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Parenting

For free parenting resources please check out the Early Years Alliance's Family Corner.

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Original poster

5 year olds and boarding school

48 replies

cocorouge · 12/04/2011 13:54

My son is really difficult and I feel I really cannot cope with him anymore - has anyone put a child this young in boarding school or been in boarding school themselves from a young age. I know lots of you will think this is cruel and so do I really but I can't see any other solution apart from walking out the door myself. My husband works away (and is beyond useless) and so I can't really do that as I have a daughter as well (who is amazing). Please let me know your experiences if you have any.

OP posts:

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katekate3 · 12/04/2011 14:01

Sounds like you are having a tough time and could really do with some support. If you have enough money to be considering boarding school, might it be worth trying to pay for some extra help at home- either cleaning/ ironing type or childcare/ someone else to play with your son for a bit. Is the thought of easter holidays making looking after him on your own seem even more daunting?

Original poster

cocorouge · 12/04/2011 14:09

Kate - this is the worst thing I do have help. If I didn't I would probably actually top myself!! and I still can't manage. I am not push over snivelling mum type I really try to be consistant but he is awful and has been since about 8 months. My parents are satying at the moment and have been helping because of other stuff I ahve on with my daughter so are seeing what I ahve been saying for 4 years and they are at their wits end (but sort of blaming me I think) been trying to do nice things with him just took him to the cinema and had to leave because of his temper and he was just going mad - he has done this every day this week. His teacher says he is really good at school which I find hard to believe and have taken him to see "experts" but they say he is fine but I find him unbearable!

OP posts:

katekate3 · 12/04/2011 14:25

I have huge sympathy. Its not easy to do on your own, and having partner away from home makes things much harder too. I boarded at school when I was 13 and hated it. Got 2 screaming children now but will come back this eve.

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Original poster

cocorouge · 12/04/2011 14:28

Thanks Kate - hope thay stop screaming soon!

OP posts:

LIZS · 12/04/2011 14:35

I don't know of any which take boarders before 7/8. Sounds like you lack support which may well have affected how you are dealing with your ds. Pushing him away at this age is very unlikely to be beneficial to either of you and I would suggest you pursue an expert opinion again , perhaps through gp/hv rather than school. Maybe he senses that you perceive your dd more positively and plays up to your lower expectations of him ? He may have some form of SEN yet to manifest itself at school but for now you need help to break the cycle of negativity you may have unwittingly fallen into.

compo · 12/04/2011 14:44

You find him 'unbearable' and your dd 'amazing'

he's probably picked up on that

he maybe is missing his dad

would your dad play footie with him? Does he get loads of fresh aur and exercise ? Boys that age are like dogs, they need loads of exercise and fresh air!

compo · 12/04/2011 14:45

Does he do any clubs? Swimming, beavers, football etc?

Original poster

cocorouge · 12/04/2011 16:21

Thanks Compo you are right I am sure it is my fault!! He does do all those activities, football, swimming etc and my Dad is taking him out tomorrow to play football as well. I am trying to see the good in him I really am but he doesn't make it easy. Feel so mean and I know it is me really but don't know what to do. Wish I could be the adoring Mum type who saw no wrong.
Thanks Lizc I think that is exactly what I have done.

OP posts:

MollieO · 12/04/2011 16:27

Does he get out enough? My ds is a nightmare unless he gets plenty of exercise. That may account for the difference between home and school. Ds (6) is on the go from 6.30am to 7.30pm and barely draws breath. Even when he goes to bed he isn't tired.

Jajas · 12/04/2011 16:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Jajas · 12/04/2011 16:30

This reply has been deleted

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TheVisitor · 12/04/2011 16:32

I'm going to be harsh here. It sounds like there is a strong possibility that you need to change your behaviour in order for him to change his. He will know that he is not the "favourite child" and will act out exactly how you expect. Have you ever been offered parenting classes? Kids don't come with a manual and sometimes you do need that extra instruction to find coping mechanisms and positive discipline. As hard as it is, you HAVE to notice when he does something good, even if it's as simple as playing nicely for 5 minutes, or putting a plate in the kitchen. Speak to your HV about parenting classes - they don't mean you've failed, btw!

Also agree about boys being like puppies!

fluffyanimal · 12/04/2011 16:32

Even if it is possible, please don't send your son away to boarding school. Apart from the fact that you'll still have to deal with him in holidays (often longer than state school holidays) he will take this as a rejection. There is undoubtedly a reason for his behaviour, either emotional or clinical, you just need help to find the reason.

Maybe some family therapy would help. Agree with Lizs that you need expert help via GP.

FWIW I went to boarding school from age 11. It was a great school, I loved it and was very happy and went home once a fortnight. However, even then, it has had its emotional cost. I would never put my kids in boarding school.

TheCrackFox · 12/04/2011 16:34

I think you need to make an appointment with your GP/HV.

I bet your son isn't that bad or your daughter that amazing TBH. You need some kind of therapy to work on your feelings towards your son who is probably acting up for attention as he knows that you don't like him.

There are not any boarding schools who will take a 5 yr old boy in.

curlyredhead · 12/04/2011 16:37

My eldest dd has some similarities - particularly the great at school, horrendous temper at home. I found the book Raising your spirited child helpful to understand where she was coming from also how to talk was helpful. They are both american books so you may have to tune that out a bit if you find that grating, but lots of useful ideas and suggestions.

2BoysTooLoud · 12/04/2011 16:38

Agree with others, seek support from gp/health visitor. Sending a 5 year old away would just 'shelve' the issues and I hope it is not possible anyway. Please take others good advice here and good luck in learning to cope/like/love your son.

katekate3 · 12/04/2011 19:35

What happened when your son was 8 months old? Also just wondered what other stuff you have on with your daughter? Do you think some of it can be explained by gender differences?

Journey · 12/04/2011 20:12

So it started when your DS was 8 months old did it? When he was a baby!

Your DD is amazing. Your DS will have picked up that she is your favourite.

You have help and still this isn't enough.

You have the option of boarding school. An escape out clause in other words.

I think the problem is your parenting skills.

katekate3 · 12/04/2011 20:33

Gosh. That's a bit harsh.

MollieO · 12/04/2011 20:35

I did a search to see if there was anything about the OP's Ds as a baby (not something I usually do). It appears she started her own business when he was under 1. I assume that has a lot to do with it. I hope the OP seeks the help she needs.

Everyone who knows my Ds always says how lively he is. He's very full on and it can be wearing. Sometimes I wish he had less personality but then he wouldn't be the child I know. Life would be dull without 'characters' but living with one can be very hard work.

Sirzy · 12/04/2011 20:50

Would you also send your DD to a boarding school? Otherwise it is only likely to push him further away and not really tackle the issue.

Have you spoken to your husband about how your feeling? Can he take some time off work to try to help get to the bottom of the problem? Perhaps while your parents are there you should get them to look after your daughter for a while so you can have some one on one time with your son and have some fun together.

Jajas · 12/04/2011 22:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

monkoray · 13/04/2011 07:03

My aunt was sent to boarding school at the age of 4 (while living in india, I'm not sure that boarding schools these days will take kids that young accept as day pupils). It scarred her for life. Now in get 60s she still talks about the abandonment. From her experience I would suggest 5 is too young for boarding school, and as other posts have suggested it would just shelve the issue for the holidays.
I'm not sure that parenting classes would help as you obviously have a good relationship with you dd, but you have obviously had a fundemental breakdown in the relationship with your son and I doubt that this is something you can fix on your own. I would suggest investing the boarding school fund in some private therapy sessions to try and get to the root of the issue. It may well be that your ds is a total tear away, but a therapist could help you get to the root of why this is only ever a negative thing.
Out of curiosity only, if someone suggested you put ds up for adoption would you consider it (i am not suggesting at all that you do that, I just think it might help you gauge how deep rooted your feelings are).

Original poster

cocorouge · 13/04/2011 11:22

Thanks for all your comments - I totally agree it probably is my fault. I did start my own business when he was really little but thought it maight be a better option than returning to work as it would give me more time with the children. Which in a way has. I am really going all out so far today to do stuff with him and be really positive towards him and so far he has been great. Thanks for all your advise - I will look into classes as well. Thanks to you all!

OP posts:

NellyTheElephant · 13/04/2011 14:19

There was a thread some time ago - search for 'I need to find somewhere I can talk openly about not loving one of my children'. You might find it interesting to read it through (it has a happy ending and spans 2 years!)

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