There was an attempted abduction in our village a couple of days ago, need some advice on giving a 'stranger danger' talk to the dcs.

[LadyDamarel]

We live in a small, very friendly village with virtually no crime bar the usual stupid teens and a very, very occasional burglary (as in there's been 2 in the last 4 years and one was done by a local lad) so everyone has a very relaxed attitude towards safety and security.

However, a couple of days ago 2 men tried to coax a teenage lad into their car in the centre of the village. Fortunately he had the sense to leg it and get help.

My dcs are 7, 5 and 4 and so far haven't heard about it on the playground, thankfully but I need to have the old stranger danger chat with them.

What's the best way of doing it 1) without worrying them - the 7yo esp has a very overactive imagination and 2) without confusing them?

It's a very friendly village, everyone says hello when we're out, people often chat to them in the shop/PO, etc and I don;t want them to think that they can't or shouldn't talk to people but equally, I don;t want them to think that it's okay to trust everyone.

Marking so I can reply later

I'm interested in responses to this. I let my 7 yo dd play outside with her friends. I check on her often, and sometimes one of the neighbours is chatting to the kids - it's a cul de sac where mostly everyone knows each other....I have told her that she should go NOWHERE without asking me first. Not even into next door's house. No matter what anyone says.

Porto, I'd just started letting my older 2 go the 50yds to the postbox on their own. I see them across the road and wait for them to come back but they are out of sight (although within shouting earshot) around a bend for maybe 30 seconds. Atm I'm thinking even that's a bad idea.

Also marking...My 5 year old has a very active imagination. Don't want to scare, but do want to impress seriousness, so it's not forgotten.

Portofino, actually your line is a perfect way of explaining so they will understand -

'everybody here is friendly & kind but if you go into someone's house or car I won't be able to see you, so I won't know where you are & then I'll be worried.
Any time someone invites you to go somewhere with them, it's important to tell them you have to let mummy know first'

of course that depends on them remembering the rule if they're offered something tempting

I want to listen in on any advice too. My children are a bit older (the oldest is 12) and we also live in a quiet, friendly area, but you just never know. Last year a man on a motorbike offered DD1 (then 9) a ride on his bike. She had the sense 1) to leg it and 2) to tell me about it. But what if he'd snatched her?

Ponders, I try to impress on her a lot how important it is that I trust her, now that she is a big girl. She must always tell me where she is, she must not go past the end of the road (I'm more worried about cars), she must not talk to strangers, apart from hello if they say it.

There is a lovely Anne Fine book called stranger danger which helps clarify the difference between strangers, and strangers iyswim. Probably for 6-9 year olds? Would highly recommend.

It;s hard though, especially here (Belgium) as it is very common when we go into shops etc that she gets fussed over. I can think of quite a few places we go to regularly where she gets "Bonjour, Princesse" and gets given a lollipop or chocolate. Fine when I am with her, but I worry about a strange, friendly face doing the same. She is "used" to it ifyswim.

good question, will watch with interest.

I think 'stranger danger' is terrible phrasing actually, as most danger doesn't come from what children would class as 'strangers' (e.g. it could be the nice lady who says hello on the way to school, their best friends older brother, etc).

So I would favour something like Portofino suggests - that the kids go nowhere under any circumstances without talking to you. Even/especially if the person tells them they have spoken to you and you have said it is fine. Impress upon them that you will never do this, and if this happens the person is lying and to get help (and then make sure you don't ever do it )

I read Protecting the Gift on this subject and it advises teaching your children not to go anywhere with anyone, but that children do not know what a stranger is. Teaching them not to talk to strangers doesn't help, as someone with bad intentions may present themselves as a friend (like whiteflame was saying).

In fact, the ability to talk to strangers is an important skill, it is a child's best means of protection if they are ever lost or in trouble. A person you approach is less likely to be a danger than someone who approaches you. I tell my dd if she is lost, go to a woman for help.

oh, good point, whiteflame

it is hard though to strike a balance between making them think about situations & making them scared of everybody

When DD was 8 we were camping at a very nice secluded campsite, 2 miles up a farm track and that far from houses/roads. So I was being quite lax in letting her wonder round the campsite playing with other kids, etc while I relaxed. Every now and then I'd check on her.

Then I couldn't find her, she wasn't anywhere on the campsite. I searched and searched and no sign of her. Then she wondered out of the woods with 2 teenage boys. I was horrified but luckily it was all quite innocent, but it did worry me that these lads had encouraged DD to go with them.

Point I wanted to make is that I said to DD "how many times have I told you not to go with strangers, etc". DD informed me that they weren't strangers as they'd told her their names and one was X and the other was Y. So I think that sometimes adult logic is different to kid logic.

Sounds like I am doing something right in the parenting world for once . When out and about dd has a little backpack with her name and my phone n0. on. I have told her that if she gets lost she should find a lady and ask her to call me.

Gosh, it's just a minefield, isn't it?

Portofino, we have similar issues here - lots of old folk who like to make a fuss of the dcs or friends of mine/DH/PILs who obviously know them but the dcs don;t necessarily remember/recognise. They take it as normal that people are friendly and chatty.

Whiteflame, that's an excellent point re. someone saying it was okay with me. I'll definitely include that. I know what you mean about the risk from people they know but I think at the moment I just need to introduce the idea that even apparently friendly people may not be what they appear.

Talkingnonsense, I'll get that book for dc1, thank you.

Ponders - remembering it and, in dc2&3's cases, having the confidence to say no and walk away is what bothers me the most. I know dc2 in particular would be far too overwhelmed to do anything.

Ladyloo, I hadn't thought about the approaching/approacher aspect but it makes absolute sense. Shame we can't tell them to find a policeman like we were always told as kids. There's been more police cars in our village in the last 2 days than there has been in the last year I think.

Protecting the Gift says not to tell children to find a policeman, as they can't tell from the child's eye view who a policeman is. To children, policemen and security guards look the same (then it lists all the criminal security guards!) That's where the advice to find a woman comes in - women are more likely to stick with a lost child and hel them and far far less likely to be predatory, particularly if it is a woman the child has chosen to approach. I would really recommend the book, I found it reassurring (it emphasises how small the risk is and has some useful strategies).

I nicked a useful line from Libby Purves' "How not to be the Perfect Family" - most people are kind and good, and wouldn't't dream of hurting anyone. But some people are baddies (like XXX - insert character from something they've watched recently) and you can't tell which from which just by looking". This means you're not filling the world with danger, but are still laying the groundwork for "Don't talk to strangers".

Them it's regular reminders about not going with anyone except
Mummy or Daddy unless one of us has specifically OKed it, including not leaving the school with anyone else unless I've told them they have a playmate (or in an emergency, we'll ring and their form mistress will make sure it's OK).

Then you have to define strangers (and that includes people we might see and chat to, but if you don't know their surname etc etc you must never go with them). If a friend's parent offers you a lift, you must always ask them to ring me before you get in the car - I might be only just round the corner and will worry if I don't know where you've gone - and the parent won't mind doing this).

If you get lost, best person to ask for help is a policeman. If there isn't one, try a member of staff in uniform, or go into a shop and ask someone on duty, or if you can't, find a mummy with children and ask her. I've drilled them to recite my mobile number from an early age.

All have done martial arts, with a big self defence component - they've been taught to yell and run away.

And you keep on and on reminding them.

So hopefully by the time they're secondary age and start going out by themselves rather more, you won't spend all your time fretting.

We had this happen in our village a few years back and it caused a huge difference of opinions and what parents told their children. The main problem was the older children in school whooping it up to the younger ones, we all knew the car that tried to take the child and the kids were almost on watch!!!
It really didn't scare them but it did get talked about but it was soon forgotton.The message has always been the same, you stick together, always tell your parents where you are and stay within the set boundries otherwise you're in!!

Thanks you for all your thoughts and input. It's been very useful, will go and talk through dh what we're going to say and then drum it in constantly.

Interesting thought about the police/security guard confusion, I was just thinking about what my mum used to say to me, back in the dark ages!

The idea of going to a lady or another mum with children is excellent and I will tell them that; getting them to learn a mob no off by heart is also good - dh's is relatively simple and his phone appears to be surgically attached to him .

Danthethird, out of interest, are people still more vigilant than they were or has everyone relaxed back into their 'safe small village' mentality? I kind of feel like we're almost safer now than we were before Wednesday because everyone is hyper aware and the guys who did it aren't going to try it again here, but I don't want that to become complacency yet I don't want to be paranoid and overprotective either.

Sorry, Danthe4th, not third .

You'd be lucky to FIND a policeman these days! We were reading "My Naughty Little Sister" recently, and that is stuffed full of (modern) parents nightmares. They go the stream and the toddler falls in. They go to the fair and the toddler gets lost and gets brought home by the police.....

Oh and the toddler has a strop when dad is left in charge/working and goes to hide at the local greengrocers

I've been reading those with dc2 and imagining the MN threads that would result these days .

Fab books though, dc2 loves them.

The sad thing though is that probably NONE of those things is inherently more dangerous than it was. There are just more cars, and people are afraid to help/speak to children. Why should I think "horror" with relation to the friendly, neighbourhood green grocer?