I just read a thread somewhere about mum shouting at ds. It wasn't me but I have been doing that all week. I feel so AWFUL :(

[PolkaDotHeart]

I don't know how I've become so grumpy and tired and irritated by everything. I feel overwhelmed. DH has not been around at all to help. It's no excuse how I've been behaving with ds (5). I have been screaming at him all week to just tidy up, eat, stop running around, to go to bed, to do as he's told. He didn't want to do his homework so I went and threw it in the bin and told him he's a f retard. When he wanted to do it, I said again that he's a twat and he'll be a fucking stupid twat when he's older so no more homework ever. Yipee! (Truth is I've tried very hard in the past, sitting down to read, do homework, make things fun, but am so incredibly tired with his attitude I just didn't want yet another fight and can't stand his sloppy attitude) He then went and got it out of the bin and did it quietly asking me for help. I feel so bad. He said he didn't want dinner one of the days so I told him to fuck off to bed then. He ran upstairs crying. I really feel like I will rip into him. I haven't been like this before, but I am turning into my worst nigtmare parent. Everyday there's been some incident where I have made him cry and I've lost control of myself. It get's worse with each holiday. What do I do.

Go to the doctor! Get some help.
And please don't ever call your DS such appalling names again - they're so damaging. He shouldn't ever have to hear the word you used, let alone have it applied to him :(.

What Thumbwich said.

I shout at my DCs sometimes - they can drive me up a tree with anger when they are being defiant/contrary/generally crap - but what you are describing is horrible abuse and your post frightens me for you and your son.Please try and get some help as it doesn't sound like you are turning into your worst nightmare parent, you are already being a nightmare parent.
What's good is that you recognise it.
I really hope you find a way to get help. Please.

I can be a bit of a shouter with ds when I'm tired or stressed (always apologise after) but I never swear at him or call him names. Your post is quite shocking. Please get some help.

You poor thing. You sound exhausted and very stressed and in my unprofessional opinion, depressed.

Thumb and Housewife are right though. This is extremely damaging for your DS but I think you know this and I respect you for coming here looking for help.

Do you have other children? Do you have family who can support you when your DH is away?

A couple of years ago I was in a similar boat to you OP. I was constantly losing it with DD, shouting at her all the time and on one occasion I even smacked her. This was the turning point for me and I went to the doctor and got help. I was depressed. My GP was great and I got the support I needed and have never reacted to DD's defiant ways like that again. Gradually her behaviour changed too as her confidence was restored and she felt loved and secure again. She is 7 now and we have a wonderful, strong and fun relationship.

Please please get help OP before it's too late.

I am promising myself- and ds- to never swear at him again. Ever! I am totally ashamed of myself. This is the lowest point of my life :(

You do really need to go to the doctor, Polkadot. Really really really - I don't know why your DH isn't around but you need help, possibly anti-depressants, possibly something else. I know your DS is not a baby, but perhaps you need some help from Sure Start (or Home Start, never quite sure what it's called), assuming that the Govt hasn't closed them all down yet.

It may be that there is some kind of parenting skills group that the doc can suggest to you as well - purely to give you some different coping strategies, as the ones you have now aren't working well for you.

While your promise is admirable, btw, I'd tone it down to something a little more easily manageable, purely so that you won't feel like shit if you do ever break it (it's a big jump to say you'll never swear at him again ever, lovely if you can manage it though!). Small steps - and you'll get there.

Oh god I do understand the total frustration, I can be very ranty and shouty with my 3, they quite often drive me totally insane. For example today I asked dd to go and get dressed approx 10 times, she then turned up in torn crappy trousers, I gave her suitable trousers, mucho arguments ensued. She also totally ignored my request not to climb a tree at the bus stop.

Ds1 was spraying perfumes everywhere in Boots, Ds2 was a total little git for the whole day, hit his siblings and managed to run across a main road (without being squashed thankfully).

Honestly if I can tolerate my little shitbags without insults and swearing (99.9%) of the time so can you.

You seriously need to recalibrate your responses and totally stop insulting your child, I do totally get mad at the children and shout at them, but if they were running off crying I would certainly know I had gone too far (fine chance, they just ignore me).

The name calling really has to stop, honestly I'm crappy and even I think that is shitty parenting.

How are you doing this morning OP?

I've done similar things op What changed it for me was suddenly realising what it was that i was really upset about. It wasn't actually anything to do with my children, although they of course can be difficult like all children.

I realised i was very, very upset and frustrated about something else in my life which i had no control over and couldn't change. The anger and frustration was coming out in the wrong place.

Realising this changed things instantly, i was able to distance myself from what was upsetting me and i was a calmer person. Its not perfect as i still have a temper (about to start a thread about my morning!)

I also found reading When you kids push your buttons and what you can do about it, helpful.

To those suggesting she see the gp, if it turns out she is not depressed what can they do?

Poopoo - I have already offered suggestions that the GP may or may not be able to help with - Sure/Homestart, parenting courses. But a first step would be to find out whether or not she is depressed, no?

Thumb. There's on need to be arsey! I just wondered what they could actually do for a non depressed person who is parenting in an undesirable way. My own gp offered no help whatsoever when i spoke to her about similar.

Ok, this thread doesn't have many messages and the OP seems to be a first timer? So I am hesitating to post but you never know, this might just help.

There is a huge difference between shouting at kids, which we all do when we are stressed, and calling them names. These aren't just names either, these are designed to inflict the most amount of hurt onto your ds, to make him feel worthless and stupid and unloved. Perhaps you are doing this because that is exactly how you feel yourself?

But what will happen is that your ds will honestly feel unloved. He will start to act up all the time because negative attention is all he is used to. Instead of being nice for cuddles, he will be naughty and will be called all kinds of horrible names again. That's just how he will think it works.

You need to get help. Start with your GP and ask for anger management and counselling. You obviously are very stressed (half term is always stressful) and may feel isolated and worthless yourself. You can only love others once you learn to love yourself.

Your ds is behaving exactly like any other little 5yo boy. You need to learn how to deal with his occasionally naughtyness without resorting to this. You need a plan. Therefore your next move should be to contact the Parent Support Adviser through the school. I am assuming your ds is at school.

You do not have to tell school why you want to see the PSA and they should not ask. I have seen mine because my ds was having anxiety problems. They are there to help support parents and everything you say to them is in confidence. Most PSAs run courses called Positive Parenting. I cannot recommend these courses highly enough. You get to meet a group of parents who are all experiencing problems with their children and with their parenting. It's not just a support group but it actually offers practical help that WORKS! Once you have a plan in place, you feel under control. You have a step by step solution that works no matter what the situation; whether he refuses to eat or refuses to go to bed or has a full-on tantrum in the supermarket, you will find yourself armed with a plan of what to do. This makes a huge difference.

The course also teaches you how to interact with your children in order to boost their confidence and encourage good behaviour. Personally I think every parent should attend such a course as it's just so very useful and it really does bring the parent back into control of the situation. You sound like you are losing control so this course would be right up your street.

You recognise that you have a problem. You know it is unacceptable and I'm telling you that your ds WILL be permanently damaged if you do not get help.

So, go to your GP. Again, you don't have to fully confide in him/her. Just say that you are finding things difficult, that you are having issues with anger and feelings of worthlessness and that you need to talk it through with someone.

Then ask the school to put you in touch with the Parent Support Adviser.

Other resources that can help are Family Lives, Relate for Parents and The Parent Support Service

That's good advice rubarb.

God, your poor son. He is five fgs. Five year olds run around, don't do their homework unless their told, piss about with food etc, etc. You really, really need to get some help because calling anyone at all a fucking retard is unacceptable, and you screamed it at your 5 year old. It is emotional abuse and you need to have a long hard think about how this will fuck your child up if you continue to treat him this way.

Does your husband know how badly you're treating your child?

Didn't think I was being arsey Poopoo - sorry you read it that way.

I second that this is emotional abuse and would amount to a visit by social services. I understand that you may also be suffering OP, but you also need to listen to cold, hard facts. Should your ds tell your husband, or a family member, or school what you have been saying to him, you could find your family breaking apart.

The scars of emotional abuse never heal. I should know, I suffered at the hands of my mother and stepfather. You will lose your son and everything you hold dear if you carry on this way.

Whatever demons you have, you need to confront them now. You don't get a second chance at parenting.

Rhubarb. Do they run those classes in the schools or elsewhere?

A friend of mine approached the teacher for help and found out about a parenting class but that was run by ss. They kept your records on file and a lot of the parents felt uncomfortable about that and dropped out which is such a shame. My friend though carried on going but didn't find it that helpful. She said it was too basic and would perhaps suit those who have no parenting or child experience at all.

", no?" always comes across as arsey

Please follow rhubarb's advice.

You cannot carry on like this, it is doing no-one any good. Please get some help

PooPoo, the courses are run entirely by the Parenting Support Advisors, social services are not involved. Parents details are only kept on record by the PSA and are not given to any other organisation without the parents' say so. Although obviously if they felt that a child was being abused they would have to act.

The OP does not have to tell (and I'm sure she probably wouldn't) the PSA exactly how she is treating her son, but she can tell the PSA how difficult she is finding it to manage his behaviour effectively and how little support she has at home.

The Positive Parenting courses are also called Triple P and are run throughout the year, often in empty school classrooms. They are aimed at parents who are having problems coping with child behaviour for whatever reason.

Do all schools have psa?

Yes they should have. One PSA may cover a number of schools but the school website should have details of their PSA, the days she/he is available and a number to call.

If they don't then you can just ask them who the PSA is and ask them to pass on a message for them to get in touch with you.

If the OP has stopped posting I hope she is still reading.

Op I a bit like this at one time in my life. Thank god I took advice and went to the GP. I had depression. I got support and help and it was the best thing I ever did.

Get some support. In particular read TheRhubarbs excellent posts. Take the steps you need to stop this.

I do hope the OP comes back and reads all the advice above. Rhubarb talks a lot of sense.

Pag, our stories are similar. It was the darkest time in my life. Getting GP support was the best thing I ever did too.