Does anyone else constantly run a sort of Good Parenting tally in their head?

[Tortoiseonthehalfshell]

Because I said this to my husband this evening and he looked at me like .

On the days when I'm at home with DD (2.5) I have this constant refrain in my head; well, we've made homemade playdoh and gone to the park and had an Educational Outing To The Post Office (o god what has my life become) but then I let her watch TV for half an hour over her allotted amount so I can play on the internet, really there's no excuse for that, how much fresh air has she had today, did the gardening include enough actual running around exercise or should we go for a walk as well and the muesli bar probably wasn't the best morning snack but I guess it had fibre in it.

I get to the end of the day with a mental report card; diet, exercise, improving activities (right proportion of crafts, life skills and imaginary play), proportion of my time spent paying attention to her and encouraging her appropriately vs telling her to hurry up/calm down/be careful/oh for goodness sake child.

Am I entirely insane or do all mums do this? I'm feeling entirely insane, reading this back.

I'm pretty analytical, anal even so I do this. It's my personality. When I'm at home(work part-time currently on maternity leave), I see it as my job- 12 hour shift until bed-time until the night shift begins. I take my breaks when I can during naps/when DCs are in bed or when DD1 is at pre-school/with OH but when I'm "on" I try as hard as I can do do a good day's work.

I do use cbeebies and ready meals occasionally. I do fall short but all in all I try to give parenting the same commitment that I give my other job. Why wouldn't I, I'm a perfectionist- it's my personality.

I don't do this and one reason I think, is that I don't think ensuring that my DC were to do x and y would result in good parenting.

Each stage of theur life is so very different. Indeed often each day is different...I need a much more flexible approach iyswim.

i do this to an extent, i go through it all in my head, feel terrible that im obviously a lazy, terrible and neglectful mother. then decide that DS is way ahead of where he should be (academically, physically he's a bit smaller than average) and he's a very well behaved affectionate little boy, so i'm learning not to sweat it so much.

i used to have kids TV on ALL morning to let me get stuff done, but past few weeks i put radio on in the morning and he "helps" me while we have a dance, actually makes you feel really great about starting the day, i would highly recommend it.

DS is 2yo BTW

I go through phases depending on how knackered I am (youngest 16 months) but I always read with my 5 year old every day and I make sure both of them eat something green most days (not easy..). Actually I worry a lot less about my parenting skills since my daughter started school last year and I saw a mother feeding a 6/7 month old baby a packet of wotsits for breakfast in the line whilst complaining to another mother that he was 'a right fussy little b@stard'!!!

I'm not the only one! I thought everybody did this...

I find myself issuing a "report" to DH at the end of the day and he's very [hmmm] at me too.

[hmm} even

i came to motherhood 'late' (had my DD1 at 40) but had been very involved with my nephews when they were babies and toddlers, plus had worked as a nanny etc....so I have had lots of time to think about the kind of mom I want to be and I guess as a result I am very - careful and conscious about my parenting choices (I definitely don't mean to say that I do a better job or make fewer mistakes or anything - only that I spend a lot of time thinking and judging what I do!) I don't think I am over-anxious, and I don't let DD determine evrything about my life (my biggest 'thing' before she was born was that she was going to fit into our lives, not the other way around, KWIM?). But yes, I guess that I feel very conscious of the long-term impact of everything I do with her. I do 'keep score' a bit and I think I need to - like others have said, if I didn't, I'd be worried that I would just sort of drift into bad habits. That's cuz I am a bit lazy and procrastinate. If I didn't monitor my own parenting, I'd wake up in a year's time and feel like things were totally out of control.
Does it make me neurotic? I dunno. It seems to be working, because my baby girl is SO easy and happy and healthy. Or maybe I just got lucky with her.

or

I don't do this. Which is surprising because I can be as PFB as the best of them, although I try desperately not to appear so.

Perhaps it's because I'm out at work 4 days a week. If I had more days to think about it perhaps I might.

Or perhaps I'm too bone idle.

did you work before maternity leave? We found in our baby group that those who had very organisational jobs where they were constantly answerable for their actions continued in the same vain with their kids. Making list, ticking off achievements/failures. I did it to an extent but I have friends who were driven about it and became obsessional and depressed (drugs sorted them out of course!) about everything from the exact mm of milk drunk to the bowel movements. It dont think it is that unusual myself.

Oh dear, I feel a bit inadequate... My list to tick off at the end of the day is quite basic: both girls (aged 16mths and just turned 4) alive? not bleeding or otherwise in pain? reasonably clean? reasonably dressed? not hungry or thirsty? house not resembling a dump (for dh's benefit rather than mine)? in bed at a reasonably time?
Done.
I am already getting unreasonably stressed about my oldest starting reception this autumn though...

I very much tallied up everything that I did with DD1, never bought any pre-made baby food, always played with her, took her for walks, took her to the park and went on fun outings. Once DD2 came along, and I bf her for 9+months, things had to be compromised somewhat. DD2 was and is left much more to her own devices, and of course she has DD1 to play with when she is not at school. I do some fun things with DD2 but no-where near to the same extent as with DD1, now DD2 is 2 and she is far more laid back and will play by herself for a fair chunk of time.

DD1 has yet to master the idea of entertaining herself and is far more demanding than DD2, is this a function of how I was when DD1 was a baby or just chance?

My DD is now 6 and I am back at work and it has only got worse - it is a bit of a "guilt" tally for me. Have I done enough with her after I picked her up from the childminder and before bed to offset the guilt of being a working mother.
BTW - am giving up work next week and we are moving to a cheaper area to reduce our outgoings - partly because I never wanted to be a working mum.

Tortoise, I not only do this, I um enjoy it. How sad is that? It helps balance the week out sometimes. If I'm busy or ill or knackered and they end up watching too much TV one day then I tally it (not thought of it that way but it is that) by taking them out for a long bike ride or swim at the weekend. And always tally the 5 a day. Always always. And the dairy. It's not a bad thing, I think, to be focused on what you're doing as a parent and to try and stay on track. If I were as meticulous in all things, I'd be a roaring success at something or other!

I do this and I'm proud of it! Its how I replace that thing in work where people notice you doing good stuff and praise it. My lovely man is NEVER going to notice that I cleaned the kitchen floor, so I add it to my tally in my head and it makes me feel better about all the stuff I do wrong, like getting my DD into school after the bell has rung...

I don't keep a tally on a daily basis but I do sort of do a quid pro quo calculation.

Eg she had shepherds pie and loads of veg for lunch so beans on toast is fine for supper.

Eg we went swimming and to the park yesterday so we will just doss around the house today.

I do this. I am very conscious that I procrastinate and that if I don't do this I will curl up on the sofa with MN or a book and look up every now and then but otherwise not interact at all.

I mainly keep tally of the time I have spent actively playing with them (not tidying up while they play) or reading to them but time that is completely focussed on them. It is easier with DS because he still bfs and we co-sleep but DD is now nearly 4 and DS is such a pickle that it is easy to leave DD out a bit (not deliberately but still ). I'm glad I'm not the only one.

Pregnantpause - bless you love, you are bonkers writing all that on your whiteboard!

But it's very sweet to read about and obvious how much you care about your DCs!

I veer between the 2 extremes, I'm either with the DC doing lots of healthy activities, interaction and good food or I'm feeding them crap whilst MNing, I need to find some middle ground I feel. I reckon as long as they are alive at the end of the day then I'm winning.

I do this too, but now we have a "weekly schedule" (as well as our daily schedule) so that I can sort of chill out and not worry about the exercise/nutrition/education aspect of each and every day. For example, on Tuesday morning we go to music class, on Wednesday we go to the pool, and we've just started baking today on Thursdays. It means that in the afternoon after his nap we can go to the park or whatever and I know we've already done something stimulating/improving/whatever in the morning and it's all downhill to bedtime really. Having a schedule may sound like it makes your life rigid, but it's quite freeing really, and helps children predict their otherwise unpredictable world.... if that makes sense.

I evaluate my parenting less on what I do, as on how well my kids are doing, how happy they are, how well behaved they are, how much they're learning. THIS IS ALSO A BIG MISTAKE! (Perhaps an even bigger mistake so don't beat yourself up for your evaluation technique). If ds1 is unhappy at school it's obviously because I'm a rubbish parent and haven't taught him to love learning in a structured environment, if dd has a tantrum in Tesco's I'm obviously a rubbish parent who has no boundaries and has indisciplined, spoilt brats, if ds2 is potty trained day and night by 2.5 and never has any accidents then obviously I am an amazing parent who has taught him SO WELL (brain conveniently forgets his twin sister who is still in nappies).

So...yes, I guess I do constantly evaluate, but it is not in a healthy way. And I am trying not to, certainly not to let the kids notice it (though I'm sure they're sensitive enough to pick it up).

er No, I don't. But I don't think I'm a bad parent. I had years of schedules and punctuality when I was working and there is no chance in hell that I will impose that kind of schedule on my kids. We do what we feel like, go to the park, go jump in puddles, have a laugh, play loads together (I mean together, not me telling them what to do), run around the garden naked (well, them, not me!) and splash each other with water guns.

I enourage them to create, play together (have two boys), and learn. I am not a perfectionist and feel quite alone in my way of parenting because I am very relaxed. We do have rules, obviously, but I try to encourage my kids to make their own choices. I don't think they are worst behaved than other kids of their age, but sometimes I think they are happier.

This morning, they decided (at 6.30) to transform our living room into a pirate ship, moving furniture around, building a plank, finding a pot lid for a wheel and travel neck cushion for an anchor. Most of my friends would have been horrified at the thought of their stuff being moved aorund and messy, wheras this is what I encourage and enjoy supporting them in their creativity. I try not to interupt their play with organised stuff, although this is difficult now as DS1 is in reception. I really try not to control their games, they choose what they want to do. It works for us, they are great kids.

ooh yes it's one long guilt trip

i am teaching one of mine to read and feel crap if i haven't done some- he FORCES me and i sometimes say 'no' - how bad does that sound!

I've only read the beginning of this but I do do it.

I also wanted to say that my MIL has five, happy, close-knit, professional children, four with happy marriages and three with their own children. The kind of children you hope for.

She used to leave them in the playpen for hours while she did x,y,z that needed to be done and they often fell asleep through sheer boredom.

My DH simply cannot understand why I think wall-to-wall tV is a bad thing, why our DCs need to read books all the time etc. He didn't speak until well over 2, didn't read a book willingly until he was sixteen. He now speaks five languages and reads latin and ancient greek on top of that. He's a lecturer and cannot stop talking. He loves his family, he loves us. So my MIL can't have got it so wrong.

You've made me realise I still do a bit of this with my 11 yr old. I sneak breakfast into her school bag, because I know she won't eat any (and hope she eats it on the bus). I put fruit and veg snacks at her eye level in the fridge, so she gets her 5 a day. I send her out to the park if she hasn't had PE, etc etc etc.

Didn't realise I did this until your post!