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Original poster

How do you explain to child-free friends that you can't go out in the evening?

90 replies

CharlieMouseWillDoIt · 12/07/2012 16:46

My 17 month old daughter has only ever gone to sleep for me (and even then its a struggle and takes about an hour). She was EBF until 6 months and I still bf her. Even though she doesn't fall asleep feeding any more, it's still the last thing we do as part of her bedtime routine.

During the first year, I felt OK telling friends the truth and saying that neither of us were ready for me to leave her at bedtime. Now that seems to be wearing rather thin. I was meant to be meeting friends tonight, but have made an excuse not to go, now I'm feeling all miserable. Not miserable about still wanting/needing to be there for my daughter's bedtime, but more about the gulf between me and my child-free friends. Even though I try to explain what being a parent is like, understandably they don't quite "get it". Any suggestion they make about simply getting a baby-sitter won't work if even my DH can't get my DD to go to sleep!

BTW - I'd be happy-ish going out after my DD is asleep, but this isn't often until gone 8pm and the journey to meet my friends will take over an hour so it isn't really do-able for a meal out.

OP posts:

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Francagoestohollywood · 12/07/2012 16:57

I don't really know what to say.
Would you like to see your friends once in a while?

overmydeadbody · 12/07/2012 17:01

Why don't you invite your friends to your house for dinner? Your DH or you or both of you could prepare a casserole in advance, then have them arriv at 7:30 for drinks and nibbles with DH until you come down once DD is asleep.

And start getting your DD to fall asleep with your DH. Your DD's sleeping habits can be changed with a bit of commitment.

RillaBlythe · 12/07/2012 17:02

So do you ever see your friends?

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pictish · 12/07/2012 17:04

Well I think it's about time your dh DID get her to sleep on his own, while you go out. A year and a half is a long time to martyr yourself without a single night out. I'm not surprised your friends don't get it - I've got three kids and I don't get it either, I'm afraid.

Takver · 12/07/2012 17:10

If you like being there for your dd's bedtime, and she likes that last bedtime feed, that's a good enough reason IMO.

Why not just tell your friends that - its a special time of day for you both, and you'd rather meet them later once she's settled. You could always join them for a drink & a chat after the meal, or meet up with them on a Sunday lunchtime maybe? They're not little for long, no-one else can b/f her, why not make the most of it. It would be different if you didn't want to do it, but you do!

mindosa · 12/07/2012 17:11

Well you are kind of making a rod for your own back here. A 16month should be able to sleep without Mum

miaowmix · 12/07/2012 17:12

It sounds like a bit of an excuse, and that you don't really want to go out and see your friends? Just get a babysitter or let DH deal with DD... she will have to sleep for someone else at some point, and 17 months is plenty old enough...

DuelingFanjo · 12/07/2012 17:13

I have this too. I would say that if you really did want to go out you would find a way even if it was just leaving your DH to it. I find that I really just don't want to go out so just turn people down if they arrange evening things. Can you just accept it?

Don't let other people make you feel like you should be leaving your child if you don't want to.

DuelingFanjo · 12/07/2012 17:14

"Well you are kind of making a rod for your own back here. A 16month should be able to sleep without Mum"

should?
all children are different and some children don't. What do you propse that the OP do to force the issue?

CherryBlossom27 · 12/07/2012 17:16

I think I would just ask DH to make himself scarce and invite the girls around for dinner and wine and have a night in!

You don't really sound like you want to miss your daughters bedtime, so work around it instead.

EldonAve · 12/07/2012 17:18

Making excuses and cancelling when you said you would go out never goes down well

Just say no from the outset and try to get together with them at a time that works for you - weekend lunch perhaps?

StarMeKitten · 12/07/2012 17:20

I would invite your friends to yours if you're not comfortable going out. We've got an 18mo DD and often have friends round at weekends.

However I would try & get your DH to get her to sleep or this problem is just not gonna get any better.

In all honesty I don't "get it" either. Me & DH have been out and left DD with our parents occasionally from a young age. It was important to us that she could settle for them as well as she did for us as long as they kept to her routine.

Are you really that bothered about seeing your friends?

Dropdeadfred · 12/07/2012 17:21

Why not ask your friends to come to yours for a meal and drinks?

TheSurgeonsMate · 12/07/2012 17:21

I agree with pictish and duellingf who appear to be poles apart but are really saying the same thing - in reality you're choosing to put dd to bed rather than see your friends. That's why it's so hard to explain.

BertieBotts · 12/07/2012 17:21

If you could be back by 11ish or even midnight or so, would it really be a massive deal if she didn't sleep until you got back? That's what I used to do.

Whirliwig72 · 12/07/2012 17:31

I get where you are coming from totally. I've breast fed both my babies and I didn't feel comfortable leaving ds1 at night till I stopped bf-ing when he was two. I've been I invited out next month and much as it would be a great night I feel ds2 (10 months) is too young to be left with anyone else at the moment. Yes DH could feed him a bottle of breast milk if he wakes up but it's not the same as me feeding him. I see my friends in the day time often with children in tow. I've also left both children in crèches etc while ive done courses but Night times are for me and the baby and are too precious to waste imo!

sandyballs · 12/07/2012 17:36

I'm not surprised your child free friends don't get it, I don't either. 17 months old and you haven't been out for an evening. Fine if you don't want to, but if you do then it isn't going to hurt your DD to be left with daddy. Have you not been out with your DH either without DD?

I completely understand it's a special time but one night won't matter.

I went out with friends for a meal when my twins were 7 weeks, leaving them with DH.

Francagoestohollywood · 12/07/2012 17:52

I think that if you really want to see your friends, inviting them at yours is a good compromise.

I won't tell you to leave dd with dh if you don't feel ready, but I really struggle not to!!!

Caz10 · 12/07/2012 19:32

surgeonsmate with all due respect I think that is a load of crap! Her dd won't settle for her dh, so should she just leave her to scream (not particularly fair on dh either)

OP I started a thread similar to this a while back and got much more of a positive response. I have 2 dcs, 4 and 1, and dh has really struggled to settle either of them. With the 2nd one I was determined to get out a bit more in the evenings, but it is really difficult - either settle her myself then sneak out and join whatever event it is over an hour or so late, or leave dh to try to settle her which normally involves a good 45 mins of screaming which I'm not massively happy with. Nonetheless we have persevered and he can now generally get her down to sleep in her buggy. Whichever way we do it though, she always wakes up again somewhere between 9-11pm and then it is impossible for him to settle her, so I have to decide whether to leave her crying, or at best awake, or just come home.

With this being dc2 I absolutely do not prioritize putting her to bed over getting out to see my friends! I am practically running out of the door! But there is also a limit to how much I can enjoy a night out knowing what is going on at home.

I don't see there being any badge of honour for gettIng out in the evening when your babies are tiny, if they need you they need you. Personally I just make sure I see my friends for lunch etc, or even an early night out/dinner, say 5-9pm. I know the ones without children don't really get it, but that's just life.

PrincessOfChina · 12/07/2012 19:37

You need to admit to yourself whether you're not going out because you "have" to put the baby to bed or because you would rather put the baby to bed than see your friends.

Nothing wrong either way, but it's better to be honest and address the issue.

Greythorne · 12/07/2012 19:37

We have been there, OP.

Breastfed babies / toddlers, co-sleeping, no family close-by.

Our solution has been to invite people to our house for drinks and nibblea at 9pm. Or going out for late supper, meeting at 9.30pm.

But, tbh, we have lost one set of friends who couldn't get their heads round our unusual schedule. Their loss.

Our 'babies' are 5 and 3 now and we have a regular, trusted babysitter. But the DC are always asleep before she cones round as we don't want other people putting them
To bed. So we still go out late. That's our choice.

Shrugs.

catfart · 12/07/2012 19:41

OP I do exactly the same as you and my boy is 23 months. I still BF him to sleep, he won't have anyone elsevand I won't force it. I've explained to mybfriends, most don't get it but i'm doing whatvfeels right. I have a very happy boy and thats what matters, I see my friends during the day or cook them dinner on the weekend.

GnocchiNineDoors · 12/07/2012 19:41

Op, this all depends. If you WANT to go out with friends in the evening but cant then I think you need to start making steps towards your dd learning to settle at bedtime with other people.

If you actually dont WANT to go out with friends in the evening then no need to worry really.

However, I find that if you consistantly turn down an invite and regularly cancel plans with the same group of people, they tend to stop asking.

Also, if the only thing making you not go out is the hassle involved in teaching your dd to fall asleep without you then that falls into paragraph one above.

TouTou · 12/07/2012 19:44

I agree that the reason it's hard to tell them that this is the reason you can't come out is because you are obviously not entirely happy with the situation. If you were, as many of my friends were (I wasn't!) happy with staying in for years after yoru DC birth, then you wouldn't feel odd trying to make excuses.

So, something needs to be done as its making you feel unhappy.

Your DD will settle with your DH, eventually. He's not a random babysitter you've pulled off the street, so you need to trust that this can happen. How much of a chance have you given this option?
Personally, I would try over the next month to go out just before DDs bedtime - go on a walk, a bike ride, a coffee, whatever - on an unpressurised evening and let your DH get on with it. Don't take your phone. Be gone an hour, maximum. See what happens. If it's not sucessful, try and work out why and keep repeating regularly until your DH is able to put her to bed himself. I had to do this when my DS wouldn't settle without me (needed to change from breast to bottle as was starting evening shifts) and it was surprisingly quick. You have to get out of the house whilst it's happeningn though because the cries can be heartwrending. But they are with the safest person in the world.

ThePieSmuggler · 12/07/2012 19:50

I just want to add my support OP, I'm in exactly the same boat, my EBF dd is 12 mths old and I still feed her to sleep, she won't settle for DH and often wants another quick feed before midnight (we co sleep which makes it a bit easier). I've not been out with friends either (tried once at Christmas but was home for 8.30 as she wouldn't settle). I find that I've started to respond to invites out with 'oh that sounds fun but I'm afraid I cant leave dd yet as she's still fed to sleep'. If they question it or suggest how I might overcome this perceived 'problem' I just say yes that would be good if it worked but I'm not prepared to stress her out trying, she won't be this small for long and I really want to put her needs first! It might be a bit mean but for them to carry on arguing they have to feel that their needs (ie to have tour company) are greater than the needs of a baby. So far nobody has gone this far. Hope that helps, I feel you've had a pretty negative response on this thread, please don't let it discourage you from doing what you feel is right by your child, I for one completely agree with you

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