looking after grandchildren

[grannyhen]

My daughter has an 8mth old baby and is considering going back to work soon. I have offered to look after the baby 2 days a week for her. This would mean that I would need to stay with her and SIL a couple of nights a week. DD is very keen to do this.

The problem is son in law is not keen. He seems to think nursery is better for the baby but in truth I think he is a bit jealous that I would be spending so much time with gc. I already stay with them often to help my dd while on maternity leave.

I would be taking gc to lots of baby groups and surely that is better than nursery and I would be doing it free! My daughter thinks this is a good idea as she is not keen on leaving gc in a nursery so young.

What do others think?

It may be hard for you but yes you do need to let them work it out. Your dd is an adult. If something is upsetting her that much then she needs to take steps to resolve those issues. That could mean a visit to the GP if it's likely to be depression, counselling if it's a relationship issue, or through talking to her dh. You can be there to support her but you can't do it for her.

The advantages of free childcare will not make up for the strain on her marriage from having you living with them two nights a week. If you lived close enough to go home every night I would be right alongside you in wondering why your SIL wasn't happy, but staying over is a little too much.

yes, I think maybe you should leave them to it for a period of time. What is she getting upset about?

Obviously I don't know your daughter and given that she will easily find this thread if she searches for posts she is on (and sees the post you made accidentally using her username) and I don't want to make assumptioons about her character, but mabe she does need time to learn to stand on her own two feet, or at least to discuss and arrange things with her husband without the involvement of her mum?

Could you step back? Maybe talk to her about this thread and the advice you have been given to do so?

With the best will in the world, having your MIL staying over two nights a week is a BIG thing. I like my MIL, a lot, but I couldn't live with her

I think you sound lovely and caring, your dd and her dh are lucky to have you, and I am sure they know it. And personally I agree that your dgs would probably be better off in your care than in a nursery.

But it may just not work because of the syaing overnight thing. I don't think most people would cope with that, however lovely you are. Is there any other way? Do you live that far?

It sounds like you are way too involved in their relationship and that your daughter relies on you way too much.

This is not your decision, you don't get a say.

The best thing you can do for your GC is encourage her mother to stand on her own two feet like an adult should, and butt out of her marriage.

My mum comes and helps me 2 days per week and stays 1 night per week. She is close to my dh so it's fine and mostly they sit together talking, sewing (DM!), watching TV while I go to bed early!

I think it's lovely that you are happy to do this willingly. I don't think your DIL is being dependent in taking up your offer of help AT ALL. But if she is relying on you to sort out the issue for her then that's not great. I do think your DIL needs to sort it out with her dh, find out the reason why he's not keen on the idea (could be several reasons, all of them quite reasonable), and then get back to you on their joint decision. How about a compromise with one day at nursery and one day with you? You have offered and now it's up to them to decide. You don't need to be in the middle over this and you shouldn't be.

I would be saying no in their shoes too.

I think you need to back off.

I wouldn't want my own mother staying every week, or Mil! I also think the balance of power, for want of a better phrase would shift.

Your son in law has just as much say, or clout as your daughter in this, you'd do well to remember that. I can kind of see why he is trying to keep a little independence here.

200 miles is a long way, I think a good, flexible nursery would be the better choice

I can understand your SIL's reluctance- it is difficult when one is not paying for childcare to say 'I want this done this way, and this done at these times' etc etc etc, particularly when the unpaid carer has a different approach to parenting to oneself.

This is one of the main reasons people returning to work choose to pay for their childcare- people being paid for their caring time will be used to specific detailed instructions, and more likely and willing to comply with the parents' wishes.

If you want your SIL 'to be grateful' to you, then I think you are making your offer of care on the wrong basis. In his position, I would be paying for childcare.

She had a very traumatic birth and is still very traumatised. I do not want to add to her trauma (she is having professional help for PTSD). Also goiing to RElate.

I just want to help in what ever way I can. When I am at their house I stay out of the way in an upstairs bedroom on my own meditating whist SIL is at home. Only during the day do I usually go around the house.

I must admit I tend to agree with the recent posts. However much you get on with your MIL most people would not want her living with them for 2 nights a week. I'm sure you're just trying to help your DD but do bear in mind that every mother gets distressed about leaving their baby at nursery at first, I know i was distraught. But the nursery my DS (10months) is in is fab and he's so happy there and has been since he started 4 months ago.

Perhaps you could try seeing the nursery with your DD and try to reassure her that she's not being a bad parent and that her LO will be fine. Perhaps you could be available the first couple of weeks to pick up the baby from nursery if there's a problem? I know it may be harder for you but I think perhaps you need to encourage her independence a bit. ANd if money's not an issue then perhaps offer to pay for a cleaner for 6 months as a gift?

That way you can build up a good relationship with the whole of her family and continue to be a part of their lives, rather than driving a wedge, which may end up with her having to choose between you and your SIL.

I don't for a minute think you're anything less than thoughtful and generous in your offer, but I do think a little misguided.

I think it is lovely that you have offered this. However, if you look two days a week after your GC what would happen the rest of the week? If the rest of the week the GC still end up in nursery then I think for continuity reasons it would be better for him to go to nursery all the time. However, if he does not need to go to nursery the rest of the week then I expect that it would be way better for him to be looked after by you. I think that SIL should be grateful for your offer, so many GP don't help out at all. I hope you can sort it out. Would you possibly consider moving house to live closer to your daughter, saving you this long journey for possibly years to come?

I think instead of playing to her fears and pushing an unwieldy solution that displeases your sil, who also has a say, you would be more caring in the long term to help your dd stand on her own 2 feet. Be supportive, reassure that nurseries are perfectly good, work in partnership with husband etc.

My DH is close to my mum, but wouldn't wnt this. Nor would i! But would be more difficult for him, at least with your own mother you can be open and say if you don't like something, if he were to have an opinion he would be criticising his mil!

Sorry, but I dont understand why you're using your daughter's account? If you're ok enough on MN to change nickname on her account and then quickly change it back, surely you can set up your own account?

I think you're nuts frankly. Lovely for you to offer, but 200 miles then staying for two nights?
a) Thats a huge and massively expensive trip to make every single week -probably 40 or 50 quid - a nursery for two days won't be that much more than this. You could offer to help with nursery costs instead. My SM (stepmum) lives that far away from us and does it quarterly and she still finds it hard going - and she's a very sprightly 67. I think you'll quickly tire of that arrangement.
b) My DH doesnt get on with SM and thinks one night every three months is too much. Even if your SIL likes you, two evenings/mornings/nights in their house is encroaching on their personal space and I see his point. I would HATE it and she's my SM. I think your relationship would suffer with them and you'd be far better off visiting less frequently. Your daughter has a child and she needs to learn to cope with her new family on her own. Support her but dont mollycoddle or tell her what to do as thats not helping anyone.

My dd would only work part time so she would be there when I wasn't to look after the baby. Also she might work at home sometime so could see the baby a bit during the day whilst I cared for him.

They already have a cleaner, so no need to pay for another. I tend to do ad hoc cleaning during the day.

I can't move house as my husband is elderly and doesn't want to move.

IN some cultures (eg. india) it is usual to live with ones MIL

It must be hard to watch your child go through that, grannyhen, and I'm sure as mothers, we know what it's like to want to help and protect our children. However, she is also grown up with a husband, who know should have that role of protecting and caring for her, along with you. I don't know what it's like to have grown up children, but I watch how my Mum handles me/ my dh, and this would be my advice:

Offer support, be ready to chip when asked, don't worry if things aren't 'perfect' eg. the house is a mess, the oven isn't cleaned, the washing's piled up a bit. If they need you there to babysit while they go to RELATE maybe you could do it one of the days your dd doesn't go to work, perhaps every 2 or 3 weeks, rather than every week, or 1 long weekend a month.

Also, let HIM be her rock and support. Maybe he isn't doing a great job of it and you are tempted to provide that for your dd, but I'm sure with the help from RELATE, he will get there and she will love him for it, and it will be the making of their marriage.

As an aside, t sounds like your relationship with him isn't v good if you stay in your room when he's there. It just doesn't sound relaxed IYSWIM. So I can imagine that he doesn't really want that extra stress in the house.

Yes, but it isn't here and your sil has as much right to a say.

Part time nursery would be great, good for socializing for baby etc.

I think your son in law has the same right as your DD to decide what happens to THEIR baby.

I'm expecting DC1 and with DH we talk a lot about how we are going to raise the baby, care for the baby etc. especially childcare for when I go back to work. Neither of us has more rights over the decisions than the other. We are a family and will decide together what we want to do.

We might ask our parents for advice, but at the end of the day, only 2 people can decide: me and DH.

You do sound like you are trying to decide for your DD and her DH. Or rather, you are backing your DD against her DH. This is not for you to decide. She needs to talk to her DH and decide together.

I thought the tradition of living with a MIL usually meant living with the husband's mother.

PS. Gransnet is live! Why don't you asked some other Gran's what they'd do?

It does. Not sure the op would like that idea so much!

Maybe I should just leave them to it and then have my dd upset on the phone to me every night.

Forgive me, but that's a little bit passive-aggressive. What are you saying to your DD when she calls up in tears? Are you part of the problem with Relate? Are you sure?

Look, their marriage is in trouble. Leave them to find a compromise. If you and your DD always have the deciding vote, where does that leave your son in law?

OP you need to be less defensive and listen to some of the messages here - in your desire to help you daughter you have overstepped the mark. It's clear that you and SIL don't get on that well (meditating in your room when he's at home!) and your imput on childcare clearly hasn't helped. Yes in other cultures people do live with their inlaws but more often than not a women moves in with her husbands family and lives under the rules of her MIL - I'm not sure you'd be too chuffed at that idea.

Calm down and step back or you risk less contact with your grandchild not more and/or the gc spending the time when you do stay to help in a tense atmosphere.

Have a

You need to step back and encourage your dd to seek help and support from her husband. They need to find their feet as a family, together. Not with you muddling the water like an omnipresent shadow in their lives. You sound very caring, maybe too caring. But you need to back off, and allow your dd a chance to gain independence from her mum. She as an adult, a mum herself now.

If your own husband is elderly, your first loyalty and concern should be him, frankly, rather than leaving him alone for the best part of the week while you interfere in your dds marriage and life.

I'm still a little that you genuinely think your dd should have final say over your gc's care, even if this means moving her mother into their shared house when it is obvious he doesn't want it. Can't understand why you would want to be there under those circumstances either.