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Original poster

looking after grandchildren

79 replies

grannyhen · 05/05/2011 20:26

My daughter has an 8mth old baby and is considering going back to work soon. I have offered to look after the baby 2 days a week for her. This would mean that I would need to stay with her and SIL a couple of nights a week. DD is very keen to do this.

The problem is son in law is not keen. He seems to think nursery is better for the baby but in truth I think he is a bit jealous that I would be spending so much time with gc. I already stay with them often to help my dd while on maternity leave.

I would be taking gc to lots of baby groups and surely that is better than nursery and I would be doing it free! My daughter thinks this is a good idea as she is not keen on leaving gc in a nursery so young.

What do others think?

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Da1ryQueen · 06/05/2011 13:05

What your DD needs is a good childminder - if you can find one they are totally invaluable. It solves any worries she might have about nursery and is often much cheaper. My DC always loved being with their childminder, she became an extra special person in their lives and they still ask to go and see her now. I know you want to be there to have that relationship with your DGC but it can have a negative effect on your relationship - you have to be seen as strict granny rather than nice treats granny! And if you have a negative relationship with SIL, which it seems from your posts you do, it won't benefit DD's relationship with him if you are around a lot.

Maybe you could offer to have GDC every six-eight weeks for night to give your DD and SIL time to be together as a couple and so you can still have good quality time with GDC?

Bumpsadaisie · 06/05/2011 15:36

My parents have DD two days a week and have done since she was 8 months, too. Its an ideal arrangement - she loves going there and we have never had any tears from her or worries about it whatsoever. Plus I think my parents love my DD in a way that childminder/nursery worker never could, no matter how caring.

So in principle I think its a great idea to have granparents involved one or two days a week. However my parents only live three miles away so it means that:

(1) my mother/parents don't need to stay with us

(2) they can carry on with what they would normally be doing (eg shopping, visiting friends - DD just goes along too).

So DD isn't much of too much of an upheaval in their lives - although two fulls days is of course quite a commitment and I am sure they need a break at the end of their two days! But she does come back to us at the end of the first day, so they get some down time.

There are practical things - ideally you all have to take holidays at the same time otherwise your DD and her DH will use up all their leave looking after GDD while you are away.

I just think you having to be away from home two days a week (leaving your home comforts, your partner (if any) and everything you've got on your to-do list) and staying in their house regularly in order for this to work, may be a step too far.

If they were both totally behind the arrangement, then maybe it would be OK. TBH I think they ought to have come to a common view between them before discussing this with you. If your son in law isn't happy, then it isn't going to be great your staying there two days a week when it wasn't the arrangement he wanted. Your DD and son in law need to resolve this between themselves.

The other thing is, when they have baby #2, how would you feel about having both of them? Because if grandparents have the first baby two days a week and it works out really well, your DD will probably want the same for the next one! I know we do - and we are lucky because my mother is retiring and so says she is happy to have two (DC2 due in Oct).

Bumpsadaisie · 06/05/2011 15:45

Having read the rest of the post you do sound over-involved, sorry.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Families General parenting

dikkertjedap · 06/05/2011 17:16

I think that you are right in other countries/cultures this is much more valued and thus accepted. Unfortunately not in most of the UK. The majority of my friends with young children live on the Continent and heavily rely on grandparents helping out which the grandparents happily do. Here the culture is very different and many children end up in childcare whilst very young. More and more research suggests that this is for a number of reasons far from ideal, but many parents have no choice as they both have to work and don't have family who are able or willing to help out. Your case is different as you are willing to help out. I am surprised that your SIL would be happy to put his son in childcare whilst he could stay with you which would mean high quality one to one care from someone who is committed to him and loves him. Can't have better than that I would think. The whole idea that young babies need to socialise is rubbish and sales talk from nurseries who want to sell their services. What babies and very young children need is one to one care from one or two adults and not a whole string of different nursery workers, who may be committed or may not be. I think we have our priorities badly wrong in this country in relation to children and childcare. I more and more come to the view that this is one of the most child-unfriendly countries in the EU. Ultimately, I agree with you, if the burden of the childcare comes down to your daughter than her voice should weigh more than her DH. It is a difficult situation, you are clearly doing the best you can and I think that your support is no doubt extremely important to your dd. Does your DD have to go back to work or could she stay home to look after her son herself?

Original poster

grannyhen · 06/05/2011 17:42

Thank you dikkertjedap.

My dd could stay home but she's worried about not being able to reenter work in a part time role later on - e.g. when gc is 2 or 3.

It would be up to my daughter to care for my gc when not at nursery - dropping him off, collecting, lunches, looking after when sick etc. And it would be up to her to arrange for the childcare that does take place. Which is why we both think she should be the one who chooses it. (in fact my SIL agrees with this, just wants her to choose a nursery).

OP posts:

Longtalljosie · 06/05/2011 18:14

Oh great, another thread where 99% of the answers say the OP needs to think again, one person agrees with her and she's the only one who gets an answer. Why did you bother posting and asking if all you wanted was a load of yes-people?

mummylin2495 · 06/05/2011 18:37

After reading this thread im feeling very sorry for the Ops SIL

NinkyNonker · 06/05/2011 18:49

I don't believe sales patter or however you put it Dikkertjedap, (am a SAHM and dd has never been to nursery) but I would imagine that she would love having other babies to play with, so I get out as much as possible.

I just think that this situation is not ideal as it is being foisted in the sil and that will lead to resentment. A 200 mile commute is not feasible long term, it is unwieldy. What if your car broke down? You or your husband were ill? The weather was too inclement? They'd be in the position of having to find emergency childcare anyway.

Besides, taking the opinion that your dd's opinion is more important than her husband's is asking for trouble. I would be quite blunt with my own mother if she tried to over rule DH in such a way, and we are very close. I presume that your old fashioned views extend to him not being required to pull his weight around the house, not sharing care at home etc, or should he only butt out when it suits?

But hey, I disagree with the op so why bother posting only to be ignored...as a mother and a daughter what would I know anyway.

Yawn.

TheOriginalFAB · 06/05/2011 18:53

Very confusing when you are used to SIL meaning sister in law. Makes for interesting reading.

OP - step back other wise you might find your dd separated from her husband..

Original poster

grannyhen · 06/05/2011 18:56

I am surprised and saddened by thre hostility of some of these posts.

OP posts:

cat64 · 06/05/2011 19:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster

grannyhen · 06/05/2011 19:22

don't see why you keep referring to 99% of replies when there aren't 100 posts and not all of them are against anyway.

OP posts:

coppertop · 06/05/2011 19:44

You ended your OP with "What do others think?"

Do you now not want to know what others think?

cat64 · 06/05/2011 19:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

QuintessentialPains · 06/05/2011 19:56

It does not matter that YOU think your dd should chose the childcare. It is THEIR decision if she choses the childcare or not.

If they want live-in childcare, they may as well opt for an au pair, or a nanny, not a mother in law who does not get on with her daughters husband.

Even if your dd were to chose childcare, which IS a joint decision, because the child is both the fathers and the mothers responsibility, not the grandmother, then he is STILL at liberty to decide he does not want his mother in love living with them.

coppertop · 06/05/2011 19:57

Of course if we were really going to take up pedantry we could point out that "don't see why you keep referring to 99% of replies" was also incorrect as it was in fact only mentioned once.

But we wouldn't want to stoop so low, would we?

Flisspaps · 06/05/2011 19:58

If she's not happy with the nursery, she can find another.

Or a childminder.

DuelingFanjo · 06/05/2011 20:21

you don't have to have 100 replies to talk about percentages.

You asked for opinion and you got it, people have been mostly polite and most people have given the same advice - for you to step back.

What is it that your DD is getting so upset about that she phones you so much?

Original poster

grannyhen · 06/05/2011 20:34

2 people mentioned 99%. And it couldn't be 99% against unless there were at least 100 replies.. Anyway I've had enough with you young 'uns -I'm off to gransnet.

OP posts:

QuintessentialPains · 06/05/2011 20:49

grannyhen, you clearly dont understand maths. Give it up. You DONT need 100 to have 99%. Not even 100%. 100% of 60 is 60. It simply means ALL.
99% of 60 is the following equation: 60 times 99 divided by 100. This makes 59.40 So 99% of 60 is 59.40. 100% of 60 is the following: 60 times 100 divided by 100.

But I think I am wasting my time.

Original poster

grannyhen · 06/05/2011 20:54

QuintessentialPains - Really, your reply is amazingly rude and ignorant. Re-read it if you don't agree with me. Indeed you can have 99% of any number but a number of replies needs to be whole numbers surely?

OP posts:

QuintessentialPains · 06/05/2011 20:58

where did you see any half replies?

QuintessentialPains · 06/05/2011 21:00

Anyway, your bickering over numbers, or whether there really were 99%, if in fact there were 89,5, or 90, or indeed 100 % is neither here nor there, and just distracting from the issue.

But I think I can see where your son in law is coming from....

DuelingFanjo · 06/05/2011 21:02

Anything can be expressed as a percentage. If there was one reply and that reply was negative you could say 100% of the replies had been negative.

That aside, what people mean is that most of the responses have said the same thing and that is to take a step back.

What is it that has been upsetting your Daughter so much that she calls you in tears?

MarianneM · 06/05/2011 21:16

I think it would be much better for the baby if you looked after her than being put in a nursery at less than 1 year. Babies need one-to-one care. Nurseries are busy places with lots of noise. Also very expensive. I'm baffled as to why your son-in-law would prefer this.

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