looking after my grandon full time

[alycia]

hi everyone im new on here but wanted a rant moan someone to listen im 32 got 3 girls 17 6 and 3 my eldest daughter has got a 9month old son my grandson who i adore i love him 2 bits ive been looking after him full time for 3 weeks now she doesnt want to bring him up so social services are going to get a residence order for him to live with me my daughter sees him 3 times a week for a few hours but never over night my grandson goes to his dads every weekend my daughter and dad arnt together no more i love my daughter but cannot understand why she doesnt want her son im filling up with tears im going to be his carer but i have 2 little ones my self its hard work and im so tired not much money am i doin the right thing will it get to much for me im sruggling my self at times for money his dad doesnt pay for him is anyone in the same boat as me would like advice thanks and thanks for letting me ramble on if any one has baby boys clothes bundles for him id appreciate that 3 6 months 6 9months 9 12 months thanks so much im willing to pay i have everything else for him but clthes would keep me going for a while thanks again

thankyouxxxx

she has her own flat in a good area with everything in it but shes never lived in the flat

Is she still living with you?

Perhaps you could very gradually assist her to live in her flat, starting with going there together, just spending a couple of hours in it together (you, her and baby), getting it all kitted out. Gradually over a period of time building up to longer periods, some of them on her own with the baby.

I think you're doing everything you can be doing and you will get a lot of virtual support on here too so post whenever you want to.

no shes got her own flat but shes living with her bf she wont go to her flat as she says shes lonely and she doesnt like it its all kitted out for her social services tried to get her to live in the flat and that didnt work

What do you think of the BF?

Is he supportive of her relationship with her son?

im just fed up tired and stressed

shed not with her sons dad but he has him everyweekend and i get on with him also her new boyfriend is good with my daughter and my grandson

i will care for him as long as he needs me until my daughter is ready to have him backx

OP as hard as it is, I think you need to give your DGS back to his mum. By caring for him, you are effecitvely putting a sticking plaster over the real issue - his mum doesn't feel ready or able to commit to being a full time mum. She can get help through SS, her HVs or HomeStart to help her with being a mum but it is her job to do.

Being a mum is hard work - did she think it wouldn't be? How did she think she was going to care for this baby when she (they) got pregnant? It's all very well for the DF to say he has the baby so doesn't have to contribute but that's not going to clothe the baby or buy him shoes in 12 months' time. I think you need to sit down with your DD, her BF and his parents to talk about how the parents are going to support this new family to work this out together, instead of you just taking on the caring for your GS when you have enough on your plate.

im just fed up tired and stressed

I'm not surprised! Even when your grandson goes to his dad's for the weekend, you have your other two young children to look after.

Do you have family who could give you a break over the weekend so you can catch up on some rest?

i no what your saying but my daughter wont go to groups or anything he wont pay for his son grandsons dads family work and dont buy anything ive done it all myself social services want him with me and if i give him back to his mum she just brings him back after so long

'i will care for him as long as he needs me until my daughter is ready to have him backx'

And the next one?
If she's managing to avoid the realities of parenting her child, and not using contraception to the best of your knowledge and living with her boyfriend, you could end up with a number of grandchildren to care for.

Does your daughter work or is she in education or anything?

It sounds like she needs help - would her BF be able to persuade her to go to the GP or speak to a HV?

no not really its just good old me i just soldier on really thats all i can doxxx

thats my worry i couldnt look after any more

shes not doing anything with her time and thats making me mad also i booked her at the docs and she didnt turn up

But what will you do when she gets pregnant again and turns up with a baby?
Only other choice is SS and fostering or adoption.
What does your 17 year old plan on doing in the next decade if she's not looking for work or education?
What reason does she have to take any responsibility for her child on a permanent basis if you are there ready to fill all the gaps because you love them all?

In the nicest possible way then she needs to grow up and it may get to the stage where you have to be cruel to be kind (easier said than done I know) and make he realise that her life no longer revolves around her but she has a child she is responsible for.

Could you arrange for the HV to come to visit at a time you know she will be at your house?

Oh alycia, you sound like such a strong and loving woman, your grandson is lucky to have you. Please use freecycle and local for sale sites (like fb), I really hope your daughter matures quickly and can see what she's missing out on and realises just how lucky she is. Good luck

thankyou so so muchxxx

Just wanted to say good luck, my children were 6,3 and 9 months at the same time, it can be relentless .

As well as freecycle, local sales etc, I always found the local boards of Netmums really good for baby clothes, baby/toddler equipment etc at really good prices.

Hi OP, right, Ive got a few pairs of pants, a couple of T-shirts and a few baby grows. Now, they are very 'well loved' so dont look the best but if you want them just PM me your address (click on Message poster next to my username) and I'll pop them in the post tomorrow.

Sorry I cant offer any advice on your situation but if a few bits help then thats my good deed done for the day

she wont see anyone she misses appointments and doesnt turn up i no what your saying but i have to do the best by my grandsonx

Op-Your dd needs to grow up, i just hope she doesn't expect you to do all the child-rearing then turn up when he is 6 and expect to have him back without so much as a thankyou.
Im sorry to say this, but your grandson will call you mum in a year or so as that is all he knows.
It sounds like you are very doting mother who has taken on your daughter's responibilies, i don't buy into that clap-trap of her being young. She got pregnant so should take responsibility and if she can't she must be prepared that her son will see you as his mum.
What if she gets pregnant again, what then are you going to be expected to bring the next child up too?, this has happened to a lady i know, her daughter got pregnant 3 times and her mum bought 2 of them up then when the kids turned 5&6 she wanted them back, so heartbreaking for the woman that bought them up.

You are doing a wonderful thing, make it official though and adopt him as you are giving him the love and care he needs.
Tell your daughter to get some proper contraception to stop this happening again and tell her your not prepared to see her give up on another baby!

I had my pfb at 19, as soon as i saw her i loved her instantly and i would never have given up on her-you get pregnant you have to do what is best and grow up, it sounds as though in this situation it isn't going to happen especially when she can't even be arsed to buy him clothes. Atleast the father is putting effort in!

The main thing is the baby has you, and you love him so he has a stable home whilst she continues on with her childhood

Has she been checked for pnd?

forgot to say they are all 3 - 6 months but would be ok for a tidgey 9 month old.