Broken hearted over my DS

[DistressedMumHELP]

Okay, i want help and reassurance really. I have name changed for this in case anyone recognises me. I was stopped and asked for an account of events yesterday after witnessing an altercation and the police officer noticed the bruise on my little boys cheek. Which i explained was where he had fallen in between the step and bench in my garden, they then noticed he has bruises on his legs around his knees, so eventually they arrested me on suspicion of ABH. I was of course a mess, but i was told at the time that it was procedure etc, so i was compliant with them, Last night i got released on police bail and was of course expecting my little boy back, but today after seeing social services they have said i cant have him returned to me. I am heart broken, i have never hurt my child on purpose, and i look after him as best as possible. Originally they were saying he didnt talk, but today in front of the social worker he was talking, and i am trying to explain that he gets shy about talking, when they say he is friendly etc. They went through all my history and i have been as open as possible with them, and i dont know what to do. They want to keep him in care and are applying for a court order on friday to do so. I plan on seeing a solicitor tomorrow, the only reason i didnt today was because i didnt leave the social services until half 5 so no where was open.

I NEED A HUG. I PROMISE I WOULD NEVER HURT HIM AND FEEL THAT JUST A FEW BRUISES HAVE TAKEN MY SON FROM ME.

I want him home. Does anyone have any experiences? How long will it take? They said they couldnt say,

loving your child. feeding uour child. clothing your child in nice clothes. making a ovely bedroom for theem. these are all externals. internals are the constant monitoring of environment...is this get together turning into a piss up? is this man who fills, at least for the moment, my bottomless need to be desired, someone to be around my child? love is not enough, especially when i is about using a childs limitless capacity for love as an out. using that capacity to bolster your own feeble sense of self worth. babies turn into toddlers. into preschoolers...etc. they are their own little person. what do you do when they challenge you? as he srely will? no longer an unhinking, cuddling mirror of your affection...

It takes a lot to be the one person that stands apart from the culture of the area that you live in. The OP obviously needs to learn how to do that, without caring if she is seen as odd, because it is what her DS needs from her.

I'm really sorry DistressedMumHELP. I can tell that you are very distressed and I really wish you the best and hope your son is returned to you. He must be distressed too.

Sorry I have no advice for you. I can only offer you best wishes and good thoughts (and prayers).

I don't Think it's to do with ' estate cultre' And I'm horrified at the assumption that anyone who.lives on.an estate is a criminal!!!

Its to do with judgements. The op is choosing risky companions..some.she knows are risky, but doesn't seem to recognise this, and.some.she.doesn't know.

She.Didby just have This man round for a coffee. She had him living with her for 10 days..that is quite a difference.

She doesn't seem able to judge risk, which is one of the readons the child has been taken.

Of course you are also overlooking the possibility that she bit the child herself....

I think its clear that the op's denial is so deep that she would not even recognise it if she had indeed 'kissed' her child so hard a bruise with bitemarks resulted. I amglad this little boy is safe now from the dubious 'love' of his mother.

I found it easier to change the way I behaved because when I was working as an architect, I mixed with MC people, and absorbed more MC habits.

If I had never had that experience, it would seem perfectly normal to me to have a more open house, to invite new friends round, to have people with nowhere else to go kipping on my sofa.

All this is seen as far more normal outside MC circles. It's cultural, I feel, and it IS a totally different culture, with totally different values.

Easier for me, because though I have plenty of non-MC friends now, I still live by far more MC values according to them.

I don't have impromptu 'sleepovers' where my friends just come for dinner and to drink and end up staying the night, I don't leave my DC's with mates to go down the pub, I don't introduce my DC's to a new bloke within days of meeting them, I don't have people 'popping round' whenever.

But I am the odd one out, and NOT seen as normal. There's a cultural divide there that I think a lot of SW's don't see, they judge everything by MC culture. And that's IME, not conjecture.

There's no assumption that everyone who lives on an estate is a criminal, or I would be including myself in that!

What I said is that on some estates, (that I have lived on), it wouldn't be easy to find friends that didn't have a criminal record of some sort. And that is through having experience of living on certain estates.

I'm not sure where the notion that the OP is part of an estate culture has come from?? I don't think 'estate culture' is a valid reason for putting your child in an abusive or vulnerable situation either. I would as much go against 'estate culture' as I would having a man I barely know in my home.

This ' estste culture' is nuts.
It's judging risk. I don't live on an estate, I have a friend, nice woman, trustee for charitys, bit of an unconventional life. She wss going to have my dd for.me to help me out.
That was fine and an ok risk.
She then said.she had to go out, but her older teenager would do it. Then when she got back she woykd Take dd to This river ( witj a strong.Currant)
I changed my mind regarding the risk, as the risk had changed and I wasnt happy with it.

That's how most people work. The.op Doesnt seem able to judge even simple.risks

estate culture is nuts? are you serious? - dont know what estates you have lived on, but in my experience (is 12 years enough?) there is a massive estate culture involving open housesto all, collusion with drug taking, loathing of authority amongst the young, unemployed parents...

Not everyone on.an.estate is like that. Same as not.everyone.not on.an estste has mc values..

What about the family that.end.up.on an estate because of redundancy.and.loosing their house. They don't suddenly become FECkless drug takers.

Or the married mother whos husband leaves her, she Doesnt.automatically become an unfit mother.

Or the young, uni educated.couple, who caht find work And have an accidental pregnancy.... They suddenly hate the police and steal?

Or the domestic violence sufferers who have bravely escaped... Whst, suddenly They are drinking and screaming in the street?

Come on!!!!

wow, really madame? I live on an estate, a pretty poor one too. My house is open to my friends and family and noone else. I neither collude with nor have ever witnessed drug taking on my estate, I am 34, my husband is 36. We are both employed.

am I allowed to tell someone to fuck off on here? or will that get my post deleted? Rhetorical question, you understand...

I know that there is a different way of doing things to the way those around me do them, a different way of doing things to what I experienced as a child, but if you haven't ever had any life experiences or family friends that do things differently, or would assess a situation like this as risky, then how can you 'see' a risk in that situation, unless you are taught?

Some people live their whole lives around people who would see no problem with the OP inviting this man to stay for 10 days, OT would be seen as normal, they wouldn't see the situation as 'risky' in the way you or I would, because how can you see everyday life as 'risky'. This situation isn't out of the ordinary on some estates, I'd seen as the everyday. And therefore, as it's the 'everyday' thing, it's not SEEN to be risky.

That's not to say that it isn't, but if SS took away every child in the country tomorrow, whose parent was putting them in exactly that particular risky situation, of having someone they don't know very well as an overnight guest in their home with their child/ren present, I can tell you now that the FC system would just collapse.

You won't assess something as a risk if it is perfectly normal behaviour in the people around you. It would be akin to someone telling you that holding a dinner party was risky behaviour, and you shouldn't do it when your DC are in the house. It is literally seen as THAT normal and non-risky.

watch, at the risk of derailing the thread. there is often an ingrained cultture that pervades - not eveyone buys into it. and those that dont keep their heads down. maybe my experience is ainted by living in london. but to get back to the op she clrarly states that she has been situated in a less than ideal area.

there is a massive cultural diversity in social work, most social workers are not middle class. They are educated proffessionals basisng judgement on a spectrum of schools such as psychology, socialology, life span development, it is not based on middle class niceties.

what you say about cultural differences must be correct to a certain extent however it is not a rule that middle class people do not neglect abuse or hurt thier children and working class/ unemplyed peole do.

Having sat and read the thread from start to finish there are far too many things running through my head so I'll just say this - OP, your boy needs to be the most important man in your life until he's out of your care. He is your priority.

I believe strongly that you need to grow the fuck up.

For only.a few months..

Sorry, but It's still nuts.

Couthy. Totally understand whay yoy are saying, and it a vicious cycle. How can people ' parent' when.they haveht Been ' parented' themselves.

But the massive.point yoy are.missing is the child has two bite marks on him. In.no culture is This acceptabke. This is more than what you are tying to label it as.

The op has a history of bad choices..she is vunerabke and needs help. Her son needs protecting.

what. i do understand. i was you also. but i was naive also and it took a long time for me to understand that the faintly slacker lifestyle of many of my neighbours was completely in thrall to a very dangerous gang. their little spliffs was the bottom end of a ruthless drug empire. again. this might be just london.

It seems, once again, that there is a lot more to this than 'ordinary loving mum finding herself completely at the mercy of evil baby snatching SS'.

For those posters who perpetuate the SS are evil line, please read this whole thread and piece together the true story as to why this poor little boy has been removed.

Estate or not.

The op seems to have either very poor or very little judgement.

People go in and out of her home.
She appear to have little idea of what happens with her child in company with all these people she surrounds herself with.
She has allowed random strangers come and live with her.
She does not know who has bitten or bruised her child.
(She did not seem to care that her child had been bitten or bruised, to any other extent than proving that SHE could not to have done it, until it was pointed out that she should be livid, so goes off on one.)
She has failed to protect her child from witnessing a knife altercation
She associates with criminals and violent men
She feels attracted to "bad guys"
She has had a long standing thread for support and been told all these things for a very long time, and yet have not changed anything about her life.
She fails to understand how her lifestyle affects her child.
She does not see that her child might actually be better off not living in such circumstances.

In all this chaos:
What routine does the child have?
When is the child fed, washed, dressed, put to sleep? By whom?
How come OP does not know what is going on with her own child, in his own home? She is only away from her child for putting the kettle on? Yet he has bruises and bite marks? Has the op asked if the bite marks are human or canine?
Who are all these tea drinking knife yielding criminals she hangs out with?

MadameD The OP wasn't 'situated' anywhere, she found the house herself and rented it privately. She hasn't been placed there by the council. She chose to live there.

Quite.

Madam- there is more.to the.uk than just.London.... If it's a sweeping generilisation, Its best.not said I find...

OK time. i have clearly misrembered a post which i thought alluded to the op going where she was placed. my apologies foe that.

The police removed this person because I asked them to sorry didn't know I was supposed to put myself in further danger. If I hadn't of been in a rush I would have noticed, but he does scream when I leave him, I come back pick him up shush him etc and he is find. It was on his shoulder, he was already dressed.

I did not bite my little boy. I blow on his belly and I have never left marks (a little dribble maybe, but nothing) I did grab him to stop him rubbing in the road. If I posed on AIBU about that I don't think many people would say yes. He slipped his rein, I was there to stop him. Hardly abuse.

And as for bruised on SS care, he does actually have more bruises I have noticed, new ones and had them noted. One on his left temple. That was confirmed not to be there before.

And seeing as it was someone I had known and they were never in police trouble in my experience it wasn't a stranger.

And not all council houses are populated by drug lords..

Jeeze! Hsve we.got.lost.and are on the daily.mail website by accident...