Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Parenting

For free parenting resources please check out the Early Years Alliance's Family Corner.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

I am upset i didnt love dd straight away

60 replies

NameChangedJustInCase · 04/04/2012 23:11

Have name changed incase this comes across really bad! I've just been watching obem and the old saying came up about how you get that instant rush of love, how you'll never feel anything like it when they first put you lo in your arms. I hate that i never got that feeling. I hated the entire process! I wanted to get pregnant after a few mc yet complained all throughout pregnancy (found it unbelievably difficult) i hated the labour and birth (not at all what we had wanted, ended up flat on back, strapped to monitor, canula ect) and after a very long labour, i barely even looked at my dd, i was just so relieved the whole horrible experience was over i went straight to sleep, i don't even know if she fed first or if they took her away! All i know is i woke up 4 hours later with a baby next to me. The love did eventually come after maybe a week or so but i really hate that i didn't get that rush of love feeling your supposed to get AIBU to be so bothered by this even though there is nothing i can do about it now and it happend months ago! still irritates me hearing people saying it!

OP posts:

lalaland3008 · 04/04/2012 23:13

I didn't get the rush of love either. In fact even though I did love ds when he was a baby I think the love has grown as he has.

MaureenMLove · 04/04/2012 23:19

I'm not sure I did. I can't remember tbh, so I guess that means it wasn't there!

There are a miriad of theories that are set to cause new mums the maximum of upset and anxiety. The best you can do, is try to put it behind you and move on. I'm sure there are plenty of people on here, who will reasure you about real life and not what the latest research shows!

BTW, DD is 16 now and she's had a very loving mum and dad for all those 16 years and as far as I can tell, she doesn't bear any emotional scars of her birth!

LibrarianByDay · 04/04/2012 23:19

I didn't have the rush of love with my first and it took 3 months before I felt any sort of attachment. I did get the rush of love with my second and it did feel lovely. But it hasn't made any difference to how I feel about them in the long run.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Families General parenting

Purpleprickles · 04/04/2012 23:19

I didn't get that either, in fact when the midwife asked if I wanted to hold my ds I said no! I haven't watched tonights OBEM yet but I think from watching all the others we are in the majority and not minority for this. Most of the women look dazed, shocked and bloody knackered. Its not about the first few hours, days, weeks it's about the cummulation of being a mum if that makes sense? What you do over time as a mum I think.

Birdsgottafly · 04/04/2012 23:20

It would be nice if this myth of every women feeling this rush of love straight away, after birth, was stopped.

I felt it over my last, but not my first two, i think my feelings got stronger as the weeks went on.

LibrarianByDay · 04/04/2012 23:22

Purpleprickles :o When the MW asked me if I wanted to hold DS I said "No! I don't want him!"

Purpleprickles · 04/04/2012 23:23

Oh and I was convinced I was going to love being pregnant and walk round looking all glowy and radiant. The reality was five months of feeling nauseous and the remainder feeling hot, sweaty and fat. I would do it all again though to have ds whom I have grown to love more and more everyday...even though it was slow burning from the start

Purpleprickles · 04/04/2012 23:25

Librarian It's just such a shock isn't it? I had 24hrs of labour and just waiting and waiting and then all of a sudden they appear and it feels too soon

fullofregrets · 04/04/2012 23:25

I didn't feel it. I was relieved DS was ok, but that was about it. I didnt feel anything much for him for about a year but think I hid it well as even my mum goes on about how much I loved him. I'm glad I hid it for his sake but I fell in love with him gradually as his personality developed.

The whole 'big rush of love thing' is in my mind up there with 'motherhood is the best job in the world' in terms of causing new mothers to feel inadequate and let down.

LibrarianByDay · 04/04/2012 23:27

:o The look on my husband's face was priceless!

FashionEaster · 04/04/2012 23:27

I was in traumatic shock and certainly a lot of pain - there was no rush of love for dc1 for months - much more instantaneous for the other two.

Dc1 might look like my exH but he has my brain & sense of humour and he gave me a look of pure happiness beaming out of him today over a bit of nonsense we both found funny, I just had to pick him up and kiss him. He's nearly 8!

doorbellringer · 04/04/2012 23:29

I can totally identify. We were in the process of selling one house and buying/renovating another and I kept wishing he wouldn't come yet as we weren't quite ready. I blame that and eventual EMCS on the fact it has taken me months to bond but still not yet felt that "rush of love" I am favouring the germophobe approach to showing love but live I hope of that crazy rush.

dearprudence · 04/04/2012 23:31

I desperately wanted DS and I had a fairly happy pregnancy and a very happy birth (CS - not my first choice, breech baby, but it was a lovely experience).

But while I didn't feel detached from him exactly, it took two days until I felt real love for him. I just didn't know him at first, IYSWIM. I have loved him to distraction ever since (coming up 10 years).

I don't think you should feel bad. Your love kicked in after just a week, and you love your DD now, months later, so all's well.

mybabyweightiseightyearsold · 04/04/2012 23:34

Nope, me either, not any of the three times. And, I don't feel remotely guilty about it.

My thought processes were "is it over?" "is it alive?" "can I go to sleep now?"

Give yourself a break. No one's on Jeremy Kyle because their mum just turned over and went to sleep instead of gawping at them for hours on end.

ballstoit · 04/04/2012 23:40

Op In the parenting courses I teach, we talk a fair bit about expectations v. reality. In the 4 years I've been teaching the course, I've met and discussed the 'rush of love' expectation with about 70 parents. I'd say about a quarter said they felt it, the other three quarters looked around nervously and then admitted that it had taken a while.

There was no difference between the parents who were generally good and came on the course for tips and to meet other parents, and those who were on parenting orders and came because they had no choice. They all loved their children, but some had felt this straight away and some had been more slow burning.

If I'm being totally honest (and it's MN, so I can say this out of the DC earshot!), I'd say that it took me a while to love DC1 & 2...both were difficult labours ending in forceps deliveries, and I felt too sore and knackered. I fell truly, madly deeply with DC3 the minute she arrived. But it's DC3 that I have the trickiest time with, mainly because she has inherited my muleish stubbornness..which I thought was under control until DC3 arrived.

There is always something to feel bad about when you're a parent, and beating yourself up over something you can't change is a waste of your time and energy...and there's never enough of either, so please stop wasting them x

asiatic · 04/04/2012 23:48

It doesn't matter, that is just hormones,when your baby is just a total stranger. not the real love you get between two people who know each other. I didn't feel it, and I don't care, we have plenty of the other, real personal love because of who the DC are, and our relationship.

FreudianSlipper · 04/04/2012 23:50

i am not sure i had that rush of love at first (was very drugged up too)

i remember not wanting to let him go, he was laying on me skin to skin and the mw kept telling me to dress him but it felt right him being there and i did not want to let go. that rush of love came about 2 months later we were looking in the mirror and he smiled (well i think he did) and i thought my heart would burst i think that was my rush of love but before then he was still my everything

also i had so much going on around that time, selling, moving, the ex being really horrible, losing my job (about to it was haning over my head) i felt i was just looking after his needs rather than giving him the love he needed (hope he felt it, was nearly always attached to me in a sling or being cuddled andhe was a very very content happy baby)

workshy · 04/04/2012 23:55

when I was watching it earlier I actually thought the MW was very irresponsible to say it

just because she experienced it surely she should realise that not everyone does and it's the first thing women can beat themselves up about --after spending 9 months worrying about not doing 'pregnant' right

mumtomoley · 05/04/2012 00:02

I didn't get that rush of love either and neither did loads of people I know. In fact I didn't even get it a few days/weeks later like some people do. At first I was just getting used to DS and trying to work out what I was supposed to do with him and even had very sincere 'we've ruined our lives' type secret thoughts but then gradually day by day I have just grown to love him more and more and at nearly one it just takes my breath away and I practically well up just at the thought of him and how much I love him.

kipperandtiger · 05/04/2012 00:04

OP - I won't be worried about what you felt then, only what you feel now. As for OBEM, I don't really like it, but one of my friends loves it, even though her own labour had been difficult. I have been through quite a few labours with other mums and though their experiences and my own experience were fine, I couldn't watch that show. Just feels strange to me to be looking at it as a tv viewer. The birth of a child is only one day - and there are so many emotions going on at the time. I remember most people saying "thank goodness baby is fine and it's all finished now!!" or "I'm exhausted". I think it's a bit silly of the MW to mention what is after all a fleeting emotional response (partly triggered by hormones) anyway. I'm more concerned whether the mum loves her child afterward!

Original poster

NameChangedJustInCase · 05/04/2012 00:13

Thanks, its good to know others out there are the same. Its just so irritating because i know that its not something i did wrong, yet i do still feel guilty about it. I also hate the thought, of when dd is older and is ready to have her baby (if it comes to that) that i wont be able to tell her about that lovely feeling at the end because i never experienced it myself. ofcourse i love dd, and i do love her with all my being now, but i do feel something is missing. It just reminds me of how bad i feel about it when i hear mdwives gushing about how amazing it is (even though i know it probably is amazing to feel it)

OP posts:

usingapseudonym · 05/04/2012 00:23

Still not feeling it now. I had a rather traumatic birth and ended up in intensive care and wasn't able to see the baby for ages. She now cries a lot, doesn't sleep well and I miss the relationship with my older daughter. I know abstractly I must love her really and I am caring for her but right now I don't particularly want her. I'm hoping this Will change as she gets older!

scottishmummy · 05/04/2012 00:26

it's a bit of a hyped hoped for rush
not all new mums get the whoosh
don't beat self up bout it
what matters is what you do with the subsequent time

asiatic · 05/04/2012 00:32

No, namechanged, you will be able to support your daughter better when she becomes a mum for giving her realistic expectations.

Stangly, the closest I have ever come to feeling that rush was on hearing my first niece had been born, thousands of miles away, to a sister I am not even in contact with.....

weemumbelina · 05/04/2012 08:44

I told the midwife that I was too tired to hold DS (baby no 2 btw) too. But I attempted to feed him asap, PURELY out of a sense of wanting to do what's best for baby. The OBEM midwife was fab except for saying that. It seems that a minority of mums like us have a different response to those crazy hormones.
I've watched OBEM with my DD who's 15. When she asked if her father and I were like that at her birth I explained that actually it took me a few days to have that sort of feeling. I hope she'll have her own babies one day and I hope she has that 'rush of love', but if she doesn't I don't want her to feel bad about it.
You're clearly a very loving mother (as am I) and that's what matters.

Flip

1 2 3

Swipe left for the next trending thread