Broken hearted over my DS

[DistressedMumHELP]

Okay, i want help and reassurance really. I have name changed for this in case anyone recognises me. I was stopped and asked for an account of events yesterday after witnessing an altercation and the police officer noticed the bruise on my little boys cheek. Which i explained was where he had fallen in between the step and bench in my garden, they then noticed he has bruises on his legs around his knees, so eventually they arrested me on suspicion of ABH. I was of course a mess, but i was told at the time that it was procedure etc, so i was compliant with them, Last night i got released on police bail and was of course expecting my little boy back, but today after seeing social services they have said i cant have him returned to me. I am heart broken, i have never hurt my child on purpose, and i look after him as best as possible. Originally they were saying he didnt talk, but today in front of the social worker he was talking, and i am trying to explain that he gets shy about talking, when they say he is friendly etc. They went through all my history and i have been as open as possible with them, and i dont know what to do. They want to keep him in care and are applying for a court order on friday to do so. I plan on seeing a solicitor tomorrow, the only reason i didnt today was because i didnt leave the social services until half 5 so no where was open.

I NEED A HUG. I PROMISE I WOULD NEVER HURT HIM AND FEEL THAT JUST A FEW BRUISES HAVE TAKEN MY SON FROM ME.

I want him home. Does anyone have any experiences? How long will it take? They said they couldnt say,

OP as much as you want it to be known that you are angry and distressed to learn that someone has physically harmed your son, that last post does not display a natural responce. I suggest that you retract those thoughts and feelings and chanel your disapointment and frustrations into taking a very close look at your own short comings in being able to protect your ds and how this god forsaken situation has befallen your ds and your self.

as mentioned already YOU MUST CHANGE or this will not end very well for YOU. You'r little boy may not be returned if you fail to recognise and react to this situation adequatly and I fear you are not doing this.

I also think there is a lot your not telling us, I'm not saying that you need to by the way, but you do need to be honest with yourself.

Can you honestly put your hand on your heart and say that you never leave your child with someone else, really because I have a hard time believing that you ds was bitten in the time it takes for you to pop the kettle in.

Can you honestly say that you didn't see any marks that you were concerned about?

You seriously need to think about whether you are able to care for you ds and put him first for ever? He's been through so much already

If 'some bastard' had bitten my child under the same circumstances the OP describes, I would hate myself, I would be devastated and totally ashamed that I had let yet another stranger into my childs life, that I had put him in such a vulnerable position. I would be angry at myself for not heeding all the advice that had been given to me for many months, about exposing my son to men I barely know. I would take responsibility.

distressed Are you able to guarantee keeping your little boy safe and free from harm? All the time? Can you see where you could have taken different steps in the past to avoid exposing him to risks?

Op what I think people are lacking in your posts is an element of personal responsibility for these events.

It's vitally important for you to understand where YOU are responsible for things and make a change so that professional services can feel confident to place him back in your care.

Thank you, eleanor. I see.

Yes, but even while angry with yourself, would you hold no anger towards the low life that actually DID this?

We say that a woman who is raped is never to blame for what happened to her, the responsibility is on the perpetrator.

Though yes, I agree that the OP didn't make good choices about the company she keeps, why is it different here? Why is the OP to blame for the actions of this lowlife biting her DS? Surely HE is responsible for his actions?

Most people wouldn't even contemplate ANYONE biting a 2yo.

Why is a rapist the only person to blame for a rape, yet a mother who loves their child as much as, or even more to blame in a case like this than the actual abuser?

I don't blame my Mother for the fact that her boyfriend raped me when I was 4yo - I blame HIM. My Mother reported him to the police and left him, how was she to blame? He worked with children (was a teacher), and no one would have known or guessed.

I still see that the only person responsible for that was him.

The only time I can understand a mother being equally to blame is if she doesn't take steps to remove the abuser from her life, or to protect their child.

My Mother went on a course offered at the refuge, that taught her to recognise 'red flags' for abuse. She didn't ever get into a relationship like that again, and was very wary who out of her female friends she let meet me.

Yes, I get that the OP apparently has a backstory, which I seem to have missed, but why is it that people can't see the parallels between the fact that a rapist is responsible for their own actions, but a child abuser is only partly responsible, because the parent/s should have kept them safer...?

Couthy of course he is responsible for his actions, but the OP is responsible for her son and his safety. And as yet it hasn't been proved that the man who was staying with OP did this, has it? Teeth impressions have been taken from the OP, we don't know anything about what has happened with regard to the man so until it is proved it was him that caused the bite marks this is all heresay. There is a back story and and not everything has been divulged on this thread.

I forgot to say, what your mother did was great, it really was. She learned from her past and what had happened to both herself and you and she took appropriate action to prevent herself from ever getting into that situation again. She took responsibility.

"why is it that people can't see the parallels between the fact that a rapist is responsible for their own actions, but a child abuser is only partly responsible, because the parent/s should have kept them safer...?"

Because a child is not able to make judgements of their own, so they NEED their parent to protect them, and to be wary of involving someone who they barely know into the life of that child.

There are no parallels.

I think there are parallels to be draw in what you say couthy about the rapist and the abuser.

However I think the difference is that yes he ( the person whow bit the child) is absolutly to blame, however If a parent allows risky individuals into the lives of thier children without taking adequate steps to safe guard then questions should be raised at the suitabilty of that parent to safeguard, especially when there are very obviouse red flags.

Parents must be accountable for who they allow into thier childrens lives, sometimes this trust is broken by those closest, another parent a teacher a care giver etc etc. However if the parent has taken adequate styeps then no they should not be blamed.

When you allow someone to live with you who you know nothing about and you are resposnible for a two year old then that is not acceptable parenting. wether they turn out to be an abuser or not.

Even if there is no contributing neglect etc a parent will still go through a range of emotions on learning a child has be hurt and that would naturaly be to question what where how when, what could I have I done to protect my son. I think after that anger and blame, is when, ill kill the bastard etc will set in and most parents will probably flit from both of those emotions before taking measures to look at what risky aspects should change to prevent this from happening again.

I however take the view that some times the behaviour and risk taking of adults may make them more vulnerable to abuse, rape etc and they may find them selfs in risky situations where they may experience rape and abuse and if they where not in such situations they would be safer from these actions. They are still not to blame but may be able to make changes to prevent the likelyhood of rape and abuse etc. That probaly only goes for a very small % of victims I am aware and Im not using this as an applogist responce or explination for all rape of course.

I have read through this entire thread, and it is becoming quite clear to me not just why your son was taking from you and put in fostercare, but that the ss quite possibly made the right decision in doing so.

You are getting lots of good advice here. I just hope you are willing to make the changes that Troll, Lougle, Raging, etc are detailing, and not just use this information to tell SS what you plan to do (based on all their good suggestions) without actually doing it.

I hope your boy stays safe. He is what matters. Shame you dont appear to understand that.

Couthy, I'm sorry that happened to you.
I do understand what you are saying, but there are two differences here. One being we don't know who bit the child. It couid have been the op....

Secondly the op has kept known bad company. She was choosing to associate with risky people....

The OP has taken steps to remove this person from her life, she has started the process of getting an injunction out on this person. How are you meant to guess that someone is going to hurt your 2yo when nobody tells you what a person is like?

How are you meant to know that someone is going to bite a child? Do they come with a stamp on their forehead saying "I am a child abuser"?

I get that some of you appear to 'know' the OP's backstory, but even if she has made dubious choices in men, she isn't alone, in fact there is a whole section on MN where 90% of the posts are from people who have made dubious choices in men. Does that mean that they are equally to blame for any emotional damage done to their DC's if their father is EA? Or are those men, and those men alone, responsible for the consequences of their actions?

Yes, I have changed my lifestyle for my DC's, but I still don't see how it is the OP's fault that someone has done this. If SHE didn't bite him, and she didn't stand there and WATCH someone bite him, how can she be responsible for him being bitten? She can be responsible for bringing the person into her home, she can be responsible for not being present every minute of every day (how many threads on MN say it's OK to leave a toddler UNSUPERVISED while you go to the toilet/answer the door etc, as long as there is no danger to the child, all plug sockets covered etc?) Yet the OP goes to the loo/boils the kettle/goes to BED FFS, and she is in the wrong and should have been present every second of every day.

I am perplexed as to how that double standard works?

Surely most people would feel safe leaving their toddler in their own bed with a friend in the house? Surely most people wouldn't think twice about popping out of the room to go to the loo, or to put the kettle on?

Yes, I agree, a bite happening in that short a time scale, and not hearing any screams etc, IS ODD, as is not noticing a bite mark afterwards too, but I still don't see who has NEVER done these things?

Or am I just hopelessly naive, and actually people carry their 2yo's to every room when they leave a room, even if they have a friend there to keep an eye on them? Does everybody carry their 2yo into the toilet with them every time?

Maybe I still am not doing right by my DC's? Is it only male friends I shouldn't leave them alone for a second with, or female friends too?

no the police removed this man from her life.

We do not yet know that HE bit the child. We do not yet know that he abused the child in any way. Police noticed bruises on the child when the OP was being questioned about another matter. From there he was removed from the home, rather quickly. There is a back story which doesn't concern the man in question because he has only been in the OP's life for a short time. This is obviously about more than a bite mark and the OP's 'friend'.

So is a Lone Parent who hasn't got family to care for their child shouldn't have a relationship at all, as they would HAVE to bring the man back to their house to get to know them, right?

Until when? How old should the youngest child be? 16? 18?

Curious, as this is my current situation. I would have utterly no ability to 'date', and probably won't for well over a decade to come. Should I stay single for at least that long?

If so, I'm going to have a VERY lonely decade.

Yes, but when that person, who was known to the op is a criminal, fire arms, domestic abuse, etc, etc ( caht remember it all) then no, I would not allow that person into my home,let alone unaccompanied with my child.

If you are Hanging around with people who have served time for gbh or whatever, then no. Again, not acceptabke.

Its totally different to Letting your friend in your house. The risk has increased.

In any case,,as Yet we don't know where the bite marks came from

As a lone parent there is no way I would bring a man I barely knew back to my home. I would stay single for as long as it took, as long as my DD was not put in a vulnerable position. I am not so desperate to have a man in my life, any man, that I would compromise my childs safety. My daughter is more important to me than my need for a man. I'm not lonely, I am happy and secure.

I understand your post and questioning, But I think many parents would think twice into letting a friend into thier house and leaving thier child alone with said frined who is a stranger to her child.

Of course you never know who is and who is not an abuser and many abusers come in many different guises and they are not all learing around the corner waiting to pounce. But I think if some one with a string of offences as this man who may have bitten the child is going to at least give out some clues he is a feckless bastard. It probably is that OP is either vulnerasble and unable to read these clues and so sadly her child was placed at risk.

Or to put it explicitly she was happy to ignore or was blinded to these clues whilst she was getting what sexual attention she was craving and enough drink etc she was overlooking her sons needs to serve her own needs.

Most parents pick thier friends and lovers carefully, some dont have adequate skills in doing so and some just dont care, either way the child requires protecting.

No. And you are being difficult about this.
I'm a lone parent too. People visit my house. Not people who have been convicted of violent crimes.

You wouldn't have someone in your house till you knew them a bit. Then you woyidnt immediately introduce them to your child, then woyidnt leave them.unsupervised for a while. Abd you would the whole time be learning whst they were like and judging if it was safe to Take Yhe next step.

The op seems to be lacking this ability as she puts her ds right in the centre of the risk, without a second thought. Then defends those actions.

Im a single parent with very little babysitters and quite frankly that means Im unable have a relationship just now and if that means I cant untill my dd is 16 or what ever then so be it. my needs for sex do not outweigh her needs to be safe in her own home.

I strongly suspect if i ment someone now though there is plenty of oppertunity to see them when my dd is at school or what ever but she a little older than 2 years old.

Ah, now I get where you are coming from. No, nobody with ONE of those convictions would be getting within spitting distance of my DC's, much less with a string of them.

I guess it is timescales then, how long should I take getting to know this person before allowing them access to my DC's.

I have to say, I am far and away more careful about that than, well, 98% of women I know, tbh. It just isn't the culture of the area I live in, and I am thought of as 'odd' for NOT introducing someone to my DC's until I have known them for 6 months+, and then it's only supervised with me there.

I am thought of as strange, and antisocial. It IS a different culture, one which I grew up in, but am deliberately different from BECAUSE of my experiences with my DD.

So though I have changed that, it does leave me being ridiculed. And I'm not just saying that I do this with men I want to sleep with, but 'new' friends, too, be they male or female.

But I am laughed at, and thought of as odd, because the culture is to meet a new friend, and go round theirs for a cuppa and a chat to get to know them, while the kids play together. And if one of their other friends turns up, you are introduced, and you all sit there and chat. If you took your toddler to the loo with you, it would be seen as offensive, as you don't trust them, and word soon gets around that you are a funny bugger!

I think some people find it hard to understand that 'estate' culture is very different from MC culture.

I am happy to be seen as the 'funny bugger' because I don't leave my DC's around people I don't know well, but in some areas, if you discounted everyone with ANY sort of criminal record as a friend, you'd be bloody lonely!