Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Parenting

For free parenting resources please check out the Early Years Alliance's Family Corner.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5

Original poster

Help me think of a suitable punishment please

108 replies

AnnieLobeseder · 07/03/2011 22:35

DD1 is 5. She like to draw and doodle. Today she was doodling in the frost. Except that the frost she was doodling in was on my car. And she was doodling with a 2p piece. My brand new shiny car is all scratched to shit. I have a love heart carved into the door.

It wasn't malicious damage, it was just damn thoughtless. My parents would have spanked me, no doubt.

Obviously that's out.

I want her to think long and hard about what she did. I want her to stop mindless doodling, and to think about what she doodles on in future. I want her to remember what she did, and the punishment she received, but I don't want to be cruel. How do I make sure she learns a lesson from this but without being awful to her?

So far all I've come up with is sending her straight to bed after her bath without stories for a week. Story and cuddle time is very special to us all - her sister can have this time in our room instead while DD1 goes to bed.

Any other ideas?

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

savoycabbage · 08/03/2011 06:59

I see what you are trying to achieve Annie, you want her to think before she draws on something that is not paper or similar. You want something to be gained out of this experience.

She didn't do it deliberately, she didn't know it was going to scratch your car or that it would not come of or that it would be expensive to fix.

If it was me I would tell her to wash it off and when it became apparent that it wasn't going to happen I would talk to her about it and tell her that there is a reason that you don't want her drawing on things willy-nilly, and that this is the reason. That things might get spoiled.

It's ridiculous to suggest that a child of five shouldn't be alone long enough to draw a picture.

Overcooked · 08/03/2011 07:20

Seriously, are people really suggesting now that asking the child to clean the car to 'show' the damage that has been done is too much. I can't see that 'punishment' this is in any way cruel and I also think it will really show the child the reason why doodling should only be done on paper.

And as for suggesting that the op is at fault for not supervising - she was scraping the frost from the other side of the car, it took her a few minutes, have you never not looked at your child for a few minutes. If the child had drawn on the wall in the house would you be saying she had not been supervising correctly?

colditz · 08/03/2011 07:51

She's five, not two, and it is NOT too much to expect that she doesn't draw on things that are not paper after repeatedly being told not to draw on things that are not paper.

Do reception teachers say "oh, i should have been watching her on a one to one basis, 1 to 15 is clearly not enough!" if a kid draws on the classroom wall? No. because, as a rule they don't, and if they do they get told off.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Families General parenting

Buda · 08/03/2011 08:09

Um - she did this while YOU were scraping ice of the other side of the car? She is FIVE! She is not old enough to realise the difference between you scraping the ice off the windows on one side and her scraping the ice off the door on the other side.

Yes - very annoying. But not her fault really. Certainly not enough to warrant your initial punishment.

I would get her to help you try and get rid of the scratches as that will maybe help her remember to only doodle on paper but I wouldn't punish further.

Magicjamas · 08/03/2011 08:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

exoticfruits · 08/03/2011 08:17

I don't think that she had the least idea that it would scratch the car, so I think that you just need to explain and also explain that she really needs to think about things first.

colditz · 08/03/2011 08:19

My four year old boy knows the difference between scratching love hearts into cars with penniesand drawing pictures on paper, he knows he's allowed to do the latter and not the former.

Don't try to blame the OP. The child has sdone something silly and destructive at an age where silly and pointlessly destructive things should be behind her. She was supervised adequately for her age, and it's not the OP's fault that the child chose to do something naughty. She's not a toddler.

exoticfruits · 08/03/2011 08:23

She was drawing on the frost-not the car-it was silly but I really don't think she realised.

pallymama · 08/03/2011 08:24

If the car just needs a T-cut, get her to help with it and make sure she understands why. If it will have to go in anywhere, take her with you to "help". I don't think a punishment is what's needed here, I think she just needs to learn the extent of her actions. When I was little, I broke a plastic chair, completely by accident, but it was careless of me. I wasn't punished for it, but I had to go with my Dad to replace it. That memory has stayed with me since, and I'm now very careful with other peoples things, so it was very effective! :)

Buda · 08/03/2011 08:26

I think she probably had no clue that scratching the ice would mean scratching the paint underneath.

We had a maid in Bangkok years ago who cleaned our car with a Brillo pad as she also did not understand that it would scratch the metal! And she was a lot older than 5!

juuule · 08/03/2011 09:41

Have you ever explained that drawing in frost (or dust or anything else that covers a surface) could go through to the layer underneath(in this case the paint on your car). Are you certain that she understood this would happen? I've scratched patterns in frost on the windows without damaging the glass. If this was the first time that this had happened then I think that all that is needed is an explanation of why not to do that. Helping to remedy the scratch would help to reinforce why scratching paint on a car is a problem. Aside from the initial outrage, which she has already taken on board I presume, I can't see any need for 'punishment'.

Is it possible that you are feeling more of a need to vent your anger at your car being scratched and directing that to the cause (your child) rather than a need to correct your child.

You have already said "It wasn't malicious damage, it was just damn thoughtless." Maybe it wasn't even thoughtlessness, just lack of understanding. Either way your reaction, an explanation and helping put it right should get the message across.

Original poster

AnnieLobeseder · 08/03/2011 09:43

Glad to see some more sensible folk on here this morning!

I have admitted that my initial idea was too extreme, and as some folk have decuced, it's not about wanting her to be 'punished' so much as learning a lesson - she needs to think before she acts. Not out of the range of capabilities of a 5yo, I think. We have a communal car park - what if it had been the neighbour's car? She needs to learn that some things are not to be touched. I don't want her to suffer, I want her to learn.

She will be helping me to T-Cut the car.

BTW, those of you who said she'd forget what she'd done if the punishement wasn't immediate - first thing she asked this morning was if I remembered what she'd done yesterday! So at least my first aim has been achieved - the incident has stuck in her mind.

OhWhatNoooow - gam sheli

OP posts:

lilsmate · 08/03/2011 09:56

I've had similar happen with DS. He of course had no idea what he was doing caused any harm so we did something similar to what has been suggested earlier.....except we took him with us to the garage when we had the car panel resprayed and made sure he saw the money being handed over to pay for it. Then it was no treats for a few days as we had no money left !

Abip · 08/03/2011 10:13

Hi Anni. Totally agree with the rag and polish. This is what I do when mine have done something.

Recently ds who is 6 trod on my partners car upholstery and I GAVE HIM A RAG AND TOLD HIM TO GO AND CLEAN IT. 15MINS LATER HE HAD ACTUALLY GOT THE MUD OFF AND NEVER DID IT AGAIN.

I have taken away telly time and book time when he has demolished his room. And again it has worked. Three days of no telly at bed time and how amazing, room is spotless.

They have to learn and your right you would be doing a poor job if you let her think its acceptable. I would clean my ds's room for hours and moan and complain at him and it had NO effect, his room still got into a mess. But now when he knows he has to do it and properly he keeps it tidy.

You cannot give the excuse ah bless she is only five. She obviously did not do it intentionally but must learn what she has done is wrong.

If you dont teach them right from wrong you end up with a child, say like my dss, who is 19 and has no respect for anything or anyones feelings.

Good luck

Original poster

AnnieLobeseder · 08/03/2011 10:22

Thanks Abip, it's good to know there are people who understand where I'm coming from. Children do need to learn about actions and consequences, no matter what the intentions behind their actions.

OP posts:

FunnysInTheGarden · 08/03/2011 10:37

It's not about learning that there are consequences though. I think we would all agree that children need to learn that. It's about dealing with an incident there and then and not carrying over the punishment for a week or so, just because you were pissed off and wanted to blame someone.

Abip · 08/03/2011 10:40

Fantastic helping advice for someone who needed help in a fitting situation.

Annie take the sound advice you have been given and if it were me, ignore this 'wrap my child up in cotton wool' advice I keep seeing as it's not going to help.

Original poster

AnnieLobeseder · 08/03/2011 11:19

Um, funny, thread has moved on sweetie.

Abip, don't worry, I've been here long enough to be able pick the good advice and let the guff roll off my back without another thought.

OP posts:

FunnysInTheGarden · 08/03/2011 13:29

Thanks for patronising me Annie

My last comment was in direct reply to yours immediately above, so it hadn't moved on very far.

I do see though that because most of the replies thought you were wrong, you got very chippy. So I suppose your last response is only to be expected........

Original poster

AnnieLobeseder · 08/03/2011 13:33

The thread has moved on though, funny. I agreed ages ago that punishement for a week was probably not ideal. And I've made it plain that I'm not trying to place any blame here, but to teach DD not to damage property. So I don't think my comment was misplaced, sorry.

OP posts:

Spandangle · 08/03/2011 15:04

i could never be described by anyone who knows me as having a softly sofly approach to parenting and you cant (obviously you CAN but you shouldnt) punish her-she hasn't done anything naughty. she made a mistake. she didnt know it would damage the car, she was doodling in the frost. an expanation and helping you t-cut car is all that is needed. if she was to do it again, now she knows, thats the time for punishment.

skybluepearl · 08/03/2011 23:02

i think she should help you clean the car inside and out-then mend the scratch together.

skybluepearl · 08/03/2011 23:03

continue to read to her though.

can you talk toher calmly about how you feel.

Simic · 09/03/2011 10:48

Annie, I can see that you've made it plain to those on this thread that you're not trying to place any blame, but to teach dd not to damage property. Juast make sure your child is also clear on that. I know from looking back on my own childhood that what the parent intended was often completely different from what the child understood.
As a child, the punishment often distracted me from what I was supposed to learn. I felt sorry for myself because my parent overreacted and I felt wronged.
I think often that parents (definitely me!) think that they are teaching the child a lesson when they don't realise that a lot of it is just letting off their own anger. But that often backfires as the child just feels like a victim and forgets that it actually did something which did damage.
I don't know if this is the case with you here. Probably not.
But, I think it is always a good rule to be very clear to yourself on this (what am I trying to achieve) - and try to put yourself in the child's shoes and see what you would learn if you were on the receiving end.
But, I think you've been doing this during this thread.

bullet234 · 09/03/2011 10:57

A week is rather too long I think, but I can understand that you want your dd to understand the consequences of what she did. You had already told her lots of times only to draw on paper. Saying that, I can see in her 5 year old logic she would not have associated crayons and paper with cars and frost and would not have realised that the scratches would go deeper than the frost.
I like the idea of getting her to help remove the scratches as it's directly associated with what she did.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5