is it possible to be a parent without feeling guilty?

[Kveta]

I have left nursery in tears a few mornings this week after dropping DS off - not because he is unhappy, but because I know I can't maintain anywhere near the level of enthusiasm for coaxing toddlers to do craft activities or put their sodding shoes away that the nursery staff can. So that's one bit of guilt.

I also felt deeply guilty last night when DS was pratting about rather than lying down and going to sleep, so I just went downstairs and left him to it - he wanted me to sit and cuddle him until he fell asleep. However, he did eventually go to sleep, and then sleep all night, so my guilt was somewhat assuaged by that this morning!

I'm sure a very large part of this guilt is down to pg hormones, but was wondering if there are any parenting decisions that can be made without a side helping of worry/guilt?

Nope. Parenting = worrying.

I've spent my life feeling guilty, but now I'm a parents it's so much worse!

Not a good one anyway.

No, the guilt starts the day you give birth and in my case still with me 14 years and 3 DCs later!!

I think we all as parents spend far too much time thinking we are doing the wrong thing- if you are a WOHM you feel you should be at home, if you are a SAHM you think you should be earning money for better lifestyle for DCs

We always question our choices and compare ourselves to others
Why does my Dc not eat, sleep, talk, speak French, play football as well as x
Is it because I'm a bad parent?

I think we should all try and remember the good things we do as parents and not beat ourselves up and think we are not good enough

That is going to be MY mantra for today

brilliant, so we are all permanently guilty then?! :o

I am already feeling guilt about DC2, and she's not even born yet...

do you reckon it's always been this way, or does the massive amount of information and choice at our disposal make it worse, I wonder?

Oh god you don't need to feel guilty about either of those things. Craft was invented by nursery staff to pass the time do they don't go loco singing endless rounds of Wind the bobbin up. No need for you to do it at home.

If you care enough, then you will always wish you had done better.

But if you care enough, you will be a "good enough" parent, and that's all you need to be.

Recently, someone who I always thought was a fantastic mummy, said how impressed she was about something I had done, that she had not. I always thought she was doing a better job than me, and she thought I was doing better than her.

So, the moral of the story is, don't underrate yourself. You are doing fine!

Of course it is! Guilt means you've done something wrong on purpose and accept blame. Like any other person in any other situation parents make mistakes and we can all point to thing we wish we'd done better. But if we've acted out of love and not deliberately set out to cause harm or make our children miserable, there is rarely justification for guilt

No. But given time you gain more confidence in your decisions about what's right for your family.

I feel guilty quite rarely. I think parenting is bloomin hard work and I do a reasonable job. I lose my temper and enthusiasm regularly from time to time. But I think that is understandable. I always apologise to DD if I think I have been unfair. This itself is a very important lesson for children. My mother was often short on patience, but always always apologised and kissed and made up. If life is always rosy rosy at home how are children going to learn that people have moods/off days/difficulties but that these can be worked through and resolved? If a child never has any disappointments or frustrations it is a pretty poor preparation for life.

Spending from 7am to 7pm every day with two small people (DD 2.8 and DS 5 months) who need loads from you and have no ability to behave rationally, empathise with you or consider your needs is really hard!

When you leave your DS at nursery, you are leaving a little boy you are deeply attached to in someone else's care. Its natural to feel some level of upset about it. Is it really guilt, or just sadness at separation?

Children are a real conundrum. They drive us up the wall and at the same time we love them so deeply and are so attached to them that the minute we are separated from them we can't really relax and we feel their absence.

Congrats on no.2 ! A double helping of the conundrum is on its way to you ...

"Children are a real conundrum. They drive us up the wall and at the same time we love them so deeply and are so attached to them that the minute we are separated from them we can't really relax and we feel their absence." So true. Every night I look at my little one sleeping and think, man, I love you so much! Even when you're driving me crazy I think it must be built in us to want to be the best we can to something that has come out of us, and yet, we're human, which means we fall short.

If you love your child enough and you're doing everything you can for them to give them the best life you can offer, then you shouldn't feel guilty. Always giving a child exactly what they want is not always the best thing for them - that's tough when you see they don't understand (yet) - but I think we should always be questioning our attitude - is what I am doing out of love for them and their best interests?

I feel guilty constantly. I worry that I don't play enough with my DS (he goes to nursery two days a week and, same as you, I see all the things they do with him there and feel terrible about all the times I've collapsed on the sofa and watched Jeremy Kyle while he ferrets about under the sofa putting filthy, horrible yuck in his mouth).

I feel guilty that I've gone back to work; but before I did, I felt guilty that I was depriving him of the company of other children and possibly making him overly dependent upon me.

I get FURIOUS with him when he won't go to sleep (current, massive issue) and then so absolutely sick with guilt about feeling furious that I spend the part of my evening where he is acutally comatose hanging over his cot, stroking his head and whispering 'I'm sorry' like some kind of mentalist.

I feel guilty that I have no intention of providing him with a sibling, thereby robbing him of a play-mate, but if I did fall pregnant I would torture myself that my attention would be split 50/50 and DS would thus miss out.

I feel guilty when he won't eat the food I've made for him, then yesterday, for the first time since he was born (he's now 1), someone called him 'chunky' rather than commenting on how tiny he is, and I instantly felt guilty for buying him the Rollo yoghurts and chocolate buttons that he loves because he'll end up obese with health issues and it will be all my fault.

So yeah. Guilt makes up about 90% of my daily emotions. But the remaining 10% is just lovely lovely huge amounts of love and pride that I've made this wonderful, smelly being

Love your post FeakAndWeeble

I spent all day yesterday doing fun things and visiting places with my DS - i treasure those days because i work FT. Then i felt guilty for dragging him out when he's been so poorly recently

Flipside - if you're having to feel guilty about areas where you feel you're letting the side down, then celebrate by feeling smug about areas where you're doing well! If smugness not your style, then let the guilt go too, I say.

I constantly feel guilty about everything - I could always have done better/more/been more patient etc. Dropping the kids at nursery and having them looking at you through tear stained eyes is such a horrible start to the day :(

Brilliant post FeakAndWeeble.

This constant oscillation between feeling so FRUSTRATED with DS when he won't sleep and is clearly exhausted, to the blissful rushes of adoration when he stares up at me with so much love whilst breastfeeding, is utterly exhausting.

I am also constantly guilty about working freelance and leaving him with his grannies, when I am only ever away for 5 hours twice a week at most. Then I worry he is not with his peers enough. Then I am guilty he will be an only child. Then I panic because I think he is picking up on me worrying so much. Most of the time I am in a vicious cycle or worry/guilt/panic because I think whatever I am doing does not equate to enough time with him and the time I spend with his isn't good enough.

When I was pregnant I expected sleepless nights, fussy eating and temper tantrums; what no-one warned me about the parenting equivalent of an existential crisis everyday.

Wow. I feel a bit better now...

Feak, I was just going to post that no-one worries more than me, but I think you may have beaten me

I worry a lot, and I mean A LOT. Way too much. So much so that I need to remind myself of all the good things happening and calm myself down on a daily basis.

I think it's part of one's personality, some worry more than others, but it's massively accentuated by parenthood.

I think it is possible to be a parent without feeling guilty. If something's my fault, or I could have done better, or lost my temper or whatever then yes, I do get the pangs and generally apologise.

But guilt over stuff I can't control, or results of choices I've made for good reasons - nope, I don't feel it. That makes me sound very smug as if I feel I get everything right - I know that I don't, but I have never expected that I would or should get it right. In fact it's incredibly free-ing to get things wrong.

It's the same with worry. My mother used to tell me I'd understand when I became a parent, that you worry ALL the time and never stop - not my experience so far! (mine are 9 and 5). I worry when there's something to worry about, apart from that I don't. But I know that makes it sound massively simple and it's really not, I wish I could pass on the ability not to worry/feel guilty...

Yes, I feel guilty. Guilty and sad. Most of the time.

For leaving DS at the CM three times a week when he says he doesn't like her and doesn't want to go there. But every evening he's full of excitement about the wonderful day he's had so I don't actually believe he's unhappy there.

For having no involvement in the one morning at week he spends at pre-school. CM takes him and picks him up, and often stays to help out. She keeps his school tshirt to wash and I've never even seen his bookbag.

And I feel desperately guilty and sad that he's going to be an only child. And that he is going to have aged parents in his early adulthood.

badpoet that's very kind of you to want to pass on the ability to not worry!!!

I feel guilty because I am not as nice to DH now that I am a mother.

I also feel guilty because I am a less good teacher now that I am a mother which means that other people's DCs are missing out.

I feel guilty because DD gets less of my time and attention than DS did when he was a baby.

I feel guilty because DS gets less time and attention than he used to before DD was born.

I feel guilty because DS is horrible to DD.

I feel guilty that DD had toast for breakfast and then bread-sticks for lunch and I couldn't come up with something more interesting and imaginative.

I feel guilty because I've cooked something for tea that I know DS is going to hate and is therefore going to result in a tantrum.

Etc. etc. repeat to fade...

However I don't feel even one little bit guilty about going back to work in a demanding job that requires a lot of my time and emotional energy and means that I don't see a huge amount of my DCs during the week. However I do feel guilty that I don't feel guilty about it. Should I feel guilty about working? Everyone else seems to. Clearly I am a Bad Mother because I don't feel guilty.

I refuse to play the 'guilty parent' & 'worried parent' role - it would not make me or my family happy at all.

I celebrate that DD is in a wonderful nursery with more resources and trained attention than I could ever shower on her.

I celebrate that I work FT, and provide DD's with a positive role model, and our family with the financial means to exist.

I celebrate that buying clothes/shoes off ebay (etc) means we can have a family holiday and get to spend three whole gorgeous weeks together 24/7.

I celebrate that my children get as much of my time and attention as possible.

I celebrate my wonderful childminder, who is like a second mother to my 2 sweethearts and lavishes them with love and care.

I celebrate that I am a parent at all, and that I am blessed with being able to share my life with my two wonderful kids.

I accept that part of being a parent, and raising healthy kids and creating a happy family, is to set boundaries, set limits and raise the DC's within certain parameters re behaviour, food etc.

I acknowledge that sometimes I get stuff wrong and make mistakes, but that is OK as I honestly try to make the best decision I can at the time.

I WILL NOT feel guilty about things beyond my control - there is no point, other than running myself down or even worse creating a pity party, and a longing for a life that never will be.

I choose to celebrate the life I have and the children I have and make choices, the best I can to ENHANCE this life, rather than DIMINISH myself and our life with pointless, corrosive guilt.

When worry slips into my head (and it occasionally does) I grab my mental baseball bat with both hands and slog that worry into another hemisphere - I refuse to have 'worry' gnaw away at me, diminishing my life, whilst achieving nothing.

They drive us up the wall and at the same time we love them so deeply and are so attached to them that the minute we are separated from them we can't really relax and we feel their absence.

Really?? Do 'we' all feel like that? Perhaps I should feel guilty about not feeling guilty...

I'm not seeing anything to be guilty about here to be honest... You send your child to nursery where he has a wonderful time with astonishing patient and engaging people - who are that way because a) they have a calling and b) because they get a break from it and c) they are being paid to do it. So no one expects you to be like that and by giving yourself a break from him he gets exposure to these wonderful people and you don't throw the offending shoes in the bin and announce he shall henceforth be barefoot!

Secondly I'm thinking that telling him to stop pratting about and ignoring his bad behaviour actually meant that he learned that bad behaviour does not get rewarded and he needs to learn to go to sleep when told.

You are being unreasonable - but not for the reasons you think you are. You're being unreasonable because there's nothing to feel guilty about!

I feel a bit guilty if I lose my temper with them and get really cross (happens from time to time)

I sometimes feel guilty that the house is so untidy

And getting a new job is on my mind quite a bit - so I guess I sort of feel a bit guilty about not having one.

But my DCs are lovely anyway (most of the time) - So that makes me feel better, and happier