How do you explain to child-free friends that you can't go out in the evening?

[CharlieMouseWillDoIt]

My 17 month old daughter has only ever gone to sleep for me (and even then its a struggle and takes about an hour). She was EBF until 6 months and I still bf her. Even though she doesn't fall asleep feeding any more, it's still the last thing we do as part of her bedtime routine.

During the first year, I felt OK telling friends the truth and saying that neither of us were ready for me to leave her at bedtime. Now that seems to be wearing rather thin. I was meant to be meeting friends tonight, but have made an excuse not to go, now I'm feeling all miserable. Not miserable about still wanting/needing to be there for my daughter's bedtime, but more about the gulf between me and my child-free friends. Even though I try to explain what being a parent is like, understandably they don't quite "get it". Any suggestion they make about simply getting a baby-sitter won't work if even my DH can't get my DD to go to sleep!

BTW - I'd be happy-ish going out after my DD is asleep, but this isn't often until gone 8pm and the journey to meet my friends will take over an hour so it isn't really do-able for a meal out.

I don't get it either. And I have children. You can go out in the evening. You choose not to.

I hope I didn't sound negative.

THe think I see that is strikingly different about your post PieSmuggler, and the OPs, is the OP doesn't seem entirely happy with the situation as it is- 'the gulf between her and her friends' whereas you seem very happy with the way things are. (which is great ) If the Op sounded completely happy about it, I would have told her to smile at her friends and say 'I wouldn't want to miss my evenings together as a family'.

I would just tell them straight and say could they please respect your decisions about getting babysitters.

However, as someone with two children I can see your friends POV. My best friend has a close friend, whom I am also friends with, who is at the mercy of her children and her life is all about them. She can also be flakey and pull out of nights out if there's the slightest issue. It's fine and her decision; it's not 'wrong', but what your friends are asking of you is not unreasonable, especially at 17 months post birth.

My best mate says it's one of the things she likes most about me - that being a mother hasn't particularly changed me. Don't get me wrong; I bang on about DCs and their little ways to anyone who'll listen, but I still have my own identity & life.

See I read it as "I want to go out and see my friends, but I can't because if I do, my dd will scream the house down the whole time I'm out" (but maybe I am projecting !)

OP can you come back and say which take on your situation is closest to the truth?

I've been there. I understand about having to be there for bedtime, DS wouldn't settle for anyone else either. I got round it by meeting friends on weekend daytimes, or having them come to us for drinks and dessert (so that I didn't have to plan dinner whilst doing bedtime, lazy but it worked.)

Now it is easy for me to go out (to give you hope). As soon as he started to properly talk and understand I was able to wean him from BF (he'd dropped to once a day, just before bed. I bribed him with a celebratory cake and Postman Pat paper plates, that was the clincher, but I digress...) and he will also settle easily for DH, with no tears. This was age 2yr6months. It doesn't take that long for everyone though and I probably could have forced the issue at 2yrs but I didn't want the tears and stress, we waited until he was ready.

I've no right to say what is wrong or right, just as no-one else has. There's no need to force yourself to stop doing bedtimes if that's not going to work in a way you are happy with, because it won't be this way forever! But if you resent it (i.e. that you are the only bedtime possibility) then you could think of putting a plan in place to change it. But if it doesn't bother you, then just think of other times you can meet your friends. It's not forever, you've already done the hard slog!

Well if you wanted to go out with them, you'd find a way, so you're obviously not too bothered. Which is fine, just tell your friends you want to stay home instead?

It is ok to go out and enjoy yourself though, you know.

If you wanted to go, it might be worth a try - by about 14, 15 months all of mine understood if i wasn't there at bedtime and went off to sleep much better than they did when I was there, little sods nicely for other people. And it wasn't through practice because I had been there for every single bedtime until that point. I understand it can be hard to do that, so how about going somewhere closer to home with the firm understanding that you will be called home if she gets upset?
On the other hand, if you're not ready yet then just say that - I'm not ready yet but I will be soon.

I don't think it is about a gulf between you and your childless friends. i have three children and wuld find it very difficult tounderstand why you can't leave your daughter for one evening. The worst that will happen is that she might take a while to settle. You might find she's fine though and you get your evenings back.

I think what I was trying to say is why don't you start 'training' your DD to accept that you won't be there sometimes on nights that don't make you feel under pressure, rather than having the stress of going out with your friends and being on edge. At least if you've tried on a few relaxed evenings and it doesn't work you may be more accepting of the situation.

And Sex and the City makes brunches look very appealing. You could have a Bucks Fizz and everything!

I feel this way too, baby is 8 months old and not ready to go leave her unless she is asleep. The most I ave left her is 4 hours during the day with oh. I just go out after she's down for the night (7pm).

I do understand where you are coming from and think there is way too much pressure, from other mums as well,mot just snap back to your old life. Having my dd has changed means I don't want to go out left right and centre, I enjoy spending all my free time with her.

Could you suggest lunch or brunches ad bing your baby with you?

It can be hard explaining something like this to friends, I know there are some things about being a parent I struggle to explain to certain child-free friends (my issue is timings, our friends can be flaky with times but with a small baby who likes her routine, timings are very important for us!) so I can understand it must be frustrating to know that your friends aren't understanding what you are try to explain.

However, I also understand why your friends might be a bit put out by this, as it sounds as if they are. For a lot of child-free friends, when their friend has a baby they can feel as if they are losing a large part of their friend - in this case, your friends have lost the old friend who used to be able to go out in the evening. It's not unreasonable of them to feel a bit hurt/awkward/sad about this, and I think after a year and a half (and possibly plus the time you were pregnant as well) they might really miss seeing you for a night.

Obviously you can and should only do what you and your family are happy with, but as other posters have said, maybe experiment with your DD settling with your DH by leaving the house for ten, fifteen minutes? Just so that when the time comes and you feel ready to go out with your friends, or for you and your DH to go out together, your DD might be ready to settle with someone else?

well, she could see her friends at other times? Srely good friends won't stop wanting to see her just because she can't go out at night? Maybe the op needs new friends.

Hopefully OP hasn't returned to this thread as she's out enjoying herself

I have to say no to loads of stuff as I'm on my own in the evenings.

I just get imaginative with other ways to see friends.

Well, to be fair, I don't think it's just child free friends who don't get it. I have 3 dc, and I don't 'get it' either. Of course you can go out in the evening. The point is, you are choosing to be a martyr. Now, that's fine if that's how you want to live your life, but just tell your friends straight - "I prefer to be the only one ever who puts my dc to bed, and I prefer doing that to going out with you, sorry", rather than "making excuses not to go" and letting them down when something has been arranged.

I sympathise with you, OP. I am on my 3rd baby in 4 years, and each of them is like yours - and I don't feel comfortable leaving them until they are around 2, and are happy going to sleep with someone else. I have had the odd night out/away, mostly for work reasons. Many friends don't really understand, and I don't think it's possible to explain to those not in the same situation.

The biggest thing - I think - is that I don't resent this at all, I am quite happy having several years away from my social life. It's a tiny fraction of my life as a whole. I am pretty tired, I get up very early and I don't want late nights out. I enjoy meeting up with friends who are willing to accept my more limited availability - coming to my house, or daytime family-type meet ups. And I have accepted that my friendships with those who don't or can't adapt to that have waned somewhat.

DC3 is the last, so in another year or so, things will change and I will be more available again (though not to the extent some childless friends might expect). So then those 'waned' friendships will have a chance to rekindle, and if they don't then it probably wasn't worth it anyway.

That's not for everyone, but it works for me.

Hello everyone and thanks for your responses. Sorry for the delay - putting DD to bed :-)

I guess the truth of the matter is that I'm not worried about going out in the evenings with friends at the moment and that I'd much rather be at home putting DD to bed.

I did go out with this group of friends in the evening a couple of months ago. DH spent an hour trying to settle our getting-increasingly-hysterical DD before resorting to taking her for a walk in the pram at 8.30pm to get her to stop crying and to eventually go to sleep. (As an aside, I am working on getting DD to fall asleep by herself in the cot by doing gradual withdrawal, but she gets a little bit upset even with me sitting a few feet away and it takes her a good hour to calm down and actually fall asleep.)

When I went out for dinner with these friends they were amazed that DD would only go to sleep for me and were verging on disgusted when I told them I was still bfing (bitty jokes abound). I guess that's why I clammed up this time around and decided to tell a white lie about why I couldn't come out, rather than tell the truth and feel the need to justify my parenting choices.

We have suggested meeting up for weekend lunches but the last few months everyone has either been travelling for work/going away on couples weekends/moving into new homes etc. Again, I guess that explains my "increasing gulf" comment - they are all a few years younger than me and one of them is a gay guy, so no-one else is really contemplating having a family yet.

Maybe you just need to accept that for a few years you may drift apart a bit. I suspect you'll find that in a while your dc will be older, some of them will have families, and you'll all have got a bit older, and then your lives will move back into synch again.

i'm sorry you haven't had more support here, OP. It sounds to me like you don't want to leave her, so don't! It doesn't matter how old she is, or whether other people think you should be able to leave her. if you don't want to, then dont'. she's still a baby. I have bf and coslept with both of mine and I absolutley understand what it feels like when everybody else is able to go out without a problem, but for me the way we did it was perfect, and going out had to wait. I went out very occasionally in the evening in the first year and left dd with my dh, inevitably to get a phone call to come home after a couple of hours, but at least I'd shown my face. it's gradually getting more and more as they get older and I'm getting my social life back properly, which is great, but I haven't regretted the way I did it because I had children who needed a lot of night parenting, and i wanted to be there to do it.

you can maintain friendships by having them over to yours, no?

The thing is, there isn't a way you can explain this which doesn't amount to saying to your friends "it's more important to me to put my daughter to bed than to see you". That's your choice of course, but it's inevitable they'll draw conclusions from that...

minipie - no more so than the OP could draw conclusions from the fact that they can't make themselves available for weekend lunches . . .

OP, now you've explained the situation a little more, I think if I were you I would stick to the truth with your friends - that bedtime is an important part of your day with your DD and you don't want to miss it as she is still so young. If I was your friend I think that would actually make more sense to me than trying to explain how she won't settle without you at the moment, as if you've never had a baby you can't begin to imagine how quirky they can be and probably will just think, 'oh ffs, just let her dad put her to bed!'.

But stay in touch with them, even if it is just odd phone calls and emails and lunches. One day they may have children and will understand and appreciate your support.

Ah hadn't spotted that. Yes, the OP could draw that same conclusion if they won't do weekend lunches.

hopefully the conclusion they will come to is that small children are more important than going out for a few drinks and perhaps we should arrange to see CharlieMouse at a better time.

I partly get where you are coming from, and I suspect that individual parenting approaches have influenced some of the 'what's the problem' posts on this thread.

I am also an extended bf-er (have just finished at 2 yrs 10 months, boo!) and have handled the vast majority of bedtimes myself. However, I do also bear in mind the example of my sister who had her first evening out no less than eight years after having her first baby....

So I have still gone out from time to time and, although there have been a couple of rocky evenings, on the whole my son has settled for others - even though they use completely different approaches. He will settle for other people in ways that he never does for me!

It may be that in a couple of months time, she will settle for your DH in a way that she does not now and this problem will no longer be an issue. I would do some trial runs, maybe a few days on the trot, then see what happens...

I understand now your friends arent actually very nice if they take the piss out of you for breastfeeding your baby. Tbh breastfeeding aside (mine both ff) I wouldnt like going out before they were asleep either.... but 8pm is quite late - cant you just find some nicer friends closer to home and try and move bedtime forward a bit? Sorted