Broken hearted over my DS

[DistressedMumHELP]

Okay, i want help and reassurance really. I have name changed for this in case anyone recognises me. I was stopped and asked for an account of events yesterday after witnessing an altercation and the police officer noticed the bruise on my little boys cheek. Which i explained was where he had fallen in between the step and bench in my garden, they then noticed he has bruises on his legs around his knees, so eventually they arrested me on suspicion of ABH. I was of course a mess, but i was told at the time that it was procedure etc, so i was compliant with them, Last night i got released on police bail and was of course expecting my little boy back, but today after seeing social services they have said i cant have him returned to me. I am heart broken, i have never hurt my child on purpose, and i look after him as best as possible. Originally they were saying he didnt talk, but today in front of the social worker he was talking, and i am trying to explain that he gets shy about talking, when they say he is friendly etc. They went through all my history and i have been as open as possible with them, and i dont know what to do. They want to keep him in care and are applying for a court order on friday to do so. I plan on seeing a solicitor tomorrow, the only reason i didnt today was because i didnt leave the social services until half 5 so no where was open.

I NEED A HUG. I PROMISE I WOULD NEVER HURT HIM AND FEEL THAT JUST A FEW BRUISES HAVE TAKEN MY SON FROM ME.

I want him home. Does anyone have any experiences? How long will it take? They said they couldnt say,

Can we have links to OP's other threads please?

" Hotelfoxtrot Tue 04-Sep-12 10:05:12

Can we have links to OP's other threads please?"

No, you can't.

No.

Hotelfoxtrot Tue 04-Sep-12 10:05:12
Can we have links to OP's other threads please?

No.

Op has name changed for this thread although some people have worked out who she is.

Crikey, you can't ask that hotel. What on earth would you want them for? This isn't a soap opera, this is someones life.

Greythorne - and others - some posters have written very authoritatively about what will happen next. They have put ideas into DistressedMum's head (someone said for instance that adoption looks very likely) that she is being heavily influenced by. She didn't decide to get her child adopted!

DistressedMum, nobody knows what will happen, even mumsnetters with professional experience can't possibly be certain what will happen in your case, they are just mentioning possibilities or probabilities based on limited information. I wish you all the very best. Take care of yourself.

As other posters have touched on, I think it would be helpful to note that different times and places have different standards for childcare. I am 40 and when I was at primary school, children often got the cane, for instance. Many children had much more severe corporal punishment at home. I do not suggest that the OP (or anyone) would ever hurt their child, but the child-centred, non-violent way that we are all expected to parent now (and I agree with, needless to say) is sometimes presented as universal timeless hegemony. It is not. For many it is a departure, and something to be learned.

Hotel- I can't believe you asked that. Thank god the rest of the thread respects privacy and confidentiality. This is not entertainment.

Kitty I'm afraid you'e very naive if you really believe that. Internet forums are EXACTLY that...and no matter how many people on here like to pretend otherwise, for the majority...they are entertainment.

People come on to go "oooh" and "Ahhh" and "Uuugh" at other people's lives JUST like they do when they watch Jerry Springer.

Yes, there are some very helpful posters and people who really do want to help others but there are more who are here to "perve" on other people's car crash lives.

But you were of course right to admonish Hotel for her request.

Then I'm naive. I can't imagine the abuse of a child could be hand-rubbing jollies to some. I suppose there is no telling who accesses the internet. Thank you for my education, NC.

Vezzie: No, no one here no what will happen. That's totally up to OP.

I agree it is a departure, and for the significantly better. My mother is 53 -she was a 'surprise' baby, her sisters are much older- And her first memory? Being slapped across the face at age 4 on her first day of school for wanting to be with her big sister. That should be no person's first memory.

She always says 'violence begets violence.' My aunts have visible scars for playing up in school, even though Nanna and Pa never did lay a finger on any of them. I agree it's something that is taught from parent to child and I'm glad times are changing. If this is the OP's case which in a way, sounds as though childhood violence was 'normalised,' (sister beat her, mum afraid of sister etc) I do believe/hope therapy and parenting classes will help a great deal with her perspective on violence, as it seems from past threads she doesn't have a great grasp on 'once an abuser, always an abuser.' I wish you luck OP!

Disclaimer: I do not think all physically abused children grow up to abuse. My father abused me horrifically and I'll never lay a pinky on my children.

*knows what will happen.

"but the child-centred, non-violent way that we are all expected to parent now (and I agree with, needless to say) is sometimes presented as universal timeless hegemony."

I cannot think of a time within living memory where a child with adult bite marks and bruises would not come to the attention of the authorities. Actually, neither would I want to put that down to 'tsk PeeCee gone mad!!!!'. This is a TWO year old child practically wholly dependent on his mother and who is not able to speak and thus disclose to any other adult what has been done to him.
To put this incident down to differing fashions in child care is not actually helping the OP come to terms with what has happened.

Actually, if that is what vezzie meant I completely agree Mardy...

I assumed she was referring to spanking many years ago (a different discussion/debate) not an adult beating and biting a baby.

Can you please clarify, vezzie?

Mardy, far from being all "tsk PC gone mad" I am pro almost all what is usually sneered at as PC. And I completely agree that there are right ways and wrong ways to parent, and ways to parent that result in children having unexplained injuries (caused by mystery adults) are wrong.
But "child centred" is a new-ish thing. Children used to be possessions of their parents, more or less. SS quite rightly these days look at the interests of the children first. The OP is struggling to understand that. For some it is a paradigm shift. And can I say, again, a shift that I strongly support (not that that matters as I have no authority in the matter)

Calm down everyone

I only asked as I think a lot of you are being very harsh on the OP. She has acknowledged she's made made mistakes and is clearly hurting over her DS being taken.

I know it's not a soap opera tbh these kind of threads scare me as I have a history of pnd and my DS is often covered in bruises due to severe tantrumming.

I just wanted to find out some of the background. There is no need to get all up in arms about it, some of you have been downright nasty to the op.

"I just wanted to find out some of the background."

There is masses of background on this thread alone. If the OP wants to link to other threads, she can, but it isn't right that other posters do so.

FWIW, I knew nothing of the OP's 'background' at the beginning of this thread, but was very easily able to find it (less than 5 minutes) from the detail she gave, and the fact that she is so very open on MN as a whole.

Being covered in bruises is not in itself cause for concern. My DD has SS input because of her SN. She is covered in bruises, but they have never given cause for concern, because of the location of the bruises and the development of them, etc.

I have seen many threads where previous threads have been linked to provide background information. I didn't realise it was a crime

Anyway on the matter in hand, I can only say this based on what I've read on this thread. OP appears to be very vulnerable and although she's made mistakes and she needs to take responsibility for those, she also seems to be very impressionable. Accepting the fact she may need to accept her Son may never come home? That's so wrong.

OP get the help you need (counselling, therapy/ whatever is recommended) engage with the agencies who will be working with you. Stay away from the bad characters you've been involved with and get some fighting spirit for your DS. You do not need to accept you may never get him home. You need to make the changes necessary and use that love you have for him and fight for him! Good luck.

Children used to be possessions of their parents, more or less. SS quite rightly these days look at the interests of the children first. The OP is struggling to understand that.

Excellent point Vezzie, and I totally agree.

"There is masses of background on this thread alone. If the OP wants to link to other threads, she can, but it isn't right that other posters do so."

To be fair, there was no background from OP herself, it was from other posters, some hear'say. I didn't want to form an opinion based on what others have claimed she's said before.

I don't read MN enough to recognise who OP is either.

Sorry OP, didn't mean to derail your thread but I have to defend myself when there is talk of "perving on peoples car crash lives".

OP i have followed the whole thread and am concerned that you may be too keen to throw yourself into the role of victim or martyr at your son's expense.

If you make the necessary lifestyle changes there is no need for you to even consider adoption, so if you have decided to change and get help, why is this even an option for you?

You need to start taking responsibility for your life and your decisions, being a martyr and allowing others to dictate the course of your life is a cop out.

Yes but it's easier to be a victim of 'evil SS,' and a martyr at you oh so so beloved baby's expense than it is to truly change.

That is NOT snarky. It's true! I've done similar things with my own family members. The only real way way to salvation from yourself is to admit to yourself (plural, actually referring to my own life here) that have serious issues and break off your 'safety nets to the life you find comfortable. (whether that be useless men/booze/drugs/whatever) And get strong psychotherapy.

Vezzie- I sincerely apologise for misunderstanding your post.

Hotel- the problem for me is that the op has name changed for obvious reasons. Some people think they know who she is and are quite rightly keeping this information under wraps. If they were to link to other threads it would "out" her usual nickname, to use common parlance. I don't think this would be fair. If the op wants to do it then obviously it's her choice.

OP feel free to skip this post, I'm replying to an earlier post and it doesn't offer you any support/advice.

^"Well early on in this thread, I was critisised for having too much faith in the system.
That apparently, the OP's case, like many more, was part of a conspiracy on behalf of social services to forcibly adopt DC who were being well loved and cared for by their Mothers."^

Hi Wordfactory I think you're referring to me, no?

Only just checked in on this thread.

Since we've learned that the child likely has teeth marks that have come from an adult, it is of course absolutely right that there is involvement from professionals in this case.

That does not somehow prove that the system doesn't have serious flaws.

I have also never said, or even implied, that there is a 'conspiracy' and I don't think anyone else on this thread has said so either. (I'm always surprised however, at how often social workers overreact in this defensive way to criticism of the system.) All I am saying is that the safeguards in the system are weak, and that it needs major reform to prevent children being removed in cases where the evidence for removal is poor.

You also asked for my sources. I have posted it already but here is one of the links from where I have got some information.
www.forced-adoption.com/introduction.asp
I don't agree with everything the founder of the website says, (he is a bit more of the SS hating view you describe) however, there are plenty of links on there to newspaper articles, comments by MPs, and references to specific cases (difficult because of the secrecy of the family courts.)

Check it out and feel free to let me know what you think. I was especially surprised by the case in which an expectant mother was told that SS intended to remove her child from hospital shortly after birth, even though the social worker was recorded saying, in his own words, that SS had no immediate concerns that the child would be at risk. And I've been assured by many people such as yourself, that removal shortly after birth would never happen except in the most extreme of scenarios. But perhaps you have a different perspective.