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Parenting

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Original poster

looking after grandchildren

79 replies

grannyhen · 05/05/2011 20:26

My daughter has an 8mth old baby and is considering going back to work soon. I have offered to look after the baby 2 days a week for her. This would mean that I would need to stay with her and SIL a couple of nights a week. DD is very keen to do this.

The problem is son in law is not keen. He seems to think nursery is better for the baby but in truth I think he is a bit jealous that I would be spending so much time with gc. I already stay with them often to help my dd while on maternity leave.

I would be taking gc to lots of baby groups and surely that is better than nursery and I would be doing it free! My daughter thinks this is a good idea as she is not keen on leaving gc in a nursery so young.

What do others think?

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Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

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froggers1 · 05/05/2011 20:29

Hi - I have a 2 yr old and my mum is retiring soon and I will look to going back to work and she will look after my son a couple of days a week - (which she wants to do). My son adores his Granny and I would much rather he were with her than in a nursery too much. He already goes to playgroup 2 ams which he loves but wouldn't be keen to send him to nursery FT over being looked after by a family member.

Curlybrunette · 05/05/2011 20:32

I can see this from both sides, it would be lovely for your gc to have her granny so close and for your daughter to know her child is being loved and cared for by her mum but I do understand that your sil might not want you there for 2 nights a week. Part of it could well be jealousy, and part of it that he doesn't want anyone else there in his home for 2 nights a week. This is no offence to you at all, he might just want it to be a private time with his wife and daughter.

thisisyesterday · 05/05/2011 20:33

i think there are pros and cons.

I agree that it's far preferable to have family looking after the baby, and giving it one to one care in its own home. I would much rather do that

but, using family can have downsides... what if you find it too much and don't want to continue? what if your daughter doesn't like how you're caring for your grandchild? will you do it for free? your daughter and son-in-law may end up feeling indebted to you and not like taht. Perhaps your son-in-law doesn't like the idea of having you to stay every week? it can be hard sharing your home with someone else

all things that it's easy to say "oh well that would never happen" but it's hard to tell until you're actually doing it
I am sure it works really well for a LOT of people, but it can also go wrong.

your daughter needs to find out exactly why her husband is not keen on the idea and the decision needs to be made between the 2 of them. perhaps you could agree to start doing one day a week instead?

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NurseSunshine · 05/05/2011 21:15

Why not put her in nursery for one day and you look after her the other? Or in nursery in the mornings and you look after her in the afternoons? Then baby gets the benefit of being looked after by family plus gets to socialise etc at nursery. Also cheaper than nursery full time. Everyone's a winner!

AnnieBesant · 05/05/2011 21:18

I wouldn't want my MIL to stay here two nights a week. I'm sure you are really lovely, but I think it is quite an ask, and the fact that you are dismissing his concerns and accusing him of jealousy makes me think (sorry) that he might be right to have them.

mossi · 05/05/2011 21:21

My mum looked after my dd when she was a baby for two days a week and stayed with us overnight in between the days.

I think it was far better for my dd to have the attention from someone who adored her at that age and was a great way for my mum and my dd to bond. By age 2.5 she wanted action and other dcs and that's when she went to nursery.

But I can see how it could all end disastrously if the dh is not comfortable with someone staying every week. It did feel quite intrusive and stressful to have a house guest every week. Could it be the dh is more worried about this?

My DH is quite laid back and coped fine (especially when it meant we got to go to the pub after work for an hour) but I must say I found it quite stressful having my mother stay every week.

johnpaulII · 05/05/2011 21:39

Well actually I currently stay with them 3 nights a week anyway. THis has worked very well but we have occasional upsets, a few early rows about religious differences but things are much calmer now.

DuelingFanjo · 05/05/2011 21:42

I think your daughter needs to talk to her husband about this.

JohnPaul are you the OP?

Original poster

grannyhen · 05/05/2011 21:45

erm yes - apologies I accidentally posted under my dd's username by mistake.

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DuelingFanjo · 05/05/2011 21:46

but your daughter's baby is 6 months old, not 8 months?

Original poster

grannyhen · 05/05/2011 21:47

The thing is by looking after the baby I am actaully doing them a favour and saving them money so think SIL should be grateful really.

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Original poster

grannyhen · 05/05/2011 21:50

I always change personal details slightly to avoid RL identification and embarrassment.

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thisisyesterday · 05/05/2011 21:55

If you already stay with them 3 nights a week anyway then why did you say "this would mean I need to stay with them"

am confused

DuelingFanjo · 05/05/2011 22:01

I think your Daughter must sit down with her husband and discuss her worries over nursery care. Really you shouldn't get involved and should only advise your daughter to speak to her husband.

As another poster has said, I wouldn't want my MIL staying 2 nights a week, or 3. Do you live so far away from them that you have to stay?

Original poster

grannyhen · 05/05/2011 22:02

At the moment it is unofficial and ad hoc to help occasionally. If daughter returns to work it will be everyweek.

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Original poster

grannyhen · 05/05/2011 22:03

200 miles

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nannynick · 05/05/2011 22:33

I wouldn't want a MIL staying 2 nights a week every week either!

Caring for a baby is also a big commitment, you have a life of your own... while it's nice in the cuddly baby stage, it's not so nice in other stages, isn't nice when children are ill and as they get older, toddlerhood is fun but challenging at times as I'm sure you probably remember having brought up children of your own.

You may well save them money... but you incur money - the 400 mile round trip each week.

I feel they should discuss all childcare options... you are an option, as it nursery, as are other types of care such as a childminder.

AnnieBesant · 05/05/2011 22:36

I wonder if your SIL really is OK with you staying, and your comments about him being grateful, again, gives me pause.

MrsBonkers · 06/05/2011 04:18

I doubt his reluctance has anything to do with the childcare.

PenguinArmy · 06/05/2011 04:32

erm you just said your SIL should be grateful

it doesn't matter what other people think (was going to suggest a 3 week trial period). This is to be resolved betwen them and outside interference will cause more harm.

Original poster

grannyhen · 06/05/2011 09:25

I cook and clean for them as well as look after gc. I am not sure they would cope so well on their own. I will tell my dd to discuss with SIL again, though it is half her house and she has main responsibility for gc so she should have the final say I think.

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coppertop · 06/05/2011 09:30

I'm starting to see why your son-in-law is reluctant. It's not your place to tell your dd what she should be talking to her husband about. It's not your place to decide whether your SIL is jealous. And it's not your place to decide what someone else's childcare arrangemenys should be.

Longtalljosie · 06/05/2011 09:31

I think, with the greatest of respect, you need to take a step back from this and allow the parents to decide between themselves. It's their marriage, and their baby, and their joint decision. Yes, I tend to think your gc would be better off in a one-on-one environment but that's my personal opinion and not everyone agrees with me.

You're staying there a lot. Is that having an effect on your daughter's marriage? The first year of a baby's life is very stressful for a couple - perhaps the best thing you can do for all three of them is give them a bit of space? Sorry, I know that's not what you wanted to hear. I'm not suggesting you never see your gc but 3 days out of 7 is practically living there...

Original poster

grannyhen · 06/05/2011 09:38

I just like to point out altough i offered to look after gc it was in resonse to concerns about nursery raised by my dd.

OP posts:

Original poster

grannyhen · 06/05/2011 09:40

Maybe I should just leave them to it and then have my dd upset on the phone to me every night.

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