Do you 'have' to play with your kids to be a good parent?

[1950sHousewife]

I'm going to come out and say it - I loathe playing with my kids.
Can I be a good parent but never have to play with them again?

I love spending time with them - reading, going to the park, cycling, skating, skiing, cooking, gardening etc. For example - yesterday we had a fantastic day going to a maple syrup farm and having a lovely walk through the woods there.

But sitting down and playing with toy cars, or building lego or pretending to have a tea party makes the minute hand of the clock go backwards. Honestly, I feel like crying with boredom. Surely that's what I had 2 kids for, so they'd play with each other so I don't have to?

But is that attitude selfish and am I going to be missing out?

I wonder about this. I can't remember my mum or any of my friend's mums ever 'playing' with us, and we would have thought it strange if they did.

I never play with mine. When they were little I would read to them, sing, take them swimming, sort them out with paints/playdoh/toys, and I still do lots of things with them, but have almost never sat and "played" with them. They are fab, lively and imaginative girls and very low maintenance now they are older. I work in a preschool now and it amazes me how some of the children just don't seem to know "how" to play independently - they seem to need adult attention all the time. Children need support in their play i.e they need time and space and the right sorts of things to play with and stimulate their imaginations but I can't see how constant hovering and intervention by adults is at all helpful.

cheddars that's a really good point. Neither my mum nor my dad ever played with us. Ever. We were expected to make our own entertainment . Our idea of parental interaction was my mum sending us down the shops for her silk cut .

I don't know when this insidious thing happened. Paradoxically it seems to coincide with women getting careers of their own - are we overcompensating for the "absence" by spending our spare hours crawling around on the floor pretending to be big doggie and little doggie?

I don't remember my parents play with me while I do remember lots of cooking.
However they do play with my DC and DN - but it gets less and less as they get older so perhaps my memory is more based on later childhood.

I have to admit with older two 6 and half and a nearly 5 I do send them off and I do things while they are around and younger one increasingly joins in. I still do reading, occasionally craft though eldest now doing this by herself.

I was very relieved when first was a baby and I admitted to an older friend that I found playing with her boring and she gave me a look and said pretty much everyone did. I found playgroups helped there - things to do and people to talk to when DCs were distracted. Mind you I am one that gets dragged from people I am talking to by DC to play - they are very persistent and strong.

But what about if you have an only?
DS is 6 and does play by himself for short bursts, but then gets bored and starts playing up. I then feel guilty that he is by himself and end up playing (usually Wii or drawing). I try to invite a friend over at least once a week, plus he does a couple of after school activities. There are no kids he can play with round where we live, so a lot of the time at the weekends he is in adult company. I too loathe the whole playing thing but I am happy to go to the park, chat with him, stories, cuddles. It's hard with only one

I can see that it's trickier with only one. But I have two daughters (8 & 5) and they pretty much play together all the time. Thankfully, they have the same interests (gymnastics and dancing) so the most I have to do is sit in the sofa and watch their endless shows. I can just about cope with that .

Other than that, I am more than happy to provide the moonsand, play doh, paints, sticking stuff etc for them but I usually tidy in the background and let them get on with it.

It's definitely easier with 2, because most of the time they don't actually want me to play with them- they're happy in their own little world.

I wrote a similar post a while back, I find it really hard to play with my kids, but we do loads together, reading, park, days out, baking..

I love playing games with my DD's, I think it's easier for men because in my experience we are better at behaving like kids and messing about comes so easy to me...

I'm very much a leave them to it parent, they can fight amonst themselves quite happily.

But looking at it from the other side I regularly go to a toddler group where I don't know anyone and get ignored so rather than sit on my own I sit and play with ds3 (2). And we get hassled constantly by other children who obviously want to join in because our games are by far the most fun. They come and try and get between us or take toys off DS so we move on to somethign else and they do it again. So perhaps some parents could spend a bit more time at toddler group playing with their child rather than drinking tea in their clique and then giving ds and I evils when he finally snaps and takes a toy back or when they go running to Mummy because I have said' sorry, ds was playing with that' and stopping them taking said toy.

I don't find it easy, but I do it. I much prefer to climb trees myself

I can't tell you how relieved I am to read this right now. I've just been having one of those guilt ridden moments about not playing with my children today as I've found myself coming up with so many excuses as to why I can't play with my 5 year old son and his cars, because I just don't enjoy it. I have a 18 month age gap between my ds and 3 yr old dd and fortunately they do enjoy playing with each other (most of the time!) and when they don't, they like playing on their own but my ds is the one who tends to ask me to play with him rather than my dd. Like others I love taking them out to places, reading to them, talking about things, baking and doing crafty things occasionally, in fact even doing Lego stuff, I just don't enjoy the driving cars round and racing and smashing them into other cars that ds insists on me doing and I even used to like playing with cars as a child! Tbh I think I'm happy doing it if I instigate it but basically don't like being told I have to do this or that!!! I hate this whole feeling of guilt that motherhood brings I even feel guilty writing this down here!!

DH is an only - spent a lot of time with a close friend his parents made very welcome. His friend often stopped over due to his family circumstances. He also spent a lot of time roaming the surrounding countryside - 80's, remote and with exceptionally incredibly naive relaxed parents.

From what his parents say they spent very little time with him and they often go on about how often they left him. TBH I think they did miss out but DH thinks his childhood was a happy one and his parents don't express any regrets though MIL was very odd after birth of our first.

I think an only DC with today parenting is going to mean a lot of parental playing.

Im just the same as the majority. I certainly dont relish the time playing with my children. I have a 7YO DS, 4YO DD1 and 6MO DD2. DD1 and DS just tend to go off and play by themselves. DD2 is either asleep, feeding or just happy eating her toys. I do sing to DD2 and go for walks/to the park with DS and DD1. I also arrange play dates at venues such as soft play occasionally. Thats as far as my involvement goes Im afraid. Im lousy at baking so avoid that and I have no imagination for crafty things. DH plays lego with DS though.

I have friends who are constantly telling me on FB that today is baking day, craft day or whatever. I just dont have the energy for that plus Id much rather be MNing I do sometimes feel guilty, but I did hear that it can be bad for the child if you are constantly playing with them as it delays their imagination and ability to enjoy their own company. Obviously it works the other way too and you shouldn't ignore them completely.

Also it must be harder for only children, but even then I think it might be nice (depending on the child of course) if its possible to try to encourage small times for them to amuse themselves. Its good practise for adulthood when you really are on your own at times which is likely.

I was an only child and my parents never "played" with me. I was quite happy to get on with playing with my toys, lego or Sindy dolls or whatever, riding my bike, or playing with friends. I don't remember Mum doing crafty or baking type things with me either. I do remember I spent a fair bit of time with my Dad, but it was always "doing" things like gardening, or walking the dog, rather than playing as such. As an adult I am sociable but am also very happy with my own company, in fact I rather relish time alone as it's quite rare!

I know my Mum thinks that children get far too much attention these days - as she puts it, when I was a child the adults decided what they wanted to do and the kids fitted around that. Nowadays my Mum thinks that we decide what to do based on what the kids would like and we fit around that. I think maybe she has a point!

I think 'playing' includes spending time with. I spend very little time playing tigers or chucking balls. I spend a lot of time talking to my dcs and wandering about with them.

I agree with your mum teeny

Oops, it's not that I dissagree, but I just have different views. We do lots of things with our kids, days out, park, going out on our bikes, etc but I try to spend ten minutes every day with each child (I only have two children so it's not that much time) to play something they want to play. When they were little, I would just set up some toys, let them do the playing, and I would watch, participate, let them lead the game/pretend play, whatever it was. Now they are older we do board games, colouring, or puppet theatre, football, etc , and I try my best to do it with no music, tv or anything else on. I don't find it an effort, I really enjoy it, it doesn't take too much time, and I personally find it rewarding and hope that my kids enjoy it too - which I think they are. For me, it's not really a question of the adults deciding what they want to do and the children fitting around that, for us it's just part of spending a few minutes one-to-one. I enjoy it, feel priviledged to be able to do it, and they are growing up so fast it won't last for long.

I rarely play with my dc's.

However, I do enjoy playing at the park and now they're 5 & 3 we can play board / puzzle games together.

Apart from that, I don't get involved. I talk to them an awful lot though, can't really avoid it in our small house.

dc's are 3 and 5.....I find if I leave them to it and busy myself with domestic stuff they'll go off and make up really sweet games which usually involve many changes of clothes and packing of odd items in small rucksacks....making of a den and a bit of a mess....I don't join in that kind of play but am happy to help sort out some craft stuff, put the music on so they can jump around or get them to help me make cakes, biscuits or similar. DS, first one, is a bit prone to telling me he's bored. DD will happily potter round chatting to herself playing with stuff.....but I do really find that if I force myself to keep out of it for long enough and ban the telly from being turned off they do get quite inventive.

I love reading all your posts. Phew, so I'm not the only one.

I've realised that I do try and play games with them which are finite - like puzzles or board games (those are getting more interesting now DD is older). I like the idea of 10 mins Blueberry - I should do that. Only I have a horrible feeling that I'd do it for 4 days, then not be arsed after that...ho hum.

Hooray! I have been waiting for a support thread such as this! Like other posters, I am full of endless cuddles & kisses and will happily go for a walk and wait for an age as DS (20 months) explores every nook and cranny (sp?), and will get involved at the playground, chasing him around etc. I love reading and doing jigsaws with hm, which we do every day.

BUT I do not generally play with him. Bores me and I am crap at it!

My DM never ever played with us. Far too busy cooking adn cleaning. But would drop her dishcloth in a flash for a cuddle and a kiss. We had the most wonderful relationship (she has passed away) and I do not think it would have in any way been improved by her playing with me.

I play with mine and pretend to be silly things, and lego, polly pocket, fireman sam etc but just because you play with them doesnt mean they expect it all the time.I enjoy it tbh and same as acting around in the park. I have memories of my parents playing with me to. If you get in to to it you will enjoy it.

Surestart do a lot of work trying to encourage parents to do that type of thing, and speaking to a lot of parents they are often afraid of being silly with them, find it difficult to play or have no frame of reference. Soon they often get in to it though and find they enjoy it with their children ime.

'Our idea of parental interaction was my mum sending us down the shops for her silk cut' yy to this!

Love this thread. DH & I were having the same convo last night. He said I don't play with the kids. I said unlike him I give them a social life (have friends with kids over), bake & do crafty stuff, with the old one at least.

I'm really lucky that mine are mostly self sufficient & play happily for hours, even when it was just DD1.

Urgh, I hope not. The other week I told DH that I loathe playing with DS and he looked at me like I'd said I enjoy a bit of murdering in my spare time.

Well, I hate it! I really do. I adore him, and I don't think there's anything wrong with adults who enjoy it, but good God I despise it. I just don't want to.

I will do crafts and baking, or games or books or cuddles. But anything else...just not my bag.

can I just say that if you play with your kids, it doesn't make them less self sufficient. It depends a lot on their personalities, some children are more needy than others, whatever you do with them. I do play with my kids, but also they play together and on their own and are happy to do so. Playing with them sometimes doesn't make them dependent on our input to play.