Broken hearted over my DS

[DistressedMumHELP]

Okay, i want help and reassurance really. I have name changed for this in case anyone recognises me. I was stopped and asked for an account of events yesterday after witnessing an altercation and the police officer noticed the bruise on my little boys cheek. Which i explained was where he had fallen in between the step and bench in my garden, they then noticed he has bruises on his legs around his knees, so eventually they arrested me on suspicion of ABH. I was of course a mess, but i was told at the time that it was procedure etc, so i was compliant with them, Last night i got released on police bail and was of course expecting my little boy back, but today after seeing social services they have said i cant have him returned to me. I am heart broken, i have never hurt my child on purpose, and i look after him as best as possible. Originally they were saying he didnt talk, but today in front of the social worker he was talking, and i am trying to explain that he gets shy about talking, when they say he is friendly etc. They went through all my history and i have been as open as possible with them, and i dont know what to do. They want to keep him in care and are applying for a court order on friday to do so. I plan on seeing a solicitor tomorrow, the only reason i didnt today was because i didnt leave the social services until half 5 so no where was open.

I NEED A HUG. I PROMISE I WOULD NEVER HURT HIM AND FEEL THAT JUST A FEW BRUISES HAVE TAKEN MY SON FROM ME.

I want him home. Does anyone have any experiences? How long will it take? They said they couldnt say,

See, This all shows how Chaotic your thinking is, one momment you are convinced doing a law degree ( have you even got the qualifications to do so, let alone the time and money) is the best plan, the next momment you say maybe not.

You cant seem to come up with and stick to a realistic plan.

How are social services helping you right now, whats happening with your housing, whats the next step for you?

Its things like that you need to be thinking and working on, not unrealistic dreams.

I'd quite like to do Lots of things, I have the qualifications to do so. At the momment, I can't. Im a lone parent. So, I work part time in a job that pays the bills but Doesnt thrill me, so I can afford to live And parent my child. Because, right now, she is more important. You don't seem to be grasping this concept, even after all this has happened. It's really sad :(

I have sorted my housing I spoke to my social worker on Wednesday and that won't be a problem until the court makes a decision. I am doing the freedom programme online and have asked my social worker for a referral, but honestly they haven't really helped, though she has been on a course this week.

My realistic plan is to get myself emotionally and mentally well so that I am stable and able to be a mum that DS can be proud of.

Ok. And can you see how a demanding law degree isn't the best option?

Because, unless you can understand this, you aren't going to get far.

It seems you are still doing that thing where you just repeat what someone says.

Try having a think about the way you want to do things, what you would Like your life with your littke boy to be like, both short and long term, then work out how you can go about getting it.

I want my little boy to have everything, i am not talking material possessions, i am talking love, attention, fun, laughter, not the latest games console I want him to have a mummy he can be proud of, to know that mummy always does her best for him and yes, of course i am going to make mistakes, every parent does, but can only make what seems to be the right decision at the time.

A demanding law degree is going to take too much time and concentration, i need to concentrate on getting me well again, so that i can give my little boy everything, so that my mind isnt all over the place, and i am not getting flash backs. So that i can cope

I know my long term plan. first of all right now, i think i should take each day as it comes?

Tomorrow, contact,
Benefits.
Freedom Programme
Phone social worker
Phone a number that i found for a psychologist.

That will probably be about it.

BUT WITHIN THAT the following should then be sorted:

Housing- my benefit should continue as normal
freedom programme- another step to understanding what hapened
Social worker- find out if they can chase my counselling, and if she has referred me for the face to face freedom course.
Phone the number for a psychologist- take the first step to understanding my thought process.

It doesnt sound a lot, but slow and steady wins the race right?

OP, did you say you were being assessed for MH issues? If this is correct then I assume that the outcome of the assessment will lead to further help. You sound to be drifting, doing whatever is suggested off your own back without any guidance or support from anyone in authority. Who is helping you? Who is supporting you in real life?

No one really, just a really good friend who has been around and someone's mum. I have already read some of the stuff from social services and they will be asking for a psychiatric assessment so best do it now and get it over with.
I am trying to do whats right, and i have finally admitted to not having been coping, i have been trying to bottle my past up, but it hasn't worked and it has led to me making bad judgements and my little boy suffering as a result. I know i can never change that, but i can try to put it right, and hopefully cos he is so young he wont remember it when he gets older.

I have asked three times to be referred for counselling and the freedom programme to my social worker but still nothing, and the doctor has referred me to mental health, but nothing back from them yet, though that is still early days.

I am trying but it seems to be taking a long time, and i dont have the support necessary realistically.

I havent spoken to my mum, and i dont talk to my sister any more since she messaged me saying that "you are a terrible mother, and your son is uncontrollable, mum wont have time to see you any more" NICE MESSAGE. I replied with fuck the fuck off not a very nice message, but considering i dont think it was that bad.
Right now at some of my appointments i could really use some hand holding TBH.

Have social services given you any indication of their intentions regarding your DS? Have they told me that they hope to return him to you when you are well, or are they suggesting long-term care/adoption?

It's hard to put this delicately, but do you think that your thinking is as chaotic in person as it is online? Are you able to concentrate on what the SW, etc., are telling you? Or do you feel that you often have to explain how what you are telling them is relevant to your DS and his care?

Social services havent really spoken to me to be honest. I ask all the questions. They havent said their intentions but in the documents it says i am unable to care for him i the short to medium term, which suggests they plan on returning to me at some point and that i have "potential" I can only go by the documents that i have.

This is what is what I am finding puzzling, that no one in authority is really talking to you, pointing you in the right direction. All the things you have on your 'to do' list are what you have picked up from this thread or PM's. From what you say, no one is guiding you or telling you what they expect of you.

And, I am sorry to sound harsh but a lot of people have abusive backgrounds but are wonderful parents. Your abusive past isn't entirely responsible for the situation you are in right now, and seeing counsellors or talking about it won't necessarily make you a first class parent. Recovering from an abusive past isn't something that is simply cured the minute you talk about it, it can take a very long time. What you need right now, imo, is clear indication from social services as to what they expect from you, in order to get your son home as soon as possible. Parenting classes aren't on your most recent list, I notice. I'm not getting at you OP, but I do think you should be speaking to the social worker so you can form a plan which is more according to their requirements of you rather than what you think is required of you, iyswim?

I think you are right. My most recent list is tomorrow's to do list. My bad judgements are to do with my judgement but I need to change that. When I ask they tell me that it will be decided at the hearing on 25th.

I thought they were supposed to help? Or am I wrong?

I know my past is going to take a long time to deal with, and I know it won't make me a good parent, but it will hopefully change the way I sew things and perceive things. And my judgements to become clearer, so that my DS is never put at risk of harm again.

I don't know OP. Maybe they will give you a plan of action on the 25th? I'm not sure how these things work.

Your list for tomorrow is good, in that you do need to ring benefits before you get into trouble and have to pay money back, so it's good you are getting that sorted. When you talk to the social worker, why don't you ask her if she recommends you going on any courses before the meeting on the 25th, or if at the meeting there will be recommendations made for such things? Have you managed to find a parenting course?

I haven't found a parenting course. I asked my social worker and she said she'd look into it. I think I need to phone her tomorrow. 25th is court and what they order to be done. It's a case management hearing. It is completely foreign to me. I am waiting for a children's charity to get back to me who know the system. Which I was recommended, and went to on Thursday. Help me negotiate the care proceedings so I know what's happening

When you speak to your social worker tomorrow ask her if she can put you in touch with an advocacy service, because I really think you need some support here.

I think you are right. I have no idea. I now have a solicitor. Had to change cos of a conflict of interest (they previously represented the ex) and she hasn't got my papers yet. Grrr.

I honestly don't think they are intending you to care for your DS

It almost feels like I am obsolete. Not required. I am hoping the 25th makes it clearer. I hope to hear from CAFCASS this week as well cos the person I had been assigned went on holiday for two weeks. Maybe they will help more

Not obsolete. but not able to care for ds in the short to medium term. their job is the protection of ds ad i would think quite reasonably that you cannot have matured or changed so dramatically in such a short time. your job should be to find out exactly what they need to see you do in the short and medium term to be judged fit to care for him again. they need to see that you fundementally understand that ds is the victim here, not you. dealing with your personal issues will take time. and you can do it. but playing the victim of abuse role might gain you sympathy but not residency. yes you need an advocate now. otherwise you will keep bumping around like a loose cannon. remember. ds must be your priority. at all times. the way you speak about him still places you at the centre of your drama. no child needs to feel proud of their parent. in an ideal world ds wont give two hoots about you. he will take it utterly for granted that you are there caring for him well.

That is the hardest thing. Your DS isn't there to love you, to make you feel good, to show the world you are a good Mum. He is there to be cared for and nurtured until he can care for himself.

Does your Mum even know you have had your DS removed? Previous posts don't make it clear.

I havent told my mum anything. I know i should, but she has enough stress, so i have chosen to sorta leave it for a while. She didnt know when i was ill in hospital either, in fact in times of crisis i dont tell my mum until after.

I just want my little boy to know that he is loved, and can tell me anything and everything, that mummy will always be here, so that when things do go wrong he can come running home and tell me

sigh. you just dont get it. dump the romantic fantasies. realise you boy will be adopted outrather than returned to you if you keep on denying your part in his abuse.

sigh. you just dont get it. dump the romantic fantasies. realise you boy will be adopted outrather than returned to you if you keep on denying your part in his abuse.

A basic parenting course you can do at any Surestart centre: There must be one near you. If you do this off your own bat it will really demonstrate that you are committed to making changes.
Getting counselling/ MH referral also good.
The social worker is DS's SW not yours. If they don't think your interests and his co-incide they may not give you much help. They would be more helpful I think if he was still in your care but I really wouldn't be assuming that they or indeed CAFCASS are on 'your side'. They will act in DS best interest and you need to convince them that you can too.
Your solicitor should be explaining to you what the process is but they are not going to give you emotional/ practical support. You do seem very isolated IRL.
I believe it is possible to get an advocate to help you with all this certainly in some areas. Maybe Family Rights Group can help?

sigh. you just dont get it. dump the romantic fantasies. realise you boy will be adopted outrather than returned to you if you keep on denying your part in his abuse.

sigh. you just dont get it. dump the romantic fantasies. realise you boy will be adopted outrather than returned to you if you keep on denying your part in his abuse.

sigh. you just dont get it. dump the romantic fantasies. realise you boy will be adopted outrather than returned to you if you keep on denying your part in his abuse.