is it possible to be a parent without feeling guilty?

[Kveta]

I have left nursery in tears a few mornings this week after dropping DS off - not because he is unhappy, but because I know I can't maintain anywhere near the level of enthusiasm for coaxing toddlers to do craft activities or put their sodding shoes away that the nursery staff can. So that's one bit of guilt.

I also felt deeply guilty last night when DS was pratting about rather than lying down and going to sleep, so I just went downstairs and left him to it - he wanted me to sit and cuddle him until he fell asleep. However, he did eventually go to sleep, and then sleep all night, so my guilt was somewhat assuaged by that this morning!

I'm sure a very large part of this guilt is down to pg hormones, but was wondering if there are any parenting decisions that can be made without a side helping of worry/guilt?

I can honestly say I don't usually feel guilty as a Mum as I think I am doing the best I possibly can and that is a damn good job. But I do worry a lot, is she ok? Is she safe there? will she fall off that/swallow that/get that dangerous looking object (that is clearly out of her reach)? Why isn't she walking (she is nearly one) etc etc

So totally agree that parenting = worrying.

I don't think it is possible-it goes with the job.

Looking a bit like you've had the last word on this exotic fruits with that classic line

... But then again I expect there'll be more angst ridden guilt confessed to soon by someone ...

My mother still wonders where she went wrong and she is in her 80's and won't be convinced that it isn't her fault!

Quenelle :(

I don't 'do' guilt. I never have really, about anything not just parenting.

Mind you, I was bought up with the mantra that "guilt is a wasted emotion. If you feel guilty about something then stop doing it. If you have done something wrong (that makes you feel guilty) then make amends and don't do it again...."

I think that's very much easier said than done but I also feel for some of my friend that guilt is a bit of a platitude. Only some of them, not all.

I personally don't feel guilty for very much to do with being a mum. It's a hard job, I have a few regrets and I always want to do better but I don't feel guilty.

I was going to post something else but, after reading down, I feel utterly guilty that I am not in fact HipHopOtomus

You see I feel guilty because I am one of those wonderfully patient nursery staff................but with my DC's I am not always ever patient, I dread to think if one of the nursery parents sees me with my screaming toddler under my arm marching out of tesco's, red faced and growling through gritted teeth, i've had enough! Actually did happen once and the lovely parent winked at me and next time at nursery said it actually made her feel much better!

I don't feel guilty. My children are extremely lucky to be born into this family and our circumstances. They should thank their lucky stars they have dh and I as parents.

I work ft. If my dcs are not taking to their childcare or their school, I make changes to the set up. I don't feel guilty. Dh and I just deal with it.

It is almost conditioned into us that as parents (particularly mothers), we must feel guilty. I don't buy into that scam at all.

Repeat after me...........a mother's place is in the wrong.

:o dribbleface!

I don't normally feel guilty - but have moments of it. Possibly not helped by friends and family who like to question what I'm doing ('why are you going back to work? don't you want to spend time with your child?' 'why are you still bfing him?' 'why are you letting him have formula?' 'why aren't you feeding him purees?' 'why do you let him watch any television?' et fucking c). But I have moments of extreme guilt, and just wondered if everyone feels that way :)

have just asked DH if he ever feels guilt though and he went 'why would I feel guilty?'

so maybe it is a mother thing

I did a really bad thing when dd was 10.I had awful period pains and was lying on the sofa with a hottie.Along came dd,'I've got a really awful tummy ache too Mummy!'
My reply:
'Oh for goodness sake cant I even feel ill by myself!'
Later that evening she was in hospital with acute appendicitis!!
She still remembers it 27 years later and I feel sick whenever I think about it.
Now that is something to feel guilty about.

From the moment I fell pg with my first child I felt guilty about everything. Three children later, and I am still feeling this way.

I do my best for my dc's. They come first everytime, but I forever question my decisions and agonise over them.

I have come to realise that this is what being a Mum is all about. We just want so much to get things right for them. The responsibility of being a parent is so overwhelming at times, and it's constant.

I think I've learnt to live with the guilt now, after 14yrs of it......it's part of who I am!

Just remember, the nursery workers only maintain that for a few hours a day, you do it full time. And children famously behave better/are more enthusiastic for other people.

You're doing fantastically. It isn't realistic that he can be cuddled every night until he falls asleep (unless co-sleeping, and even then you may not go to sleep at the same time as him, every one needs a bit of time to themselves to relax and just be), and especially with a new little one on the way, your reaction was normal and fine. :) Guilt and worry definitely come with parenthood, the decisions/focuses just change as they grow. Sometimes parents can teach themselves to be logical about it, and sometimes they're too emotionally involved to do it. Either way is fine. Guilt and worry comes with love, and you clearly love your DS very much to be worried about it.

Imo, you should get DH/Best friend to give you a big hug and congratulate yourself with a cuppa and a favourite thing (hot bath or biccy - whichever's more feasible) for being a loving mummy. ~hugs~

my mum still feels guilty that she did not breastfeed me. I have told her various times that it doesn't matter. She also feels guilty for having had PND, but my sister and I don't even remember that .

poor mum. I guess the guilt never stops!

Me, i feel guilty for not being as patient as I think I should be, for shouting, for sometimes thinking "Oh just be quiet and leave me alone for a minute", for sometimes SAYING "Oh just be quiet and leave me alone for a minute" , for not seeing the last school play (kids not bothered actually), for feeding them chicken nuggets once in a blue moon, for letting them buy sweets with their pocket money, for not having lots of play dates (drive me mad!)...etc etc!

My recipe for reducing guilt: have morrrrreeee babies, until you have to accept that it is impossible to wrap each one in cotton wool, and you start genuinely appreciating developing qualities like 'independence' and 'co-operation' in your DC.

Hey, don't feel guilty about that the grey lady - I'm sure we can all sympathise with how you were feeling and you probably just thought she was copying you like they do all the time when they're little. Sounds like you took her to hospital when you realised it was serious and she was fine - so what's to feel guilty about ?!

YANBU. I feel guilty all the time.

Guilty for not being at home with the kids and having to work. Guilty for having to take time off work to look after sick kids. Guilty for sometimes being too tired to give DH the attention he deserves. Guilty for being overweight and not doing anything about it.

I could go on, but won't...

I agree, with most posts, you really don't have anything to feel guilty about, sounds like you are doing a great job, especially reprimanding him when he's out of line - & of course nursery staff can do all those things - thats what they get paid for - you on the other hand no doubt have a million other things to do & also have to instil good sleep patterns etc, so of course you are going to have to put your foot down & say a loud firm NO - a LOT - doing so makes you a good parent, not a bad one :)

That said, the guilt monster is par for the course with parenting, no matter how much you can rationalise that you didn't do wrong, you can still feel that damned parenting guilt monster nipping at your heels, your stuck with it for life I'm afraid

I feel it big time this morning, my own DD who is a fiercely independent, very capable & bright, old for her years 9 year old, currently has a bit of nasty eczema flare up on her arms - we struggle with treatment due to allergies, so I have natural lotions & potions that do help - DD won't let me put the creams on for her - the first words she strung together were "do self" along with a very defiant glare thats she's now perfected, so I'm used to letting her get on with it, as she's generally very capable & reads well etc -

not this time - I kept asking her to use the derma spray to stop the itching - she kept telling me she had, but complained it stung - she's still scratching & its getting worse - realised this morning she's using the wrong spray - thankfully not one that will do any harm, but it would sting & wouldn't help either, which means she's scratching & making it worse :(

consequently I now feel like crap Mum from hell for not doing it for her, or at least noticing sooner :(

I agree with muriel76 I don't do guilt either.

Maybe because I know that I am doing the best I can, which may be better than some and a lot worse than others, but it is my best and supported by the research I have done around raising a child.

I would love to be in a position to be a SAHM or just work part-time, but I'm not, and it would be a waste of energy to feel guilty about it.

I think it's worth feeling a bit guilty if you have Jeremy Kyle on the TV while the DCs are in the room

In my own family, it's my dad who is consumed by guilt rather than my mum. He's convinced he caused my brother's asthma by threatening to report him to the police for nicking some money out of my mother's bag. My poor father, I really do feel it is a wasted emotion.

For myself, I don't feel that guilty because I don't hold myself up to perfectionist standards. I think it would be a bit oppressive for a child to have a mother who did everything perfectly and who hung over a child's every move, ready to be wracked by guilt and anxiety (assuming the child picks it up - I'm sure you all hide it better than that!)

Mind you, I do feel a bit guilty about food issues. DD(4) currently begs for Thomas the Tank Engine pasta shapes along with tuna for her tea. When I find myself emptying out two tins into a bowl, it's rather guilt-inducingly reminiscent of feeding the cat...

I feel a bit like that (as if I'm feeding cats) when I put a bowl of cereal down for them in the morning on the carpet in front of the telly ! But it seems to work for us, and gets us through the morning !

We like watching "Deadly 60" with Steve Backshaw

Actually it was very educational this morning and DS did some cute impersonations of sea otters having their breakfast.

Sometimes it just depends what angle you put on things !!
(whether they sound good or bad )

I don't do guilt either. I'm doing my best, genuinely. It isn't perfect, but that isn't possible, so why feel guilty about it? I did feel guilty about them eating crap food, so I changed it. I did feel guilty about nursery stuff, so I changed it. I don't buy it that women and mothers are supposed to feel like crap all the time. It isn't pleasant and you wont find many dads empathising with that either. If it's a genuine flaw in your parenting, fix it. Otherwise, don't feel guilty. I've seen my own parents crippled by guilt despite giving us an amazing childhood. It's like they could never be good enough for themselves, and I don't think they could even tell you what they think they should have been doing instead

Cross-posted with Juggling. Your kids wont be damaged by watching deadly 60 with their breakfast! They probably love it and will have fond memories of it. Why would anyone feel they should have guilt over something pleasant??