Broken hearted over my DS

[DistressedMumHELP]

Okay, i want help and reassurance really. I have name changed for this in case anyone recognises me. I was stopped and asked for an account of events yesterday after witnessing an altercation and the police officer noticed the bruise on my little boys cheek. Which i explained was where he had fallen in between the step and bench in my garden, they then noticed he has bruises on his legs around his knees, so eventually they arrested me on suspicion of ABH. I was of course a mess, but i was told at the time that it was procedure etc, so i was compliant with them, Last night i got released on police bail and was of course expecting my little boy back, but today after seeing social services they have said i cant have him returned to me. I am heart broken, i have never hurt my child on purpose, and i look after him as best as possible. Originally they were saying he didnt talk, but today in front of the social worker he was talking, and i am trying to explain that he gets shy about talking, when they say he is friendly etc. They went through all my history and i have been as open as possible with them, and i dont know what to do. They want to keep him in care and are applying for a court order on friday to do so. I plan on seeing a solicitor tomorrow, the only reason i didnt today was because i didnt leave the social services until half 5 so no where was open.

I NEED A HUG. I PROMISE I WOULD NEVER HURT HIM AND FEEL THAT JUST A FEW BRUISES HAVE TAKEN MY SON FROM ME.

I want him home. Does anyone have any experiences? How long will it take? They said they couldnt say,

troll at which point did I state I felt her parenting choices have been aceptable????

I have never stated that, what I have stated is I do not believe that she caused ABH to her son. I believe that is some what different to talking about someones parenting choices, I am not in a position to have an opinion on her parenting choices having not know what they are.

Also where is she placing her own needs above her sons... again others may have more knowledge of this but I do not.

Again yes the OP needs ot understand what is going on and what she can do, she is trying to do this and is already looking at what she can do to make life better for her and her son.

At least we can agree that the system are still shameful and need to continue moving forward, they are just doing it slower than an amoeba.

You're missing the point completely Ninja about the reasons for SSD involvement.

Although I do not agree with your opinions on SSD, I appreciate you have had a bad time in the past, but I don't think this thread is the place to air your grievances about them.

I wasnt airing my grievances at them....

I have posted to distressed mum about the fact I believe she didnt give her son ABH and gave one opinion about the SS (I hasten to add Im not the only one who did) yet it seems that I am airing my grievances.

People are completely missing the point that I was offering support, giving advice (which she had already done) and hoped for a good outcome.

But apparently Im agreeing with her parenting too.

go figure

Ninja the op has placed her own needs over her sons in various ways that are apparent on this thread, in particular exposing him to people who are a risk to her and her son, this is very poor parenting choices.

I read between the lines of your post in suggusting you may find her parenting choices acceptable as you seem to not recognise that they are a significant risk.

that poor poor little lad, i hope and pray if you get him back you never let another adult hurt him. And if you don't i hope that he feels safe and loved wherever he is :(

Ok let me get this right,

OP has left a relationship that has DV to protect her son and has moved first to her mums then her own place in the idea she is giving her son a better life.

she states quite clearly she was walking with a friend in an area she has to go through and they start getting abuse and a knife pulled on them, {how exactly was she to know that was going to happen}

the friend she had staying, she has since found out what he was like and was unaware until she looked into it. She was going off faith from them being friends at school together.

With hindsight its very easy to say it was the wrong thing but until it happened how are you to know.

because you do not have relative strangers staying in your home when you have a 2 year old.

You dont engage with, make eye contact with people who are likely to pull a knife on you. she must have stuck around long enough to have an altercation and for the police to came.Most people would have been out of that situation like a bolt before any altercation had occured.

With no hindsight about it My choices about where I go, who I mix with, how I conduct myself are based on my dcs welfare.

Hi op, I was on your thread at the beginning but have only just had time to catch up.

In this situation I believe ss were right in protecting your little boy while they investigate what is happening in his life.

I know you say you are engaging with ss now, but it seems this is only the case because they have taken your ds. If you get him back please continue to engage with the services on offer.

Please use you local chldren's centre. We do offer lots of services even if it's just someone to talk to. Most will run parenting classes, and play group type groups on a weekly basic.

In my experience I have seen parents use the centre for a few months and the situation improves for everyone and then they stop using them and things go back to square one. Please make it a long term plan. Not just a means to an end.

Enthusiastictroll is right.

I think you are bring overly harsh troll

In not saying you are wrong, but OP seems quite vulnerable herself. Hopefully she will get and seek support in the future and this will end up ending well. No I wouldn't have people stay in my home, but lots of people would.

Troll is not being harsh. She is spot on. This is the reality. Although I agree that the op is vulnerable and I do hope she gets the support she needs for a happy outcome.

Ninja, you're not reading it properly, or you are just not understanding it. Sorry, but you're not.

I am not being at all harsh I have and will continue to provide OP with advice and sound support on this thread. However the reality of her situation must be recognised and accepted. She is absolutly vulnerable and I am not being judgementa in a judgy pants kind of way, but yes I am being judgmental in my coments to be realsitic and suggest what aspects of Ops life has lead to her Ds being removed and that does take a realistic judgement.

Troll is right..

It's clear the op is vunerable, but that.doesn't excuse This at all.

The op needs help to see how she ended up in.this situation and.what she can.do to improve it.

That is what matters, without these happening the situation cannot improve.

Fair enough troll. It's hard to judge the tone in which something is meant. I guess you are trying to lay out why this happened so she can understand and not get into that situation again

OP, hello.

I agree with watch' whilst feeling desperately sorry for your situation and appreciating that you are now doing everything possible to comply with SS, you have been given consistent advice elsewhere as to the choices you have been making. I truly don't want to sound harsh, I know it may come across like that...I know that choices you may have made have been as a result of terrible abuse and situations that have happened to you that were not of your own making. That said, this is the loudest wake-up call of all.

I had a member of staff once who suffered terrible DV. I knew something was up and she eventually confided in me as her make up grew thicker to hide the bruises and her timekeeping got worse. I didn't tell her 'just leave the bastard', I knew it wasn't as easy as 'just leaving,' she had to come to that decision herself. You have to come to this decision yourself and no amount of internet advice will get you to where you need to be.

If you lose DS and do not seek 'proper' structured help and engage with that help, you will do this for the rest of your life. Unless you make this change, it is likely that you will consistently have relationships with men like DS's dad and this ' friend-that-you-trust' You will be abused and manipulated, your subsequent children will be at risk, social services will always be a presence in your life. There is a very lonely side to being a single parent, we all seek affirmation and that there is someone who will love us and our child(ren). There are some very nasty men that know that.

When people share terribly sad stories of their lives, the natural instinct is to want to hug and wish we had a magic wand to make it better. We don't have magic wands OP. However, of course we care. you need to make a change. We want to help, as far as faceless Internet folk can, but you honestly need real life support through sure start, local mums groups etc.

Good post snapespeare

Good post snape. Very eloquently put.

If your son has a fresh bite mark on his shoulder, enough so that the police have taken impressions of your teeth to try to rule you out/in for it, then I'm afraid I CAN understand their decision to place him in FC.

I was rather chaotic and didn't keep good company when I was young and first had my DD. I realised that it was down to me to decide what sort of people had access to my child/ren, and I cut myself off from my old circle of friends, and started making new ones from toddler groups, sing along sessions etc, and I chose my friends very carefully.

Nowadays, I look back, and I am glad I had the wake up call of my DD being in FC for two weeks, because although it was the worst feeling in the world, it gave me the impetus to change my life, and more importantly, that of my DD.

She is now 14yo, has lived with me ever since, and I have had no major SS involvement since she was 4yo.

You REALLY need to think hard about the company you keep, because while YOU choose who you spend time with, your child has no choice in that. So you need to choose very carefully, and make your choices with your child in mind first, THEN who you would like to see second.

I hope you resolve this, but like me, it will take a complete lifestyle overhaul, engagement with all services offered, and doing everything with your son's well being in mind first and foremost.

It IS a good sign that you have been allowed contact for 5 days a week rather than the standard 2. They usually do that in cases where they can see the resolution in the longer term of the child being reunited with their parent, provided the parent makes the necessary changes to their lifestyle.

You have my best wishes, and I hope you can engage with the services offered.

WRT the bite marks - even if there are no visible marks now, there is a scan or special photography technique they can do that reveals the bruising below the skin in the shape of teeth marks. They will use this is the child had a visible bite mark on the day he was taken into FC, and the bite mark will have been traced onto an OHP sheet at the time too, to enable the police to match teeth to the bite mark.

I did drop and run but as soon as he saw me he stopped as is usual. I have just left him. I did cry when I got there before he arrived, composed myself, didnt cry in front of him but as soon as he left there were tears, but apparently Thats normal and I did much better managing my emotions.

Did your son sleep in the same room as you OP? You say he had his own Cars bedroom, is it possible that the person staying with you may have been hurting your DS at other times you weren't there, perhaps when you were sleeping?

Fwiw I just found out a friend I had known since school is not who they say they are. I also put a roof over his head and helped him out a lot, although at the time my partner had his own place so I stayed with him with my son while my 'friend' stayed at mine and I had such a nasty shock when his true colours came out.

I know it won't come back as my teeth. Glad there is more they can do these days.