Does anyone else constantly run a sort of Good Parenting tally in their head?

[Tortoiseonthehalfshell]

Because I said this to my husband this evening and he looked at me like .

On the days when I'm at home with DD (2.5) I have this constant refrain in my head; well, we've made homemade playdoh and gone to the park and had an Educational Outing To The Post Office (o god what has my life become) but then I let her watch TV for half an hour over her allotted amount so I can play on the internet, really there's no excuse for that, how much fresh air has she had today, did the gardening include enough actual running around exercise or should we go for a walk as well and the muesli bar probably wasn't the best morning snack but I guess it had fibre in it.

I get to the end of the day with a mental report card; diet, exercise, improving activities (right proportion of crafts, life skills and imaginary play), proportion of my time spent paying attention to her and encouraging her appropriately vs telling her to hurry up/calm down/be careful/oh for goodness sake child.

Am I entirely insane or do all mums do this? I'm feeling entirely insane, reading this back.

I do this too

I think it does add to general stress, but I can't stop it. I am pleased with myself if I give them a 'good' meal, feel like a slattern if it's beans on toast. But you have to keep a balance somehow, so beans are a pay-off for a 'proper' meal ie one that I've worked a bit harder on. (Btw, I know beans on toast is perfectly nutritious, it just feels lazy.)

I would love to get rid of my internal judging system, but it's there. So glad it's not just me. Definitely do the park/exercise vs tv/computer time payoff.

Yes, I do this in a way. I'm definitely losing though.

Tortoiseonthehalfshell,.... What do you mean you do not understand how to just do stuff and not worry if its good or bad ?

You use common sense. ! Whose standard are you following ? Which theory/expert is right ??
Children need to be fed, sheltered and loved. They will survive and grow with that even if they get nothing else. There are many parents who do not have the time to obsess about these sorts of things and their children turn out ok !

You do your best. You will never get everything 'balanced and right' because there are no firm rules here !
I think your worrying and obsessing is more detrimental to your children than not getting it all 'right' You need to relax and let go a bit !

Are you middle class by any chance? I only ask as there is a middle clash bashing thread which I would link to if I was more savvy.

And yes, I still do this and DD is 11.

I do this - though the parenting strategy, objectives and execution are all of my own decision-making. Actually, I'm much better at designing the strategy than actually executing it...

Davsmum.. I know where you're coming from and agree with you up to a point but ... if I cando better for my children, why not aim to do so? And I'm not talking about big stuff, but more the park vs DVD playoffs..

And FWIW I don't allow my children to dominate my life... I strongly believe that learning how to balance the needs of everybody in the family unit is a valuable lesson.

yup, I do this. I fail almost every day. I am Not A Good Parent. :(

Mamsnet
I totally agree with aiming to do well for your children - thats totally different to keeping a record of what you do and what you should be doing. I would say park visits and organising play for them is normal - it doesn't need monitoring or recording.
Totally agree with you about balancing everyone's needs in the family - and that has to include oneself. I think its mad the way some Mums put themselves last and make themselves into family victims/martyrs. Its improtant to show children that you as a person values yourself as well as them.
Mothering should be natural, not something you timetable and stress about.

I don't think anybody is actually recording these things though.. are they??

^I think its mad the way some Mums put themselves last and make themselves into family victims/martyrs. Its improtant to show children that you as a person values yourself as well as them.
Mothering should be natural, not something you timetable and stress about.^

Totally agree.

Oh, christ, I don't actually write this stuff down! I'm not that much of a loon. Nor am I a martyr, I don't think; I work parttime and have done since she was very young because I don't want to give up my career, I have definitely encouraged traits in her that make my life easier (behaving well in restaurants from very young, for example. I'm damned if I'm going to not eat out for ten years), etc.

I don't follow any experts or any theories. But it's obvious, isn't it, that a day spent at the park and then making papier mache animals followed by broccoli and potato soup for dinner is better than a day in front of Thomas the Tank Engine (or whatever adult shit is on) followed by a dinner at McDonalds? I'm not saying there's not a balance, but that's what the tally is; ensuring that I do enough from Column A to justify the occasional Column B.

The 'report card' thing is because the things that are good for her are usually harder work for me than the things that are bad, so, yes, common sense is fine and all, but I'm afraid that I will start justifying the easy stuff more and more often if I just 'relax'.

Blimey, where did I get all this neurosis? I actually do think I'm a great mum, is the thing. But maybe only because I'm constantly forcing myself to be!

Relax Tortoise!

I don't imagine Davsmum meant you. Your OP just opened up an interesting conversation..

And I sooo agree with you on the behaving in restaurants one.. Mine would have been handed back if they couldn't have indulged my pig out inner gourmand once in a while!

Yes, I do this, but mainly cos I've got a nephew and I feel paranoid that I'm not doing a good job with this de facto adoption situation, I like to think that the things he does well reflect on how we are raising him. I know he will go and whinge and complain to his previous carer (mother in law) about anything he doesn't like, and I don't know what she thinks of what I'm doing, I hope she approves. She says she does but it's in a gushy over the top superficial way that I think is passive-aggression much of the time. And she is an insecure type who thinks "If you do x you must look down of me for doing y". I'm not like that, find that attitude exhausting to deal with.

I think of "screentime" as the great evil, if they spend hours plugged into computer/playstation I feel very bad and guilty.

The choices I make are the choices I make, other people may make other choices, I do not judge them, I am not looking for an argument. We are all different, be boring if we all did the same thing, I do not feel inferior/superior to how anyone else is raising their children.

This is a tone-via-the-internet thing, I'm not at all stressed, I'm amused as hell at the idea of someone with an actual Good Mother spreadsheet logging the minutes spent on, like, Early Literacy and suchlike.

Oh, and Exit - yes, I am your classic middle class with aspirations type, and I think I've found the thread in question. To war!

Tortoise
I just think you are too hard on yourself.
I doubt very much you will start taking the easy option over the more difficult one - you seem far too aware for that !
To be honest, although I hate kids being fed McDonalds and being put in front of the tv all day,.. If that has to happen sometimes to give a mum a break then it isn't that terrible.
Instead of TV , children can be given something to play with to entertain themselves. Its not a bad thing to leave them to it - the more they do - the more imaginative and inventive they become !

I agree Davsmum. There are worse things than occasional meals at McDonalds.

Hello. I do this all the time.
So far I am pleased that she has had a nutritional lunch and now we are off for an educational trip to the chemist, Waitrose then she will play in the park and feed the ducks.

Then telly and fishfingers!

I do this. I'm a horrible failure as a mother (though quite good at my job, which is thank God full time and means I get to spend a lot of my time doing things that make me feel worthwhile rather than failing at maternity). And then one day ds1's consultant (he has Asperger's) told me I'm not helping him by modelling constant anxiety and self-checking in family relationships. I decided at that point that probably the best thing I could do for everyone was go back to the office and stay there.

Yes yes yes I do do this.

Every day must have fresh air, music, books, activity, art/craft, nutritional food etc.

And then I worry they don't spend enough time in independent play. And then I think well yes I did sing a song to them but it was the same old song. It's the same old books, shouldn't we be doing something different/better by now? He has to have 2-3 playdates a week too (and then I worry I won't be able to keep this up when DS2 is older - he's 2 at the moment)

And I have the long term goals I judge myself on DS1 can read and ride a bike without stabiliisers but he CAN'T SWIM and he's FIVE oh my GOD. (Trying very hard not to project this stress onto my DSs by the way before anyone starts)

And if I'm doing that all right then I think but yes what a pigsty the house is in. And how useless am I for not having a job outside the home as well? How will we ever afford school fees if we want to?

Most of the time I'm fairly normal though honest!!

Hyena.. Don't be so hard on yourself!

And what a wanker of a consultant!

I don't know, I suppose DS does spend more time in front of the TV than he should. But then he goes off to play with his trains or jigsaw or asks me to do drawing or reading when he gets bored of that, and in between we have to do certain things like the washing, or cleaning, or tidying up, or going into town to get things. Just normal life really. We sometimes go to groups etc but it's more to break up the day than anything else. Of course he does enjoy them, and they give me some adult contact too. Trips to the park, feeding the ducks etc tend to be moments of needing to get out of the house, or we go on the way back from town/a friend's house/his cm etc. The other day a ten minute walk took 90 minutes because we stopped to admire the canal boats, ducks, ants, and then stopped in the park as well.

I'm laid back about food because DS hardly used to eat anything. If he has a week of fish fingers and baked beans it doesn't really bother me.

I tend to think in terms of how I can make the day run smoothly while trying to get everything done. I don't really think of activities as better than another, if that makes sense. Watching TV has its benefits (it keeps him quiet! ) - it's not ALL about DS, if that makes sense.

Kveta :( It sounds like you're holding your standards way too high if you're failing to meet them every day. That way madness lies I'm sure you're a great parent :)

I so do this.

I've no issue at all with occasional McDonalds, in case I didn't say. I just need to have enough Good Mother credit to spend it on McD's (or MN'ing while DD "entertains herself").

MrsG, yy, if DD and I have a perfect lovely wonderful day, chances are the house is messy and I haven't the energy to do any of my own 'good' hobbies after she's in bed, preferring to just read a fluffy novel, god will I ever get those handmade cloth baby wipes done?

(you think I'm joking about handmade cloth baby wipes?)

And yes, Kveta, I agree with Bertie.

Yes, can totally identify with this, although my benchmark is set somewhat lower.
5 a day F&V has become 5 a week, and if I meet that target I consider it A Good Start.
Ratio of clean to dirty pairs of DS shorts and underpants: 1:35, anything under 1:20 is a bonus. Did they leave the house in clean clothes this morning? Yes? We're doing well.
Has anything in the house been broken or damaged beyond repair, or has anyone been hospitalised after a "free unstructured play" session? If no, I can consider the day a complete success.
Have they listened to and taken on board just 1 of the 15,625 useful and involved parenting suggestions I have made today? If yes, this is classed as a record week and I will crack out the cake, nutella and anything else highly calorific and full of e-numbers.

There was an interesting article about this sort of behaviour, called Anxious Mothering, constantly measuring yourself, in the Independent I think a bout a week ago.

I think you have to fight it a bit, as you might otherwise end as some MN-nutter who is fuming, raging and appalled at the thought of a Fruitshoot or Sausage roll.

I'd try to aim for "Benign Neglect" instead.

In the nicest possible way, but ffs, an "educational trip to the post office"...pfffff, can't kids just learn that sometimes it is not al about THEM and THEIR experience but that mummy has some jobs to do? ANd they have to just come along and be good?

I think making your life a bit less child focussed might do you both a favour in the long run . It did for me!