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Original poster

wife has taken baby away

116 replies

softfocus · 28/04/2011 07:59

Not too sure if this is the right section to post this but here goes anyway.

My wife and I have been together 6 years and had a lovely little 10 month old wee girl. Over the last few months my wife has "cooled" with me e.g. wanting to sleep alone and though I've found that difficult I've coped realising (or perhaps hoping?) that she needed her own space and all her energies were going to the baby. She has been breastfeeding and has only been separated from her when I take her for walks. She had taken 9 mnths off work but has extended it to 13 months and I know she is dreading going back but we are in the very fortunate position of one of us always being able to look after our daughter.

Since Christmas, she has been spending more and more time with the baby at her mother's house often spending as much as 8 nights away. I am happy with her spending around 3 nights away a fortnight but every time she goes to her mum's saying she's only away for 3 days,she keeps extending it.

I miss my wee girl SO much when she's away from home .

Last Thursday I went to work expecting to see them both on my return but whilst I was at work I received a text saying they had gone to see her mother as she needed "time to think about things". I was upset but not angry.
Since then I keep asking when they're coming back and never get a straight reply. I can't sleep/eat and am worried sick.
Since yesterday she hasn't been answering my texts or calls even when I have asked is she and my daughter ok.

Any advice would be most welcome .

Thank you.

OP posts:
onadietcokebreak · 02/05/2011 09:37

If we agreed to it we should stick it.

That justs about sums it up for me. Controlling, inflexible, looking after his needs not babies/mothers.

BelfastBloke · 02/05/2011 09:40

And you wouldn't say the mother and MIL are being controlling, inflexible?

OP, I know what a nightmare dealing with emotionally inexpressive relatives can be like.

RitaMorgan · 02/05/2011 09:41

What?

If my DP agreed to something and then didn't do it without letting me know, I'd be cross too, and I'm not controlling or inflexible.

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Original poster
softfocus · 02/05/2011 09:44

I did add " Of course,if things are difficult at the time with the wee one,I don't mind it being cancelled/postponed just as long as I receive that communication."
Is that really inflexible ?

OP posts:
onadietcokebreak · 02/05/2011 09:46

I'm not buying this story at all.

Contact should be in best interest of child. The webcam gives this child nothing yet only seeks to appease the father.

My advise to seek legal counsel remains. Allow the court to get a cafcass report if required.

schmee · 02/05/2011 09:48

Masses of sympathy for you OP. Would you consider getting in touch with Relate and maybe suggesting to your wife that you have some counselling? Whether you are going to stay together or split in the longterm it sounds like you would both really benefit from having someone independent involved.

Snorbs · 02/05/2011 09:53

FFS onadietcokebreak, you seem determined to paint the OP as the one in the wrong here and you are being flat-out offensive in the process.

If a woman posted on here that her husband had left her with little explanation, would you ask her if she had hit him?

If a woman posted here saying that her DC was with her ex and when she went to webcam her DC at a pre-arranged time and there was no response on the webcam or to her subsequent texts, would you call her "controlling and inflexible"?

onadietcokebreak · 02/05/2011 10:09

If he had left with the child - yes.

Given the age of child webcams and phone calls are not for Childs benefit. Agree contact should be agreed and stuck to bar exceptional circs.

Don't quite understand why he is scared of seeing a solicitor unless there truely is more to this story.

schmee · 02/05/2011 10:12

I know when my husband and I had problems when we became parents that I would have seen legal advice as the very last resort. I would feel quite devastated if I found out now that he had sought legal advice at the time. Does that make me an abuser?

Snorbs · 02/05/2011 10:26

Given the age of the child and the difficulty the OP is having in getting any kind of regular contact with his daughter or maintaining a dialogue with his wife regarding contact, I'd say webcams are better than nothing.

I'm pleased that you've climbed down from your insistence that the OP is "controlling" because he was upset that webcam contact was cancelled without warning, though.

As for being reticent about seeing a solicitor, I think he's doing the right thing. Involvement by solicitors is often perceived as an escalation of the underlying conflict as well as often leading to a winning-vs-losing mindset rather than one of communication and compromise. Yes, I know that many solicitors try very hard not to do that but I have also seen many instances where solicitor's letters are little more than a list of demands. I don't think that such a combative approach will help the OP, his wife or their child right now.

onadietcokebreak · 02/05/2011 10:37

I haven't climbed down from the fact I feel he can be controlling. The web cams are causing conflict, the child achieves nothing so why insist they continue.

Legal advice is important for the OP. Particularly if it reaches a point where the wife decides not to return/ returns but tries to get him to leave family home. At least he won't make any rash decisions. The solicitor doesn't even need to be instructed to write any letters at this time.

Snorbs · 02/05/2011 11:43

The webcams are causing conflict because his wife agrees to them then changes her mind and doesn't let him know. That is controlling behaviour on her part.

His wife agreeing that he can take their DD to see his mum by himself, and then five minutes later coming over and insisting on coming in is also controlling behaviour on her part.

If his wife has serious concerns about the OP and his ability to look after their child then there are any number of avenues she can pursue to get them addressed. For her to agree to contact, either direct or indirect, and then to unilaterally decide that such contact is not going to go ahead as agreed is not just controlling behaviour, it's also using the child as a pawn.

Yet you persist in picking apart his story to invent find instances where, given the circumstances, he is displaying perfectly understandable behaviour he appears controlling to you. All the time you completely ignore his wife's control-freak behaviour. Why is that? Are you really that prejudiced against fathers?

spooktrain · 02/05/2011 12:39

would your wife consider some kind of relationship counselling? I think the current situation is untenable and must be breaking your heart

It was interesting when you said about her being afraid your daughter would have an accident - I was freakishly paranoid about that - down to playing out the scene in my head - when I had PND

TheVisitor · 02/05/2011 12:58

Onadietcokebreak, you do seem to be reading more into this than you need to be. If my other half took my baby away and kept moving the goalposts on access, I'm be fucking fuming, and I certainly don't have anger issues. I'm wondering if you're projecting personal experiences onto SF here.

HoldMeCloserTonyDanza · 02/05/2011 13:22

OP have you shared your story before on a different forum? It seems extremely familiar to me.

brettgirl2 · 02/05/2011 13:30

I think onadietcokebreak is perhaps being a bit insensitive but this also seems odd to me. How many grandparents would want the parents of their 10 month old grandchild to split up? Therefore there are three possible explanations for their behaviour. Possibility 1 is that his in laws are mad, possibility 2 is that DW is telling then lies about what is going on and possibility 3 is that there is a genuine reason that the inlaws would prefer they split. To the op it sounds like a horrible situation but can you think of any reason they are behaving like this? I only ask because it might be possible to put it right.

onadietcokebreak · 02/05/2011 15:04

I wouldn't say im sensitive or against fathers at all.

I'm just very interested as to how he handles his anger and how that may be perceived by a woman who possibly has Pnd.

Didnt Op also say wife never used to get on with mum? Do what has led her to seek solace there?

TheVisitor · 02/05/2011 17:29

I wouldn't say you were sensitive either. Insensitive, yes.

onadietcokebreak · 02/05/2011 18:00

And as for personal experiences you couldn't be further off the Mark.

onadietcokebreak · 02/05/2011 18:08

Maybe you would like to offer some advice to OP instead of berating me.

TheVisitor · 02/05/2011 18:28

I'm challenging you, rather than berating you, as you appear to have jumped on the poor man as being an aggressor, when he's only been angry when he absolutely has a right to be.

AllOverIt · 02/05/2011 18:42

I'd be out of my mind OP, you have my sympathies. I can understand not wanting to escalate things, but if things continue this way, I think you need to seek legal advice.

I wish you lots of luck.

mathanxiety · 02/05/2011 18:43

I really don't understand how you expect a forum of mostly women to believe all of this happened out of the blue, OP. There is an emotional inarticulatulateness to your posts that really jumps out, a sense of complete surprise at what has happened; all you can offer as an explanation for your wife leaving with the baby for her parents is that she is tired and you have been snoring and taking up more than your share of the bed.

Tis very odd.

ThatVikRinA22 · 02/05/2011 19:02

maths - i dont think its odd. i think thats how quite alot of relationships fizzle out, right under the noses of all involved.

of course there will be two sides to this story. BUT, if it were me i would be starting to get the message.

OP, you need to see your wife, without the baby, for a heart to heart talk. you need to know whats going on. you are owed that.

when you know where you stand then you can make arrangement dependent on what happens next. if you wife wants out, you need to get legal advice pronto.

mathanxiety · 02/05/2011 19:14

Casting aspersions on the emotional intelligence of the wife's family while exhibiting no insight whatsoever about your own relationship is very strange though.