Broken hearted over my DS

[DistressedMumHELP]

Okay, i want help and reassurance really. I have name changed for this in case anyone recognises me. I was stopped and asked for an account of events yesterday after witnessing an altercation and the police officer noticed the bruise on my little boys cheek. Which i explained was where he had fallen in between the step and bench in my garden, they then noticed he has bruises on his legs around his knees, so eventually they arrested me on suspicion of ABH. I was of course a mess, but i was told at the time that it was procedure etc, so i was compliant with them, Last night i got released on police bail and was of course expecting my little boy back, but today after seeing social services they have said i cant have him returned to me. I am heart broken, i have never hurt my child on purpose, and i look after him as best as possible. Originally they were saying he didnt talk, but today in front of the social worker he was talking, and i am trying to explain that he gets shy about talking, when they say he is friendly etc. They went through all my history and i have been as open as possible with them, and i dont know what to do. They want to keep him in care and are applying for a court order on friday to do so. I plan on seeing a solicitor tomorrow, the only reason i didnt today was because i didnt leave the social services until half 5 so no where was open.

I NEED A HUG. I PROMISE I WOULD NEVER HURT HIM AND FEEL THAT JUST A FEW BRUISES HAVE TAKEN MY SON FROM ME.

I want him home. Does anyone have any experiences? How long will it take? They said they couldnt say,

My stomach is my ovaries that are wrong, on my last scan it looked as if my right one had split into two and there was fluid on the left one. I was supposed to have a camera in my stomach but fell pregnant with my DS. I will definitely nor give up on college, but maybe waiting for next enrollment is for the best, its going to be chaotic as it is, and maybe i cant concentrate on it right now so i wouldnt be doing it justice really.

this sort of thinking is why your life is chaotic.. you need structure and purpose. what do you do all day? contact with ds. stop making excuses. putting things off that could be good is not the rightway to go. go and enrol on a course in the evening. two hours once a week is very doable. to not make that effort suggests you are still hooked on the drama of chaos and instability. so you have health issues? not an excuse. time to stop this behaviour now.

Totally agree Madame.

OP, ultimately this just isn't about you and tragedies you've survived. It's about your little boy. And what he has endured.

I'm sorry you were put in this situation. Have been thinking about you, Distressed Mum. Have there been any developments? perhaps the whole situation is a bit clearer for you now? I hope so.

Hi DistressedMum, how are things? I hope you are getting a good relationship with your DS's foster carer. Did you get advice on who you need to inform about his care order, and how it will affect your benefits? Paperwork turns slowly, so you really need to sort that out as soon as possible, so that you don't get even more trouble.

I do agree with MadameDeforge, you need to do something. I don't think that given your recent history, it's unreasonable to think of reasons why now is not the right time to do stuff. Taking the plunge is scary. But if you can push yourself, then it's a good thing. If you find the paperwork side of things difficult, you can perhaps ask your SW for support with that? Or there may even be some advocacy services available.

Regardless of whether your DS is returned to you, it will benefit him hugely to have a stable, secure mother, who has turned her life around.

I also agree with Madame, you need focus in your life, something to get up for, in all honesty what do you do all day?

Your reasoning that you are unable to due to your stomach tbh just sound like an excuse! Do you know that college and contact would clash, or is that just another excuse. Please be honest with yourself are you just making reason that are not there.

Surely having your son taken into care must be a massive wake up call for you, but has it actually changed anything. Look back to when he went to now, what has changed? Not what is going to change, but has actually changed?

I also agree with Madame, you need focus in your life, something to get up for, in all honesty what do you do all day?

Your reasoning that you are unable to due to your stomach tbh just sound like an excuse! Do you know that college and contact would clash, or is that just another excuse. Please be honest with yourself are you just making reason that are not there.

Surely having your son taken into care must be a massive wake up call for you, but has it actually changed anything. Look back to when he went to now, what has changed? Not what is going to change, but has actually changed?

I am focusing on getting my mental health better, i have got myself refered to counselling, contacted a children's charity who can help, to get the the contact centre is a 4 hour round trip by public transport.

And tonight i sorted out with the open university for them to phone me on monday in order to start my law degree in february but funding needs to be sorted, so thats why i have a call back, its too late to enrol for october. My stomach needs fixing. I am getting quite a lot sorted. I am back and forth to solicitors not just regards of child protection but in regards to a divorce and possibly the need to get an injunction against my ex when he finds out. I have enrolled on the freedom programme online, and am waiting to be able to do it face to face. Which will make things better. I know i will need to do parenting classes, so honestly. I also went to a children's charity today, they might seem like small steps but they are steps.

I have had a massive wake up call. I am getting my mental and emotional health sorted over the next 5 months and then starting on my course so that i am actually healthy and can concentrate on it. I think this is sensible rather than just diving in doing everything and it all being too much.

I plan on getting myself sorted out. I know it wont be easy, no one said it would be but the following is what i will be doing:

1. Contact.
2. Counselling
3. Other health issues
4. Psychotherapy
5. Freedom programme
6. Attending a children's charity.
7. Court dates
8. Solicitors appointments.
9. Parenting classes

I would hardly say i am not doing anything. Just right now emotionally with a counsellor i am going to have to go through everything i went through, in order t o understand my thought process and why i make the bad decisions. I have been told i might feel quite depressed after a session for a day or two as well, it will bring back the memories and possibly the nightmares too, before people judge what i should or shouldnt be doing, i think they should look at what I AM ALREADY DOING to get sorted, rather than all the other things i could also do, BABY STEPS is what i was told.

What has changed?
I have gone to the childrens charity admitted i needed help, getting myself on the freedom programme, going to the doctors and being referred to mental health services. I cant say its all going to happen over night ITS NOT, its going to take time to sort out, BUT I AM TRYING. Taking those steps are hard. Over the last two weeks i have admitted to things that i hadnt even acknowledged had happened that i had tried to hide and carry on. I have admitted to have an unhealthy relationship with food, to being in an abusive relationship mentally, physically, emotionally and sexually. And as a result my head is a bit of a mess because only now when i look back do i realise that it was also sexually abusive, so before people tell me i am not doing enough please dont tell me that, until you know the issues i am dealing with. It keeps coming back to me and i keep ending up in tears as a result. It hurts.

thank you for updating us. but...you must see howwe are trying to be supportive ...but not in a way that only validates your sense of being a victim. its a hard mindset i know. but as you reel of that list my heart sinks. for every positive outcome there is potential for more chaos and failure. forward planning self sabotage. trying to sort you, your past and your future in a few short months is going to lead to somewthing not going your way. so yes. baby steps. you dont need to put yourself under the pressure of an ou course by jan ans have funding stresses. why not be gentle with yourself and just do an evening course that you enjoy? building a happier mum for ds? and tbh is sounds bonkers that you say you cant do that but for some reason think an ou course will be an easier ride. my point is....too many plates spinning in the air...creating more uncertainty, more chaos, more failure. dont sabotage yourself. but also dont imagine we will not see through you also. just dont take us for patsies. we can only do what a true friend would want to do. support but not blindly. remember many of us have been through terrible times also. and you are not the only victim.

I can only go by the things you post on here, I don't recognise you as I don't post enough, you have done a lot and you should be proud of yourself, the most important thing is to keep the momentum going.

The reason I ask what you go during the day is because often I'd you have nothing going on there is a tendency to get up late, watch tv and go up bed late which messes with you whole well being

Are you managing to make some kind if routine for yourself?

I know it's completely different but similar if that makes sense but I've suffered from depression and exercise and fresh air really helped me to recover

you need to prioritise. if you have all these health issues and need to deal with sols etc. use your social worker to help you draw up an achievable plan of action to improve your immediate situation. childrens services rent going to give a monkeys about some half baked fantasy about working in law...nor the fact you are flinging yourself everywhich way. ask them what they want to see you achieve short term then longer term and agree a measurable plan of action with them. be guided by what they specify they need to see from you. sorting yourself out is a process that continues all our lives. agree a plan. stick to it. those are your challenges.

At the bottom of your list is parenting classes, your local children's centre will run some type ofe parenting course. You will gain a lot from doing one of these courses. They are often start in September so if your quick you could get on one now, tbh if they had started already, you would only have missed a week and if you explain your situation they will let you join.

DistressedMum, it's so hard for you. I see that. You come on here, initially thinking that you've been the victim of police error. A whole raft of posters disagree and tell you that they were right to be worried. You realise (perhaps) that there are areas of your life that are chaotic, and your world is falling apart.

You are so desperate to get your DS back, and to prove that you are not the parent SS believe you to be, so you try to fit everything in, stuff that takes years. Then, the posters who told you that all this stuff was needed, tell you that you're being naive to think you can do it all. You must be so confused.

I think the brutal truth is that the naivity you are showing is what has tripped you up all along. Law is tough. Really tough. Lots of reading, lots of concentration, a clear mind, logical thinking and application of abstract rules to real life problems. Then, what are you going to do with it? The professional training element costs at least £10,000, self-funded unless you can get a training contract. Current statistics are around 1 in 400. That means for every 1 person who gets a training contract, there are 400 that will not. The training contracts are hard and demanding. You are hoping to get your DS returned to you, but law is a time-sink. Law firms expect 60 hours + routinely, and chaotic hours. If there's a deadline, the work gets done. Regardless. The pressure is huge.

You know what? I wish I'd been a lawyer. I wanted to be, and I know I'd be an excellent one. I'm not blowing my own trumpet. If I had £1 for every time complete strangers say to me 'you really should be a lawyer, you know' I'd be rich. But, I have 3 small children, one with SN, and I know that to succeed there, I'd have to fail at home.

That's not the case for everyone, but the evidence is that you've already struggled to provide your DS with the stability he needs without the strain of a demanding course such as law.

Then, there's the fact that you are currently bailed for ABH against your DS. If that charge progresses, then you will be rejected by the Law Society, straight away.

So, take a step back. Start small. Do an evening course that will get your mind ticking. Do something that will help you with your evidence that you are showing awareness of the situation that you are in. Because the honest truth is that you are seeming to be trying to stick a plaster over the situation.

Which is exactly why I'm not starting til February.

Sometimes it feels like I can't win, your not doing enough, your doing too much, I know the counselling will take a long long time. But the sooner I get the counselling and start working to get better the sooner I will feel better.

You are right for such a long time I have been shoving a plaster over my wounds and not dealing with them, someone told me on Wednesday "its time to stop fronting and tell it all" they are right, just there are so many issues and things to tell, where is it I start? At the beginning? The most painful? The least painful? At current? I am not good at talking I bottle things up and I know now I have to talk. But changing a habit that is so many years old takes time.

Some of the things that I need to talk about make me feel numb. But I suppose that's cos I am only just starting to admit to them.

I am trying to get myself sorted. It will take a long time BUT I can do it.

I believe you can do it. In time. Nobody should be written off at any stage.

BUT can you hear yourself as you type? "Which is exactly why I'm not starting til February."

DistressedMum, Social Services didn't just get interested in you and your DS. They didn't just want to get involved. They didn't just want to give him a child protection plan to ensure his safety. They felt that the situation was so serious that they needed to take your DS, there and then, and went to court to ensure that he stayed in their care (for now, at least).

Yet, you feel that in just 4 months you'll be ready to start a demanding course with a university. People weren't telling you to start getting a career! They were telling you to do something that will give you the structure and order you need to combat your currently chaotic lifestyle.

Can you not start with a short course, something that you will enjoy like pottery or photography something In the evening that you can enjoy and meet new people?

DM, I urge you to reconsider starting the course so soon. Please think about perhaps starting next Oct. I cannot stress enough how inappropriate I find your intent to start in Feb. It smacks of youthful naivety - I am sorry to say. I am genuinely impressed by your amibition and I wish you all the best with your studies - but seriously, listen to the people that are in the know, and have a think about having a think about referring...

All the best DM. All the best to you both.DDM

If february was to come and me not be ready i could still defer again til next october, i am doing things, i am hoping to go back to an old hobby, which is not only healthy but will keep a focus, keep me busy, gives the chance to get out of a weekend and it is also relaxing.

Evening courses, i will consider, maybe something like ICT, cos i love computers, and it does two things then, something i enjoy AND something useful?

That is good news that you can refer should you need to.

Horse riding will be lovely to get back into, but start with the parenting course, off your own back this will impress ss and any future judge at any Child Protection Conferences or cmcs. Consider this advice from a professional. I am a qualified solicitor who was the firm's child advocate at my last position. I am also a mother (a SAHM these days - though thinking of doing pro-bono child protection work next year at our local council). I am your child's voice to the child protection team and the judge's direct line to the child.

In my opinion you are trying to run before you can walk........
OU does 'first' courses that's enough in the situation you are in. I have been in a situation with my older son that involved social services and really focusing on your child and your mental health should be your priority at the moment.

Someone seems to make a tenative suggestion on here and you have it boxed off......a one hour course? I will do a law degree....... You do realise there is a time limit on the completion of law by the way........

I have been teaching all week and see the effects of selfish me-me- parenting and children do NOT need chaos and uncertainty......... and bullshit excuses for a piss poor attitude........

I know I sound harsh but what strikes me about you is that the donkey work is boring..........backed up with a plethora of excuses
As long as its exciting and attention based your alright....

Anyway enough..........I wish your son all the best

Do you think enrolling on law degree will help you get your ds back? I can't help feeling you've missed the point completely (sorry if that sounds harsh). Your ds hasn't been taken away from you because of your education / career choices. You need to start putting him at the heart of your plans.

I'm going to sound harsh here, I'm sorry.
But a law degree at this time is not the right thing for you. Sure, as a long term goal its great, but at the momment, having just had your child Taken off you, you need to concentrate on the two of you. Creating a safe, comforting and happy environment. Giving yourself the tools to be able to cope with life and parenting.
Again, without sounding to be mean, If you haveht been able to cope with life till This point, what makes you think you could cope with a law degree?

You need to start small.... Small steps, that add up to big changes.

Well done on what you have done so far, and I hope contact is going well.

OP, I doubt you will listen but here goes. You shouldn't waste your time, money and energy on any law course, let alone a degree. You will drop out within months if not weeks. You need to persevere with getting help for your problems from qualified professionals and not kid yourself into thinking you can help yourself by becoming qualified like them. Deep down, do you want your son? Because it sounds to me like you are merely attention seeking by applying for this course. Stop trying to prove you are right and admit you need to be shown the way.

It must be so confusing. I have to say that the way you are presenting your decisions is very much in a 'new lease of life' tone, as you'd expect from someone who has retired, or their child has just flown the nest, etc.

I know you are going to say 'But look up the thread! You were telling me to do stuff for me!' We were, but not to do radical things that cost lots of money and monopolise your time. We were thinking of things that would help you:

-Get better
-Change
-Get to a place that either your DS is able to be returned to you, or at least, get to a place where SS feel that he will benefit from having contact with you.

Do you realise that you haven't even mentioned your DS since 7th September, except for contexts related to you? (ie. how he can join your hobby, how he most likely has your blood disorder so that's why he's bruised, etc?) You haven't mentioned how he is, what he does during the day, how glad you are to see him, how much you miss him?

DMH, your priorities are still all over the place

Every morning I get up and have a smile cos I get to see him and every time he goes I sit in tears. He seems to be doing well, but I've noticed a tightness in his hug just before he leaves. Be grabs me round the neck and pulls me close.
I miss him so much that even writing about him I am in tears. I try so hard to be strong and I can't be any more.

I have started to try to get better. Maybe law isn't a good idea right now. It was just that it had been my original plan.

And of course I want my son. He is my baby and yes before anyone points out he's 2, he will always be my baby.