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Original poster

Do you 'have' to play with your kids to be a good parent?

85 replies

1950sHousewife · 02/04/2012 18:26

I'm going to come out and say it - I loathe playing with my kids.
Can I be a good parent but never have to play with them again?

I love spending time with them - reading, going to the park, cycling, skating, skiing, cooking, gardening etc. For example - yesterday we had a fantastic day going to a maple syrup farm and having a lovely walk through the woods there.

But sitting down and playing with toy cars, or building lego or pretending to have a tea party makes the minute hand of the clock go backwards. Honestly, I feel like crying with boredom. Surely that's what I had 2 kids for, so they'd play with each other so I don't have to?

But is that attitude selfish and am I going to be missing out?

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Bucharest · 02/04/2012 18:33

I find adults who do enjoy pretending to be at a Teddy Bear's Picnic a bit weird and sinister quite frankly.

And the whole "today we will do craft!" "today we will make a cake!" "today is making things out of sticky back plastic!" is just bonkers.

Leave 'em to it to play by themselves FFS. Dd went to her friends house and came back moaning that the mother had micromanaged the "playing" all afternoon. When they come to my house I lock them Grin (not really) in the bedroom and don't expect to see them for 3 hrs unless they want a biscuit.

AngryFeet · 02/04/2012 18:36

No I am shit at it and have to force myself so it is rare. Luckily I have 2 close in age so they are happy to entertain each other. My parents rarely played with us as my brother and I played together and had lots of neighbours to play with.

My friends who spend a lot of time playing with their kids get nagged constantly by their kids who don't know how to play alone. I think it is good to try and play for 30 mins a day (not that I tend to achieve this) when they are young but unless they are an only child with no friends next door then leave them to it I say!

Chandon · 02/04/2012 18:38

I trained my children from a young age to entertain themselves.

So they would play in the park with other kids, and I would read a paper on the bench. I would NOT go down the slide with them.

My oldest is excellent at inventing games, making things from cardboard boxes etc etc.

Result!

Sometimes I do sit down and play for a bit, but it is not a regular occurance. Am always available for hugs and tears and chats though

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Original poster
1950sHousewife · 02/04/2012 18:39

I love you Bucharest!

That's what my mum was like and she does look a bit dumbfounded by how much more I do with my DCs than she ever did with us. She thinks it's crazy that we have to be their playmates, teachers (she never did homework with us), mums, chauffeurs etc.

In fact, i don't remember her playing with her even once, but would still count her as being a great mum (most of the time!)
Great. Will stop being so paranoid.

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Convert · 02/04/2012 18:40

I'm totally with you. I adore my kids. I will read to them, take them to the park and other activities, I give them loads of affection and cuddles, I'm happy to take Welles on and off a million times a day wen they want to go outside/come back in immediately, I love to teach them things, I like to help them bake. I do not however pretend to be maid Marion or bloody Jessie.
I think a mothers role is to love them and make sure they are fed, clean and happy. If they want to play wrestling, they can go to daddy!

Original poster
1950sHousewife · 02/04/2012 18:41

That's what I'm like Chandon. I don't like hovering around my kids at the park. Sod off and use your imagination!

And AngryFeet - I wonder if that's what I've done with my DCs a little bit. Sometimes they look surprised that they could possibly be a source of amusement for one another as they seem to think i am a bobo the clown fulltime.

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amothersplaceisinthewrong · 02/04/2012 18:42

My mother never played with us, my Dad would do all the board games and stuff, but my mother hated them.

I did a certain amount of craft and baking etc with mine, but I can't say I enjoyed all of it. Luckily they learnt to do these things on their own with me preparing the dinner and just chatting to them or something. Loved reading with them though.

AngryFeet · 02/04/2012 18:52

I don't think being a parent has to be so forced to be honest. I talk to my kids loads, laugh with them, read, taken them to the park/farm/zoo, chat about interesting things etc etc. I am a grown up now (apparently) and playing is not fun anymore so I don't think I need to force myself into it. I am busy anyway with cleaning, tidying etc and they are happy enough to play alone. They can play together for hours now and have the most amazing imaginations so clearly not playing with them has not harmed them :)

Yesterday I spent 6 hours gardening and the DC just played around me. Sometimes they stopped playing to sit and eat lollies and watch me or to 'help' me dig up weeds but not once did they ask me to play or get them something as they can do it all themselves. We had lots of lovely chats while I worked and I got lots done. Was a really lovely afternoon for us all. They are 5 and 7 now by the way - a really lovely age :)

Original poster
1950sHousewife · 02/04/2012 19:08

Angry - Mine are around that age as well, and perhaps that's why Im starting to let go of the idea I have to play with them. They're starting to need me less and play with each other (although DS loves cars and DD loves pink, so it's been tricky -damnit, which is perhaps why I've felt guilty that neither of them seems to get to play what they want with another person, unless they're with a friend.)

I agree that I'm busy with other things like cooking, college etc but then have a lingering guilt that I haven't spent enough time with them. But I read to them for 30 mins a night and as said, we do a lot of things together at the weekend.

I think you got the right word when you talk about it feeling forced sometimes.

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Happypiglet · 02/04/2012 19:20

I totally get where you are coming from with this. My DC are 8, 6, 4 and operate in a pack. I busted my pelvic floor having three kids in three and a half years deliberately so I wouldn't have to 'play' with them.
My specialities are music, reading to and with them, singing, chatting about stuff, taking them to interesting places (today we went to Bletchley park and learnt all about world war two code breaking) and boring them senseless with history teaching them history, playing board and card games, supervising homework etc.
But mostly at this time of year they are outside running wild playing the endless amounts of imaginary games ds1 comes up with. And fighting...
I love them but I wouldn't join in. Why would I when I could be doing something more fun like playing the piano!

IWishIWasSheRa · 02/04/2012 20:22

I could kiss you all for this thread! having had a friend round a few months ago who said that her and her daughter played for majority of the day. I felt shit about the fact I don't despite having 2 content kids! You have relieved my guilt and turned it into a positive!

Convert · 02/04/2012 20:30

Oooh, I didn't realise we got celebration drinks!

Gilberte · 03/04/2012 21:05

Ah but for some the playing (playmobil, lego, dressing up dolls), bumming around, climbing up the climbing frame, whooshing down the slide is the absolute best thing about being a parent- it's the cooking, cleaning up after them, breaking up fights that I can't stand.

Shmumty · 04/04/2012 11:29

Hear hear!

Was at a parents and kids gathering the other day and it was almost impossible to have a conversation with people, because they would be "dragged" away by their 3 year old to go play! They would be mid sentence and then just disappear. Why not teach your child that if mummy is having a conversation with someone, she wants to finish it before doing something else?

Original poster
1950sHousewife · 04/04/2012 12:16

Shmumty - that's my personal Confused!
Why go to a toddler group if it's not to let the kids get on with playing so you can have a cup of tea and gossip?

Gilberte - I agree with that. But for me the parts of childhood I like are things like - building a snow fort, going tobogganing, going frog 'hunting', getting to read the Magic Faraway Tree and Matilda again. Definitely not dressing dolls! Maybe we could join forces and you could have mine for a bit Smile

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Original poster
1950sHousewife · 04/04/2012 12:17

Oh and SheRa - I also now get to watch HeMan legitimately (teaching our children about past popular cultures - that's what I'll call it.

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othersideofthechannel · 04/04/2012 13:06

I think depends on the child. Children have different needs and I think being a good parent is about meeting their needs.

One DC is happy to for me to be a presence in the background, someone to show the latest picture, lego construction, newly perfected gymnastics move etc, and gets enough connection doing things like helping to cook, put up shelves or by chatting on the walk to school. The other is unhappy if I don't play properly (for about 30 - 45 minutes) at least a couple of times a week but then spends long periods of time playing alone with the bedroom door shut and a 'do not disturb' sign.

wendieann · 04/04/2012 16:24

When my first batch of children were younger... lol... I didn't do alot with them, but I did tons of homemade baking, and we would have game nights. I didn't help them out with their homework as they were in a french only school, and I didn't know french! lol (my cousins are)

When my 2nd batch of kids came, I admit, I seldom bake, and we don't do game nights. We do have movie nights though! lol

I do feel guilty for not 'playing' with them enough. It's rare I sit and play lego. Here I thought when I finally had my girl I would be having tea parties, and doing makeup and hair. Nope... Don't do that either!

I hate...HATE doing homework. If my son fights me, oh, well..don't then. When my daughter wants to, I hate it... I told their teachers, "I'm sorry, but I'm not good at enforcing homework"

I want the kids to have memories of their childhood beyond, mom sitting on the computer doing nothing....

I put 100% into Christmas, Easter, halloween, birthdays... Isn't that enough... Hmm

Flyonthewindscreen · 04/04/2012 22:08

Another one here who loves to spend time with my DC (now 8 and 10) but finds playing with them tedious.... Would never admit that in RL.

margoandjerry · 04/04/2012 22:10

No I hate it. I actually hated playing when I was a child - preferred reading and doing stuff by myself. Playing is generally awful and tedious. Hope my children still like me.

ThePathanKhansWitch · 04/04/2012 22:19

I hate playing with my dd, it's always "Katie and Johnson" or in your world Mummies and Daddies.

dd:Would you like Lamb chops and Mash for dinner Johnson?
me: Oh yes please Katie, that sounds lovely
dd: Well you'll have to do it yourself, I can't do everything
me:No problem Katie
dd: You can't do it in my kitchen you'll make a mess.
me:(silently FFS!)

It's just an excuse to torment me.
(I don't know where she got the name Johnson from, and was faintly embarrassed to discover it's slang for a Penis)

AThingInYourLife · 04/04/2012 22:22

I thought I did play with my kids, but you guys keep ruling out all the things I was including - reading to them, singing, chatting, baking.

I also enjoy painting and making stuff and going for walks.

I even enjoy imaginary games (just like I did when I was a child myself).

But I also like to just be in the room doing something else while they play together and I certainly don't think it's my job to keep them constantly entertained.

I know exactly what you mean about the hands of the clock going backwards sometimes.

AThingInYourLife · 04/04/2012 22:24

:o @ Katie and Johnson

That is purgatory - hours of pretending to be in a dysfunctional marriage :o

ThePathanKhansWitch · 04/04/2012 22:26

AThing I already pity any future son/daughter-in law, and she's only 4 Grin.

BulletProof · 04/04/2012 22:27

I find it hard, but I do think it's important to make an effort.