How do you explain to child-free friends that you can't go out in the evening?

[CharlieMouseWillDoIt]

My 17 month old daughter has only ever gone to sleep for me (and even then its a struggle and takes about an hour). She was EBF until 6 months and I still bf her. Even though she doesn't fall asleep feeding any more, it's still the last thing we do as part of her bedtime routine.

During the first year, I felt OK telling friends the truth and saying that neither of us were ready for me to leave her at bedtime. Now that seems to be wearing rather thin. I was meant to be meeting friends tonight, but have made an excuse not to go, now I'm feeling all miserable. Not miserable about still wanting/needing to be there for my daughter's bedtime, but more about the gulf between me and my child-free friends. Even though I try to explain what being a parent is like, understandably they don't quite "get it". Any suggestion they make about simply getting a baby-sitter won't work if even my DH can't get my DD to go to sleep!

BTW - I'd be happy-ish going out after my DD is asleep, but this isn't often until gone 8pm and the journey to meet my friends will take over an hour so it isn't really do-able for a meal out.

What a nasty thing to say AThing.

Morning all!

I would love a proper evening in with my husband (or to have friends over!) but it's certainly not through want of trying. I don't want to give details for people to pick over here (I go on Sleep every so often when I need a whinge or specific advice), but I will say that DD is bathed and in her PJs by 6.30-7pm at the latest every day, so it's not a case of just leaving it to 8pm before putting her to bed. Even though she is clearly very tired, it takes her an extremely long time to switch off. Sitting with her for an hour in a darkened room (after a breastfeed) is the only way we have found that she can settle down enough to fall asleep. Her brain just seems to keep on going even after her body has had more than enough for the day.

As I said last night, this thread has reaffirmed my belief that what I'm doing is right for us. When I look back at what bedtime used to be like, we have come so far.

Someone mentioned upthread about going to mother/toddler groups to meet like-minded people. Luckily I have a good network of friends that I met through antenatal classes and also pre-pregnancy friends who also have babies - one of whom is also extended bfing, so we do turn to each other for support.

Good for you CharlieMouse.

Ignore the nasty comment above from AThing - unnecessay really. I am in the same position as you and take great offence at that 'spare prick hanging round' and patronising 'must be very rewarding'. Each to their own.

AThing, where has the OP said that?! Her DD might only fall to sleep with her, but that's just one part of a day, that doesn't mean he does nothing all day!

how about getting your friends round to yours one evening so they can see how hard it is to settle your DD? It may not make settling her easier, but hopefully then your friends will have a better understanding of what you have to go through, so they will be more sympathetic next time? you could invite a couple of them together, so they can talk to each other while you are dealing with DD.

"Even though I try to explain what being a parent is like, understandably they don't quite "get it". "

Because you're not a typical parent. Your friends probably think you're making excuses not to see them

maybe it's not typical to want to parent in this way but the OP is definitely not alone. Other mums I know were very keen to get themselves dressed up and out for glasses of wine with their friends but not all of us really want to do that. Each to their own; I don't think it's helpful for anyone to suggest that the OP should be doing things a certain way or that there is something odd about the way she has decided to parent.

If I am reading this correctly the op did not ask for people's opinions on her bedtime routine. I just think all this "you must make your dc go to sleep on her own" "bedtime should be 7pm" "you should address this problem now" is irrelevant.

Op, if I was one of your friends, I'd prefer you to say that you would rather be at home for bedtime, but happy to go out a bit later in the evening rather than arrange things and cancel.

I don't think you need to explain why, you don't have to tell people your dc won't settle or anything else, just say that's what you prefer for the moment.
I don't think people will understand it anyway, if you explain or not, if they don't have their own children but it's ok, they dont have to understand, just be a bit more flexible.

Whichever way you choose to do bedtime is up to you and your DH and your dc so unless youre actually asking for advice on sleep which I don't think you are, don't worry.
Deal with the bedtime in your way as and when you please!

And when you are ready for a night out, have a great time

I would be meeting your friends at lunch time then, rather than at dinner time. That's what I had to do when I was still BFing DS2 at that age. He only settled for me really. Most people do understand.

You just have to rearrange when you socialise with others at this stage, otherwise it takes more commitment to change your baby's routine.

And you shouldn't need to justify yourself to your childless friends. IMO you just need to say you cannot manage today, sorry. And say you'll see them another time. Life with a toddler is hard enough without having to justify yourself all the time.

Quick update - one of the friends announced that she was pregnant last night, so it looks as though our lifestyles will become more similar again sooner than I thought .

We are also going to meet for lunch one day once the olympics are over.

Ahhh you will become her new best friend as she'll want all your pregnancy and baby info

Good news for you then! And lunch time is a brilliant time to meet up with friends, it's a no brainer when you want to keep to your bedtime routine with LOs.

Have always felt, more so as I get older, that real friends will stick by you no matter what!
They are babies for such a short time, enjoy it OP!

Op - just wanted to support you too. I think you sound like a lovely mum and your dd still a baby. You'll know when you feel ready to go out for evening. Ignore all the "you must change routine" bla bla. If it bothers your friends they aren't friends. X