I just read a thread somewhere about mum shouting at ds. It wasn't me but I have been doing that all week. I feel so AWFUL :(

[PolkaDotHeart]

I don't know how I've become so grumpy and tired and irritated by everything. I feel overwhelmed. DH has not been around at all to help. It's no excuse how I've been behaving with ds (5). I have been screaming at him all week to just tidy up, eat, stop running around, to go to bed, to do as he's told. He didn't want to do his homework so I went and threw it in the bin and told him he's a f retard. When he wanted to do it, I said again that he's a twat and he'll be a fucking stupid twat when he's older so no more homework ever. Yipee! (Truth is I've tried very hard in the past, sitting down to read, do homework, make things fun, but am so incredibly tired with his attitude I just didn't want yet another fight and can't stand his sloppy attitude) He then went and got it out of the bin and did it quietly asking me for help. I feel so bad. He said he didn't want dinner one of the days so I told him to fuck off to bed then. He ran upstairs crying. I really feel like I will rip into him. I haven't been like this before, but I am turning into my worst nigtmare parent. Everyday there's been some incident where I have made him cry and I've lost control of myself. It get's worse with each holiday. What do I do.

I agree with Rhubarb, don't pin your hopes on CBT or getting a job or your relationship with DH.

Change the way you relate to DS today.

Perhaps if you socialised with other mothers with children of the same age you will realise just how normal your little boy is and how all the mothers have the same worries and anxieties. They might give you a few pointers on how to deal with it.

I agree with Callisto. You sound disappointed that your ds didn't turn out the way YOU wanted him to. You are watching him for any signs of his dad as excuses not to like him. You have a huge problem here and if your posts are anything to go by, you remain determined to blame your son and do nothing about it.

If you love your ds then you would recognise what EVERYONE is telling you. That the problem lies not with your ds but with you. So stop making excuses and start getting help.

Rhubarb - what I meant by it's getting worse with each holiday has never been this bad. I mean I'm on here to be brutally honest. It's not RL so I have nothing to hide. The more honest I am, the better it is for me. Why come on here and give you half a story, which wont help anyone. If I've shouted at him before it was never like this.

Now something has changed. I seem to have suddenly become very disconnected and 'disappointed' like someone's said. The homework is making me become a stricter parent. I'm finding it hard to adjust. Instead of strict I've become 'crazed'!

Swearing at him and calling him names really is new. I have very professional friends who come round, family who look down on this kind of language, dh can't stand women who swear. I've always stayed away from people who use foul language. I never imagined I would be one of those kind of mothers that swears at her child. Yet I seem to have turned into one.

I have made a concious decision to change and to not use language like that in the house, let alone at ds.

I don't think it is necessarily the homework either. Just read my last post and it doesn't sound right. I do feel alone looking after ds. I don't have any friends that have children (at all).

Right, you've admitted what you do and you know it is wrong. That's the first step.

But if you read back through your posts you will see that your attitude towards your ds is very worrying.

You don't want him to be like your dh.
You don't like him running around and playing.
You think he might have ADHD because he has too much energy?
You want him to be more like you.
You can't understand why he wants to pretend to be Batman?
He irritates you with his very normal 5 yo behaviour.

Look, his behaviour will get worse because he is a child and he is behaving appropriately for his age. I don't think you are acting this way because suddenly you can't cope with his behaviour, your posts make me think that you've never understand this behaviour and will not tolerate it.

Have you ever spent much time around children of this age? Do you realise how normal his behaviour is? Does that fill you with disappointment?

If this was a one-off then you'd be telling us about some crisis or sudden change in behaviour from your ds or dh. But you are not. You are telling us about things that are normal everyday occurences and how they fill you will irritation.

I'm sorry but I don't think that this will change with a "conscious decision" from you. There is something wrong with the way in which you perceive your son. Your feelings towards him are wrong. Your expectations of him are wrong and that will not change overnight.

This will happen again. I can only urge you to seek help, I can't force you. But your posts are very disturbing. Those are not reasons to be getting disproprotionately angry and your expectations are not realistic or achievable. I have a feeling that this goes much deeper than you care to admit. Having a boisterous child along with a lazy husband has triggered deeper emotions within you and those need to be brought to the surface and dealt with. You can't do that alone.

But if you can't see that then I fail to see what else anyone can offer to you.

lambethlil - how do I change the way I relate to DS?

The only other friend I have who has a child, we meet up at the park because it's too stressful for both of us to have 2 boys jumping around and trying to destroy the house.

Make friends.
He goes to school so he must have playmates? Invite one of them for tea and get chatting to his mum. Once you see how other 5yo boys behave you'll start to see yours in a very different light and will realise just what a little saint he actually is.

Some of ds's friends are little terrors, they throw their food at the table, they completely wreck his bedroom, they are cheeky, they ask for crisps and chocolates and complain when I don't give them any, they jump on the furniture and they can scream louder than any girl! If I think that my ds is misbehaved then I only have to invite one of these friends round to completely change my perspective. And that, by the way, is also normal behaviour for excited boys. They are 8.

Don't isolate yourself. Join the PTA, get involved in the school activities, go to the assemblies, offer to help out in the classroom and then you'll get a real idea of how these children behave and what is normal. A friendly hello at the school gates works wonders. And if you invite a friend for tea, they will return the favour and you'll soon have a network of mums you can call on for a bit of relief in the holidays when it all gets too much.

Only a professional can help you change the way you relate to ds. You need to start by resolving those underlying issues you have.

How are my expectations too high to have a 5 year old learn what a triangle is? Others in his class can do it.

And normally pretending to be Batman (I bought him the costume) is okay with me.

Ok, last post. Promise

The Parenting courses WILL help you. Ask the Parent Support Advisor about them. Not only will they help you to manage your own behaviour towards ds and formulate a plan to deal with every scenario but the course will also help your ds to become a calmer and more focused child.

The principle is that by praising and rewarding good behaviour and ignoring (to an extent) the bad, you are reinforcing that good behaviour and sending out a positive message to your ds that he gets lots of good attention for good behaviour and no attention at all when he is being naughty.

You also set rules for the house such as "No jumping off furniture" or "No screaming". Those rules are implemented with positive reinforcement. I promise you that the way you relate to your ds will change and as a result of that his behaviour will calm down and he will be willing to do more to please you as a result of positive praise and encouragement.

What's more, the course is FREE and run during the times when your ds is at school. So if you do nothing else, please enquire about the Triple P or Positive Parenting courses from your PSA.

I'm sure he can do things that others in his class cannot.

Children learn at their own pace. Nearly all the boys in ds's class can spell much better than he can. But it's no big deal. He'll catch up with a little encouragement and support. But I know that if I get all frustrated about it and demand to know why he keeps making mistakes and why he can't get it right, that will just set him back even further.

If he is struggling with his shapes then ease off and do something completely different. Then after a week have another go. Also take a look at the BBC childrens learning for lots of online resources that are designed to make education fun.

Stop comparing him. At this age they are all very different. No good will come of it if you constantly compare and you aren't doing his confidence any good either as he'll feel upset, anxious and worried and will think that he is rubbish compared to his friends. That's not a good state for encouraging a child is it?

Thanks Rhubarb. Very wonderful advice.

OP lots has been said here and so apologies if this has been said already but one thing is take the time to say sorry to your son and explain with a hug. It might help both of you but hopefully especially your ds. Whenever you feel like shouting maybe try hugs instead until the anger disperses. It would help you feel better and do more good. Even if you don't manage it at the time do it after asap until you can get this under control. It's difficult but they grow so fast. Hugs.

I used to get so stressed about homework. My child never concentrated or took it seriously. I've since realised that actually you have to go with that. They can't be forced to learn. Even if they could that would take the fun out of it and make them hate it.

He's clearly a boy who isn't ready for that sort of learning yet and needs to be out and about running and climbing. Go with that, spend your time at parks and soft play and swimming etc. They might not be the sort of things that you would like to do but it will make you calmer. He will burn off energy, and you can stop being stressed that he isn't the sit down and draw type. You just need to accept it.

From my experience boys and girls are very different like this and that's ok. My sons teacher was telling me how clear the differences are and how they work with that rather then trying to change it.

At the same time i would see your Dr, look into cbt for your anger and spell out to your husband that he needs to step up a bit. Not spending any time with his son is not acceptable.

Molehillmountain. Glad things are going well for you. Can you explain a bit about what your cbt involves?

Agree with Rhubarb, what she says makes a lot of sense.

Do have sympathy for you, Op, your post makes heartbreaking reading but you're the adult, the mother, your son is only 5 and looks to you for his care, support, you're the one person in his life who he should always be able to count on to be on his side.
I think you should be making the trip to the doctor, you clearly need help to regain your self control and regain the life and relationship with your son that both of you need.

You can change, because you're the adult and when he pushes your buttons you can choose not to react.

When a stranger cuts you up in the car or is rude in a shop, you don't swear and shout at them, do you? You don't even think of it because it would transgress all the rules. Fake 'calm Mum' at first then it will become natural.

The simplest way of explaining it is that I have to challenge negative thoughts with positive ones although it took quite a lot of unpicking to find out what my problems were all about. For me it was that I was a dreadful mother, that I was worried I was like my own mother and would therefore have a dreadful relationship with my daughter, and a lot of anxiety around dd1's friendships. So one of the things I explored was that idea that everyone else was the perfect parent. I have learnt to 'capture' moments of good parenting in my memory especially public ones that people see. Then, when I see a perfect looking moment between another mother and their dc I can go "and sometimes I look just like that". When I feel guilt and panic about my less than shiny moments I remind myself that others have their "shadow side" too. The panic that I was being a dreadful mother was counter productive as it all turned into a vicious circle. With my relationship with my mother I have learnt to find differences between the relationships in my immediate family with dh and the dc and that when I was growing up rather than similarities. It's a sophisticated way of talking to myself really. It isn't instant and I have times when I have reverted to previous form a bit but I have had two lots of four sessions, one when ds was born and one after dd2 and I could so clearly see that although I needed to get back on track the second time, things were not as bad as they had been. I am in a bit of a rough patch at the moment, dd2 sleeps badly and that always sets me back but I can see things getting better.

I've just had a prime example of putting it into practice. Have been mulling over my day and been really pleased with how I've handled some usual flash points, eg we have to hurry away from school because of ds's activity and dd1 usually moans about it. So I often get cross, forgetting that she's six, has had a long day a d would rather get home. Today I managed to distract her by taking about things coming up this week and the cake waiting at home. My negative self will then come back at me with "so what, hardly makes up for a the other times" and I have to sort of push that thought away. You do it enough times and you change your view of yourself. Hope that doesn't sound too weird!

No it doesn't sound weird at all. I've had cbt before for another issue, well rather i learnt it from a book so i would imagine it would be a lot more effective with a professional. Thanks a lot.

I find I can't talk to my dd in my "talking to adults" voice as then I'm sort of expecting them to behave like adults. It's not exactly joyce Grenfell in our house but using the mummy voice reminds me to change my expectations. On a good day

That's a very good point. My expectations are often way too high. Its only sometimes when i see my children from a distance that i remember how little and young they are.

PooPoo it helps in that I really respect and trust my counsellor and she sometimes tells me straight how daft(not her exact words) my thoughts are and sometimes she's very warm and encouraging. I will miss the sessions. I might see if she'd do a refresher once a year or so to keep me on track. My gp offers four sessions and just those is enough for me to be able to go it alone.

I haven't read the whole thread, and there are lots of things that could be talked about from what OP is going through. But wanted to chip in 3 things...

1. I recently had a period where I behaved much like a depressed person would, it stemmed from a period of significant stress, and while neither me nor the doctor can know for sure if it was or was not clinical depression or just a normal response to high stress, I am still accessing support for it in the same way, as it can only help. I was being very out of character, though in a different way to you, but to me the fact that you are behaving out of character says you need to tend to yourself and give yourself the support you need to get back to the 'fun shapes learning mum' and away from the 'throwing nasty names mum'.You are only human and have lots of emotional drains from what you describe - you can only lean on finite emotional resources for so long before they start to falter - so shoring yourself up is wise not weak.

1. If you are struggling to get him to concentrate in his normal environment, with all its distractions, how about a change of scene to get the homework done? So after school, instead of going straight home, go to the library and do the work there for half an hour, take a snack if need be, then pick up a nice new book as a reward and go home. He is less likely to run round being batman there and it keeps the homework battle out of the home, and in a purpose-built space. Could be a help for both of you to be in the right frame of mind.

1. I went to primary school with a boy who was not at all academic I actually remember thinking he was a PITA as he charged about constantly and would crash and bash and seemed (to my childish eyes) thick, as simple tasks were beyond him and he played up, was disruptive and wotnot. Then in my late 20's I was working in my shop when a customer came in who seemed familiar. It was him (with a lovely pleasant gorgeous girl), and we got talking... he was a really nice bloke who travelled extensively as a motorbike racer. He was highly successful and well known in his field and loved his life. He was never going to be a scientist but what mechanical thing he could not fix was not worth mentioning and he was doing well financially etc. The gorgeous girl was his wife. His life was rich and wonderful. So, yes we do all need reading and writing skills, but some people are much more physical and hands-on than cerebral and those skills are also much needed. I say this to give you permission to relax about his current state of play in the school work, in the hope that if you take the pressure off you can take stock and start again. If I had been pushed I would have said this guy was most likely to fail in life - but he was a long long way from doing that!!

I think that's why I have the biggest difficulty with dd1 too. Compared to her, the others will always seem little and so I expect less. I also have to remember how tiny the infants seemed when I taught year six and relate that to dd1. Mind games all of it but it does help.