constant dinner time battle ends in tears

[bagpussinbootsmice]

dd2 who is 26 months and I have a constant battle at dinnertimes. It happens usually in the evenings when she waits at the table for her dinner because she's hungry - then when it's put in front of her eats about 3 mouthfuls then has a paddy and won't eat anymore.... have tried the time-out thing - in the end I just get cross and I know I shouldn't...
tonight I have gotten really cross with her - she's crying I've been crying... and I've told her she won't have any milk before bedtime.

I know I should be handling it a bit more calmly, but she's not a good eater anyway, and I get so frustrated having cooked then she won't eat. She just starts crying at dinnertime and then asks for milk.... which is what she does when she's tired/upset etc..

I have even cut out afternoon snacks so she must be hungry! Help me before I go mad!

I have a dd the same age. I would offer her the food a little earlier and then once she's finished take it away. I'm not into timeout etc and try not to make a big deal of things.

hercules - she normally has it at 4.30 - that's quite early when lunch was 12.30
what does your dd typically eat in a day, maybe i am expecting too much? I am at my wits end with her!

See what you mean, you couldnt really make it earlier.

She has a breakfast of either a small bowl of cereal or half a piece of toast. Lunch is usually a small bowl of pasta with veg and dinner is a child's plate of rice, meat/fish and veg.

Snacks are fruit usually at least one apple and yoghurt.

it differs and some days she has no dinner at all or barely touches it.

She is still bf first thing in the morning and before bed.

I used to stress with ds but dont stress at all with her. I just take away the plate as soon as she loses interest.

I know she wont starve herself so dont worry.

remember it takes two to have a battle

my dd normally eats about half a slice of toast and some dry cheerios or shreddies for breakfast.

Lunch today she ate about half a slice of cheese on toast - one small piece of cucumber and 2 small fromage frais.

tonight she ate about 2 spoons of jacket potatoe with beans and half a fish finger... some nights if she hasn't eaten any lunch she may pack away a full meal like the other night when she ate half a jacket potatoe, fish and broccoli then had a yoghurt.

I don;t know what to do tonight now - I've told her she won't have any milk before bed - but don't want her waking up in the night hungry. also it's part of her routine since birth and she's never gone without it.

she too has milk (cows) on waking and before bed,

SOunds similar to my dd. Does she have plenty of energy etc? Mine does so that's what I use as my guide. I wouldnt stop the milk if I were you.

yes, normally has enough energy - wouldn't say she was massively energetic - but plays happily most of the day.

if she doesnt look malnourished I would just let her eat what she wants and not make a big deal out of it. easy to say i know.

she is little - always has been, but so was I when I was a babe...

She's clearly eating enough for her needs and appetite so why do you so desperately want her to eat more? Small children really don't need lots of food. And why think about cutting out her milk? It's hardly a bar of chocolate!
This really isn't worth a battle about.
When I get frustrated with ds I always think how much I'd hate someone standing over me telling me to finish that bit of broccoli or eat those swedes etc

I had to post after reading yours bagpuss. My DS was exactly like your DD at that age. He is now 4 and has just eaten a dinner of roast duck, potatoes, broccoli, carrots, stuffing and gravy.

I never thought I would see the day and I used to get very stressed before I realised that no one was winning this battle. I changed tack and put food in front of him, if he hadn't eaten it when it was time to clear up, I took it away. Eventually he realised he'd better tuck in or else it would be gone. Suddenly he was eating veg with gusto and no fuss at all.

I do help him along sometimes because kids do get a big bored feeding themselves even at 4 so mealtimes are much more enjoyable. Hang in there, don't get upset, it will get better I'm sure. All the best.

Also, perhaps an afternoon snack of fruit would keep her appetite going rather than a long break between meals which might make her sugar levels drop, make her ratty and less receptive to meals. Worth a try?

thanks KBear....

will hang in there and try not to get so stressed. I know I shouldn't but at the time it's hard to stay calm. She is quite good at eating her veg, I guess I just worry because she is so small.

Hopefully she'll start eating more when she's ready. Oh, and of course I gave her her milk before bedtime

blimey, that would be loads in our house!

dd (4) today ate:
6 cornflakes, advent calendar choc, diluted apple juice
4 handfuls grated cheese, quarter piece bread, 5 spoonfuls tomato soup, spoonful icecream, water
most of an apple
three quarter piece of bread, about a dozen chips, pea-sized piece of ready roll icing, water

and that was a pretty good day, something actually eaten at each meal, interest in cooking etc etc. Just not worth the stress to make a battle.

What about giving her a cooked lunch at 12ish and then a small piece of fruit mid afternoon then a light tea of sandwiches, scrambled egg etc.

Poor you! My DS1 was also a picky eater and I used to feel that the more time I spent preparing food the less liklely it would be eaten. I would try not to get too stressed, at that age their stomachs are very small and they dont eat nearly as much as you would expect. Also at about 26months growth is slowing a bit so if she looks healthy and is not undernourished I wouldnt worry. Remember a portion of veg is what you can hold in your palm. Not much at that age. If she wont eat take the food away smile sweetly and pour yourself a glass of wine as you sling it in the bin

I'm in a similar position and I used to get really stressed as well! I've learnt (and it took me a while!) to say ok, you're not hungry then, and take the plate away.

One annoying habit my DD has though is to quite happily take a mouthful of food (things I know she loves) and then spits it back out. She'd look me in the eye whilst doing this knowing it makes me maaaaad! Again it took me a whilst to say ok, and then take the plate away. She still does it now and again though.

I think it's true though in that we expect them to eat alot than what they do. As long as they are drinking plenty of fluids and as elastamum says, don't look malnorished or anything, then we shouldn't worry. Easier said than done and it did take me a while to think that way!

dd will eat/try virtally anything for the promise of a star towards a treat, or a chocolate button except when she's tired, then I haven't a hope.....even got some peas down her the other night (a 1st!) and that was a choc button that did that, does that make me a bad parent?

It's so hard not to get stressed when they won't eat. I learned very quickly that the more stressed I became, the less likely DS was to eat. I am quite lucky in that in general, my DS is a good eater, but he's certainly had his moments in the past.

There are lots of things you can do though, maybe give a small snack, e.g. some raisins at about 2:30/3:00 and move dinner back just a little bit to say 5, then DD will have something to keep her going and won't be tired at dinner time. Also, try only putting a small amount of food on the plate, if she doesn't eat much anyway, she may be overwhelmed by the amount of food on the plate. Try reward systems, if she eats a substantial amount of her dinner, then offer her a nice pudding, or just something nice, even if it's only a magic star or a couple of choc buttons, but no reward if she doesn't eat a decent amount of dinner.

And try not to stress, but show her how happy you are when she eats a nice amount of dinner.

That sounds ok in terms of quantity.

If you look at the actual size of children, their stomach is really small, and I htink that sometimes we all expect them to eat more than they need to.

If anything, try pushing back suppertime by half hr or so, introduce some fruit in the afternoon, then she isn't starving for her supper. If you are really hungry, you may not need to eat as much to feel full.

Dd1 was a picky eater until DD2 was weaned - now sjhe is much better, though doesn't like to try new food always.

My friend recently had these issues with her 2 year old. Epic food battles! She gave him his dinner and he would refuse to eat any and say yukky etc.

A nutritionist friend told her to offer him the food and if he refuses it, make it clear that there will be nothing more til the next morning (not sure if that included milk). She said he wouldn't starve and was just trying the boundaries. She did it for 3 days and now he eats everything.

Worked for her so may be worth a try.
I was considering trying it on my 16 month old but think he's too young to understand the "no more til morning" concept.

bagpuss, my dd (similar age) is small too - so I understand your anxiety . As I always tell other people - she eats what she eats! She is a snacker - small stomach I guess and inherited from me. If I can find something she eats (eg tomato pasta, broccoli), I will make a week's batch of it and feed her throughout the week, with snacks/supplements of ham, avocado slice, bread with peanut butter/jam, cheese, sausage, cereal (yes, lots of it) with milk, freshly squeezed orange juice.

Mind you, she might eat only a fraction of this. Other days (less often than not), she eats for two. But because I did not spend a lot of time putting this delicious spread together, I am fine to just clear things away uneaten - nothing said.

I believe size has a lot to do with genetics, not the amount you are feeding - unless it is a starvation situation, which clearly it is not. I say this because dd previously spent time in hospital where they fed her milk via a nasogastric tube. She was poo-ing and wee-ing like it was going out of fashion because the quantity of feeds was too much for her little body but ... she still hardly gained any weight!

Bagpuss,

Know just how you feel. My dd did the same at that age. I did the same as you spent ages making food for her and getting relly upset when she wouldn't eat it. Most of my recipes were from Annabel Karmel's(not sure if that surname is right) book too and little comments about how her children loved this etc seemed to rub salt into the wounds too.

She started eating better when she stopped her milk (that was at 2ish), but it took me a long time to realise that she actually eats one big meal a day and one snacky type meal and at least one snack a day. I worry now that trying to get her to eat more than that will encourage her to over eat later on in life. (Like me )

Think you're doing fine.... good luck

I think it helps if you don't spend ages cooking as well. My dd gets lots of healthy snacky stuff that I don't have to cook (oatcakes with cheese, avocado, hummous, fruit, yoghurt etc) so it's not as galling if you have to throw it in the bin.

Eat later and together if possible.