad habits if we don't break them now! All suggestions welcome!

I'm sorry, I was having a bad night. I'm not going to do anything to hurt the baby or me, I just don't seem to know how to love her any more. DH is having to do all the loving while I just do what has to be done from duty. I can't talk to people in RL because the words just won't come out, but DH says he will talk to the GP for me as I'm seeing her on Friday about something else - or maybe to the health visitor tomorrow. I know I am a bad mother but I am at least trying to look after her.

aliphil, you're not a bad mother, you just sound like a depressed mother who needs a bit of help.

Many, many of us have been there before and I felt similar to you a few months ago and it passed. For a long time I just thought: I don't get it! What on earth have I done? Then one day I got it and it's been brilliant ever since.

It's a myth that all mothers instantly bond with their babies as soon as they pop out, don't be too hard on yourself and give yourself some time. x

Aliphil, you are not a bad mother, you are struggling, and there is no shame in that. Ask for help, or get your dh to do it for you (he sounds very supportive), there is help out there and it will get better. Honestly.

Oh, Aliphil, you're not a bad mother. This happens to so, so many mothers, it is such a difficult time - you are tired, overwhelmed, struggling with bf. Do try and get some support, even if you have to write down how you feel and hand it to the HV or GP to read rather than talk to them. How you are feeling is completely understandable and far more normal than people admit. Nothing is more stressful or upsetting than feeling as though your baby is 'kicking and screaming' every time you hold it. Its not you, your little baby just doesn't know what he wants or how to get it, it is confusing for them too and he loves you more than anything. Have you had him checked for reflux, just in case that is the problem?

Good luck at the gps allphill I'm sure you will feel better when you get the support you need.

blimey, bad habits like wanting to be loved by his mum!!

Get a sling, and enjoy your baby. without worrying about habits. The only thing that will wreck your child's life, is if you act against your loving instincts to care, and please your baby.

I wouldn't let an adult cry it out!!! let alone a small baby

cloudhands - its natural to worry about creating 'bad habits' when you have a baby, worrying is part of being a mum! The OP isnt not caring for her baby, she is just new to all this and wondering what to do - which is why she posted.

Its easy to forget what a confusing time those first weeks are and that you get lots of conflicting advice about leaving them etc.....

but yes..cuddle up ad enjoy it . get all those relatives who are offering the advice to make you tea and run around while you relax !

Ali, I hope you're managing better today? Yes, it's tough when they are newborns, and they want you all the time, and sometimes they kick and squirm when you are holding them (because they sense that you are tense and anxious and they pick up on this, believe it or not). You are not alone, some of us have been there and done that... I had to have DH take a turn at looking after both of mine for short periods during the day as I found it to be overwhelming.

Well done at having the courage to post your honest feelings about your baby, please please also get professional help from a HV or a GP though. I echo what overs have said.

Thanks for all your posts. I'm a first time mum, feeling completely overwhelmed and like Ali, wondering why I don't feel that instant all consuming love for a screaming baby! Some of the comments although well meaning, read quite harshly. I only asked a question and feel like a naughty school girl! Hey hi, I'm well informed now though

Ali and Emma, don't worry about some of the more heavy handed responses - its an issue that a lot of posters on MN feel very strongly about. But I was also not enjoying many cuddles when my ds was that age. He was constantly shrieking and flailing and scratching me. I had post traumatic stress from the birth so felt very anxious plus he is a very strong willed active person, one of those babies who didn't enjoy being a baby. He's much happier as a toddler and we do enjoy each other a lot now (and I can occasioanlly get things done!).

I got some great support through my gp, tell them you feel you are not coping and they will do a questionaire to assess whether you are depressed. I also go to a parents support group for people who have various issues, its very reassuring to have friends who are also finding parenthood a bit of a rollercoaster as well. Take care.

The all consuming love can sometimes take a while. I felt utterly and completely overwhelmed and responsible as soon as he was put in my arms, but the heart burting love that people talk about took a little while, and it grew a little bit each day. Has your LO started smiling yet? I often feel like they push us to almost breaking point, and then they do something like learn to smile and you just melt and it's all brilliant again.

Sorry if I just made anyone throw up in their mouths.

Mine does smile, but at the moment that's not helping. I did love her, or thought I did, and then last night it was as if something snapped in my head and I suddenly didn't. I wish I could again.

It doesn't seem fair that DH seems able to love her so easily.

I know it doesn't seem fair, Ali. But your DH hasn't been through as much as you over the past few weeks - pregnancy, the birth, breast-feeding, the hormones going crazy. I am sure he is doing his absolute best but in these early days it can be easier for the dad.

When DD was about three or four weeks old I was trying to settle her for the night and she kept waking up as soon as I put her in the basket. I was exhausted, emotional and starving hungry, and I actually knew that if I didn't walk away from her then I might end up snapping, not in a truly bad way, but in enough of a way that I might have put her down very forcefully etc.

It is a very, very good thing that you can recognise what happened in your head last night. Your DH sounds incredibly supportive. Please try and talk, or write, honestly to your GP on Friday. It is so common for new mums to feel like this and there is plenty of help and support out there for you. Before that, is there a chance you could have a few hours to yourself tomorrow? Go and get a haircut, sit in a cafe and read a book?

aliphil Please talk to your GP about this, and try not to be too hard on yourself. Having a baby is a huge, life changing thing, and they are there to help support you.

aliphil I hear you, I really do. For months, I was so upset as I just didn't seem to "get" motherhood and just one look at DH and I could see that he was totally in love with our DD and I just wasn't. Trust me, things will change!

Starlight this is not a troll thread, read the rest of the thread for some perspective!

OP, I've just thought: has anyone taught you how to swaddle your baby? A lovely, older midwife showed us how to wrap up DS so that he was nice and snug, and it definitely helped him settle when he was very little

ali I felt the same, falling for him the first week and then it disappeared. I t was also comparing myself to dh's reaction that I knew something was not right. Tell your hv or gp.

You know what I did, I coslept, let her sleep on me, cuddled her when she needed it. These weeks pass fast and soon she will be able to be left in a swing or under a baby gym.

I have never understood the "spoiling them" thing. How can you spoil a tiny baby with love?

CIO would probably make you feel worse could you honestly listen to your tiny baby screaming for you for hours then realising there is no point in crying anymore as no one is going to come to her? Or do as someone I know did and strap them in their buggy, stick them in the utility room, close the door and go to bed with an IPod on!

You sound very overwhelmed just now, try to get out every day, the pram or car is like magic for a crying baby, just getting an hours walk go for a coffee, dad the paper whilst they nap in the pram. Would also second getting a sling, DH called ours the magic sling as the minute they were in it they would fall asleep. Once your DH comes in, hand him the baby and go for a bath, get away for a wee while, even just go out to the supermarket for half an hour.

You will get through this and you will look back and laugh like we all do.

at the utility room story

Having a new born is more full on than you can ever have imagined it would be or could be. I found my first DS never slept day or night and it was exhausting and I got very stressed trying to find the solution to getting him to sleep. With my second DS I just took it as it came and relaxed totally about the whole thing and have enjoyed the experience so much more. They are babies for such a short amount of time just try to chill out and leave your cleaning etc for when you have actually got the time for it. In a few months you will prob find you will have established more of a routine. My DS2 is now 9 months and still wakes twice at night, its just how it is with babies.

aliphil please please be honest with your GP about how you feel. They don't bat an eyelid, they hear women saying the same thing EVERY DAY, they don't think you're a bad mother (no-one does), and they know exactly what to do.
I do absolutely know what you and OP mean about wondering what you're missing in terms of all-consuming love, etc. etc. - I didn't have PND but I did have a baby who didn't sleep and it's fucking grim. It is. Sitting there while the house falls into chaos around you, and a noble DH/DP who is free to simply love the baby without any of the bone-deep responsibility (at least that's how it felt at 3am). It all felt like a giant cod - motherhood. Please talk to someone in RL.

OP - Please don't feel like a naughty schoolgirl. All of this stuff is learning on the job. Just the other day I felt like a naughty schoolgirl for feeding my 7mo a piece of chicken at a family gathering - she gagged a bit and my aunt chastised me. I felt about 2 inches tall! You'll get support here so keep posting. I sense the dark hand of your DM or MIL on your shoulder wrt your comments about bad habits and wrapping around fingers - IGNORE THEM!

PS if your baby hates the sling on the first few goes, persevere, persevere, persevere...honestly it will save your sanity. Best of luck.