I just read a thread somewhere about mum shouting at ds. It wasn't me but I have been doing that all week. I feel so AWFUL :(

[PolkaDotHeart]

I don't know how I've become so grumpy and tired and irritated by everything. I feel overwhelmed. DH has not been around at all to help. It's no excuse how I've been behaving with ds (5). I have been screaming at him all week to just tidy up, eat, stop running around, to go to bed, to do as he's told. He didn't want to do his homework so I went and threw it in the bin and told him he's a f retard. When he wanted to do it, I said again that he's a twat and he'll be a fucking stupid twat when he's older so no more homework ever. Yipee! (Truth is I've tried very hard in the past, sitting down to read, do homework, make things fun, but am so incredibly tired with his attitude I just didn't want yet another fight and can't stand his sloppy attitude) He then went and got it out of the bin and did it quietly asking me for help. I feel so bad. He said he didn't want dinner one of the days so I told him to fuck off to bed then. He ran upstairs crying. I really feel like I will rip into him. I haven't been like this before, but I am turning into my worst nigtmare parent. Everyday there's been some incident where I have made him cry and I've lost control of myself. It get's worse with each holiday. What do I do.

I just want to second what everyone else has said. It's not acceptable and you will end up really damaging your son.

You seem to blame your son for some of the way you behave:
'am so incredibly tired with his attitude I just didn't want yet another fight and can't stand his sloppy attitude'

None of this is his fault. None of it, he's 5.

This really disturbs me. I can see you're at your wits end but please try to take 2 secs before you shout at him like this. We all have bad days but if your bad days are getting terrible, get some help. I'm sure you love your ds to bits. Maybe a break fir a few days might help? Get this sorted before your guilt eats you up.

Polkadot - I came back to see how you were doing.

I hope I didn't sound too harsh in my post. I know how it feels to be so frustrated with your children. It's an awful, out of control feeling. I've seen some great advice on here.

I got a bit like this with my DD about homework a while back. It seemed to press all my buttons at once. And I decided that if I was coming close to being abusive to her (once smacking her arm because I'd had enough of her whining and griping and generally being rubbish at doing her homework) then I needed to take a step back from it all.
I would personally tell your DSs teacher that you need a break from doing homework with him till the end of term. That takes so much pressure off. When you finish school with him, go to the park, run around, have an icecream with him, love him and be the most wonderful mummy in the world. This is what I did and it made me realise that homework is a load of stressy bollocks for so many parents and children.
I know that is not the whole story, but it might just get you through the next weeks.

I hope you are ok. It's brave to admit when you are thrashing around and your emotions are all over the place. It's equally important to recognise when you are being overwhelmed. Talk to your DH. He needs to know what is happening.

Please think of the long term effects on your son OP. Your behaviour could have been me 12 years ago. Have been trying since to make it up to my DS (now a 19 year old). There are various reasons why I behaved like this towards him - (have 3 other DC), but it was my own inadequate parenting skills at the time
that led me to behave in this way. My own son now has serious self esteem issues to say the least and like other people have said - do not underestimate the effect emotional abuse has.
You have been really brave to post this and you must have enough insight into your behaviour towards your son to realise you must ask for help.
My DH still has no idea of the extent of my behaviour towards my DS2 & I sometimes get flashbacks to that time, but I have reconciled past issues & our relationship is fine now.

I know how you feel; this happens to me sometimes (I really shouted at DS today just because he threw his gravyed plate onto the floor and it went off the splash mat onto the carpet I cleaned... yesterday).

I have been checked for depression but don't have it - although it sounds like you should be assessed given what you've said about your own moods. I haven't been able to attend a Parenting course yet (because they start too early and DH doesn't get home until after bedtime - how ironic) but am down for the next daytime one when I can put childer in creche - I second this as a priority for you.

I was recommended the book 123 Magic - it's good when I behave myself (was too cross today so completely broke the 'no emotion' rule).

Also have been taking a cocktail of anti-PMT & tiredness pills; starflower, iron, vit B6. My PMT does seem to be better for it.

I really hope it works out.

Queen. Do you mind if i ask why you behaved like that and how you changed it?

Lots happened around the same time as I was behaving in this way. My son to whom I treated like this (totally ashamed by my behaviour btw) was eventually diagnosed with AS, I became anorexic and DH diagnosed with DVT in his leg which all seemed to bring me to my senses. I fet like I gained some control over my life again (with the anorexia)- it was a sort of epiphany in a way.
My son was behaving in a way in which I couldn't understand & his diagnosis gave me some understanding.
Still very much building bridges with DS, but he knows I think that me & My DH really do love him. (I remember saying that I didn't love him & other horrible things).
I seem to be a totally different person now, and looking back on the past I wonder how I got through it. Was never diagnosed with depression but I definately had dark thoughts back then.

Queen. I can relate i think. I went through a bereavement which resulted in depression, severe anxiety etc amongst other things. I was a very angry highly strung person then whereas previously i was completely different. I often wonder what sort of parent i would have been if those things hadn't happened.

I didn't cope at all and my baby was very difficult. A highly strung baby with some health issues. It was so hard.

It would be great if we could all be perfect parents all the time but sometimes other things happening in our lives really do affect the way we behave.

I try not to be too judgmental these days.

I am reading your posts, thank you for replying and for taking the time. I know it's wrong, that's why I am on here. I am just so angry all the time.

Do you know what's at the root of your anger op? It won't be ds, his behaviour is just a trigger.

Polkadot - if you need to talk, feel free to message me. I know how it is to feel so angry and I hope I could let you talk it out and work out why you are feeling this way.
Children are annoying often. It's hard to cope with that when you have background anger. So I really hope you can get help in a concrete way so that you and your DS can ride this out together. I can't get too upset with you as you can tell by your posts this is not something you aren't aware of and want to change. Thats a really good thing.

Polka dot-I have been pretty much how you are describing. I went to the gp and she sent me for c b t style counselling which has really helped. I'm hugely anxious about my older dd and that's the root of it really. I find it hard to let things go and have ridiculously high expectations for her behaviour which is really counter productive. We're also very similar and part of the anxiety comes from fearing she will travel the same path as I did. I don't have the same problems with ds - perhaps because he's a boy and inherently different. Anyway, that's a digression. I really think you should go to your gp. And (not that I practise what I preach ) think about sleep, diet, exercise and routines in your home. I see my anxiety like a pot. I can put so much stress into it and then it overflows with the result that I am cross with the dc over small stuff. Getting my house tidy and organised and sorting out as much as I possibly can the night before and eating breakfast immediately makes a big difference. You'll know what would help you. I also try not to overplan the days I am just with dd2 so that I can rest when she sleeps. Good luck, you can tackle this. My counsellor is hugely positive about how much progress I have made and how, at this stage, it can be turned around. Dd is six. Oh-another thing that has helped is apologising to the dd when I've been cross and reiterating that the "cross mummy" is wrong, that it's because there's something a bit wrong in my brain not with them and that i am getting help to change. Dd kind of gets it. We also play a bit of a game of where we're sendibg the cross mummy - off to space, that kind of thing. It helps us connect again. Of course, the ideal is not to get cross at all, but I think it's important to do the reassurance anyway. It's a bit of a path to get calm again and you won't get there overnight.

Anger is a very destructive emotion that can destroy those around you and yourself. You need to discover what is at the root of your anger. Perhaps being a mother has brought out some unresolved issues surrounding your own childhood? Perhaps you resent your son for changing your lives so drastically or perhaps you are disappointed in marriage and motherhood?

We are not psychologists but we can all see the damage that you are doing not only to yourself but to your son, who you are supposed to love beyond anything. This little being is dependent on you for his confidence, his well-being, his feeling of self-worth, his wholeness as a human being. You have the power to mould this child to become a great human being or a wreck. By calling him names and making him feel stupid and unloved, you are slowly eroding away everything that is good for him and you are making his childhood years very miserable indeed. The things that you are calling him cannot be undone with a hug, because you are reinforcing that message everytime you lose your temper.

You have to be hard with yourself now. You are the adult here, you make choices that can have huge effects and right now you are choosing to emotionally abuse your little boy and do nothing about it.

Don't just read these messages and then tell us that you have issues with anger. That does not excuse your behaviour. When your son is grown up and asking you why you screamed abuse at him, will that satisfy him as an excuse?

You have a huge problem and the decent thing to do would be to tackle that problem and not sweep it under the carpet in the hope it will go away. It won't go away. So deal with it.

The anger is misdirected. I'm angry about so many other aspects of my life.

1. DH not helping with ds. I didn't realise I'd become a 'single mum' when I opted to become a stahm. I am with ds all day, the only one. This wasn't how it was supposed to be when we decided to start a family. But I'm the only one who remembers those conversations.

Dh never takes him out or plays with him or spends any time with him and seems to have genuine stress from his work. He has back problems and goes to physio, knee injuries, business is going down. So I can't complain, or get another second of his time. DH helps at home by taking out the bin on occasions, and paying for bills, but it's like living with a lodger who pays the rent. I resent this whole set up. I have no one I can talk to about our son. I'm alone in it. Just me and ds. That's how I feel. I can't see how I can go back to work and look after ds and the home. I know DH would not help then either and my work is pretty full on with deadlines and overtime required as and when, so I'm lumbered.

2. Ds is struggling with his numeracy, shapes and phonics at school. I'm working with the teacher to try and support him on certain areas at home.

DS is a very energetic child. If he was more like me I could understand him. He is the spitting image and has the same nature as his dad. He is very fast, very sporty and extremely motivated when it comes to climbing, playing football, swimming, running. He can give grown ups a real race and almost win, and he's only 5. Maybe he'll do well in sports.
And like any normal 5 year old, he just wants to play.
Dh is blaming me for his struggling areas at school as I am at home all day. I would love to sit down with a child that wants to learn. A child that doesn't want to learn and only wants to run and jump and at any point might try and jump onto the sofa and fly off like batman is just beyond me. It really irritates the crap out of me. I can't do that mummy voice and repeat that he comes back. I seem to go from happy and calm to extremely angry. The house being a mess of toys relly drives me nuts.

I often fantasise about just walking out on ds and dh during my angry times. It makes me angrier - because I know I am stuck.

When doing homework, DS goes through the motions and still doesn't know what a triangle is. Sorry makes me so angry because I have been trying to teach him this for months, in various ways, making it fun, making shapes, cutting out (what he likes to do). He doesn't have ADHD, I've asked his teachers. He just is the joker of the group! Yes, the language was harsh. And I rarely swear and if you saw me you'd think I'm the most gentle sweet natured person, which isn't an act, I really am (was) like that and hate having to discipline a child, or anything. I used to prefer to withdraw from confrontations. I've never been good at asserting myself. I don't know how to go from calm to assertive and consistent and it's becoming a very horrible habit.

DS was very like you describe your son at that age. But it is very normal for a 5 year old boy to be a bundle of energy, with little interest in school work. I remember comparing him to my friends daughter who would sit drawing beautiful pictures etc and wondering what I was doing wrong. I wasn't doing anything wrong, it is normal for boys to want to play rather than do school stuff.

I think you need to walk away when you feel frustrated. If he doesn't want to do homework, I would explain the consequences of not doing it - ie you will get told off by teacher, and let him choose to do it (or not).

You do sound like you may be slightly depressed and a trip to the GP is a good idea to help deal with the stress.

Oh for God's sake! Listen to yourself!

HE IS FIVE YEARS OLD!

They don't even start school at this age in some countries!

You need to have a serious word with yourself. It sounds to me like you don't like your son because he is too much like his father. No, he's too much like any other little 5 year old boy for Heaven's sake! Yes of course he has energy and runs about and doesn't want to do homework and struggles with phonics and shapes and just wants to play! Geez! You really weren't ready for kids were you?

My ds is 8 years old, he still struggles with phonics. It's not a big deal. Every child learns at a different pace and he will catch up. My dd was at a French school were they don't even teach them to read until they are 6. She came back to the UK unable to read in Year 2 but she soon caught up and is now way ahead.

My 8yo ds has a huge problem with his spelling and is at a much lower level than he ought to be. But that's fine because he does well in other areas and with support and encouragement I know he'll catch up.

However if you put pressure on your 5yo ds then of course he won't want to learn. He sees you getting angry, so he feels under enormous pressure, he makes mistakes, you get even angrier. Can you remember trying to learn something and someone getting frustrated with you? Did it do you any good? You need to back off and accept that he will make mistakes and get things wrong because that's all part of the learning process.

You seem to be blaming everyone else for the way you feel instead of taking that responsibility onto yourself. You have not said that you will deal with this, you have not said that you will go to the GP or contact the PSA, you've just made excuses. Well sorry but right now I feel very very frustrated with you too however because I am an adult I will not call you names or make you feel stupid.

Your dh, well from what you've said he doesn't exactly sound like Mr Supportive but then again there are lots of other mums in exactly the same situation but who do not take it out on their kids. You need to deal with this situation. There is no excuse for him not helping out with his own son. You can go to Relate on your own now you know. Let him know that you are doing this and he might just realise how unhappy you are. I'm sure that the atmosphere in the house will not have gone unnoticed and once you start to do something about it, either he sits up and takes notice or he realises that he might just lose you. And tbh yes you might well be better off as a single mum because at least then you won't get so resentful of your dh and take that resentment out on a little 5yo.

Control your anger. No-one else is to blame for the way you are behaving. We all have our demons. You are bullying a 5yo boy and making it all out to be his fault. How on earth do you think that will effect him? Thinking that the way he is caused his mum to be so mean to him?

There is nothing more I can say to you. No doubt others will come on with buckets of sympathy for you but that's not what you need, that will just give you more excuses for your behaviour. You need to do a lot of growing up and stop taking the shit life throws at you out onto an innocent little boy. He's no different to any other little boy out there. I don't know a single one who will sit quietly and do his shapes or read a book. Get a grip.

I'm not using this thread as an excuse and claiming it's ok. It's a step towards admitting I have even started to do this and that it's not ok. I feel extremely stuck and it's showing up in anger towards my son. Yes I know how much emotional abuse this is to those pointing out that this is hurting my ds. I TOTALLY GET THAT. Even when I've lost my temper and shout at him.

BTW I've only been doing that this last school holiday. The school homework is a real battleground. DS and I are usually quite okay together when I let him play about and colour and draw and learn as and when. Being behind in his learning has really opened up some very upsetting emotions for me and suddenly I feel out of my depth. Dh not being around has not been as obvious until school. The school schedule and routine and timetable and trying to keep everything organised and tidy and ironed and fed and helping with the homework is showing me that I didn't sign up for this by myself.

I actually didn't grow up with angry parents and it doesn't seem to trigger any feelings from my childhood. So to all those trying to tell me this is emotional abuse. YES I KNOW.

I haven't been doing this to ds his whole life, it was for about 5 days this last week! Yes I know, it will leave a scar. That's why I did it and it's wrong.

OP take a deep breath and forget about his school work. You can enable him, make sure that he has space to work, the TV is off and remind him to do it, but don't get emotionally engaged.

A child that doesn't want to learn and only wants to run and jump and at any point might try and jump onto the sofa and fly off like batman is just beyond me. It really irritates the crap out of me. I can't do that mummy voice and repeat that he comes back. I seem to go from happy and calm to extremely angry. The house being a mess of toys relly drives me nuts.

He's 5- that's what he should be doing.

Control your anger. Imagine you are being filmed and act the part of the jolly helping Mum. If he can't do it or refuses to concentrate, write on his book '20 minutes', or 'DS was unsure of the task' then put it away.

It doesn't matter, but your relationship with him does and you should prioritise it even at the expense of HW

I have got a grip and I don't think I am just trying to lay the blame everywhere else. I was just trying to write down some of the reasons I might be getting disproportionatly angry. Its not a list of excuses.

Am I going to go to the GP and get help?

I'm not sure. I've looked into private CBT therapists in my area.

BTW Polka I remember one holiday when my DM was a ranty cow and screamed at us about schoolwork, mess and everything. Looking back I assume there was some money stress or worries about a holiday, and if I ever think about it it's remembering a short period of time when she was like that, it certainly doesn't colour my opinion of her or my childhood. If you can put in place the advice you've received, there's no reason it will effect your relationship.

Thank you lambethlil and everyone really for your advice. I appreciate it. It's why I posted. I need to stop it from happening and becoming a habit.

Lambethlil is totally right about the homework. It makes me so angry when I remember how frustrated I was with my DD when she was 4/5 at school and not keeping up with her homework.

What a load of wank.

My DS is 4 and they haven't even started to show him the alphabet at the Montassori nursery he is at because he has no interest yet. They will start to teach him when he shows interest. I've decided not to put him in formal school yet because of this, so he'll be a year behind. So what? He's young and he loves lego and soccer. THAT"S what your DS should be doing after school.

In the end with my DD I used to sit down, gently try and make her do homework and if she didn't get it or it wasn't working, I'd write a note to the teacher explaining what we had attempted. Then I left it. You have to do the same.

Just to ask you, if the house is full of toys, why don't you get rid of some of the ones he doesn't play with?

Also, what do you do all day when DS is at school? That is quite a few empty hours to fill (with the best will in the world, housework doesn't take that long!) Would you consider local exercise classes, or doing a say...French class? Or volunteering? Something that takes you out of the 'mummy realm' without fully needing you to go back to work?

You're right about the habit thing. Work on that, it is just a habit and each day you don't go ranty the less likely it is to happen again.

You really need to get a grip on how you percieve your sons schooling. He is 5, how can he possibly be 'behind'? So what if he can't recognise a triangle or can't do phonics. He sounds like a totally normal little boy. You really need some parenting classes to help you cope with his (very normal) behaviour. I also find it very sad that you assumed he had ADHD just because he prefers to leap around and play.

Sorting out your marraige is only one part of this - it sounds like you are disappointed with your son as well.

Look Polka, you said in your OP that this gets worse with every holiday, so we were led to assume that you actually lose it every holiday you have with your ds.

It's easier when they are at school, but then the holidays come and suddenly there is no getting away from their excess energy and demands for attention. What disturbed me though was not that you lost your temper with him, or shouted at him even if it was every day, it was the words you used towards him. Those words have come from somewhere and they are designed to have a real impact, to get a reaction.

That's what you need to look at.

Do you remember getting any homework in primary school yourself? No, because it didn't happen. This is a relatively new thing and I'm not sure I agree with it. It just puts pressure onto parents and children. They sit down and are told to be quiet and behave for 6 hours a day, 5 days a week and then when they get home they have to do yet more work??? Playing is all part of the learning process. They are learning hand-eye co-ordination, they are learning about role play, about sharing, about the world around them and I think that's much more important than reinforcing what they have already learnt in school.

Not that this makes it easier for you. But I will guarantee that in your son's class there will be a few children who don't do any homework because there is actually a large percentage of parents who refuse to take part in homework whilst their children are so young.

So, let the homework slip. What's the worst that is going to happen? Some parents even have an agreement with the teachers to do either no homework or just a small part like reading once a week.

Now, to tackle the holidays when your dh doesn't help out. Could you arrange playdates? Trips to the library, museums and so on? There are always activities around holidays for younger kids and if you plan something for every day you will find yourself more in control and able therefore, to control your temper better.

When he is at school, could you not do a job then? Are the school looking for Teaching Assistants? Lunchtime Assistants? Playground Assistants? It will give you a little money and get you out of the house and mixing with others.

If you can afford private CBT then great, but you do need to act on this as you did say that your behaviour gets worse every holiday, so this is not a one-off is it?

I was harsh with you because you seemed to be more interested in telling us what a horrible child he was than telling us what you were going to do about it. Now you are trying damage limitation but this has got to be quite bad hasn't it? Be honest.

I am thinking about the welfare of your little boy at such a vulnerable age so apologises if my posts are not solely focused on you OP.