5 year olds and boarding school

[cocorouge]

My son is really difficult and I feel I really cannot cope with him anymore - has anyone put a child this young in boarding school or been in boarding school themselves from a young age. I know lots of you will think this is cruel and so do I really but I can't see any other solution apart from walking out the door myself. My husband works away (and is beyond useless) and so I can't really do that as I have a daughter as well (who is amazing). Please let me know your experiences if you have any.

Glad you are feeling more positive corcorouge. Don't blame yourself though as it is just a case of 'moving on' which it sounds like you are doing. Well done and good luck!

I used to teach in a boarding school, youngest boarders were 7/8 and they were so small and lost it made me so sad to see them. All were there because parents worked abroad / forces / or parents had 'new families'. No decent school would take a 5 year old.

Would be massively unfair to treat DCs so differently and would cause problems later.

Thanks so much for all your comments - things have been alot better today I have really made an effort to see things his way. I do feel awful for the feelings I have and it is mortifying really to end up being like this. You have all given me really good idea's though so thanks for taking the time. I will look for that book and search for that post as well. Thanks everyone

Cocorouge, I am a bit that your difficulty is put down to you starting your own business! Lots of mothers find boys harder than girls - they do seem to need a lot more physical exercise and they do seem to 'turn' quickly if my friends' boys are anything to go by.

I would definitely look into parenting courses in your area, I would also get hold of Steve Biddulph's book on raising boys (and actually other books on boys too). I found Negotiation Generation really really useful as a general guide to setting and keeping boundaries. And I would also get some kind of counselling help urgently, to help you express and manage your feelings. Best of luck to you.

Poor you.

I went to boarding school and found holidays at home really difficult because I got out of the habit of communicating with my (quite Victorian!) parents. If your son already finds it difficult being at home then the gulf is just going to get wider and may well make the situation worse.

Have you thought about enroling him in something like martial arts classes for children, which teach self-control and respect as well as a useful skill?

I also wonder whether you could hire a regular 'supernanny' type to come and help coach both of you into communicating better?

Best of luck.

Could you afford an experienced au pair or nanny? If so, I would consider that but not just for your son but for them to look after both so you can now and then have a break and also for you to have some one to one time with in turn your son and daughter. In addition, I agree it would be good if you could talk to your GP/health visitor and find out if there are any parenting classes. Clearly there will be other people in situations similar to yours and it might help you to meet up some other people to talk through things. Please don't give up on your son!!! He is still only a little (and probably quite confused) boy.

I think you need to be patient. Like the other ladies say, saying your daughter is 'amazing' and your boy 'unbearable' is not good.
I have a 5-week-old baby boy and I couldn't sleep last night and I got stressed but I don't think I would say he's unbearable, not now and not in a million years.

We are mums and we might run out of patience but they need us...

Try to spend more time with him and probably try to make him participate in activities with his sister.

Oneof's idea of hiring a supernanny type is a great idea. As is the martial arts. My DSS did this and I was astonished at the effect that it had on his confidence.

Absoutely NO to sending him away to Boarding School . How would your rejection of him by doing so, be of any help?
I can hear you are having a really tough time but no one ever said bringing up children is easy! But it is our responsibility once we have then.... and he is very little..
As others have said he will pick up on the difference you feel between him and his sister and he needs gentle but firm boundries and masses of praise when he is good . If you can stop all negative reinforcement (by being "bad" and having you cross with him, he does at least have some of your time and emotions ...which he will love) he will come round ... no crossness towards him, will help his temper towards you..
Supernanny stuff but not difficult and at 5 very much needed... (and if you doubt this, think about him in teenage years) If he is 'good' at school he can be 'good' at home ... but is acting out something with you .
If you have a good GP who is a parent see if you can have a chat..mine was a wonderful help when my daughter was 5 and "difficult" ...

I know this is coming a long time since you posted, but I really hope you get it. My daughter was bright, demanding , exhausting but rewarding too.
My son went from screaming baby to terrible twos to out of control pre schooler and so it went on. In his case the main (noticeable, other than the screaming) problem was lack of speech. By the time he was 4 he couldn't say mummy daddy yes no, I was at my wits end (actually someway beyond) I was lucky enough to leave the country and even more lucky to find a professional to work with him.
To cut a long story (very long) She taught him to speak, he was accepted into normal school, but there were still a lot of problems. If I had not handed a lot of the day to day drudgery and tantrums and screaming to someone else I would have topped myself.
When he was 10 daddy retired and therefore was the main carer. There had always been the 'unspoken' thing that the childs behaviour was due to my parenting. Lo and behold daddy decided by age 11 the child needed a boarding environment.
The story has a happy ending, he thrived, and now at the age of 17 has a bunch of A* at GCSE and is doing well in the lower 6th.
I have a theory and that is if you do what you feel is best for YOU and the child it will all fall into place. I would definitely boarded my son at 5 given the choice. I believe he would not have been harmed by the experience

Anyone know what happened to Cocorouge´s kid?? I´m finding myself in a similar situation.

I'm in the same boat with my almost 4 yr old - help! Any updates cocorouge ? Tell me your DS is an angel now please!

I know this is an old thread but goodness I hope the OP managed to get herself to the doctor as boarding school wouldn't have been the answer!

Boys (usually) are like puppies they need TONS of exercise so that means up early and out every single day what ever the weather without fail. Fresh air makes everything better ime.

4 is a hard age iirc, they are chomping at the bit to start school and have some time away from parents.

It's an unpopular opinion I expect but people I see complaining about young children's behaviour don't take them out enough generally, the park shouldn't be a treat it should be a second home.

Doctor
Health visitor
Parenting courses
Boarding school is never the answer for a situation such as the OP described.

Parenting is bloody hard!

Well i understand what you are going threw. My daughter in similar to your son. My suggestion is try challenging him. If he is doing good in school. That means his mind is being challenged. Give him puzzles for school work to learn while he is at home. Challenging him might be the key to unlocking his potential and stopping his attitute.

I think a referral to the community paediatrician can help to get some understanding of what is going wrong. For example something as simple as glue ear can affect behaviour. If the child is diagnosed with autism or dyspraxia there are strategies you can learn to manage them. If the child has ADHD then medication might help.

In many cases it's the mum who needs help. A course of cognitive behavioural therapy or anti depressants might help.

Hi, we have two adopted daughters and as a result we cannot use traditional parenting techniques for various reasons. Have you heard of therapeutic parenting ? Google Dr Laura Markham. She's an American therapist and a lot of what she says is really helpful. Get into the habit of praising all the positives. When a child is at his/her most unbearable that can be when they are most in need of love. I know this is hard. I repeat it like a mantra but still lose the plot from time to time. Good luck

Hi
By the time you receive this your son will be older, I just wanted to tell you that I had the same issue, it didn't get better, but then I started him as a boarder. It was the best thing for both of us. He is now 21 having gained excellent A levels and is about to enter his last year at university, having gained a place at a top university. Our relationship at this point is really positive and I know I did the right thing by boarding him.

I feel for this mother. She sounds like a single parent. Her husband is useless and away. So he’s basically checked out. A deadbeat dad. Little boys need dads. Especially boys like this, who may have some kind of mental illness. She can’t do this alone. No wonder she’s considering boarding school. Blaming her is ludicrous. Who is the father’s favorite? Apparently none of them. The boy needs a family therapist. Do mention that dad has withdrawn the support the family needs.

NB This thread is nearly 9 years old.

Hey queenie my young lass is enrolled in Dickson pre prep boarding school in Africa. He is currently 2 and we are shipping him off tomorrow. Didn’t want to book a flight so put him in a suitcase with food and water. He is all set and ready to go. I think enrolling your 5 year old in a boarding school will do it good. Hope it enjoys the experience and doesn’t come back a female dog

Try and leave DD with your Mum and spend time alone with just DS regularly. It’s possible this is all a cry for attention in which case regular 1-2-1 time that he can plan and look forward to will really help.

Hi, it may be useful to talk to an Ed Psych. If they have challenging behaviours at school as well as at home, they may have some underlying medical issue (eg ADHD, Oppositional Defiant Disorder, Conduct Disorder or ASD).

To manage any of these you would have to have superhuman parenting powers. A Child Psychiatrist can help you as a parent but may also suggest medication to stop their brains going at 100 mph.

The Ed Psychologist would be able to suggest teaching styles that would benefit both home and abroad.

I don’t believe in labelling children. However sometimes they need those labels and diagnoses before you can access services.

Think about cutting down your hours if you work. I saw my work as a release from the challenges at home. However, with hindsight I should have cut down my hours because a few more hours at
home would have made it easier to attend the multi-agency meetings and just to have some quiet with a coffe or walk the dog and see some sunshine.

Also, join a parent support group. You are not on your own but you damn well feel like you are and not being able to leave your child with anyone means you are on the go 24/7 and no one can keep up those hours.

Get the help for yourself. You may find you are forever putting your needs and your social life to the back of the queue. No one can sustain that.

Good luck.