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Original poster

Broken hearted over my DS

939 replies

DistressedMumHELP · 29/08/2012 22:09

Okay, i want help and reassurance really. I have name changed for this in case anyone recognises me. I was stopped and asked for an account of events yesterday after witnessing an altercation and the police officer noticed the bruise on my little boys cheek. Which i explained was where he had fallen in between the step and bench in my garden, they then noticed he has bruises on his legs around his knees, so eventually they arrested me on suspicion of ABH. I was of course a mess, but i was told at the time that it was procedure etc, so i was compliant with them, Last night i got released on police bail and was of course expecting my little boy back, but today after seeing social services they have said i cant have him returned to me. I am heart broken, i have never hurt my child on purpose, and i look after him as best as possible. Originally they were saying he didnt talk, but today in front of the social worker he was talking, and i am trying to explain that he gets shy about talking, when they say he is friendly etc. They went through all my history and i have been as open as possible with them, and i dont know what to do. They want to keep him in care and are applying for a court order on friday to do so. I plan on seeing a solicitor tomorrow, the only reason i didnt today was because i didnt leave the social services until half 5 so no where was open.

I NEED A HUG. I PROMISE I WOULD NEVER HURT HIM AND FEEL THAT JUST A FEW BRUISES HAVE TAKEN MY SON FROM ME. Sad Sad Sad

I want him home. Does anyone have any experiences? How long will it take? They said they couldnt say,

OP posts:
Lougle · 03/09/2012 10:34

I sincerely hope so. You know that they'll be looking at all of your life, though, right? They'll be looking at your relationships. They'll be looking to see if you are acting on their concerns. Not just your interactions with your DS.

squeakytoy · 03/09/2012 10:35

And what are you NOT going to do?

That is just as important.

alienreflux · 03/09/2012 10:38

bless your heart, i'm sure you are desperately trying to do the right thing and i think you are now. it's bloody awful it's come to this, but at least he's safe eh? and you can get your shit together, i had a friend in a very similar situation, she held on to her little boy for dear life, every trick in the book to show the authorities she was coping and not drinking. but she wasn't and she was, so eventually he ended up with her mum. he's a totally different little boy ( used to be really angry and aggressive) i went to his 5th birthday party, and he's soooo happy. she was there too, and she has finally got her stuff together, she works full time, and has miraculously dropped her obsession with 'finding a man' but she is leaving him where he is for the foreseeable future. she was 24 but acted more like 17, just too young emotionally to be able to give up her life for her kid, which is what you have to do to a certain extent. really good luck op, keep at it, you will get there.

TimeForMeAndDD · 03/09/2012 10:42

To work on everything you are doing wrong OP, you first have to recognise what you are doing wrong.

Original poster
DistressedMumHELP · 03/09/2012 10:45

I am not going to let people into my life without knowing they are " safe" in every possible way, I am not going to interact with the bad people in my life, I will cut them off (i already have deleted a good few numbers)

OP posts:
Original poster
DistressedMumHELP · 03/09/2012 10:48

I am letting my desperation to feel love cloud my judgement. I know where this roots from. I need to deal with that too. I need to take a step back and see what pain I have caused my little boy. I do love him,he is my baby, still, though he has now grown into a toddler.

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 03/09/2012 10:52

how about concentrating on raising your boy, and forgetting about dating random strangers or even dating at all for a while.. that would be a good start you know..

TimeForMeAndDD · 03/09/2012 10:55

That's a good start OP, recognising your desperate need to feel love. There is no greater love than that from a child, it's unconditional, concentrate on the love you get from your little boy rather than looking for it from random men.

Original poster
DistressedMumHELP · 03/09/2012 10:56

My point about desperation to be loved. I need to learn not to need that. And getting that "loved" feeling anyway I can. I need to stop thinking my son needs a father figure. I need not to feel guilty he won't ever have a sibling. (i know this cos my stomach is a mess before anyone says you can't say that, I was told I wouldn't get pregnant without help with little man and that my stomach was worse than before)

OP posts:
TimeForMeAndDD · 03/09/2012 11:00

You don't learn how to 'not need to feel loved' OP, that comes with feeling secure, happy with who you are, confident and content. You need to work on your self esteem, you need to build your confidence. How about the Freedom Programme? That might be a good start for you.

LurkingAndLearningLovesCats · 03/09/2012 11:05

You need to get off dating sites. You need to stop drinking so heavily (or at all would be my recommendation.)

Most importantly, and I think this is the difficult part; you need to realise if you do these things it is not temporary. You need to genuinely seek help. Not just to get that sweet little back. Because if that's why you're doing it? You'll slip back into old habits and he'll be taken again. And it will be much harder to get him back the second time.

You cannot just pay lip service to the changes you have to make. You must make them, and permanently.

OFC I don't mean you can never date or drink, but now/near future is really not the time. You need to stop self pitying and focus on what your son has been through...And what is best for him, not you.

I truly hope you mean it when you say you're getting help OP.

Original poster
DistressedMumHELP · 03/09/2012 11:05

What is the freedom programme?

OP posts:
LurkingAndLearningLovesCats · 03/09/2012 11:06

*sweet little BOY back

TimeForMeAndDD · 03/09/2012 11:10

This www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/

Lougle · 03/09/2012 11:11

You need to learn that your DS comes first. No matter what. No matter when. That's a hard lesson that any parent has to learn, whether the sacrifice is time to read a book, or a slightly longer bath, etc.

You need to learn to focus on him, not you. You are still looking at this situation from your own perspective - your need to be loved, your need for a father figure for your DS, your guilt that he won't have a sibling, your stomach....it's not about you.

You need to learn that when you are lonely, you still put him first. When you are sad, you still put him first. Reading some of the dating threads you were on, your posts made me feel dizzy just reading them. It took a lot of concentration to keep up with which man was which, how you knew them, how long you'd known them...utterly chaotic.

I admire you for wanting to work at it. It's a good start. But you can't underestimate how much work you have to do, how much you have to change. To be honest, given that these sort of threads are often the tip of the iceberg - you're going to have to pretty much reinvent yourself Sad

TimeForMeAndDD · 03/09/2012 11:15

Speak to your social worker about it OP, ask if they can help you get on it. It will be a good starting point for you. You say you had 6 years of abuse with your ExH, so that means you have been in an abusive relationship since you were 16? 17? You most definitely should not be dating. You should not be thinking of getting involved with men at this time in your life. You are not in a position to recognise abusive men or red flags, no matter how huge they are. You are in a vulnerable position and you will be like a magnet to abusive men because you accept them into your life, regardless. That needs to change.

Original poster
DistressedMumHELP · 03/09/2012 11:17

I need to be broken down into pieces and every issue dealt with. I know it will be a long tough road and I know at times I am likely to feel completely broken, but if dealing with all the issues so that I can look after my DS. I said I needed to stop. So that I can do what's right.

OP posts:
TimeForMeAndDD · 03/09/2012 11:20

So what are you going to do OP? What is your plan of action? Your first step?

I know from your previous posts that you are very good at talking the talk but no so good at walking the walk. I'm not so sure you can do this without someone by your side, prompting and helping you. I think you need support, a support worker maybe.

Original poster
DistressedMumHELP · 03/09/2012 11:21

I was 17 when the physical abuse started. I moved out of home because my sister was abusive, unto my exH who then turned abusive, I stayed because of love, because I didn't know how to get out, because I was married and felt obligated,because blindly I believed he loved me enough to change, I loved him with all my heart when we married.

Maybe I don't see red flags because they have been normal for me, I need to see them so I can protect my son. I am not trying to excuse this, I am trying to work out everything I can do to change.

OP posts:
Original poster
DistressedMumHELP · 03/09/2012 11:23

My first step is my doctors appointment. Telling them all this, being open about everything rather than.bottling it up, thinkin I can do it alone, I know I need help, now I have to get it.

OP posts:
LurkingAndLearningLovesCats · 03/09/2012 11:46

OP: Has your sister ever babysat/been alone with your son other than the reference you made to being with her and her partner at a petrol station?

If she physically abused you, there' a chance she did this to that poor, poor child. What is the age difference between you out of curiousity?

Mentally, I have been in a very similar situation to you minus having children. You're only a few years older than me. I suggest you ask your GP for a reference to a good psychotherapist. Preferably female if you are anything like I was, so desperate for love that you viewed professionals as attractive when they were helping you.

RagingDull · 03/09/2012 16:13

the police will be looking at all possible lines of enquiry with regard to who has bitten the toddler lurking

OP, how has today gone? Have you managed to get an appointment with your GP?

Jot things down as you identify any issues, i do think you need a full assessment from a psychologist to just see if the epilepsy is your only diagnosable condition. Then at least you know what issues you have to tackle, it would be a starting point.

What do you think? Does that sound like a plan?

(and kitty Smile TY. )

RagingDull · 03/09/2012 16:36

Op, i hope you dont mind, but ive pm'd you.

coldfuchsia · 03/09/2012 16:38

Is it definite that an adult has bitten the child? Sad

Fishpond · 03/09/2012 16:42

I think SS will absolutely insist on both a parenting assessment and a psychological evaluation. It's pretty standard when children are removed.

OP, I'm sorry to say this, but after having read through your subsequent posts and pieced together more info, I really don't think you will get your child back. You need to prepare for that seriously, not just blindly hope if you do some programs, get real help from doctors and children's centers that you'll be done and dusted in a few months.

Final judgment will likely take a year or so, and I don't think in a year you can have changed yourself and circumstances enough to warrant raising a child who has suffered physical harm under your sole care. I really don't mean to be harsh as I've been in your position and truly understand the effect this has on a person, but please understand that the odds are not in your favour at all. Sorry Sad

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