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Original poster

Help me think of a suitable punishment please

108 replies

AnnieLobeseder · 07/03/2011 22:35

DD1 is 5. She like to draw and doodle. Today she was doodling in the frost. Except that the frost she was doodling in was on my car. And she was doodling with a 2p piece. My brand new shiny car is all scratched to shit. I have a love heart carved into the door.

It wasn't malicious damage, it was just damn thoughtless. My parents would have spanked me, no doubt.

Obviously that's out.

I want her to think long and hard about what she did. I want her to stop mindless doodling, and to think about what she doodles on in future. I want her to remember what she did, and the punishment she received, but I don't want to be cruel. How do I make sure she learns a lesson from this but without being awful to her?

So far all I've come up with is sending her straight to bed after her bath without stories for a week. Story and cuddle time is very special to us all - her sister can have this time in our room instead while DD1 goes to bed.

Any other ideas?

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Davsmum · 09/03/2011 11:38

I would think your anger towards her is punishment enough really. I doubt she will forget it.

Original poster

AnnieLobeseder · 09/03/2011 11:55

Davsmum - did I say anywhere I'm angry with her? I have done nothing but discuss the damage calmly and rationally from the start.

Will all of you saying that punishing her for a week is excessive please stop. That point has been repeatedly covered, I have agreed, you are flogging a dead horse!

I'm godsmacked by the number of people who have made the assumption that my aim is to make her feel shit. I've said from the OP that this is not my intention. I want to use the opportunity to teach her an important life lesson about how thoughtlessness causes damage, not make her life miserable in retaliation for the damage.

Why are so many of you out to attack rather than offer contructive suggestions?

OP posts:

Davsmum · 09/03/2011 12:09

I am sorry if that came across as an 'attack'
You seem determined to punish her for what you have said yourself was not a malicious act ?
I am sure explaining and talking about it to her is all that is required. I don't think your daughter was aware that she was causing damage - but seeing the damage would teach her that.
So unless you think she may want to repeat it - knowing now what damage she caused - and knowing that this was upsetting for you - then I shouldn't think a punishment is required.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Families General parenting

Original poster

AnnieLobeseder · 09/03/2011 12:26

Oh good grief. I want her to learn not to damage property! I want her to learn from this experience. I'm not 'determined to punish' her. I just want to make sure that the event is memorable, so the lesson sticks.

FFS!

This thread has got pointless, I'm going to leave it here.

Thanks for the advice, those who offered it.

OP posts:

seeker · 09/03/2011 12:46

I think my point is that she had to know that she was damaging property before punishment is necssary to make a lesson like that sink in. If she didn't know that a penny could damages something as big and strong as a car, she was presuably horrified and sorry when it was pointed out to her - and she would be very careful not to do it again.

If she did it again would be the time for punishment - once it became "full knowledge and full consent"

Davsmum · 09/03/2011 13:37

Oh well,.. I suspect you have made it pretty memorable.

Condensedmilkaddict · 09/03/2011 13:42

This is the strangest thread...

Last month I reversed into someone's car.
Good. It now seems because it was an accident, I don't have to pay for the damage or indeed accept any responsibility for it.
Because I didn't mean to and I didn't know what was going to happen.

Annie is doing the right thing in teaching her daughter to take responsibility for her actions.

I think the car cleaning is a good idea. And I would ask her to apologize too.
Because that's how the world works.
And our job as parents is to teach kids how to navigate the world.

seeker · 09/03/2011 13:56

That is such a silly comparison, condensedmilkaddict - it doesn't make any sense at all!

Condensedmilkaddict · 09/03/2011 14:03

Really? I think it is quite apt.

Taking responsibility for your actions starts as a child.

Davsmum · 09/03/2011 14:16

Of course it does - but you don't take a sledgehammer to crack a nut.
How is reversing into someone's car an accident anyway ? At the least you must have been negligent - unless the other car shot out of nowhere - and then it would hardly be you having to pay for it.

Condensedmilkaddict · 09/03/2011 14:23

A sledgehammer?

I hardly think you could call the ops approach a sledgehammer for crying out loud.

"How is reversing into someone else's car an accident?"
Seriously?

Davsmum · 09/03/2011 14:32

Looking for a 'punishment' for something that only requires education is OTT,... YES.

Yes, seriously - You are supposed to be in control of your vehicle therefore if you reverse into somebody - its not really an accident - It may not be deliberate - but you are certainly at fault for not controlling your vehicle.
Its a shame that people try to excuse themselves by claiming the old 'accident' excuse.

Condensedmilkaddict · 09/03/2011 14:34

ChippingInMistressSteamMop · 09/03/2011 14:43

Annie - if you are still lurking??

I totally see where you are coming from. It is really annoying when they hit that age where you feel they 'should know better' than to do something so bloody stupid!

However, it does seem like she wouldn't have known the damage she would do but that you need to balance that with having been told 100 times to doodle on paper not 'other stuff' and again with 'doodling on the window' is OK... etc etc

I would get her out there with a a bucket of soapy water to try to remove it then explain to her how much it's going to cost to get it fixed and that you are very cross with her for not thinking about what she was doing. Then if she ever does it again come down on her like a ton of bricks because she will have known the damage it would cause.

I wouldn't let her use anything other than soapy water on the car because they are harsh chemicals & also if she accidentally does something later god alone knows what she will try to use on the car to 'fix it'!!

Sods law it's your nice new car huh!! Will you be able to repair it or is it a respray job?

Speedbump · 09/03/2011 15:01

When I was 6 I took a sweet out of my mum's pocket. She decided that I needed a big punishment that I would never forget to remind me that stealing is wrong.

I was banned from eating all sweets and chocolate until Christmas which was 2 months away. Because the punishment was linked to the crime, I have never forgotten it. Also as a child having something big marking the end of the punishment is really helpful.

Maybe you could get her to try and polish out the scratches and then help you or daddy to clean the car once a week until the school holidays.

I certainly learnt my lesson and the length of time that the punishment lasted certainly did nothing but good. If it had only been a week, I wouldn't have remembered it and I wouldn't have seen it as a big deal.

I hope this has helped even though I have gone against the majority.

seeker · 09/03/2011 23:07

People used to be transported to Australia for stealing loaves of bread. I bet that made them not do it again.....

thisisyesterday · 09/03/2011 23:19

condensedmilk i presume you have mirrors on your car?

when reversing it makes sense to look behind you.

that is why it isn't an accident.
you are also an adult and aware of the possible consequences of your actions

stupid analogy.

kitbit · 09/03/2011 23:26

Why on earth was a 5 year old left outside in the frost long enough to do damage to a car that serious?
And you're thinking of witholding bedtime cuddles as a punishment?

No, sorry, I think some of the responsibility is yours here, although I agree that helping to clean and look after the car with you might help her to understand how to value it, but sanctions and punishments...no not appropriate imo

colditz · 09/03/2011 23:36

She wasn't left outside. Her mother was outside with her, on the other side of the car.

messybessie · 09/03/2011 23:40

Haven't read all suggestions but when DS drew on the Walls we took some money out of his money box to pay for the redecoration.

Only £1 but he was duly chastised.

boxingHelena · 10/03/2011 00:25

I was going to suggest what MessyBessie said
I would have said what you did caused damage and to be fixed costs money. As a consequence Mummy will not have money this week for buying xyz

Condensedmilkaddict · 10/03/2011 09:23

thisisyesterday thank you so much!

Gosh, all this time I just thought those mirrors were for doing my lipstick.

It all makes sense now.

kitbit · 10/03/2011 21:21

I didn't mean alone I meant unwatched, badly worded sorry

Dancergirl · 10/03/2011 21:34

Agree with Davsmum. You are over-reacting OP. It happens. She didn't do it with malice, she just wasn't thinking. Some children get absorbed in what they're doing and don't think about the consequences. She's 5, still quite a young child.

I wouldn't give her a punishment as such. I assume you have already told her off and talked to her about it....? If so she will LEARN which you have said is your aim.

And yes, withdrawing bedtime cuddles is extremely cruel, HOWEVER naughty she's been. Children should always go to bed feeling loved and secure.

pallymama · 11/03/2011 08:06

I have to ask, how many of you have read the all the thread? Because a lot of people are still saying that no bedtime cuddles is too harsh a punishment. That's already been decided, and reiterated, and agreed on. The OP said, right from the start, that she didn't want to be cruel, that she hadn't come up with anything else, and was asking for ideas. Some of these posts are a long way from helpful.

FWIW Condensedmilkaddict, I liked your analogy. :)

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