How do you explain to child-free friends that you can't go out in the evening?

[CharlieMouseWillDoIt]

My 17 month old daughter has only ever gone to sleep for me (and even then its a struggle and takes about an hour). She was EBF until 6 months and I still bf her. Even though she doesn't fall asleep feeding any more, it's still the last thing we do as part of her bedtime routine.

During the first year, I felt OK telling friends the truth and saying that neither of us were ready for me to leave her at bedtime. Now that seems to be wearing rather thin. I was meant to be meeting friends tonight, but have made an excuse not to go, now I'm feeling all miserable. Not miserable about still wanting/needing to be there for my daughter's bedtime, but more about the gulf between me and my child-free friends. Even though I try to explain what being a parent is like, understandably they don't quite "get it". Any suggestion they make about simply getting a baby-sitter won't work if even my DH can't get my DD to go to sleep!

BTW - I'd be happy-ish going out after my DD is asleep, but this isn't often until gone 8pm and the journey to meet my friends will take over an hour so it isn't really do-able for a meal out.

out of my 5, 4 were like this and needed me for bed time, even dd who was/is bottlefed has only started going to bed for dp fairly recently. tbh i just figured they are only little once and they all get their eventually! so i went out once they were in bed, ie 8pm ish or met up with friends during the day. most of my friends all have children tho so were understanding that sometimes this is just the way it is.

it is a pita but its not forever and you have suggested alternatives, so not sure what else you can do.

as for the bitty jokes, well some people just dont get it! your dd is still little! if faced with the bitty jokes again i would maybe just point out its recomended to bfeed till at least 2yrs and then change the subject of conversation.

charliemouse I know it's of no help now, but hopefully in a few years at least one of your friends will look back and understand with hindsight. I will confess to being gloriously ignorant pre children and would absolutely not have understood why you don't just plonk baby in cot and walk straight out to the pub!
I think you are getting an overly hard time here, it is no fun being out knowing your baby is screaming at home. As others have said, she will eventually settle fine for your dh- for my dd I would have said it didn't happen reliably till about 2.5-3yrs, at which point of course I cocked up my blossoming social life with dc2's arrival!

It's been really interesting reading these responses and it has helped me to sort out my own feelings about this issue.

I guess inviting friends to us could be a solution. My only (admittedly perceived) slight issue with that is that we're in the deepest, darkest suburbs (a 40 min train journey from central London) and my friends are scattered across north, southwest and east London, so meeting centrally after work does make sense to them and it's quite a schlep to where we live. But, as I say, unless I make the effort to invite, I'll never know whether they'd make the effort to come out to here.

I'm so tired tonight that I'm off to bed in a minute. Even if I had gone out, I'd probably be snoozing in my pasta!!

I didn't have this problem. Becasue I made sure that both ds1 and ds2 settled for dh, even though I was bf'ing.
Sometimes mums give the impression that they like the fact that their babies won't settle for anyone else, becasue it makes them 'needed'.

Dh and I always shared the putting to bed when they were little....I was desperate to have evenings to myself, and they were always in bed by 6.30/7.
I just couldn't envisage having to lie with them, or creep out of the room.
Each to their own.

Hello, I am in the xact same position. Breast feeding, cosleeping, no family around and a husband who often wan't home until late meant I could never get my little girl to settlor without a feed and cuddles. She is 2.8 now and I have a 5 month old. It looks like thins are heading the same way with him. Bi still cuddle my little girl to sleep when I can but she does accept her daddy doing it sometimes if necessary. She was over 2when I first left him to put her to bed, but se had just stopped breast feeding to sleep so it was ok.

Sorry for shocking spelling and typos, I should have proofread before posting!

Sorry OP, I know that was kinda "case closed" but I feel strongly on this one! :o

I've had (and have!) a similar issue, as DS1 was always fed to sleep and then DS2 was born so we now have 2 to put to bed. DS1 (2.7yo) requires DH to stay until he falls asleep and I BF DS2 to sleep.

Childless friends just don't get it. But to be blunt, yours sound a bit shit anyway. Who are they to make judgements on your "extended" BFing??

Go to some parent and toddler groups: they can be awful but you can meet like-minded souls who are going through the same stuff as you.

Another poster up thread said "My best mate says it's one of the things she likes most about me - that being a mother hasn't particularly changed me." Well, becoming a mother has changed me fundamentally. My priorities have TOTALLY shifted. It's not about being a martyr. It's my choice to put my children's needs first above everything, including my social life which sucked anyway.

I'm losing contact with my "best" friend of 20 years - she's not got/doesn't plan on having children - and despite my best efforts we just don't seem to be on the same page anymore. It's sad, but if she ever does have a baby and wants to get back in contact, I hope I'll be more understanding because at least I've been there!

Good luck OP. As my dad says, "the ones who matter won't mind and the ones who mind don't matter".

well we tried to get ours to settle with dp, right from when they were tiny and it worked with one of them, tbh i think that was more because he sucked his thumb and would settle himself (ds4) but ds1, ds2 and ds3 all wanted me and would scream the place down and i tried going out etc so i wasnt around. and then dd was bottlefed after 3mths (the others all bfed till 3yrs) but despite dp giving her bottles and doing hte same routine etc she wouldnt settle for him until she was over 1yr, and then it was a gradual thing. dp has always been very hands on and involved etc but still 4 out of the 5 wanted me and only me for bedtime, believe me we tried to get them to settle for dp and i wanted them to at times, but it just didnt happen. even now dp can take dd upstairs to bed and as long as i stay downstairs then its fine but if i go upstairs and she realises i am upstairs then she then wants me and not dp. so i make myself scarce!

I agree that if you're OK with not going out, that's fine, and certainly your friends have not been very kind or understanding about it (I stopped telling people I was bfing after about 7 months for exactly this reason). But one thing I'd say is that it does sound as if bedtime is a real struggle and is very stressful for you. I would really try to address that, regardless of the feeding part of all this, and regardless of whether or not you want to go out, just to make your evenings at home (with ) less angsty.

I know you've said you are trying gradual withdrawal - what is your bedtime routine like atm? You said in your OP that she will only sleep for you and 'even then it's a struggle and takes about an hour'. Is it much, much worse if your DH tries it?

Do you have the capacity to I invite a few friends over to stay the night, say on a Friday night Charliemouse? Then you not only have an opportunity for a great night in but extra helpers in the morning to entertain and look after lo while you whip up a fab brunch!

I don't see there being any badge of honour for gettIng out in the evening when your babies are tiny, if they need you they need you.

Caz10 has it. This is just the way it is at the moment. As with all things early years some mums will get it, some won't, some childless friends will be sympathetic, some won't, some of each camp may look back at some point and get it at a later date. If the alternative is you having a shit time worrying about what's going on at home then there's not much point just yet. It won't be for much longer.

I have a child, and yet I most definitely fall in the camp of you child free friends in being a little about this.

If you are happy with not seeing your friends, then this is not an issue. However, if you miss having a life beyond your daughter, then I suggest you get a little firm. Otherwise your daughter is going to have you by the scruff of the neck by the time she is 3 years old!

Your daughter doesn't NEED you to get to sleep. She WANTS you. For the massive majority of the time, you are able to give her what she WANTS, which is wonderful and what we as mothers do. However, very occasionally she is going to have to experience not getting what she WANTS. There is no question of NEED here. You may like to think that, but really it is not the case. Your DH can do it, and then eventually a babysitter can do it.

Sorry to be brusque, but you need to buck up.

Yes. What woudl be the worst thing that could happen?

That she would cry. For how long? She might actually be fine, but you will never know if you never try.

Just try it, and see how it goes...

If you give your. Dh a chance it may well work.

If you both want to....,maybe it suits him that you do this bit, and it suits you feeling indispensable...?

well i disagree bbface as i said 4 out of my 5 needed me and it was a need, they are only little once and they all eventually learnt to go to sleep with dp putting them down, it was a gradual process and just because the op stays with her now does not mean that by age 3 she will have her by the scruff of the neck! thats just tosh.

it sounds like the op is alreayd working on bedtime anyway, using hte gradual withdrawl technique, which i did with mine as well btw op, it isnt a quick fix, but it does work.

there may be a time when her dh HAS to settle her, but at the moment he doesnt have to, the op is happy to do it. btw op these things change very quickly, your dd is still little at 17mths! you will be amazed how quickly she grows up in the next 6mths or so :)

I put mine bed when little ( bf)

Then i got dh to help a bit, then a bit more...then he took over stories and bed.

Take it slowly you can switch over to dh in a month without to much upset.

Childless friends will only understand when they get babies i'm afraid!

Even if Op doesn't want to go out with her so-called-'friends', doesn't she want an evening?
You are supposed to put children to bed , ya know. And have an evening with your 'dh'. Children are re-known as going to bed at 7pm you know.
My kids have gone to bed at 7pm since the day they were born. Doesn't always work. But most people aim for it.
That allows you to spend quality time with your husband. That is important aswell.
I don't think her going to sleep at gone 8 is doing her any favours, or you, anyone.
Maybe trying some gentle sleep training. starting earlier and cutting down on her daytime naps, might be the answer.
Then you might have a bit more energy.

Someone may have already suggested this but how about arranging a lunchtime weekend meet up. Just you and friends, no kids.

I disagree with the posters who have said that her daughter doesn't need her. If she become hysterical and can't sleep without her then that is a need in my opinion. My DS is the same age and I have actually left him fairly regularly overnight from a few weeks old but he has always been just as happy to have a bottle and cuddle with DP than boob and cuddle with me. My son now self settles after doing gradual withdrawal but until he did I felt like he needed either myself or my partner to be with him whilst he fell asleep.
Oblomov Who said you are supposed to put children to bed at 7pm? Nearly everyone I know in the uk has put their children to bed at 8 or 9 and friends in Greece don't put their children to bed until about 11. I really don't think her bed time is a problem unless her parents feel it is. My son naturally wants to go to sleep around 7.30 now but I always preferred a later bedtime as I liked the lie in.

I would be wary of being quite so cavalier as some posters about losing friends.

Sure, toddlers are important but so are friendships and both need to be looked after.

If you ditch seeing your friends entirely for several years, your relationships with them will change and possibly atrophy.

Maybe being the only person who can put a 17 month old to bed is worth risking these friendships, only you can judge that.

There are enough posts on MN by lonely mothers with no friends at all to give me pause when someone is advised to ditch a whole friendship group because they are disappointed not to see you.

That info is a bit different OP.

In which case, I would smile and tell them that your daughter needs you in the evening, she's only young once and once she, and importantly, you are happy to be apart in the evenings is happy to be left you will certainly be out again swigging Tia Maria with them.

If they still make snide remarks, I'd dump them, they sound not very nice anyway - dictatorial and disgusted - and you seem quite nervous about being around them.
I had quite a few 'bitty' jokes from my child free friends when they saw me BFing and found it pretty funny but maybe it's because it was said in good humour and not a hint of disgust. you should definitely not hang around people who are upsetting you.

The main thing is to make sure that you are getting a break, some way or another. If you can't be bothered to go out, fair enough, your friends will lose interest. But you really need to make sure you have other things in your life, and have opportunities to be a person, not just 'mummy'

blimey - I would rather my son go to bed at half eith than spend a fruitless hour and a half trying to get him sleep which is what would happen if we aimed for a seven o'clock bedtime.

*eight

I'd happily happily have a couple of evenings where putting a toddler to bed was harder work than usual to make sure I had evenings free to spend with my husband or going out occasionally.

It must be very rewarding to believe that your child's "needs" can only be met by you, and his father is just a spare prick hanging around to bring him to the park occasionally.