is it possible to be a parent without feeling guilty?

[Kveta]

I have left nursery in tears a few mornings this week after dropping DS off - not because he is unhappy, but because I know I can't maintain anywhere near the level of enthusiasm for coaxing toddlers to do craft activities or put their sodding shoes away that the nursery staff can. So that's one bit of guilt.

I also felt deeply guilty last night when DS was pratting about rather than lying down and going to sleep, so I just went downstairs and left him to it - he wanted me to sit and cuddle him until he fell asleep. However, he did eventually go to sleep, and then sleep all night, so my guilt was somewhat assuaged by that this morning!

I'm sure a very large part of this guilt is down to pg hormones, but was wondering if there are any parenting decisions that can be made without a side helping of worry/guilt?

the thing is, it's not constant guilt at all - it's just occasional 'oh god, I am such a crap parent' when I've done something I don't think I should have done. Like shouted when he's galloping around the house naked after a bath, and I need to put his nppy on.

I'd say most of my guilt just now is hormonal, but I still got guilty at times pre-pregnancy.

Oh, the was because I rather like Steve Backshaw toddlerama (from other threads I gather I'm not the only one ) - the guilt was more a slight odd feeling I've got when putting down two bowls of cereal on the carpet for them !

But, you're right, many of these things our DCs might look back on with quite fond memories. I loved the 1970 blackouts at my grannies for example, when we had to get the candles out and sit in the dark ! (not that you'd really feel guilty about that as out of your control but I'm sure you get the idea)

I battle with the whole work thing. I am a contractor and on days I commute into London, will literally not see DD (nearly 2) all week as I am up before her and back after she's asleep. I try to balance this with chunks of time when I am not working, and spend every possible moment I can with her, and she and her dad are close. But I am not here to pack her bag in the morning and cuddle her in bed and give her breakfast and round her up and get annoyed with her because she's being a bratty toddler who won't put her shoes on.

The guilt just slays me.

It just feels SO WRONG. I hate it.

"Mummy train." Awful.

I don't suppose it would be possible for her to say up late one night a week OhGood - or perhaps get up extra early once or twice to see a bit more of you in the week.

That does sound really hard, but perhaps a fairly small change in her routine might help you ? Could be more possible as she gets just a bit older ?

I feel guilty for losing my temper so quickly and having less patience than before. Particularly highlighted when people say I'm so laid back and chilled, when I know I'm not. Not any more anyway.

As someone mentioned before, I do always talk to DS1 and DS2 to explain that I'm sorry and I'm tired and/or why I got cross.

Do love 'em though. Very much.

They drive us up the wall and at the same time we love them so deeply and are so attached to them that the minute we are separated from them we can't really relax and we feel their absence.

This sums up exactly how me and my partner feel. We often talk about her a lot in the evening when she's gone to bed and I look forward to her waking in the morning, and yet 10 minutes after we've got downstairs for breakfast and she's demanding things from me, I wonder why??!

It doesn't improve as they grow older. However, it is sometimes possible to persuade oneself that not doing what a child wants is nothing to be guilty about. Hovering over teenagers e.g. giving them lifts whenever they ask when they could take buses is a disservice to them. It encourages dependence. DD, 17, cannot appreciate this at all. Endless battles.

Cut me and I bleed guilt.

I'm a SAHM, so guilt at not juggling all the roles others do, and the one I'm SUPPOSED to be doing so well, I feel that I'm barely scratching the surface of. Guilt if DC watch a bit of TV when I really need a break from talking one octave higher with constant enthusiam for whatever bit of tat/information/body part has just been shoved into my face.

Guilt at not staying completely calm when DC won't eat the food I've painstakingly prepared for them. Guilt for buying cheapy H&M clothes again instead of DVF at GAP. Guilt at wanting them in bed because I'm so tired of the constant noise. Guilt at not doing a fabulous, educational yet thoroughly fun trip every single day. Guilt at not nurturing them so that they are overjoyed with a toy made out of sticks from the garden, a dry breadstick and a fistful of raw broccoli, like the little girl next door. Guilt that I don't buy them enough new toys/that I buy them too many toys.

And big big guilt that I'm not in rapturous joy at every single moment of their pre-school years as I know I'll actually look back on these wonderful years and wonder what it was I found so hard?

Guilt guilt guilt. God this thread is pure therapy.

No! But it's all worth it......she said with wine and chocolate in hand ;0)

Why feel guilty? we cannot be good at everything and some of us have to work. Even if we choose then it is our choice. We do the best we can and no one is perfect, so why are so many great mums beating themselves up with guilt.

I feel guilty when I read lovely "mommy blogs" like Play at Home Mom. They just seem so into their children and doing projects and different activities every day.

I love DS down to my bones, and we do some cooking and art projects, read together, etc, and of course every so often I have to chase him down and tickle him til he shrieks. :) But otherwise I just...sort of let him get on with it.

I think being really really into your children a la those sorts of blogs is a bit weird and wrong. Not good for the children concerned at all.

I agree Chubfuddler-I really dislike them and think-'poor children'.
They make me feel much better as a mother and I would say that you were much healthier as a mother, CheerfulYank.
There is one angelic looking DS with what looks like the 'perfect nursery' and the 'perfect childhood' that really haunts me.
I read a similar one where the mother's slant on it is very different from the people who actually know the family!
I can't imagine why anyone would make their DCs public property.

Picked up 16 mo DS from his CM at lunchtime. "Oh, he's been lovely," she says "a real pleasure as he always is".

30 seconds later when i'm strapping him into the car seat the screaming, wailing and crying starts because he's hungry. So i give him a banana to keep him going, which is gone in seconds. Then some raisins, which he devours. The screaming, screeching and wailing starts up again, accomapanied by him pulling both shoes off. I try to calm him down, smile, talk to him, try to touch his hand fleetingly at the traffic lights and he pulls away, arching his back, full blown tantrum ensues.

Me, irrationally: "For goodness sake DS! Why is it, whenever i see you CM she tells me how lovely you are and as soon as i see you, you turn into a monster??!! I'm fed up with it!!"

5 minutes later, guilt overload. I mean, he 16 months old FFS!!

Perhaps there's a bit of CM trying to keep her customers happy ?

And at least at 16 mths DS is unlikely to remember what you said for long - especially if he was in the middle of a tantrum at the time HTH.

Don't waste any time or energy feeling bad about it !

Like you say and found out he was probably a bit hungry ?

Love it feak and weeble !

I read all this with interest as I constantly feel guilty. My dp thinks its mad!! I think it's a mother thing!! Built inside us. I'm a childminder, and chose this to be with my kids day in day out..... But then I feel guilty about my kids sharing me, their toys, house etc all the time with others!!! But then I have parents saying they feel guilt for going to work,, no matter what u do, u have those feelings !!! . And not just about work and not going to work..... Like lots of others have said it can be most things, what undo with ur time with them, food what ur giving them, etc etc, pretty much everything!!!!

Don't worry, i'm over it - i took him out for lunch (he was hungry, and i was being irrational) and treated him to a ride in one of those mechanical buses which he loved. His CM is pretty honest and on the odd occasion he's had an off day she's told me, in case he's coming down with a bug or new tooth etc. I think it's just been the past couple of days i've felt it more than usual because yesterday evening he was exhausted after a long day (i'd had a really awful day at work too) and cried from the minute i collected him till the minute he went to bed. And this morning was a similar story, and again at lunch. I rarely say things like that or raise my voice (i'm usually pretty patient), so i guess i'm doing ok really! I just don't have enough time with him to waste it getting frustrated.

"Built inside us"

I'm not sure I agree. Since I became a mother everyone and their dog has an opinion on some aspect of parenting or what in thei view we are doing wrong and I noticed I am not the only parent who has found that and it seems more frequently directed at mother than fathers. Very rare I hear we are doing anything right .

We have very polite DCs doing well - but that never anything to do with us.

Just think what would happen if you were perfect. You would be an impossible role model to emulate, DCs would feel failures and end up screwed up.

I'm amazed at the little things some of you feel guilty about.

All the things I feel guilty about are massive things.

Like allowing my dd to go to a rough school because I didn't want to pay for her to have the tutoring which might have enabled her to get into a half decent selective school.

Like not being pushy enough with my dc's primary about ds 2's special needs, which were not, and still are not being met.

My children will not meet their potential at school, and I feel it's my fault completely.

I don't give a monkey's about all the small stuff from when they were babies. I didn't at the time and I don't now.

I try to live by DH's BF's motto that children don't need perfect parents - they need real parents. She thinks that if we were perfect our children would be really badly equipped for life. The only thing I do feel guilty about is introducing both my children to chocolate at the tender of 10 months, even though they only have a small amount and a really good diet in every other respect I feel sure that other people would be so judgemental about my decision if they knew.

I'm sorry you're unhappy about your DCs schooling smf

They are lucky to have you as their Mum though, and I'm sure you have been doing your best for them, and will continue to do so.

Best of luck to you all for the future

If I did not have a silghty different child I would not feel so guity or worry.my child has problems with his behavor and his social skiil. not to the point to need a lot help phiscal help. alot peolple would like to call him austic but what the point if I get no exta help. he is 8,has a stament and assitance after very long battle, when many teacher would like to see him in a speacial school , that will not take him as he to clever, even thought he keeps up with the work in a mainsteem school. he can be dissrutive and agressive somtimes problems happen when thing get hard or confusing and sent home from school with a long letter that dosent explan much only do not bring him back till next week. and it may have to give up what socal life I do have . but at home he not really a problem. the stress happens when school send him home or like this morning they would let him in the school for for talking aggersive at another boy this was till the head came in so she could take resposbity for him comming this 9.45 i had to be some wear at 10 luck not work but If I had a full time job I would have give up by now. I feel guilt because I seen to look after my two children my dauter who is 11 and hardly freind. I fould very differcult agree with speacail need parent as it seens a lazy way but not alway wrong to blame problems on austim I soory about the spelling. tallmirror

Me too. My baby's going into childcare aged just 4 months after Christmas. We worked it out that's the longest i can take as we just took on a mortgage without knowing we were pregnant with ddd no 2. Frantic about how i am going to cope........