wife has taken baby away

[softfocus]

Not too sure if this is the right section to post this but here goes anyway.

My wife and I have been together 6 years and had a lovely little 10 month old wee girl. Over the last few months my wife has "cooled" with me e.g. wanting to sleep alone and though I've found that difficult I've coped realising (or perhaps hoping?) that she needed her own space and all her energies were going to the baby. She has been breastfeeding and has only been separated from her when I take her for walks. She had taken 9 mnths off work but has extended it to 13 months and I know she is dreading going back but we are in the very fortunate position of one of us always being able to look after our daughter.

Since Christmas, she has been spending more and more time with the baby at her mother's house often spending as much as 8 nights away. I am happy with her spending around 3 nights away a fortnight but every time she goes to her mum's saying she's only away for 3 days,she keeps extending it.

I miss my wee girl SO much when she's away from home .

Last Thursday I went to work expecting to see them both on my return but whilst I was at work I received a text saying they had gone to see her mother as she needed "time to think about things". I was upset but not angry.
Since then I keep asking when they're coming back and never get a straight reply. I can't sleep/eat and am worried sick.
Since yesterday she hasn't been answering my texts or calls even when I have asked is she and my daughter ok.

Any advice would be most welcome .

Thank you.

The webcam is clearly a red herring - it wasn't a huge issue to the poster, he was talking about the way in which goalposts are moved and his communication cut off with his child. He is hardly being controlling and inflexible - it was an illustration of a wider pattern not a single one off issue.

Softfocus - I think the MIL sounds as though she has never accepted your role in your daughters life. Obviously analysing over the internet is a bit rough and ready, but I agree her comments to you about your daughter (ie the walking/ hair) are unkind - but more than that, they seem to show she is uncomfortable with a father having a role in his childs life. You say her husband was not like that - then perhaps there is a culture clash here.

If your partner is despressed then the mother may be manipulating her - probably totally unconsciously, Im not assigning evil motives here - but she simply can't understand why you are upset as it's not how 'men' are supposed to react to their children.

This situation sounds incredibly stressful - I hope you can resolve it. I think you need to utilise all friendly contacts, ie. the dad, mutual friends - and if you can, try to play peacemaker with the MIL. Joint counselling with your wife may help - but re. MIL - could you ask if you could meet her - with a friend there for support? Or with the FIL there? And take a list of points to discuss, or notes of your feelings so you remember what you need to say?

Perhaps she needs to know and understand that you are determined to have open access to your child - and hear it from you calmly.

Thank you,Cheerful Yank and ,once again,waterrat you make good sense in a balanced fair way.

I totally agree that there may be a "clash" on how her family expects a father/wife/child relationship to be and I understand that because the clear delineation of roles has worked for them . However,it was never something my wife and I wanted for our family.

At yesterday's meeting I kept quiet as once again my MIL followed us from room to room and constant promptings to do this and that. I was so relieved that my little girl ate when I was feeding her: I could feel I was going to be judged at any time.

As time has gone on I am trying to take step back and to reflect on my own part of making my wife unhappy. Perhaps she has just fallen out of love with me (she always mentioned she got bored with previous relationships after 5 years) and/or I have been doing something wrong as I'm sure I have at times.

Last night I webcammed briefly again and spoke to my wife very generally about her day to which she did respond much better. We agreed to leave phoning today but would webcam tonight. She is going to see a health visitor in her mum's town and I asked if she would mind me seeing our health visitor up here which she was fine with. She also said she would phone counsellling places to see about making us an appointment together.

It's an improvement.

"Someone who is distraught and emotional doesn't think first and foremost of keeping a record of everything. "

Who (apart from you of course) has said that keeping records was the first and foremost thing the OP did? From what I've read, the foremost thing the OP has tried to do is stay in touch with his daughter in the face of considerable opposition and stone-walling.

But please, have a look in the lone parents section on this very website and you'll see that anyone who is experiencing problems over child contact is advised to keep a record of what's going on. Families Need Fathers routinely advises that notes are kept. Women's Aid recommends the same. Every website I've ever seen that offers advice about child contact recommends keeping records. I'm sure if I ask any of my PWC / NRP friends who had problems over child contact, they'd recommend keeping notes on what happens.

When I was going through a horribly traumatic break-up with my ex that lead to the involvement of Social Services, I kept notes of what was going on if only to prove to myself that I wasn't going mad and my ex really was acting that badly and repeatedly lying to my face. After years of an abusive relationship, I needed those records to keep me on solid ground.

How you have the chutzpah to sit there and make such inaccurate pronouncements about how somebody absolutely would or would not behave in such a situation is beyond me.

Snorbs,"I kept notes of what was going on if only to prove to myself that I wasn't going mad"

Yes,that is part of the reason for me too and ,in a way,to keep me busy.As long as I feel I'm doing something it helps me a tiny bit. If i just sat and did nothing ,my mind goes into overdrive and panic sets in. It's a coping mechanism at the moment.

Its prob a more male thing to do as well. You are trying to still be logical in a time of severe stress and upset. Well done, keep it up.

glad to hear your wife is listening to some things you have to say and she is going to phone for a counselling appointment. I hope she does as this might be the way forward. Glad also you have been able to see your daughter.
Best wishes!

You have nothing to lose by seeking legal advice. Legal advice is NOT legal action.

I have gone the record keeping route myself, and I know what fine line I had crossed in my mind when I started doing it. It wasn't purely for the purposes of keeping me sane though it had that effect as I was in a relationship with a person who denied incidents/ words.

As I have said, a woman doesn't suddenly take the drastic step of sleeping at her mother's house when she has a baby without something going on, some feeling of needing support that she isn't getting at home perhaps. There is absolutely no clue provided as to the nature of the underlying relationship here that may have prompted her to take that step, except for the mention of no arguments, just compromise or one or the other getting their own way, with no indication of how much compromise vs. how much of one person getting their own way, and which person got his or her own way.

You can't speak for all women, though, math . Most women certainly wouldn't do this, but some people have mental health issues.

You're right in that we don't know the full story, but when do we on Mumsnet?

True enough. It's encouraging to see a hint that some introspection will take place here and hopefully things will be salvaged.

How are things going Softfocus - have been thinking of you.

Bump for you softfocus...how are you?

good luck OP

Thanks again for those asking for me.
Here's a quick update.
My wife and daughter are still at her parents,now the third week.
I have been visiting regularly for around three hours at a time. I have decided to take a step back and not question my wife as to if/when they are coming back.
Things have got a bit better and communication is improving.We have begun couples counselling too.

My wife has told me that she feels she has been "too laid back" before,allowing me to take most decisions and feels that she needs to become more assertive (which I welcome).

At our first session her prime comment was that she was not happy with our cat (e..g it wakes the baby up and she is concerned over hygiene issues) and want rid of it. We have had the cat for 5 years and it was her who wanted him in the first place. I would love to keep him.

Also,she has mentioned that when she is at home at her mum's it means she can rest as she has no housework to do.

For my own part, I think she is (understandably)too protective of our daughter:worried about taking her out,hygiene,not meeting other mums etc.
I alo know she is dreading going back to work in /July (part time) and perhaps she is wanting these last couple of months to concentrate fully on our wee girl.

I am not too sure how long to let this uncertainty to continue but slowly things are getting a bit better though I do have concerns how she is going to cope if/when back home working,housework,looking after the wee one.

Thanks again to all

Good to hear things are slighlty better.
I guess all you can do is your best at helping your wife as much as possible when/if she comes home with housework/child care/ cooking shopping etc.
Wishing you lots of luck and best wishes.
xxx

She is probably dreading going back to work and leaving her baby. Being so protective as well will make it even harder for her. But thats only natural and you cant help it...I would have hated to go to work when my children were small.

Mine are now 10yrs, 20 and 23yrs .
As they grow older the protectiveness changes and at some point you just have to let them go.
But your still feel very protective over them and still love them to death.

Hi Softfocus,

I'm completely new to this, but I read with huge interest your thread. It really struck a chord with me as I've found myself in a very similar position.

I was wondering how things have panned out for you?

My wife was actually diagnosed with severe postnatal depression about 5 months ago (her symptoms in her own words being pyschosis, paranoia and suicidal ideation) and she left me 4 times in 3 months, the last time 'being for good' about 6 weeks ago. She is staying with her parents who do not support our marriage at all, and to give some insight as to why this might be the case, her parents are in denial of the diagnosis. My wife dreaded telling her Mother, and when she did, her mother's response to being told of a formal GP's diagnosis was "oh don't be so ridiculous", and proceeded to blame me for any difficulties in our marriage rather than seeing the difficulties as symptoms of severe depression. They see my wife as 'the golden child' and can't contemplate the stigma (as they would see it) of a mental health problem being at issue.

Certainly I can now see serious control and insecurity issues with her parents who have projected those into their daughter and into our marriage, and from certain scenarios you have described, I wonder if you see that as an issue with your Parents In Law?.

After she left 'for good', any time (4 times over several weeks) I tried to calmly discuss seeing our baby for more than the few hours on a Saturday and Sunday afternoon that she allowed, she told me "if I didn't like it, go to a solicitor," "if I feel hard done by, we should engage solicitors", "if I feel like a victim, get a solicitor" etc. I felt I had no choice but to do that very thing, though of course I was very reluctant as this could escalate things.

Her response was to deny all contact for 2 weeks, citing that she couldn't allow contact until she saw her solicitor. At present I see our baby for about 3 hours each week, as solicitor's letters go backwards and forwards trying to reach agreement. I am hopeful that overnight will be agreed so I can try and maintain and build up a relationship with our baby at this crucial time in his life (he is 7 months old).

Anyway, I guess I wanted to vent a bit, and also to emphathise with you as I understand what absolute heartbreak you are going through, and also perhaps to see how things worked out for you?