Broken hearted over my DS

[DistressedMumHELP]

Okay, i want help and reassurance really. I have name changed for this in case anyone recognises me. I was stopped and asked for an account of events yesterday after witnessing an altercation and the police officer noticed the bruise on my little boys cheek. Which i explained was where he had fallen in between the step and bench in my garden, they then noticed he has bruises on his legs around his knees, so eventually they arrested me on suspicion of ABH. I was of course a mess, but i was told at the time that it was procedure etc, so i was compliant with them, Last night i got released on police bail and was of course expecting my little boy back, but today after seeing social services they have said i cant have him returned to me. I am heart broken, i have never hurt my child on purpose, and i look after him as best as possible. Originally they were saying he didnt talk, but today in front of the social worker he was talking, and i am trying to explain that he gets shy about talking, when they say he is friendly etc. They went through all my history and i have been as open as possible with them, and i dont know what to do. They want to keep him in care and are applying for a court order on friday to do so. I plan on seeing a solicitor tomorrow, the only reason i didnt today was because i didnt leave the social services until half 5 so no where was open.

I NEED A HUG. I PROMISE I WOULD NEVER HURT HIM AND FEEL THAT JUST A FEW BRUISES HAVE TAKEN MY SON FROM ME.

I want him home. Does anyone have any experiences? How long will it take? They said they couldnt say,

sorry for the repeat posts.

ofgs. what you want is not what your ds needs. you are not the put upon heori ne of some drama. at this moment in time you are the bad mother. who allows your child to be hurt because you are so wrapped up i yourself you didnt notice he was being abused. if that is the real story. i am finding yiur relentless self absorbation wearisome. what kind of routine did you have? ehat playgroups did he attend? when did he nap? when did ge gi to bed? who cared for him when you went out in dates? what time did you get home? how did you pay your babysitter?

I don't understand.
None of this makes sense. Op you Said you moved near your mum for support, Yet you haveht told her any of This???!!
Are you sure your sister is abusive as her comments to you seem just?

I also dont see how social services could have just left you floundering with no info.have you not listened/ paid attention/ heard what they have said. Or are you just not telling us the whole story?

I'm worried if you aren't understanding what they are telling you, that you need an advocate. Please don't Take offence, but do you have any learning difficulties? Might these be adding to your inability to understand whats going on here?

He didnt go to play groups. I have two close friends who looked after him when i went out, one who has two of their own and the other a ofsted registered nanny.
He had a good routine, up at 8.30ish of a morning, no later than 9, breakfast, play for a little while, bath, out to either meet a friend or park, lunch time at 1- 1.30 depending on how much he had eaten in the morning to how hungry he would be. Nap from 2 to 3, then go get some food etc in, do some reading to him oven went on for dinner at 6 o clock, depending on what i was cooking dinner was between 6.30 and 6.45, eat dinner, get in PJ's, cuddle, and into bed at 8.

My baby sitters were friend doing favours in exchange for what ever favour they needed, and honestly so long as he was well cared for and i had already put him to bed what did it matter what time i returned home at?

I want to point out that I DIDNT ABUSE MY CHILD, though i do admit i failed to protect him and i want to make sure that it will never happen again.

And seeing as the bruises were fresh

You need an advocate. You need someone to go with you for these meetings and support you. This is very important. Ask the social worker to refer you to an advocacy service.

And, you need to tell your mum. Regardless of what stress she has, how do you think it would make her feel if it doesn't go the right way for you and her grandchild? She might be able to help you. But she can't if she doesn't know. Apart from not telling her will make you look immature and appear that you are not facing up to things, your mum might play an important role in the future with helping you parent your child. Sometimes that can tip the balance.

This is very very serious and I don't know if you really understand the extent of it. You need your family there, being vocal to the right people and saying they will do whatever it takes to help you parent your child.

Please take on board these facts before its too late for you.

Bruises from adult bites are never acceptable, no matter how fresh they are.

How did the one with two of her own look after yours on an evening? Didnt she need to be in for hers?

And If you were possibly still drunk/ very hungover, then yes, it does matter what Time you got in.

And did you really go to the park daily?! Really? Honestly? Because unless you admit the truth of the situation, you wont be able to move forward. Nothing will change if you keep covering stuff up.

how harsh do we need to be before you wake up? clearly your child was not well cared for. he was assaulted. while in your care. does that not horrify you? why is that not your responsibility? if you want to be a little girl who needs parenting then fine. get all the help you need. if you want to be a mum, giving birth is not good enough. at 2 i knew my ds's body as well as my own. bathtime. nappy change. i was aware of him. there is no way in hell i could have bathed him each morning and not have noticed every mark.

I almost want to cry. It is so painfully obvious that you don't understand what is happening here

You realise that medium term (from my understanding, googling, etc.) is up to 1 year or even 18 months? Do you realise that if your DS is in care for that long, he will have spent half his life in care??

This is not a small problem.

I've seen people whose children were removed. Social services had worked with the family for a long period of time, and then one day, there was an incident that acted as the 'cherry on the cake' and the children were removed. It speaks volumes to me that you didn't have any SS involvement prior to this incident and SS removed your child straight away.

I don't think any of us are trying to be harsh with you, but you seem to be sleepwalking into this, and don't seem to realise even now, how severe the issue must be for Social Services to take your DS straight away.

You still seem to think that this is about you. About your pain, your suffering. It really isn't. You are an adult now. You come second to your DS. If you have pain and anguish, that needs to be resolved away from your DS.

Frankly, given that you said your Mum was a support factor (the reason for your move) the fact that you haven't even told her is not going to look good to Social Services, I think. If you won't even try to get support from your mother at a time like this, then Social Services won't be confident you have any network around you. You talk about 'friends who have kids' as if that's a real character reference. All it means is that they were able to carry a child and give birth. It doesn't show how they'll support you.

What are you expecting from CAFCASS op? You do know, if they get involved with your case, they will purely only be interested in what is best for your son, they have absolutely no interest in you unless it is to verify you can provide a better option than foster care/adoption at this current moment in time. I used to work for them, they have very close links with social services, police and judges, so you best tread carefully with them. The children's guardians I knew had daily contact with the family court judges, they are very influential, and not necessarily in a way that will benefit you OP if you see what I mean.

CAFCASS can be influential in a good way too though, but only if they see potential in you, and if they do, then you do everything they want you to do, no deviation. But their job is to assess on behalf of the child, and ultimately what is best for him/her.

Were your two "good friends" who babysat your ds male or female and were you in a sexual relationship with either of them? How long had you known them Sorry for asking but I still don't think you're being honest with us (or yourself).

You admit you didn't do enough to protect your ds but can you identify the exact ways in which you put him at risk? The precise changes you would need to make in order to keep him safe in future?

I wholeheartedly agree with the suggestions of using an advocacy service and also telling your mum. You are doing yourself no favours by trying to deal with this alone.

I have to agree. I was quite shocked that you nominated 'a good male friend' as the person you'd like to take custody of your child. What made you think this man its suitable to care for your DS long term? Does he have any track record with raising children? Don't get me wrong, none of us do when we first parent, but your DS isn't a demo model to be tried out.

Also, bearing in mind, you thought the man you let live in your house for 10 days, who got you into a knife attack, possibly abused your son, and who had a string of convictions under his belt, was a good friend.

So, if your judgement is that out, then your ' good friend' doesn't mean much....

I should add that when I was diagnosed with post natal depression I begged for help. Social services were involved. I had 1 visit despite their knowledge my ex was emotionally abusive and according to records a strong suspicion there was also physical abuse. But "he seemed supportive" those who don't know won't know that three days after I was diagnosed with post natal depression I took an overdose of Sleeping tablets and diazepam. I couldn't cope. I told them at the time that I felt like I hated my son and that either him or me would be better off dead, cos I wasn't good enough as a mum. I begged for help. I ended up in a psychiatric unit for 3 days. I am not proud of this at all, but I did ask for help over a year and a half ago but got none. They are of course using this against me.

I won't be back for a while now. Mainly cos I am ashamed of what I just wrote

Lougle, are you a child protection professional?
Even if you are, please stop speculating about what will, in your opinion (and that of google - great source there) probably happen. As you can see, the OP is very impressionable. I don't think it is a good idea for strangers on the internet to make confident pronouncements about what is going on here, and / or what the outcomes are likely to be, for all sorts of reasons (including that the OP may become defeatist)

Please can we confine ourselves to suggesting constructive steps for DistressedMum to take instead of mouthing off about "probable" (in our opinion) outcomes.

DistressedMum, sorry to hear about what you have been through. I hope you are in a better place now and ready to take steps to be in an even better place.

I'm sorry that happened.
Well done for admitting that.

Social services were involved, what happened then when you got discharged from hospital? There must have been something? More doctors appts? Community care? Support from social services... And if there wasn't, I'd be asking why not.

Have social services in fact, been involved since then? Have you been seeing them? ( at the beginning you Said you already had a social worker and that they approved your house)

Have they been working with you to help, but after the knife/ bite incident they took ds as the risk got too high.

I had an emergency social worker check the place while I was being interviewed.
I had a psychiatric assessment in the psychiatric unit but that was before the overdose and where I was diagnosed with PND.

One visit by a psychiatrist at my best friends place, tablets to take, then health visitor, but always in front of my Ex who told me I'd lose DS if I told them the truth so to say I was doing really well etc.
When I got discharged my ex wouldn't pick me up so a social worker took me home and they noted that my ex seemed abusive and they wasn't comfortable leaving me there.

And then what happened?

IF, and this is a big if ( bearing in mind you don't always tell the truth) social services Didnt support you at that Time, having just come out of hospital, then telling you your home wasnt safe?

It doesn't mske sense, they must have continued to see you. Is this true?

Why is this everyone's fault but yours?
Yes you asked for help and yes you were failed to an extent but you have also made some pretty shit decisions.

You appear to be quite naive and child-like. But you are a mother now and so you need to grow up fast. There are a lot of evil people out there - A LOT. I suspect you will tell me that you know this, yet you entrust your only child to these people?

I don't care how long you have known them, I don't care if they have other children, you are obviously not that good a judge of character are you?

Your ex is a woman beater. Your friend is also a woman beater and a criminal and you have friends who have hurt your child.

At this moment in time I would ditch the lot of them and start again.

You need counselling to find out why you seem to be attracted to violent people. You need to start helping yourself and not wait for that help to come to you. Go back to your GP and ask to be put on the priority list for counselling.

Social workers need to see you starting to take some of the blame for what has happened. They need to see an understanding of what has happened. They are not seeing that. They are seeing someone who thinks that nothing is her fault. They are seeing someone who is far too trusting, who is a shit judge of character, who is very naive and who possibly needs parenting herself. So long as you remain like that, you will not get your son back.

You need a bloody good overhaul of your life.

Start taking responsibility. Accept what has happened and accept the blame that the decisions you made, led to your son being hurt.

Open your eyes to what is happening and what has already happened. You need to turn your life around and you need to start with your past and unravel it all from there.

Vezzie - the OP knows (or should know) that we are trying to help her to see that she can't fix this situation with promises to do x, y, z.

No, I'm not a child protection professional, nor have I ever claimed to be one. However, it doesn't take one to see that the OP is so very much in need of support, and that doesn't mean a pat on the head and an 'I hope you're in a better place now' because it's very clear that she isn't.

She's been cut loose to try and work out for herslef what she's done and how she's going to change it, when it's blindingly obvious she hasn't got a clue. She doesn't even realise fully why they've taken her son away, because she doesn't have the insight. Read the thread. Read it, and see that the thread swings like a great big pendulum. No direction, no acceptance of what needs to change.

You can pat DistressedMum on the head and say 'there there'. I'll continue to support by helping her to face reality. If DistressedMum doesn't want my contribution to the thread, she can ask me to step away, and I will. The facts won't change, regardless.

DistressedMum - I hope you know that we are trying to help you when we may seem so harsh, because the only way you will get your DS back is if you can face not only what may have led to your poor judgement, but also the extent of it, and the seriousness of it, to the point where you can make the changes in your thinking and behaviour to safeguard him adequately.

I agree Vezzie. Its not fair on the op to predict the outcome of this. I am a social worker and I wouldn't like to speculate what the final outcome would be, without actually meeting the op and being present at those meetings.

Who has predicted the outcome? Be serious, Noqontrol - are you saying that from the OP's explanations on this thread, if nothing changes, you would expect Social Services to say 'oops....got this wrong, we shouldn't have the care order'?

No-one here is saying that the OP can't turn this around. They are saying that unless she wakes up and smells the roses, she won't be able to make the changes necessary to turn it around.

Noqontrol, to help the OP, could you give her a brief summary of what you, as a social worker, would expect from her right now? What does she need to be doing? How does she get to that place where she starts to gain insight into her life so far? She can't get there by herself so where does she start? What steps would you like to see her take?

Practical advice at this stage might help, esp coming from a social worker who knows how the system works, what help is available and how to get it.

That would be very helpful.

I don't understand why this hasn't happened already.