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Parenting

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Original poster

I am upset i didnt love dd straight away

60 replies

NameChangedJustInCase · 04/04/2012 23:11

Have name changed incase this comes across really bad! I've just been watching obem and the old saying came up about how you get that instant rush of love, how you'll never feel anything like it when they first put you lo in your arms. I hate that i never got that feeling. I hated the entire process! I wanted to get pregnant after a few mc yet complained all throughout pregnancy (found it unbelievably difficult) i hated the labour and birth (not at all what we had wanted, ended up flat on back, strapped to monitor, canula ect) and after a very long labour, i barely even looked at my dd, i was just so relieved the whole horrible experience was over i went straight to sleep, i don't even know if she fed first or if they took her away! All i know is i woke up 4 hours later with a baby next to me. The love did eventually come after maybe a week or so but i really hate that i didn't get that rush of love feeling your supposed to get AIBU to be so bothered by this even though there is nothing i can do about it now and it happend months ago! still irritates me hearing people saying it!

OP posts:

ABigGirlDoneItAndRanAway · 05/04/2012 09:13

I didn't feel it either, I spent the first few days after DD was born in tears because I didn't feel that I loved her enough and I also failed at breastfeeding so had to give her formula so felt like a failure all round.

RedHelenB · 05/04/2012 09:17

I did feel that rush of love with all 3 of mine although I do remember feeling overwhelmingly tired BUT the important thing is that you do love her, don't dwell on the birth as it's a very minor part of your life with her.

StrandedBear · 05/04/2012 09:18

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haddock1976 · 05/04/2012 09:21

YANBU

DD was dumped on my chest, I stared at her, thought wtf and practically threw her at DH in my defence I was more concerned about the sewing going on and the fact that the epidural had worn off 2 hours before and I could feel everything

That amazing love has come in but slowly and I don't feel bad about it at all.

mybabyweightiseightyearsold · 05/04/2012 09:29

This thread is wonderful!

I spent a looooong time thinking I was an inadequate mother after dropping sprog#1 because I didn't love her. I'm quite sure that contributed to my postnatal depression, which was a corker.

So, I have resolved to tell everyone that I didn't have an instant rush of love to every pregnant woman I see - or maybe I'll just print off this thread and leaflet NCT classes...

Grumpla · 05/04/2012 09:29

I think it's bollocks.

With both of mine I burst into tears the minute they were born, mainly of relief that we were both alive and it was over! With DS1 I had skin to skin for an hour or so which was lovely but I was mainly relieved and freaked out by the fact that there was a BABY in the room. With DS2 I had brief skin to skin but really urgently wanted a bath! My waters had been leaking for hours through labour (only at the very end with DS1) and I felt really knackered, wet and uncomfortable. Weirdly I sort of wanted to be on my own to get my head around things!

With both my babies the sense of overwhelming responsibility was there from the start. I would have died for them instantly. But the love came later, in small increments, and often unexpectedly. Now DS1 is a toddler and I have huge heart bursting moments of love for him all the time, in between the terrible tantrums! DS2 is 6 weeks old and I've already had enough truly soppy tear-in-the-eye moments (mostly when he is asleep, admittedly ) to let me know that the love is growing there too.

I feel very lucky in that my own mum warned me about this - like you OP she felt terribly guilty that she didn't feel the way she was "supposed" to. I was a long first labour with a few complications so she felt even more guilty about it. But you know what? She does love me and I her, in fact we have an amazing relationship. She's been staying with me a lot throughout the last few months to support me and I haven't felt anything other than very loved and protected by her.

Don't worry about what other people tell you you should be feeling. Enjoy your own moments of love and happiness for what they are, the foundations of your unique relationship with your child.

GoGoBananas · 05/04/2012 09:35

After dd was born, I saw dh crying and emoting and thought 'wtf are you doing that for and where's my tea and toast'. It took a while.

After ds was born I'd been nil by mouth for 21hrs and all I could think about was custard. I'd have given my soul for a bowl of yellow goodness. It's the only thing that got me through the labour. The post birth photos seem to say 'yes yes, lovely baby, but has anybody got a spoon and some cake?'

I adore both of my children with a ferocity which still surprises me. It's just that my body and mind had been taken apart and put back together in some kind of fragile patchwork. The love came later when I was healed.

Happenstance · 05/04/2012 09:36

I remember looking at DD in DP arms right after birth and thinking F*K what the F*K am i supposed to do with it, i'd had a traumatic birth and just wanted to sleep, i figured i would feel the rush of love when i woke up the next day.

In reality she was about 6 months old when it actually felt like i loved her, before that i had been going through the motions. I'm 40+2 with DC2 and TBH very nervous but hopeful.

valiumredhead · 05/04/2012 09:42

I didn't get that rush of love until ds was 3 months, until then I was just going through the motions. Very traumatic section and ds was 2 months prem.

I get a rush of love now though 11 years on :)

katiesname · 05/04/2012 09:49

I didn't get the rush... In fact, DD is 6 now and it's only really been in the last couple of years that I could say I genuinley love her.

It's a rarely a "rushy" kind of love. It's more protective and nuturing than that. People love in different ways. I wish shows like that would stop maiking out it's the same for everyone.

queenrollo · 05/04/2012 10:02

I can distinctly remember the moment when I suddenly felt this huge spread of warmth in me as I realised just how much I loved this little bundle in my arms. He was about 6 weeks old.
When he was born I was just stunned. He arrived 4 weeks early and to be honest I just felt absolutely robbed of those last 4 weeks I expected to have him all to myself, wriggling around inside me. I spent 6 weeks in a daze, doing all the things I needed to do to keep him happy and safe, and was starting to be really concerned that I didn't have the all consuming love for him that I expected to have and that everyone told me I would have.

whoputmeincharge · 05/04/2012 10:22

I didn't get it for about three months with DS1. I remember thinking WTF do I do with that, it looks like a frog. I spent the next 12 weeks going through the motions and working really hard to get breastfeeding established and do everything perfectly, i still remember feeding him one night in the spare room and felt this rush of being at one with the world and that was because he was there, until then i just didn't recognise him as mine.

Had the rush with DS2 immediately btw.

On reflection that becoming a mother is one crazy head messing process, it is probably as unique as each of our children is. There must be no normal! Damn it.

MrFunnytheEasterBunny · 05/04/2012 10:25

Don't feel bad, I think it's more common than people realise. I knew I loved my DS, but after a 30hr labour ending in a section, I was pissed off to the extreme with the midwife for putting him in bed with me "to bond" having sent DH home as he "looked tired". I told her I didn't need to bond, I needed to sleep! She wasn't impressed lol but I got my sleep, then I bonded when I felt a bit more human! although I was still high on morphine and I think my DS must have had some in the breast milk as well

Vassia · 05/04/2012 10:59

Love this thread. I was thinking that I missed out because I'd had a section, so in a way its quite reassuring for me to know that it's across the board. I never had a labour etc, and I never breastfed, in fact as soon as he was born I just wanted him to go away for a while. Or for my husband to be able to stay to look after him.

I think I started to feel the love after about 8 weeks, when he started to smile and wriggle and make weird faces at us. Now he's just the most beautiful thing I've ever seen in my life, and he's a complete maniac. Amazing.

I think there are a lot of unfair expectations to be honest. I know now, if I had been breastfeeding, I would probably have slipped into depression. A combination of a lack of that initial bond/love and being the only person being able to feed him while still recovering from a section and having a severe lack of sleep from being on a ward for days with screaming babies....I know myself well enough to know that I would not have coped with that situation. I tell my friends the truth about pregnancy and birth and parenthood so that they won't have these feelings of failure and disappointment if it ever happened to them.

So you are not alone OP, its bloody hard work having a baby and sometimes we just need a wee rest and a break before diving into parenthood and sleepless nights!

Ilovedaintynuts · 05/04/2012 11:00

Neither me or DH felt it. In fact for DC3 I asked the midwife NOT to put the baby on my chest as I knew what I actually need after birth is a bit of breathing space!
The love grew for me, I liked them a bit more every day. I'm not quite sure what women are experiencing when they feel instant love, to be honest.
I found childbirth so rotten that I felt I needed an hour or so to get myself together before I even looked at the baby. I wanted a cup of tea and slice of toast first

PrincessWatermelon · 05/04/2012 11:01

I'm so encouraged to read this thread. Thank you to all you ladies for being honest. I am 28 wks pg with my first and watched the last bit of OBEM last night. Immediately felt worried that I may not feel that rush of love and started panicking! So really good to get my expectations in order early.

RobinSparkles · 05/04/2012 11:09

I didn't either. It took a while and it makes me feel like I've been robbed and it makes me feel so so guilty but I can admit it now.

I wasn't expecting it to happen with DD2 either but it did but I think it was because she was the spitting image of DD1 and I felt like I had DD1 "back" - does that make sense? I feel like I was so robbed of DD1's newborn-ness that I really took it in with DD2.

DD1 is nearly 5 now and she's my world.

YANBU, it's hard to hear of "that rush of love" on OBEM as it makes you feel like a weirdo for not having had it. I can understand why they say it though - to spur women on when they're in labour.

MNHQ

KatMumsnet · 05/04/2012 11:14

Hi, we've moved this into Parenting.

RobinSparkles · 05/04/2012 11:15

PrincessWatermelon - you might get it but it's ok if you don't. Eventually you will love your baby so much that you feel like you'll burst! Seriously, there's nothing like it! Congratulations :)

LauraShigihara · 05/04/2012 11:18

I am amazed that no experienced mother took you aside during your pregnancy and explained all this. My first time, I seemed to be surrounded by women who passed this bit of information over. Plus, I was told by midwives AND it was written in all the (many) baby books I owned.

In fact, it was a surprise to me that I fell in love with her within a few days, rather than the months I had been warned about.

The boys took longer, probably because I had other children to concentrate on.

I fully intend to pass this bit of important info onto my daughter and (hypothetical) daughter-in-laws so they don't worry and get the crazy idea that they have failed in some way.

BikeRunSki · 05/04/2012 11:19

Don't panic, Don't worry, don't be sad. With DS, my first baby, I had a massive rush of love and adored him from the moment he was born. With DD, three years later, I was fairly unbothered by her for a long time and just relieved not to be pregnant anymore. She is now 5 months old and the cutest, cuddliest most gorgeous thing I ever did see.

rhibutterfly · 05/04/2012 11:22

I DIDN'T GET IT EVEN THOUGH MY BABY WAS MUCH LONGED FOR AND IT TOOK A LONG TIME TO GET THAT FEELING WITH HAVE pndTOO BUT IT DOES COME LATER I'M 29 WEEKS WITHdd 2 AND I WON'T HAVE SUCH HIGH EXPECTATIOPNS OF HOW I SHOULD FEEL THIS TIME ROUND, LIKE A LOT OF POSTERS HAVE MENTIONED, MY LOVE GREW WITH MY CHILD XX sorry about capitals didn't realise til i looked up when stopped typing, can't be asked to retype lol

BornToFolk · 05/04/2012 11:26

I felt a bit watching OBEM last night and hearing all about that rush of love thing. I don't feel guilty but I do feel like I missed out on something.

All I felt when DS was born (after a somewhat traumatic labour!) was "thank fuck that's over".

And then afterwards I found the newborn stage so hard and had a bit of PND and remember thinking "I wonder if DP would mind if we put him up for adoption".

Anyway, as someone else said, your love grows with them as you get to know each other. It did for me anyway. I get rushes of love all the time now!

jasminerice · 05/04/2012 11:32

I didn't get it with DD. Took years to really feel like I loved her (a lot of complex reasons for this) and even now I'm not always sure if what I feel for her is love.

With DS it was instant, from even before he was born and it has grown deeper over time.

I'm working on myself and my issues in the hope it will improve my feelings for DD.

valiumredhead · 05/04/2012 12:32

Best bit of advice my dad ever gave me was just as I was going down to have my section and he kissed me and hugged my dh and said "Don't worry about not being able to hold ds straightway or if you don't feel immediate love - you have the rest of your lives to hold and love him."

Makes me quite teary but so true :)

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