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Original poster

wife has taken baby away

116 replies

softfocus · 28/04/2011 07:59

Not too sure if this is the right section to post this but here goes anyway.

My wife and I have been together 6 years and had a lovely little 10 month old wee girl. Over the last few months my wife has "cooled" with me e.g. wanting to sleep alone and though I've found that difficult I've coped realising (or perhaps hoping?) that she needed her own space and all her energies were going to the baby. She has been breastfeeding and has only been separated from her when I take her for walks. She had taken 9 mnths off work but has extended it to 13 months and I know she is dreading going back but we are in the very fortunate position of one of us always being able to look after our daughter.

Since Christmas, she has been spending more and more time with the baby at her mother's house often spending as much as 8 nights away. I am happy with her spending around 3 nights away a fortnight but every time she goes to her mum's saying she's only away for 3 days,she keeps extending it.

I miss my wee girl SO much when she's away from home .

Last Thursday I went to work expecting to see them both on my return but whilst I was at work I received a text saying they had gone to see her mother as she needed "time to think about things". I was upset but not angry.
Since then I keep asking when they're coming back and never get a straight reply. I can't sleep/eat and am worried sick.
Since yesterday she hasn't been answering my texts or calls even when I have asked is she and my daughter ok.

Any advice would be most welcome .

Thank you.

OP posts:
Original poster
softfocus · 02/05/2011 19:23

I really can't understand why webcam chats are for my benefit alone,onadiet, we have used them several times when my wee girl has been away and she enjoys having her bedtime book read to her that way.

Yes,I do agree that our relationship is the thing that must be looked into. And ,of course,there could be fault on both sides.
Remember that just 10 days ago,we were living as a family then suddenly it had all disappeared and,most importantly,my daughter.
I think i was in shock and panic.

Today I went to see my daughter ,didn't question my wife at all and played happily with my wee girl for 3 hours . I even bit my lip(again) when the MIL still followed us from room to room and kept prompting when she thought the wee one should be fed/changed/have her nap. One side of me thinks ,perhaps,it was to be present to diffuse any situation arising with my wife but the other ,since I was not with my wife most of the time,thinks again it was overstepping her grandparent duties.

We have spoken to a health visitor and hoping that my wife takes up her recommendation to go to counselling together.

On reflection,I do realise that the past few months have not been right perhaps through lack of communication/pressure with the new changes in our lives etc. and with concentrating on the baby we have forgotten to think about us. Remember,my wife has been with the baby 24/7 since birth apart from a total of around 24 hours in TOTAL.( i.e. when she's out with me and once when she went to see a friend).

Thanks again to ALL

OP posts:
LeninGrad · 02/05/2011 19:24

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Original poster
softfocus · 02/05/2011 19:25

math,that may be a fair point but often rational thinking is the first thing to go out the window when in grief.

OP posts:

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LeninGrad · 02/05/2011 19:27

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Original poster
softfocus · 02/05/2011 19:29

Lenin,no I don't drive. I'm not too sure how i can" formalise access arrangements" if i am not to contact my wife or her family ?

OP posts:
LeninGrad · 02/05/2011 19:30

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mathanxiety · 02/05/2011 19:32

Why no arguments for 6 years? Very good question.

HecateQueenOfTheNight · 02/05/2011 19:32

I think that you should consider going to court and getting formal, legal, contact set up.

Original poster
softfocus · 02/05/2011 19:33

Lenin,i do agree that less frequent visits are a good idea too.
My MIL did say she thought today's meeting was better all round and "to give her time". I guess I am just fearing the worst and doing the usual male thing trying to fix things perhaps too quickly.
Again,i think it was the shock of my daughter disappearing from our home that panicked me.
I know in what MAY be a 40 year relationship a few weeks/mnths of time to repair things that we have both been responsible for is a drop in the ocean.

OP posts:
LeninGrad · 02/05/2011 19:34

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Original poster
softfocus · 02/05/2011 19:34

"no arguments" for 5 years . We just didn't .Strange but true.

OP posts:
Original poster
softfocus · 02/05/2011 19:35

What's "Hecate" ?

OP posts:
LeninGrad · 02/05/2011 19:36

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LeninGrad · 02/05/2011 19:38

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Original poster
softfocus · 02/05/2011 19:41

One or other would get their way or a compromise would be reached.

OP posts:
HecateQueenOfTheNight · 02/05/2011 19:41

softfocus Mon 02-May-11 19:35:01
What's "Hecate" ?

Grin

me.

I dunno, Lennin.

I just think that things seem difficult and it seems like they might try to keep him away and it would probably be better all round to formalise things. It doesn't have to be an aggressive act. Just ensures everyone knows where they stand.

Original poster
softfocus · 02/05/2011 19:43

Oops,Heacte,of course you are !
Perhaps, a sign of my inability to think straight at the moment. Hence my thinking now to let things cool a bit because with emotions are so raw for everyone just now

OP posts:
RitaMorgan · 02/05/2011 19:46

I understand about the arguments, DP and I don't really argue/row either.

mathanxiety · 02/05/2011 19:47

You mention that you are unable to think straight, so emotional etc., but earlier say you are logging all calls, conversations, and have given a very detailed description of all the visits, who said what, who agreed to webchats, and when, etc...

Things are not adding up imo.

Original poster
softfocus · 02/05/2011 19:50

math,where do you see the anomaly ?
I can be upset and emotional and still keep a record of what's going on.

OP posts:
ThatVikRinA22 · 02/05/2011 20:14

softfocus - some people on mn simply cannot ever believe for one minute that a man can be in any way not at fault when a woman ups and leaves. get used to it, there will be more to follow...

in the mean time, continue in open dialogue with your wife and her family if necessary and get some legal advice. Do you think your wife is coming back? perhaps you have been a bit blinkered, she sounds as though she has made a decision to leave and omitted to explain it to you...i would see if she would be open to counselling, so at least you can get some perspective on what has actually happened.

there probably are two sides to this story, but im not jumping to any conclusions.
All you can do on here is take posters at face value, unless they are obviously trolling.

Kittytickle · 02/05/2011 20:43

I don't understand why some of you think there would be a problem in OP being angry and him getting annoyed when goal posts are changed. I would be hopping mad and rather angry if this had happened to me.

I am so sorry this has happened to you OP. Being angry doesn't help as we all know, but you are not some kind of person with anger management problems/a dangerous abusive partner that I can see so far in your posts.

This must be heartbreaking for you. I have no useful advice, just best wishes: take care of yourself.

HoldMeCloserTonyDanza · 02/05/2011 20:45

Did you see my earlier post soft focus? Have you written about this on another forum?

I could swear I read this same story, written in a very similar "voice", very recently.

mathanxiety · 03/05/2011 04:37

Keeping a record is very clear-headed and not what a person might do unless he had some idea of showing it to someone, for some purpose. It is not really what someone would do if he were at his wit's end trying to keep his family from breaking apart, seeing his baby, improving communication with his wife with a view to reuniting, finding out what went wrong and trying to repair a relationship and move forward together. That's where I see the anomaly. Someone who is distraught and emotional doesn't think first and foremost of keeping a record of everything. Whose eyes is the record for?

CheerfulYank · 03/05/2011 05:12

I would be absolutely insane if my dh did this! OP I hope this resolves in a way that allows you lots of time with your little girl.

And fwiw, a friend of mine's husband deployed for Iraq when their youngest dd was just a baby. When he got back over a year later, the little one recognized him because she'd been seeing him on the webcam , so I think it's ridiculous to say that the OP's little girl wouldn't get anything out of it.

For those of you calling him controlling and inflexible...well, I can't imagine what you'd call me if my DH just f%cked off with our DS like this. My reaction would be a damn sight less civil, I assure you!