Do you 'have' to play with your kids to be a good parent?

[1950sHousewife]

I'm going to come out and say it - I loathe playing with my kids.
Can I be a good parent but never have to play with them again?

I love spending time with them - reading, going to the park, cycling, skating, skiing, cooking, gardening etc. For example - yesterday we had a fantastic day going to a maple syrup farm and having a lovely walk through the woods there.

But sitting down and playing with toy cars, or building lego or pretending to have a tea party makes the minute hand of the clock go backwards. Honestly, I feel like crying with boredom. Surely that's what I had 2 kids for, so they'd play with each other so I don't have to?

But is that attitude selfish and am I going to be missing out?

Try reading the book playful parenting. Play is the language of children and is often the most powerful way to connect with and communicate with kids - thus the play therapist for traumatised kids.

This book explains why kids like to playin the way they do. Once I understood this I had much more interest and understanding of play and the best ways to play with my child. You don't have to play with your kid to be a good parent, but IMO it makes for more relaxed happier family life , deeper understanding, empathy and connection with your child and is a tool in the box for if stuff gets bad for your child.

The recommended ways to play In the book are not really how you would play with your kids if you hadn't read the book. I can't recommend it highly enough.

Thanks essential I am going to look out for that book.

Right now I feel absolutely crap as I feel like I do a lot less with my children and now feel like a really bad parent. :(

2ombie don't be feeling like a bad parent!!!!

Everyone could always do more or better on any one particular aspect of parenthood, that's just how it always is for all parents - FB is the work of the devil - the posts are self selected after all generally to make the poster look and feel good.

You have 3 wonderful kids who love you, the sun is shining on the easter weekend and life is good

Before I read that book I found some games dull, repetitive and annoying and was reluctant to play them. Now I realise what function they play in my child's development and what I need to do to encourage that development the same game isn't boring to me anymore, and nether does it end in tears because I "played it wrong"!!

If something is bothering a child then asking them what the matter is making them communicate via an adult channel. They find it too hard, especially if stressed out. But if you play with them and follow their lead then what is bothering them will quickly become apparent. Because their communication channel is play and not "talking it through".

Honestly the book is fascinating. this is the one

Not wanting to hijack the thread, but does anyone have experience of a very demanding child who can't play by themselves. Will they eventually get better (and more independent)?

I have 2 children. With my first I played with him all the time because I thought it was what a good mother did. I found it all pretty tedious, to be honest, but made myself do it.

Second child came along and things were very different. He's a much easier child and will occupy himself for short periods quite happily in a way that DS1 never did. There is a 3.5 year age gap and they don't play together at all, which is a real disappointment to me.

Sadly I find I dread the idea of long holidays because it mostly involves DS1 following me around the house saying he's bored, or deliberately winding up DS2 to get him in trouble. I wish my children would play together nicely.

Any ideas/tips gratefully received!

How old are your children?
Do you spend time showing them how to play together and facilitating it?
Do you spend regular time with DS1 when you are totally focussed on him and led by him, or does he have half your attention all day instead?

CarelessWisp - my DD is like this! It's not been until my DS turned 2.5 that I realised he is quite happy to go off and play cars by himself for up to an hour.

I NEVER had that from my DD. SHe just seemed incapable of playing by herself. I would start to play barbie with her, then go put the kettle on or something, thinking she'd keep playing, but no, there she was by my side looking at me like a spaniel looks at a person eating their supper. It drove me crazy. So it was playgroups, parks, and lots of scootering as I found being in the house and the source of her entertainment too much. I'm a person who's 'in their head' a lot and can't cope with having to do the constant stream of 'now lets do the washing up - wheeee!' that she needed.

My DS is like a breath of fresh air. I can happily clean all of upstairs with him playing lego contentedly.
My DCs have about the same age gap as yours - it's a tricky age gap. (not to mention he's obsessed with cars and she's very girlie) But last year they finally started to show interest in each other and sometimes will even play Playmobil together. But for a while it was like having two 'only' children in the house. I was so jealous of mums who said their kids would go off and play together for hours. Now they are 4 and 7 they will play for an hour or so on a good day. Hurray - progress! How old are your DCs?

Yay for this thread (have only read the 1st page so far though).

I always feel guilty about not really playing with my DCs. As a SAHM thought I do feel that I spend plently of time with them (they are 4 and 1) but it is pretty tedious. I must admit I do enjoy building things with DS when he forces me and I can sit for ages on the floor with the 3 of us rolling a ball around, DD is just learning to roll it back and it is something they can both enjoy. I really enjoy the fact that as young as they are, they will sit an entertain themselves for ages. Even my 1 year old will just get on with it. She will come over and give me things now and again and sometimes want more interaction than others but I am pleased that they are perfectly capable of entertaining themselves.

A friend of mine recently admitted that the reason her DD was incapable of playing by herself is because she always played with her and this was a mistake on her part. I have been over her house before when she has left the room to go and have a game of hide and seek with the children (who had other children there to play with [buconfused]).

Another friend of mine last week told her DD it was rude of mummy to sit and play on the game that her DD wanted her to play on when she had guests there, but she still sat and played it with her, whilst the other friend read to her DCs. I just sat there bored tbh. It only seems to be a few of my friends who actually let their DCs get on with it. I was afraid I was the abnormal lazy ass mother who couldn't be bothered, but as I pointed out to someone recently, I don't remember being played with at all, reading and baking etc, yes, but not actually joining in my childish games.

Just to clarify, I do actually play with them, more so the 1 year old sometimes as I am showing her things like shape sorters and things like that. My above post sounds like I leave them to it all the time, I don't. But I do like the fact that my 4 year old is content to entertain himself, even if it is with constant "mummy look at what this car is doing, look at this pile of cars, look what another car is doing". [busmile]

That book does sound good.

Oh I really thought it was just me who hated playing with toys! I felt so guilty. If I have to do one more jigsaw puzzle I think I will scream! My tolerance for pretty much everything else improved drastically when I had kids (cleaning up sick, waking up in the night, repeating myself....) but I start to feel like I have been lobotomised when I have to play the same games over and over and over.......But then I feel so guilty saying 'mummy's a bit busy' all of the time. DD is is only 3 bless her and I am looking forward to when she can actually appreciate my efforts with Playdo instead of squashing everything.

Oh thank fuck for you lot!
I'll check right into this thread. I am utterly shite at playing with my kids.
I don't want to. I don't enjoy it. It is not an appealing prospect.

I am great at talking to my kids, and doing activities and days out - but playing at cars or lego or shops? No.
Jigsaws are hateful and Duplo makes me catatonic.

how strange, I had been thinking about how to word a similar thread.

I constantly feel guilty about not playing with my children. DS is VERY demanding, he has Aspergers and has always struggled with playing by himself well playing at all tbh he would rather I played under his direction. DD is 2 and well she is 2 and that says alot.

My heart sinks every time ds wants me to play with him as it is always the same....a random game with about 30 minutes worth of rule explanation, said rules subject to change mid game and he doesn't actually participate but wants me to follow his directions. I love him but hell's teeth I hate to play with him!!!!

Like others I am great at talking, reading, cooking, going out loads, crafts, drawing, provision of props such as ingredients for experiments and I dol attempt to do therapy games but generally ds tries to morph them into one of his obsessive games...he will be a film director I swear.

My parents hardly ever played with me when I was a child but our relationship was lovely and we were very close. We did loads together like go out, on holiday, gardening, chatting. Consequently I have no guilt about not playing endlessly with DD (3.9).

I do spend alot of time with DD as I am her primary carer but as an only child she's learned from an early age to entertain herself. She can spend hours playing on her own as well as playing with her friends. I interact with her alot - chatting, reading, singing, taking her to activities; but I am also able to do chores, have a hot mug of coffee, MN and read magazines uninterrupted.

She gets to play with others at preschool, with her Grandma when she's here and on playdates so she doesn't need me as a playmate too.

CarelessWispa - my DC are excatly as yours. DS(8) is still an "entertain me" child, where DD (5) will play on her own for hours. I spent a while beating myself up over this, same as you, forced myself to play with DS when he was wee and never had time with DD. I convinced myself his need for input was my fault.

I suspect it is a bit, but you know what? Life is too fucking short.

I've decided its the way he is. The way he always will be. DD is the way she is.

The real benefits to kids when you play with them come from following their lead - its their time to show you, and to exoerience having some control for a while. If you insist on leading or sticking to the rules then this is not the point of play, it sounds more like teaching to me.

you don't have to sit down and play with the dc's toys with them. THey might like it if you do but I don't think it is essential

5 fruit ang veg a day isn't essential either but it's good to aim for

I don't see how it is in the least comparable

Oh my god I thought I always feel so guilty when I don't play or reluctantly play with my dd. So I am so pleased I read this thread too. I find it soooo tedious and it's always the same game over and over, putting her to bed etc.. and then I have to do it for real later :(

OP, I love you.

DS1 is going through a 'don't leave me even for a second to feed the new baby or go to the loo' thing and will not play by himself.

As much as I can, I'm doing it, to reduce trauma caused by said baby, but oh dear god, am I BORED TO FUCKING TEARS BY LIGHTNING FUCKING MCQUEEN.

You know what's so galling?

I played with ds1 a lot. And you haven't, imo, known true boredom until you've scooted Thomas The Bloody Tank Engine around a track fifteen zillion times saying' Choo choo' and 'Oh no! There's a landslide! at regular intervals.

And do you think the bugger boy remembers my sacrifice? (He's 16 now, btw) Does he hell.

Fortunately for me ds2 likes crafts. And I love them. Any excuse to get the glitter out is good for me. And I don't mind Lego.

But I can't 'do' cars or trains or Mousetrap without wanting to stamp very hard on them. And I loathe the park and playing football/running after the ball hundreds of times/playing in the sandpit.

Well I did all that playing with the dc stuff, the toys, the games, the playgrounds, tag and football, arts and crafts - and a lot of things that bored me stiff tbh but I still don't think that dc suffer if you do not do it or gain remarkably if you do. What OP is doing with her dc going by the original post sounds great anyway.

The point of playing with your kids is to connect with them on a different level so it improves communication and emotional security. Hopefully the parent can enjoy it too and I truly believe most parents would if they read "Playful Parenting" for some insight into how kids play, and why they play, and the best (and worst) ways of playing with your kids.

I think it is every bit as important as trying to make sure they get a balanced diet and go to bed on time.

I also think its a bit sad how many posters on this thread clearly realise on some level that they should be playing with their kids but post here about how delighted and relieved they are because some other people have posted that they don't play with their kids either so that makes it OK - and after all no kids have died from lack of being played with.

I believe that playing with your kids makes them happier and more connected to you. It helps them deal with their emotions and lets them have a brief sense of being in control. Ten minutes a day per kid is fab, even twice a week would be good. You will see the difference in your child immediately. The emotional needs of kids are as important as their physical needs.

OP"Can I be a good parent but never have to play with them again?

I love spending time with them - reading, going to the park, cycling, skating, skiing, cooking, gardening etc. For example - yesterday we had a fantastic day going to a maple syrup farm and having a lovely walk through the woods there."

She is connecting with her kids, sounds like a great parent to me and is doing loads with her kids by the sounds of it. You think it makes a difference if she sits down and also plays with them and their toys. Fair enough that is your point of view, but I don't think it would add anything to what she already does. What she does do and enjoy doing sounds great to me.

Can you say more about the worst ways of playing with your dc?