What's it really like with two?

[Cbell]

I know it's a very general question but I find myself pregnant with baby number two (unplanned: failed coil) and am not sure if I want more.

All I can think about is how hard it will be and how much I will miss enjoying my DD (17 months)

Very sad

lovechoc, it may be your truth, but I don't see why you think everyone else is lying. I have the same gap, mine are a year older than yours, and sure, it's tiring, but it is ace, and I'm more than delighted to have two.

thatisnotall I don't mean the feeding and dressing part with the eldest one, I mean just the overall situation with both children. The eldest gets bored easily with toys, stuff to do, etc, so yes it is hard work. But it is my own experience, not representative of everyone else's! Happy to add that bit in..

But as I said, once the eldest one's in school it will get easier. I think I'm just rubbish with babies/toddlers!

habbibu glad you find it a breeze. I hate tiredness so for me this stage is hard work. Once they're fending for themselves and I can get my life back I'm sure it will be okay again :)

I didn't say I found it a breeze, did I? I said it was tiring, yes, and ds is a shit sleeper - it's absolutely reasonable for you to post how hard you find it, but not to say that that is the reality for everyone. fwiw, it does get better - dd is in school and ds will start playgroup next year, and hours can go by now when I hardly see them - apart from stepping in to be peacekeeper every now and then.

Sorry - I could have been a bit less terse there. I think you'll find the next year much better, and the companionship they have with each other will really start to kick in, as the wee one will be much better at playing.

I think it just depends on the moment for everyone posting here. One hour I'd say god hard work the next wow amazing.

It might be telling to look at who is at what point. I'm sure 4 and 6 is so different to NB and 2 that comparing it is pointless.

And you so forget the hard bits of the first year. Until I check diaries/baby book in my mind dd1's first year was easy and amazing - hah!

I guess the answer is there is no answer :) If it were a horrible experience then nobody would go on to have 3 (or 4, or 5... my neighbor is expecting number 6 :) ) except by accident! But some people enjoy babies and toddler and some don't, some babies sleep well and are contented and easy and others wake every hour for the first 2 years and their mothers (and sometimes I guess also fathers...) feel like the walking dead... but those differences apply whether you have one child or two, or more, so I don't think they answer the question of what having 2 children is like, it is as different as the children and parents involved I guess.

My DC3 is a very poor sleeper - at 11 months he was up wanting to feed 5 times a night, slowly he is improving but he still never sleeps past 5.30am and it is very rare that he won't have been up a couple of times in the night. Of course this makes having 3 children tiring BUT it isn't having 3 children that's tiring, it's having a baby who doesn't sleep well - having a poor sleeper makes having a child or children tiring, it doesn't really transfer to answering a question about what having more than one child is like - I think that makes sense?

One of the reasons I say I found 2 easier than 1 in many ways is my first born is an intensely sociable child who can't bare to be alone, and her brother's company (now both her brothers) takes the edge off the rather intense demands she makes on me! Now of course she is old enough to have a constant stream of friends around too, but still there are times when friends are unavailable, and then she has her brothers and I don't have to play pretending games any more, yay :)

I just could not imagine going through sleepless nights again with another child, now understand why most people stop at two. I really don't know how people do it. Again and again and again. Thanks habbibu sounds like it does get better over the next year or so once the eldest is at school full day. My youngest cannot start nursery until next August.

I think the jealousy thing also plays a part with the three year age gap. You have to have your wits about you the whole time, and cannot leave the baby unattended incase something happens (perhaps why I'm still a nervous wreck).

I also apologise habbibu my comment about it being a breeze was a bit off

Ach - sleeplessness can make anyone a bit tetchy. To put it mildly. It will get better!

Again I've not had the jealousy thing with either a 2 or a 3.5 year age gap - the only jealous ones are dc3, who pushes his older siblings away if they come for a cuddle while I am holding him sometimes, and maybe dh ... I've never had cause for concern about leaving DC3 with either of his siblings, and quite quickly after DC2 was born I felt OK leaving him with DC1 in a room for a moment while I went to the loo or similar. I have heard from others that 3 years is prime age for jealousy, but in fact my 4 year old usually entertains my 1 year old (in his room) so that I can shower without him howling the place down - the siblings take the edge of his rather intense separation anxiety and it is the only way I can shower guilt free Mon- Fri as DH leaves very early for work!

Different for everyone, but I don't think the OP should be left thinking it is going to be horribly hard, as for most people there are hard parts but over all I would say 2 is definitely not twice as hard as one, for most people, and certainly for me I'd say over the years it has evened out so that I would say once they are 4 and 6 the older 2 put together are probably easier than if the eldest at any rate had been an only! (Mine are not in full day school either as we live in Germany and school is mornings only).

DS2 was only a couple of days old when DS1 said 'just put him in the bin he keeps crying'.

And he tried to fall on him, hit him, etc. I don't need to exhaust it any more, but basically I just would not feel safe leaving them to play together. I worry that anything could happen. I watch them both constantly (besides when I need to pee, or check on dinner - v small tasks that don't demand much time).

lovechoc - DS1 asked earlier if we could sell DS2 because he kept crashing through his game! He wanted me to put DS2 in the boot of my car and take him to Sainsbury's!

Even now at 5 and 2 Ilovechoc ? That really does sound hard, but honestly to those now expecting no. 2 it also isn't the norm I am totally sure!

My DS1 told his friend in all seriousness that I had had DS2 so that he had a brother to play with because DD goes to her friends' houses a lot! 3.5 year age gap and honestly I trust DS1 (will be 5 in Sept) with 13 month old DS2 as far as you can trust a child of that age obviously! When I was pregnant DS1 hit me in the tummy because I made the mistake of saying I couldn't carry him because it might hurt the baby in my tummy, so I was worried about the potential jealousy, but it honestly hasn't happened beyond DS1 sometimes wanting to pretend to be a baby too, which is fine and harmless if sometimes a little irritating (he is very big for his age, the same height as my 6 year old and heavier, so I don't really enjoy carrying him about) but it is only the baby who pushes or hits the big ones, never the other way around!

I am only saying all that so the ladies expecting no. 2 will see it doesn't have to be hard! But I think it is the luck of the draw with the kids you happen to have... I do think it is important to keep the older one informed in an unrelentingly postitive way about the new arrival though.

lol @ Alibaba Some of the stotters the eldest ones come away with eh!

I was nothing but positive about DS1 having a sibling, to be honest. We did everything we could, he even got a present from his baby brother! We did everything we could so that he wouldn't be jealous, but it still didn't make any difference. Even now, he sometimes says he wishes he didn't have a brother occasionally. What can you do??

No, I wouldn't trust DS1 for long with DS2 in the same room. DS2 has come out screaming on occasions if I've left the room for a short time and come back and something always seems to happen when I'm absent. Wish things could be easier!

I don't have any of the answers as I am also expecting DC2 (now 18 weeks pregnant). It wasn't an accidental pregnancy but it did happen faster than I expected and I felt really scared about it all up until a few weeks ago (of the what if they hate each other/will my career ever recover/what on earth is my life going to be like variety). I did feel quite worried and depressed (partly I think because I am the youngest of 4 children and don't have wholly positive family experiences). However, I can honestly say now that I have got to the stage where I have really accepted the pregnancy and am excited about meeting the new baby and introducing her older sister (currently 27 months) to her. We took DD to the park the other day and I just thought how much she would enjoy having a little sibling to boss about in the park and at playtime. I think if you look around you at playgroups/the library/swimming etc you see so many examples of lovely young sibling behaviour and lots of little brothers and sisters being lovely with each other. I think as well making good preparations will help, do you have family support, can you ask someone to look after each child for a couple of hours/week so that you can spend some special time with each of them? Take care and I hope it all works out for you and your family.

Luck of the draw with personalities then lovechoc - I think it sounds as though your eldest has been unusually challenging tbh! I hope it gets easier for you! I do remember a friend at uni telling me her elder brother regularly used to push her down the full flight of stairs when they were children! But they were close as adults!

Congratulations to all those expecting no. 2 :)

Mine are DD 16 months and DS 9 weeks. What I wasn't expecting was how DS reminds me of when DD was that age, which is lovely.

Bit hyped IME how much hard work two is (or maybe thats to come ) not smug just trying to give balance

Fine. Now they are 11 and 12. Well, most of the time

Actually, DD has been away on school journey and they were texting each other saying I love you and that they missed each other Tomorrow they will be back to bickering.

It was full-on when they were little, but it's hard to say if it would have been easier with a bigger gap.

Lovechoc
I know exactly where you are coming from. I have a 3 year age gap (4.5 and 18 mths) and my DD1 is terribly jealous.
There are moments when they do interact rather sweetly but most of the time I have to work at constantly keeping them apart. It's such a relief when DH is around as we can divide and conquer.
I love 1:1 time with them both and family outings but unless we are out and about keeping busy time alone with them can be very difficult with DD2 snatching something from DD1 and DD1 retaliating physically.

There are lots of tears from DD1 and I can see that having someone mess up your drawing and take your things/snacks must be really irritating. Having a newborn was much easier as they slept a lot but when DD2 got moving the jealousy really kicked in. I frequently have two bodies hurling themselves at me, scrambling up me, desperate to be first to be held, hugged, jogged around. Yes it can be fun but it can be very claustrophobic.

Also DD1 makes all the negative comments " why did you have to have a baby", "I don't want a baby living in this house", "DD2 stinks" and even "I want to kill DD2, I want to drown her".

Sorry if Lovechoc and I are putting a downer on the thread but sibling jealousy is a reality for lots of people and it's probably the worst thing about having two children.

It will be worth it though I think- in the end. As individuals they are smashing.

I'm surprised that people are finding 3 year age gaps especially hard. That's not to say I think they're wrong, at all, I'm just surprised because I would have thought smaller age gaps were harder.

That said, I have 3.5 yrs between mine - they adore each other BUT dd (the younger one) is very jealous and I sometimes wonder what it wouldve been like if shed been an older sibling - I think she might have been not very nice whereas ds just took to dd from the moment she was born.

Ds isn't an angel - he irritates dd but he knows the limits - he knows if he hurts her or is just plain mean we won't stand for it. Dd is harder because she's not quite 2 yet so she doesn't actually give a shit if I tell her not to hit / snatch etc.

A little bit of sibling rivalry is good for them anyways imo or so I tell myself

I have 2 1/2 years between mine and i'm actually really enjoying it. I SO did not expect to. Being heavily pregnant with a toddler running around too is what reins and internet shopping were invented for. I felt a lot of guilt at the thought of DS1 not being an 'only' any more but when i think what it will be like in a couple of years i feel better when I'll be outnumbered and my house will be a crater

There are without doubt times when i want to run for the hills screaming but I had those days when i only had ds1. I am fortunate that ds2 sleeps really well, those early newborn days are a blur, as are the ones when they decide to nap in shifts.

I agree with the previous poster who said they love their first even more now that they have two. I haven't had too much of a problem with jealousy but Ds1 does occasionally make a nuisance of himself for attention , he's 3 i'm guessing it would be unusual if he didn't.

Please don't panic about this OP as others have said better than me it is hard work but it's also indescribably rewarding sometimes

I've got a 22 month old DS and a 3 month old DD, and it is GREAT FUN!! I love it, and although I was nervous about how hard it would be... It is no where near as hard as I thought. I'd even say it is easier than when I just had one...

My son absolutely loves his sister (have to watch him like a hawk though as he loves to go in for kisses/cuddles) I can really see a bond developing and it is lovely to watch

thanks Gilberte now you are making me look less of a freak for posting what you did! It made it look as if I can't stand my children or being a mum when in actual fact I wanted my two children and they are both loved equally. Unfortunately, I cannot control the eldest and his feelings towards his brother. We also have one to one time with both of them, and the eldest still has moments where he gets very frustrated with his younger brother. Like everything, I'd imagine it gets much easier as they get older, teenage years, etc.