Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Parenting

For free parenting resources please check out the Early Years Alliance's Family Corner.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

Broken hearted over my DS

939 replies

DistressedMumHELP · 29/08/2012 22:09

Okay, i want help and reassurance really. I have name changed for this in case anyone recognises me. I was stopped and asked for an account of events yesterday after witnessing an altercation and the police officer noticed the bruise on my little boys cheek. Which i explained was where he had fallen in between the step and bench in my garden, they then noticed he has bruises on his legs around his knees, so eventually they arrested me on suspicion of ABH. I was of course a mess, but i was told at the time that it was procedure etc, so i was compliant with them, Last night i got released on police bail and was of course expecting my little boy back, but today after seeing social services they have said i cant have him returned to me. I am heart broken, i have never hurt my child on purpose, and i look after him as best as possible. Originally they were saying he didnt talk, but today in front of the social worker he was talking, and i am trying to explain that he gets shy about talking, when they say he is friendly etc. They went through all my history and i have been as open as possible with them, and i dont know what to do. They want to keep him in care and are applying for a court order on friday to do so. I plan on seeing a solicitor tomorrow, the only reason i didnt today was because i didnt leave the social services until half 5 so no where was open.

I NEED A HUG. I PROMISE I WOULD NEVER HURT HIM AND FEEL THAT JUST A FEW BRUISES HAVE TAKEN MY SON FROM ME. Sad Sad Sad

I want him home. Does anyone have any experiences? How long will it take? They said they couldnt say,

OP posts:
Original poster
DistressedMumHELP · 03/09/2012 18:21

I am trying to face up to the very real possibility he will never be returned home to me, I am not blindly hoping, i have asked how an adoption would work, whether i would still get any information about him etc, but no one wants to discuss that, they dont see the need to at this time. I know this is long term, it wont be done it months, it will take years, i know its going to be a long long tough road, and i acknowledge that. I know the odds are against me. I want him home obviously but if he is better off elsewhere as hard as that is to accept i will accept it, because the bottom line is what is best for my son has to come first.

My sister has never been left alone with him, her partner has always been with her, she is 5 years older btw. I dont trust her at all with him, thats why i wouldnt let her baby sit, though she has offered

OP posts:
LadySybildeChocolate · 03/09/2012 18:28

Hold on a minute, you said this morning that you've asked your social worker for help with your parenting skills, now you've said that you've asked her about adoption?? Surely you need to be concentrating on trying to do all you can to get your child back? You seem to be going with/agreeing with whatever you're being told on here. You need to get off here, take some time and think about where you are going to go from here. I do agree that you need to seek support, you're coming across as very easily persuaded, which isn't a good thing.

Lougle · 03/09/2012 18:32

How did you know you can trust your sisters Partner??

ErikNorseman · 03/09/2012 18:34

Why on earth are you thinking that you won't get him back at this stage? Is that what you have been told or are you catastrophising? There is a very dramatic element to all this that suggests you are getting caught up in the story rather than focussing on what you need to do.

Original poster
DistressedMumHELP · 03/09/2012 18:42

I asked what happens if i cant have him back, i am looking at worst case scenario, i asked my solicitor as well, cos i want to know what i am facing, what the really worst thing would be. I havent been told i wont get him back, i just also cant say that i will get him back, i asked what happens at christmas as well, i asked about contact with his dad, i asked whether i would know, i asked about seperate waiting areas at court, i asked lots of practical questions, i am trying to prepare myself for the ultimate worst, and as it seems a lot of people here dont think i should get him back, maybe i am expecting social services to think the same? I am starting on a long journey.

People tell me to face the possibilty of losing him, and yet when i do i am doing the wrong thing??? What am i supposed to do, go blindly thinking he will definitely come home, or accept that there is a possibility he wont? I have to accept that possibility, but i also have to do my best to make it possible for him to come home to me.

OP posts:
LadySybildeChocolate · 03/09/2012 18:45

It's probably unwise to 'plan' this far ahead though, as you've no idea what's going to happen. Take each day as it comes until things are clearer for you.

Original poster
DistressedMumHELP · 03/09/2012 18:55

It is early days and no one can say what will or will not happen, no one can answer that right now there are a lot of ifs, ands, and buts to go through first. I just dont want to get my hopes up for them to be destroyed,

OP posts:
fuckityfuckfuckfuck · 03/09/2012 19:58

After less than a week you're just going to accept that he might not come back? I just cannot get my head around that OP. How truly sad for your ds that you have given him up so easily.

Original poster
DistressedMumHELP · 03/09/2012 20:13

No, I am going to fight with everything i have to get him home with me, but if i really am an incapable mum then i will have to accept he is better placed elsewhere, meanwhile i am going to try and do everything to prevent that, but i have to accept that it could happen, i am trying to go in with my eyes wide open. It hurts like hell that it could happen and i will fight with all i have. I will do everything possible, but if that's not enough to make me a good parent then he is better off elsewhere. I wont give up on him, i want him home with me, but like someone said i have to face up to the "very real possibility he wont come home"

OP posts:
Jinsei · 03/09/2012 20:22

OP, what do you think? Do you believe, in your heart of hearts, that your son will be better off with you or with someone else? Because if you're going to fight for him, you have to absolutely believe that it will be in his best interests. If you don't think that, then honestly speaking, there probably isn't much point in trying to get him back.

LadySybildeChocolate · 03/09/2012 20:24

We're all pretty shit mothers, Distressed. They send you home with a baby and don't give you instructions, you just have to do your best. There's loads of mothers out there who don't have a clue, in which case we learn as we're going along. Ask for help, motherhood is a learning process. Just because one person has said that to you it doesn't mean she's right.

Lougle · 03/09/2012 20:48

I think you are finally realising how serious this is, and you should be applauded for that, regardless of anything else. Follow the advice of your solicitor and social services. Get some help for yourself too. Choose carefully the people you turn to for support, because if you are still keeping unwise company, it will go against you.

TheEnthusiasticTroll · 03/09/2012 20:48

Lady I think your adive is kind however I dont think it is very helpfull to the OP. she does need to consider that her son may not be home or at least will not be untill things change drasticly.

LadySybildeChocolate · 03/09/2012 20:51

I'll PM you, troll.

TheEnthusiasticTroll · 03/09/2012 20:52

you are doing well so far, It is important to ask and deal with the practical things like that.

I agree you need to recognise that you may not have him back, but that also comes with a big IF things dont change,

You should tell your self that WHEN things change sufficiently, there will be a very real chance that you will work towards having him home.

TheEnthusiasticTroll · 03/09/2012 20:55

sorry also crossed wires as I missed Ops original post about asking questions today. I only read the ones after that for some reason.

Noqontrol · 03/09/2012 21:21

Theres been so many posts that I just cant remember what you said, but is it a possibility that you could move in with your mum as a compromise, as it may help if you had someone competent to help you bring up your son. For some people this can be a possibility instead of the adoption route. Not that I am saying he will be adopted, no one knows how this case will go until the assessments are completed. But I wonder if it might help your particular case. Sorry if your mum isn't suitable though, I really cant remember if you mentioned her or not.

Original poster
DistressedMumHELP · 03/09/2012 21:27

I believe that i can be a good enough mum to deserve him home, in fact i would bet my life on it, but i know that i have a lot of work to be "that mum" It wont be easy i know that, I will work at it, i will do my absolute best.

My current support network consists but three other mums, my best friend and my neighbour, that isnt a great support network but they all have steady jobs, or kids that are well looked after, my neighbour is a teaching assistant. I would say the few people i am turning to are good company, they might not have degrees and the such like, they might not have done well at school, but they have no police record, they have jobs.

I am trying to deal practicalities, so i can put some questions out of my head, and there are so many of them.

OP posts:
Original poster
DistressedMumHELP · 03/09/2012 21:29

My Mum doesnt have the room there for me and my DS that's why we needed to move out as soon as possible. Hence not the perfect area.

OP posts:
Noqontrol · 03/09/2012 21:35

Is she renting or buying? If shes renting is there any chance of you pooling resources together to get somewhere bigger. Im not necessarily saying do it, but consider it as an option if it is at all possible.

Mummy4life · 04/09/2012 00:46

Distressed - I've been reading this thread with interest. My initial thought was 'Oh my god that's terrible' to 'Thank god the Police and SS stepped in'

I don't know you. I haven't read previous post from you in other threads like some have. What I can gather by this thread though, is that you need to make serious lifestyle changes and change your whole way of thinking.

I get the impression that you go along with whatever anyone is saying to you at the time - we can see through it. You have been given great advice on here from people with knowledge and experience. It's easy to agree with others and say that you will make changes, but it means nothing if you do not put it into motion! It's not us you have to prove yourself to.

You must make your house a 'home', take parenting classes, get sleep and look after yourself (see GP etc.) and become the mother that your son needs and deserves.

I think it's such a sad situation. I hope you do turn things around. You shouldn't be planing what the right thing to say or the right way to act is. You should start doing it for real!

I wish you luck, I really do. But ultimately, I hope whatever the outcome, it is your son who comes out tops. I'd hate to think you could fool SS into getting him back with empty promises of a better future. You need to be capable of actually doing so...

Greythorne · 04/09/2012 08:29

You are now investigating adoption?

LurkingAndLearningLovesCats · 04/09/2012 08:36

OP...Do you just say what you believe the posters before you want to hear? Because it seems like your position changes deeming on what posters are saying.

Do you feel a deep need for people of either gender to really like you? I'm asking because combined with everything else, you just remind me a lot of my former self.

Original poster
DistressedMumHELP · 04/09/2012 08:59

I want to do what's right. I want my little boy to be happy and that means exploring all possible routes. Of course I want him home with me.

My mums place is her own. No mortgage on it, that was paid off many years ago.

grey I am trying to ask as many questions so I am as prepared as possible.

OP posts:
MardyArsedMidlander · 04/09/2012 09:38

The problem with moving in with your mother is that you have already stated that your sister is abusive, and that your mother is scared of her. So how would she be a protective factor for your son?

And to the poster above, unfortunately it's very easy to tel the difference between an adult bite and a child's bite Sad